*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by Kristen Maglonzo featuring music by Sara Bareilles, Ellie Goulding, and Avril Lavigne.

Alex

I can't eat.

I know that I should, that I could just pick up the piece of pizza in front of me and stuff it in my mouth like the thought of swallowing it doesn't make me sick, but I just--

"You okay, Alex?"

--can't.

Kai reaches across our tiny candle-lit table and laces his fingers between mine. I take in his warmth, his gentleness, and his always consistent comfort, but it doesn't settle me.

It can't.

He can't.

Not tonight.

But I bury that truth somewhere Kai won't find it and smile back at him 'til the worry in his eyes flickers out.

It only ever takes a couple seconds--

--to hide.

To put on a mask I've spent a year perfecting.

My parents think I'm happy, that I've bounced back after a "rough end to a summer fling" like the unbreakable girl they think I am.

But I'm not, I just know how to hide the cracks. I paint over them with progress--perfect grades, perfect attendance, and a perfect ending to my senior year.

Full-ride to college, boyfriend to boot.

Perfectly superficial perfection.

And nobody worries.

Nobody thinks anything's wrong.

Nobody asks questions.

Not even the people who love me, or wish they knew how.

All my pretty lies keep the world turning, and everyone ends up happy. Everyone except me. But there's nothing wrong with lying if the lies you live out are less dangerous than dealing with the truth.

"Yeah, I just--"

Saw a ghost.

"--think the jet lag's catching up with me. Sorry, babe, I know you wanted tonight to be special."

Kai's been raving about taking me to the infamous "Enzo's" ever since I confessed my Ninja-turtle like love for New York Pizza over Skype a couple months ago. He's got this list of hole-in-the-wall restaurants in the area he wants us to try together--and Enzo's is first.

I should be head over heels for this moment. I should be sharing a pizza with a boy who's sweet enough to take me out to a place he knew I'd fall in love with.

But I'm out of it.

My head's somewhere else. Stuck suffocating in the hallway of Quad 3 along with my appetite.

"It's alright, Alex. I probably shouldn't have opted for greasy food on your first day back. Can I interest you in a gourmet can of Chicken Noodle soup instead? My treat?"

I nod and try my hardest to mirror his megawatt smile across the table, but I can't. My lips suddenly feel unnatural, too rehearsed, too posed.

He notices.

His eyes wash over my face like he's looking to find a way in, a way to cross lines I don't want him to.

So I redirect his attention away from my white lies by doing the one thing I know I shouldn't. The one thing the old Alex wouldn't. But who I used to be and who I am now are two completely different people, and the girl sitting across from Kai tonight, will do just about anything not to be seen.

I stand up out of my chair, flutter over to Kai, and sit on his lap. He eyes me a little too cautiously at first but then relaxes into our closeness when I lean my head against his shoulder.

"Kai Reynolds, I would be honored to share a can of Chicken Noodle soup with you--"I tilt my head towards him and kiss the corners of his cheeks.

"--thanks for taking me here regardless. I promise I'll make it up to you later, okay?"

His eyes soften in the low light.

"You don't have to make up for anything, Alex. I'm just glad you're here."

"Me too."

A slow smile spreads across his lips as silence settles in between the two of us. Kai's different from most guys in the way he responds to me, more patient, slower to burn. Touching him has never been enough to fully get his attention, but he responds to my words, my sincerity. Maybe I'm doing a better job of pretending tonight than I thought.

"Careful, Alex, or I might skip out on our soup date all together and spend the rest of the night kissing you."

"Not if I beat you to it."

I reach for his hand under the table and place it on the outside of my lower thigh. Heat spills out from his fingertips and half fills all the places I feel empty. But it's not enough. I want his hands everywhere, like they were the first time we were together.

It happened on an ordinary night like this. I snuck out of my parents' house a week before Christmas when he came to visit. It was our little secret. I told my Dad I was staying at a friend's, pasted on a good girl smile, and he didn't ask questions.

No one did.

And those five days full of secrets saved me.

Kai and I spent most of our time in his tiny hotel room decorating a make shift Christmas tree and talking until we got lost in each other.

And that's why I need this.

That's why I need him.

Because if I didn't have somebody, I'd go back to thinking about the nobody I'm trying to forget.

I lean in and kiss him like it's more than just a gesture, like it's enough to erase my shadows, but it doesn't. He takes me in a moment at a time, slowly, expertly, pacing himself to the point where I 

become impatient. He's all warmth and gentleness. 

Security and sincerity. He kisses me like he wants to build a connection, but I sever it and retake control. I lower my lips to his neck and trail lingering kisses across his skin. He sucks in a soft breath and tenses underneath me.

"Alex--"

He lifts his finger and tilts my chin towards him until we're face to face. His cheeks are flushed cherry red. The color betrays even his best intentions.

"--we shouldn't."

I inch closer until my body is flush against his.

"Why?" I say.

My voice hardly sounds like my own.

"People are watching."

His heart's running wild underneath the thin fabric of his charcoal Henley.

"Then let's head back to your place. I don't really wanna to stay at mine tonight--"

Or ever.

"--Indigo will be fine on her own."

He reaches up, tucks a runaway strand of hair behind my ear, and slips into an uneasy smile.

"Let's get the bill first, and then we'll talk about it outside, okay?"

I nod, but something about the way his face changes unnerves me. He's distant, detached, like he's analyzing my impulses when I thought he'd give into them.

But maybe that's where we're different.

Maybe I'm the girl who gives in, and he's the boy who babysits my bad decisions.

I get up off his lap, straighten out the kinks in my summer dress, and escape back to my chair.

I sink against the hardwood, suddenly feeling all too aware of myself in a room full of unapologetic people shooting unapologetic stares at me. A group of frat boys two tables over whistle and wink in my direction, and my whole mouth goes sour.

I'm not the kind of girl they think I am.

I'm not someone who makes out with her boyfriend in the middle of an over-packed restaurant on a regular basis.

I'm not someone who kisses one boy to forget another.

I'm better than that.

I'm stronger than that.

Or maybe I just wish I could be.

Kai waves over a passing server, whips out his wallet, and pays for a dinner I'm silently starting to regret.

Our curly-haired waitress smiles at him politely, before turning her attention to me.

"Looks like someone's more hungry for her boyfriend than her pizza, huh?" She says as she clears away my plate.

It takes thirty seconds for the sting behind her comment to settle in. It takes ten for my fingers to curl around the crust of my lukewarm pizza slice. I takes five for me to shove it right into the center of her shirt.

"Who's hungry now?!"

"Alex!"

Kai steps in between me and Pizza Girl before either of us can take things any further. He lifts his hands, lightly places them on either side of my face, and opens his mouth to speak, but his words get lost in the noise.

My heart's beating so hard I can barely hear anything. I shut my eyes, concentrate on calming myself down, and focus on the low hum of Kai's voice until it cuts through everything.

"What in the world are you doing?!" He asks.

His eyes are darker now, wavering between worry and understandable anger, but I don't want him to be angry, I just need him to understand.

"Didn't you hear what she said?! She basically called me a whore in front of the whole restaurant!"

Welcome back, Alexandra "Slutty" Summers. The whole world knew you'd have to come out of hiding sometime.

"It doesn't matter what she said to you, you can't just lash out at people like that!"

He's right. I shouldn't, but I did it anyway. I did it because some part of me wants to shove a pizza slice in the face of every single person who's ever stared at me, judged me, and chipped away at the illusion of the person I'm pretending to be.

Nobody needs to see the me underneath all the lies. The girl who's broken, guilty, and full of secrets.

"Can we just go? I'm sorry, I just really need to get out of here."

And just like that, all my perfectly superficial perfection shatters. Tears burn in the corners of my eyes and leave mascara stains down the sides of my cheeks. Everyone's watching. The whole restaurant's quiet aside from the sound of my broken breathing.

I don't wanna be here anymore. I don't wanna be me anymore.

"We should apologize to the waitress first," Kai says.

He wipes the tears away from my eyes and lets his hand linger along the side of my face for a few seconds.

I swallow the slow burn building in my throat and force out the three words he wants me to say. Pizza girl eyes me like I'm some kind of crazy person and flips me off before disappearing into the back to change her clothes.

Kai shelters me in his arms as we leave, blocking out the million pairs of eyes following the both of us. He stumbles over a handful of genuine apologies to the restaurant manager before we step outside into the cool night air.

Westwood's teeming with people. Groups of LA girls walk arm and arm with their boyfriends, laughing like they don't have secrets swimming underneath the surface of their relationships. The neon glow of the Fox and Mann Bruin theaters highlights their genuine smiles, their carefree airs, and their perfectly believable perfection.

But I feel exposed. Ugly. The Hollywood light reaches out and touches everything except me. Even Kai's washed in warm yellows and blues, but his eyes are cold, concerned, and clouded by my mistakes.

"Kai, I'm--"

"What happened back there, Alex?"

He shoves his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans and stares at me.

"I don't know. Look, I said I was sorry so can we please just forget about this and go home?"

His eyes narrow. Not good.

"UCLA's your home now, Alex. Moving across the country's a lot to deal with, much less moving in with someone else. You and I can start that process once we're ready, but right now--"

"You don't want to live together, do you?"

He plants his hands on my shoulders and looks me dead in the eye.

"That's not what I'm saying at all. I just think you need a little time to adjust to being here. You haven't even been on campus for more than a few hours, and you already want to leave. Aren't you happy here?"

I was until my past moved in across the hallway.

"Yeah, I just-- I don't really wanna be alone tonight. Everything about this place is unfamiliar but you."

Kai pulls me against his chest and kisses the top of my head so softly it stings.

"Fine, you win. Let's go get that soup we talked about, yeah? I'll stay with you until we both finish a family-sized can, deal?"

"Deal, but only if we can go for a make-up dinner date tomorrow after class."

"As long as you're hungry, I'll take you anywhere you want. Just promise you won't throw pizzas at anyone else?"

My face turns cherry tomato red.

"Can we pretend that never happened?" I ask.

"Can we pretend what never happened?"

I laugh into the warmth of his t-shirt and for a split second I forget about everything.

My shadows.

My sadness.

My past.

I let go.

I exist in the moment.

And for that painfully beautiful piece of time, I'm nobody else's but his.

(Part Two to be posted on June 4th!)