(CALL TO ALL READERS: If you're a long time listener and/or haven't had a chance go listen to the audiobook yet, this is ABSOLUTELY the time to give it a chance! kaelking12 puts in an incredible amount of work recording these characters for you guys in addition to co-writing the book. This chapter is particularly heartbreaking so we hope you guys listen along! We know that reading chapters like these tend to fly by so if you'd like the full experience + music we've selected, please give it a listen and let us know what you think!)

https://youtu.be/al2PHWIt0y0

*TRIGGER WARNING*:

Hey guys! Just an important heads up before you begin. Kristen and I wanted to thank those of you who were honest and open enough in the last chapter to feel comfortable sharing their personal stories with us about their experiences in losing a child. As we said before this is also a topic that hits really close to home for us as well. This chapter was the most difficult to write and record in the entire CFTM series.

Kristen gives an incredibly moving and honestly heartbreaking performance in the audio (click to listen above), so I recommend that EVERYONE who has time please listen if you'd like to experience this chapter in a way that will make it so much more real. We realize that for those of you who have been through this situation, this chapter might be very emotionally jarring and difficult to read.

We did our best to approach this with as much empathy and understanding as possible. Please know that all of you who have personally dealt with this situation are in our thoughts and prayers as are memories of those you've lost. We love you guys and pray for nothing but continued strength and healing even in the face of something this devastating.

We hope that everyone reading can truly feel for both Alex and Elias and keep in mind that this scenario is/has been real for some of your fellow readers. Thank you guys for understanding & we hope this chapter leaves you feeling for people who have lived through what Elias and Jersey are fictionally living through now.

-Jenny & Kristen

Elias

"How did you--how did you know--?"

Jersey says it so quiet. And soft. Like she's hoping saying it like that would let the truth stay hidden long enough to not break the both of us.

Instead, it sucks all the air out of the room leaving us more exposed in our secrets then we've ever been.

Forcing us to face our lies.

Forcing us to finally be honest.

"Kai. I ran into him when I was running after you. And, there I was thinking that he was the last person I wanted see, until he opens his mouth and tells me everything I should've heard from you."

Jersey cups her hand over her mouth and sinks down onto the bed. Her eyes are racing. Scrambling like I'm scrambling to find the words to talk about this. But we have to talk about this.

We have to talk about him.

About our son.

Because if we don't, he'll be even less of a memory than he is now. We'll avoid our way into forgetting he existed all together and I can't do that.

"Elias, I didn't--"

She pauses.

Shallow breath in. Shallow breath out.

"'--I didn't know what to do. I didn't mean for it to happen, I didn't mean for him to happen, but he did. All of a sudden he was there, and alive, and beautiful and I didn't know what to do. You were nowhere and I was alone, and I didn't--I--"

Her voice slips away. Her silence stealing the air out of her lungs and something new seeps in to take its place.

Something that takes a hold of both of us.

Sorrow.

A type of sorrow I don't understand. I've never known this. This kind of loss. I've lost things and people, but everything Jersey is feeling right now is finding its way into me.

All of her hurts, her pain, and her holes are now mine.

Thirty seconds ago, I thought I could do this. I thought that maybe if I held on to how angry I was at her for hiding this from me that I could make it through this conversation. But I was wrong. Jersey's beside herself.

Face buried in her hands, sorrow rippling through her body, spirit completely broken. And for the first time I realize that this is something I can't fix.

Nothing I do or say can fix the hole that's eating its way through the two of us, because the boy who made it--is gone.

I kneel down in front of her and place my shaking hands over hers as lightly as I can. I wait for her to fight me or push me away like she did before, but she doesn't move. Neither of us do.

We sit there on the edge of our sadness waiting for the reality of what we've lost to come crashing in.

"Why didn't you say anything, Jersey? Why didn't you tell me? 'Cause if I'd known that you were--"

I can't say it.

"--if I'd known, I would've been there--I would've dropped everything for the both of you and spent every single day-being the father I wanted to be. The man you needed me to be, but now I can't---I can't do anything. Not for him and not for you because-"

My voice breaks.

"-because I didn't know we had a son-and I didn't even hear about it from you."

Jersey stares down at me and her sobbing stops. Like all the sound inside of her suddenly decided to disappear to make room for the worst kind of silence. The kind that makes a person's suffering even louder by muting everything else.

She's crying the way most people scream, but I can't hear it. I can't hear anything except the hollow rush of her breath as it slips out of her lips and into the air.

I've lost enough to know that I've never wanted to see her mourning anything or anyone. But right now she's mourning him.

All over again.

And I'm mourning him for the first time.

She grabs at her chest and holds her hands over her heart like her trembling fingers are the only thing keeping her together.

"I tried, Elias. God, you don't know how hard I tried. All I did for over a month and a half when I found out was try to get to you-through calls, texts, Tanner, Caleigh, but you weren't anywhere. I couldn't reach you and I needed you. I needed you because-"

I take her by the hands and ease her down on the floor next to me. She collapses against my chest and I hold onto her to keep her from falling apart.

"-because he was growing so fast. Every day he was becoming a part of me that I couldn't keep pretending wasn't there. And I felt him. I felt him with me the way I feel you right now and I let him go. I did the worst thing I could do thinking it was the only thing to do. Thinking it was something I could get past. Thinking you were just gone and never coming back. Then you somehow show up again. And, I didn't know how to tell you. How was I supposed to tell you what I did to our-son? "

And just like that, whatever walls I built up to keep myself together cave in. The room starts spinning, I shut my eyes, and a thousand imaginary pictures of what our son's life would've looked like flood into my mind.

I think about what it would've been like to hold him, to see him, to watch him grow.

To help him navigate his way through the world.

To watch him love and be loved.

But then all of it disappears into blackness.

I breathe in but every breath hurts.

Everything hurts. All of this. All of her honesty, all of her truth, and I'm cracking under the weight of it.

I open my mouth to say something to her but the words get jammed in my throat. I look away from Jersey 'cause I don't want her to see that I'm losing it. I don't want her to know that all of her hurt is crushing me, but I don't have anyway to hide it anymore. I dissolve into the kind of sadness that I've never shown anyone.

Not my mom, not Tanner, not Dan.

Even when I found out Lacey was gone and that Mindy's daughter wasn't mine. But then again, I've never hit a low like this. I didn't know I could.

Until now.

Now I'm here tangled up in Jersey, sitting on her dorm room floor, while the two of us try to understand a loss that can't be understood.

I break down and start crying like a child, hating myself for acting like a child--

--and for losing one.

For not growing up fast enough to realize that a single careless night in Jersey's room could lead to this.

I wanna tap out.

Out of this sorrow. Out of this situation.

Out of everything.

But right when I'm ready to quit, she catches me.

She takes my face in her hands, looks me right in the eye, and in that moment we finally connect. We connect to each other through his absence, and it's beautiful and terrible all at once.

"You don't have to forgive me, Elias--"

"Jersey, stop--"

"No, I need you to listen to me---"

She presses her forehead against mine and leans in until I can't tell the difference between my broken breaths and hers.

"---I made a decision. And you have every right to hate me for making it. I hate myself for making it, because I made it without you. I took any choice you might have had and any chance he might have had, and threw it away in a doctor's office because I was scared and alone."

Because of me. Because of Belmar.

"That's not your fault, Jersey. I left."

"It is. Even if I didn't have you, I could've talked to someone. But I didn't. I walked around pretending I had time and that the situation would just go away when I should've said something. But he just kept growing. I let it get to the point where I knew he was a he. And, my parents, Elias. They didn't even know. They still don't--"

My mind flickers back to that sunny afternoon I spent with Richard, Evie, and Jersey at Belmar. In my memories of them, they're always smiling. I can't imagine them any other way.

I don't want to.

But Jersey has.

She's been playing out their reaction to this news over and over again--and if it's eating away at me, it's taking the life out of her.

"The only reason I didn't tell you is because--"

A handful of tears roll off her cheeks and disappear somewhere in her t-shirt.

"--because I didn't want you to have to live through what I live through everyday. I never wanted that for you. All of this. This feeling. This pain. Carrying the burden of everything I chose. Pretending you're okay and hoping that one day that it will be. Or it could be. But I'm not okay. I can't be. I haven't been and I've tried to be but something in me just feels empty and I can't fill it. Nothing can. It was so hard, Elias. In that room. Being alone. Feeling him. Knowing he was there. Alive. Living. And then he wasn't. He was just gone. And I couldn't take it back. So much of me is filled with this regret. For him. Every time I see your face, I see him. And every time I think of him, I see you. And I didn't want you to walk around with his ghost like--I did. Like I still do. I didn't want that for you. And I'm so sorry, Elias. I'm so sorry."

I cradle her in my arms and something about the way she suddenly surrenders throws me completely. In all the time that I've known her, she's never let her guard down like this.

There was always a line, a boundary, a brick wall. Something to keep me at a distance. But here she is now, laying her whole life and all of her secrets out on the table, just for me.

And a part of that feels like finally coming home.

But another part of that makes me feel like an intruder.

'Cause if she'd never met me--

--if she'd never let me in,

None of this would've happened at all.

I reach down and wipe the tears away from her eyes before tilting her head up so we can connect again.

I don't know who moves in first, or what drives us to it, but suddenly I'm kissing her.

And she's kissing me and everything and nothing makes sense.

She tastes like sorrow and strength, hollowness and hope, and all the grey spaces in between.

This is who we are now.

Maybe this is who we've always been.

A broken boy and a beautiful girl, just lost in the grey.

Hanging in the balance.

Stuck somewhere between heaven and hell with nothing but hope to hold onto.

I pull away from her and I'm dizzy, and confused, and still so heavy from the weight of everything, but I take it.

I take it because I love her.

I still love her so much.

And I don't know if that makes me selfish, but I can't let that go.

I can't let her go. I never will.

"I need you to promise me something," I say.

Jersey nods like it's the only thing her body has the strength left to do.

"Promise me that we won't forget him. That we won't go back to pretending that he wasn't here because he still is. He's right here--"

I take her hand in mine and place it over the tattoo on my chest. My pulse pounds through both of our fingers one ragged beat after the other.

"--right next to you. And now you don't have to carry him alone anymore."

***

(Thank you guys so much for reading & listening! This was the heaviest chapter of Find Her, Keep Her for Kristen and I to write together and record and we hope we did it justice. Thank you guys so much for bearing with these characters during their darkest moments but we promise that this is as low as it gets :). We can't wait to share the next chapter with you next weekend! Next update should be on SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30th! We will let you know if there are any changes!

PS: Who listened to the audiobook? If so, what part of the recording hit you the hardest/effected you the most?)

***

500 COMMENT CHALLENGE WINNERS & ANNOUNCEMENT:

If we break 500 comments again this week, I will promote another 5 peoples' stories on my profile! Let's see if you guys can do it!

Anyway...on to last week's winners!

The winners of the story promotion from last weeks 500 comment challenge are:

shippingJASPAR4life

Perfectlyflawed304

WarnersKing

RonnieWeasly

RifaAnikah

Congratulations guys! Please PM me with the story you'd like me to promote this week!

***

#REALTALK QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

1. Would you have made the same choice that Jersey did if you were in her situation? If so, why? If not, why not?

NOTE: (If you decide to answer this, this is totally a safe space to do that where everyone's opinions will be respected. Please be kind to everyone regardless of what position you stand in. It's a sensitive situation for everyone and there are people who have been through it personally so please keep that in mind when you respond :).

2. Do you think it would've been harder for Elias and Jersey to go through Jersey losing the child vs. making the decision she did to have an abortion?