https://youtu.be/9UrS8OIv-1M

Alex

Northern Lights Cafe is packed, and when I say packed I mean wall-to-wall, lines-out-the-door, no-chair-free level packed.

Normally, this wouldn't bother me. This little slice of heaven is my everyday goto for all of my caffeine-related needs and as long as the wait doesn't make me late for class, I don't mind the bustle. But tonight, everyone and their grandmother is here getting their study on for midterms (unlike a certain boy I know).

I scan the seating area, trying to find the life-changing truth that Indigo said would be here, but I just see--people. The room is filled with tables and tables of strangers buried in their books, zoning out in front of their computers, and scrolling through their phones.

Nothing's out of the ordinary--at all. So I scramble over to the display of Daily Bruin newspapers to dig for a piece of evidence she might've been talking about. I crack open the latest issue and flip through page after crinkled page until I reach the gossip section.

There's articles about Kim Kardashian's latest Beverly Hills appearance, the upcoming movie premieres in Westwood, and a surprisingly snore-inducing series of stories in the gossip column--but no mention of Elias. I turn to the back and expect to see a giant blown up picture of Elias making out with some Hollywood actress or pop star I don't know about, but there's nothing but classifieds. Just lost dogs, adoptable cats, and new apartments.

No secrets.

No reason to worry at all.

I finally breathe. I breathe for the first time since I left my dorm in a panic and make a mental note to rant at Indigo for making me freak out in the first place.

What was she even talking about?

"It'll end things or mend things" or whatever. There's no end or mend-worthy news anywhere to be found in the paper, so I neatly place it back on the shelf and waltz over to the order counter to treat myself to a late-night latte. The line's dwindled down to a paltry handful of dismal looking students.

I scuttle my way to the back smiling at myself like a loon over my newfound anxiety-free status. I almost feel guilty about being so cheerful when everyone else around me looks like they've been handed a death sentence, but I've forgotten what it feels like to not be nervous for once, and when I say nervous, I mean nervous about Elias specifically.

Things are actually, okay.

He's okay.

We're okay.

Maybe it's a sign of the apocalypse. Maybe this is one of those scenes in the movies where the stars align seconds before some giant cataclysmic impending disaster. For all I know, a ginormous asteroid could be hurdling towards UCLA with the sole purpose of obliterating my temporary happiness.

And does that sound crazy?

Absolutely. But it's justified craziness because Elias and I haven't been okay before. Like ever. We've had okay moments where things seemed good, but extended "okay-ness" is a completely new concept.

At the start of the school year I was pretty convinced that I hated him, didn't trust him, and didn't trust myself. All healthy choices, I know. But now, even though I still have my moments, it's getting easier, to be around him, to believe in him, and to let myself go.

I'm slowly learning how to go with the "cosmic flow", as Indigo would say.

Maybe this is why she sent me here. For Pete's sake, the girl knows more about my Elias-related woes than anybody else, and she's helped me through every step of my three-week mental breakdown. She'd stay up with me all night while I analyzed and over-analyzed different chapters of Letters to Jersey. She suffered through at least sixty recaps of what happened between me and Elias in San Diego, and she never got annoyed.

She never judged me for being the unstable person that I am.

She just told me everything was going to be okay.

Maybe that's what she's telling me now.

And I think that maybe, I'm finally starting to believe her.

A sullen, ginger-bearded barista asks me for my order mid-epiphany. I snap back to reality and cheerily request a chamomile tea for Elias and vanilla latte for myself despite the fact that it's almost midnight. Who cares if I'm cracked out on coffee until dawn? I'm in a good mood.

"Anything else?" He asks.

I eye the cookie section and linger on my usual double chocolate chip vice, but decide against it in the name of happiness. Who needs chocolate when you don't have a care in the world?

"That'll be 4.50, ma'am," he says.

I drop a five dollar bill into his palm, tell him to keep the change, and spin around to make my jolly way back to Elias.

But five steps shy of the exit my heart stops.

Everything stops because I see him.

Kai's sitting by the fireplace with a mug of coffee in his hands, eyes bright, wide, and focused on a girl poised across the table from him. He's leaning forward in his seat, laughing and smiling at her in a way that I've never seen before, and suddenly, I realize that he's staring at the reason Indigo sent me here.

The girl opposite him is elegant and graceful in the way she moves and patient in the way she listens. Shiny black waves cascade down her shoulders, just past the center of her back, complimenting her tawny skin. The light from the fireplace catches in her dark brown eyes and warms up the entire room. She's stunning. Unquestionably and effortlessly beautiful.

And everything she does has his complete and undivided attention--without vying for it. Without trying. She smiles and Kai's eyes change. And, that's the thing. It's not a matter of him having eyes for someone the way he did for me. It's worse...because they're different. They soften and shift in a way they never did for me. He's genuinely happy. The darkness he had in his eyes on the morning we ended things is gone along with the scars that come with heartbreak.

He's okay.

More than okay.

He's totally lost in conversation and completely lost in her.

I stand there silently watching him fall for a girl who's giving him everything I couldn't.

Attention. Respect. Honesty.

I don't even have to hear their conversation to know that every word that leaves her lips is true.

Something in my chest tightens and snaps and slowly gives way to an empty feeling I can't place at first.

It's not hurt.

It can't be jealously because this is everything I said I wanted for him. The love he deserves.

But then a new kind of sadness slips into the place where jealousy isn't.

A realization.

I never loved Kai, but I told myself that I did. That I could be. I lied my way into thinking that I needed him. I believed that if I had enough of his time, attention, and understanding that he'd fix me. Maybe he'd undo the things Elias did. Maybe he'd take my mind off the things I've done.

But that's the problem with broken people--we can't hold onto the truth the way whole people can. It slips through our fingers, out of our grasp, and always keeps its distance. Relearning to be honest is a constant game of catch up. But even when I try to fall in step with the truth I'm always behind.

"Alex?"

Someone says my name, but I can't process the sound. I can't process much of anything because my eyes are focused on Kai standing up out of his seat and walking in my direction. I watch his mouth mold to form words and his lips pull into a kind, familiar smile, but the sound of my pulse pounding in my ears drowns out everything.

I was okay staring from a distance, knowing that I could be outside of a moment instead of a part of it. But now I can't escape it, or him. I step backwards before I can will myself to stop and feel the edge of the carpet lift and curl under my feet.

I crash into a girl hurrying down the stairs behind me, and Elias's tea and my latte fly out of their cups and spill all over his shirt. My skin sizzles and steams while the coffee and tea stain the fabric as fast as blush is staining my cheeks.

The whole room's eyes fall on me, and I stop breathing.

All I want is to sink into the floor where no one can see me.

But everyone's watching. And Kai's front row, center.

He's by my side in seconds, scrambling to check in on me the way he always has, but my embarrassment renders me silent. He looks so much better than he did weeks ago, dressed in ripped black jeans, leather brown combat boots, a white t-shirt, and the old bomber jacket he wore when he visited me for Christmas. His hair's styled to the point where it looks intentionally but unintentionally messy. He's still handsome. Still stunning. But still not enough. Maybe he never was.

"Are you alright? That girl should've been more careful."

"I'm fine. Honestly, I'm fine. I was just leaving."

I shake the remaining mixture of coffee and tea off my hands, pick the cups off the ground, and try to continue my way towards the exit without him. Kai places a gentle hand on my shoulder and roots me to the ground.

"Wait, sit down for just a minute and let me get you some napkins first. Your shirt's soaked," he says, eyes wide and wildly animated.

I study the spark behind them, trying to figure out how it ignited again so quickly after everything with us went wrong. But then the beautiful girl appears at his side, and I stop looking for answers to all my questions because I find them in her.

There's so much I see in her that was never there with me. This is the girl who could fill up his heart the way my broken pieces never would.

She hands me a pack of tissues and smiles the kind of smile only perfect people possess. She's even more gorgeous up close, and I'm not the only one who notices.

Kai's attention instantly shifts away from my shirt and zips over to her. His gaze lingers on her full lips for a beat long enough to give his hopes away. His cheeks flush, ever so slightly. This is new. He hasn't kissed her yet, but I see how badly he wants to. Even if he doesn't know it. People always give away their intentions, you just have to know where to look.

"They're out of napkins at the counter, so you can have these. I know Kleenex aren't the best solution, but at least they'll help keep you dry," she says.

Her voice sounds like a rainbow. That doesn't even make sense, but if you can imagine a rainbow sprouting a pair of vocal cords and speaking all of its colors into existence, that's exactly what her voice would sound like. I see why Kai likes her. She's easy to fall in love with, and he falls in love easily.

"Thank you, um--"

"Desiree, but you can call me Desi. Nice to meet you. Sorry, it couldn't be under better circumstances," she says.

"Same here. I'm Alex, by the way."

I shake her hand and take the tissues, while Kai stands in silence still watching her.

"In Brazil, we'd say, prazer em conhecê-la, Alex."

"That's a typical friendly greeting in Portuguese. Desi's been teaching me bits and pieces of her language, but I'm terrible at it. She's actually just moved here at the start of the semester and is studying in the same program as I am. She's got a pretty incredible life story so far," Kai says, barely able to contain his excitement. He looks like a little boy on Christmas morning. I'm glad to see light in his eyes again.

"It's not that incredible. Kai's just never met a Brazilian girl before," she says, her musical accent lilting through the air.

Desi blushes and then steals a glance that tells me the two of them are more than just classmates. That single moment between them puts some part of my heart at ease. Ever since San Diego, I've been wandering around school paranoid that I'd run into Kai, and he'd see all things Elias written all over my face then flip out. But now that I know he's found someone else, the nervous butterflies kicking up a storm in the center of my chest can quiet down a little. I'm happy for him. I'm happy she found him. He's better off miles away from me.

"How do you two know each other? Are you in the master's program too?" Desi asks.

Kai's Adam's apple bobs in his throat while the both of us struggle to fill the silence.

"No, but Alex and I are--old friends."

His voice comes out with half the confidence I expect it to. When he spoke about Desi, his words were like water, but when it came to me, he choked. The word "friends" got wedged somewhere between his heart and his throat and barely made it out into the open.

He ended things. We both did in our own ways, so the idea of friendship shouldn't sound strained.

But it does.

I tuck the thought into my back pocket and do my best to keep things casual before awkwardness swallows the both of us.

"We are. Kai's a great guy and amazingly talented too. I'm sure the both of you will do amazing things this year. I can't wait to see your pictures!"

Yes, of course, Alex. Just go ahead and invite yourself to their gallery opening where you can show up with Elias and start WWIII. Excellent idea!

"That's very sweet of you, Alex. We'll definitely let you know when we have an event coming up. I'll make sure Kai keeps you posted."

Kai suddenly turns three shades whiter than his t-shirt but does his best to keep his cool.

"Of course, I will," he says. White lie.

"Great, um, anyway, I didn't mean to interrupt you guys! Feel free to go back to your conversation. I have a lot of homework to do so--I guess I'll see you around?"

Kai snaps out of his daze and looks directly at me. For a split second, there's something like longing and confusion in his eyes, but then he blinks, and it disappears in a flicker.

"Are you sure you don't want to join us? Desi was just telling me about the photography series she's planning to shoot for her thesis. You should see some of her old work, it's beautiful. She shot everything in the favelas (slums) in Brazil, and the pictures are just--breathtaking."

Like her.

"That sounds amazing, but I really have to get back to my--someone."

All it takes is a slip of the tongue to bring out the shadows in Kai. They're subtle, almost unnoticeable if you're not paying attention, but they're still there. Right where I left them. He runs a hand through his well-styled hair and slaps on a weak smile. A smile that secretly says this is why I broke up with you and then turns back towards Desi. It takes a half a second for her to center him again. I'm grateful for it. All I seem to do is throw people off balance.

"Well, whoever your someone is, we won't keep them waiting for you," Desi says.

Kai stares down at his shoes for a beat before snapping right back to his cheerful, centered self and pulling me into a loose hug.

"Take care, Alex," he says, but that's all he says.

Silence fills in the rest.

We let go of each other, and I blurt out a quick "You too," before mock-jogging out the door.

I step into the midnight air and stare up at the hazy LA sky until my tears blur the stars. One of my old therapists back in Jersey used to say that "the wise always questioned why they cried."

Back then I'd sworn off crying all together, so I didn't think it applied to me. But tonight, it does. Tonight, I'm not hurting because of Kai or the relationship we never should've had, I'm hurting because of me.

I'm crying for the person I wish I could be, for the happiness I saw in Desi's eyes and the honesty between her and Kai.

That kind of openness.

And wholeness.

I want that with Elias. I want to be so much better than I am. So much more whole than I am. But I don't know how to get there.

I don't know how to be the kind of girl who doesn't worry about darkness hiding behind her smile. I want to be someone who smiles and means it.

I want to fall in love without falling apart.

I want so much more than I deserve, and the weight of it almost crushes me. It almost breaks me into pieces outside of a quiet cafe, until the sound of Elias's voice saves me.

"You know, if you'd told me you were gonna come out all this way to cry, I never would've let you leave," he says, still trying to catch his breath.

He slowly steps out of the shadows cast down from the moonlight behind the pine trees and makes his way towards me an unsteady step at a time. He looks like he ran a marathon to get here sans anything marathon like. Instead, he has on gray sweatpants, house slippers, a zip-up hoodie, and a throw blanket cape wrapped around his shoulders. His chest rises and falls in and out of rhythm while his lungs struggle to catch up with his ambitions, but he doesn't stop to breathe.

Before I have the chance to keep him at a distance, he has me in his arms again. I breathe in the scent of menthol mixed with his beachy cologne, until the familiar safety of his smell breaks down all of my walls. My sadness melts into his t-shirt and slips under his skin, but he doesn't let me go. He surrounds me with a kind of understanding Kai never had. It's subtle, unspoken, and exactly what I need.

Just by being here, as stupid and dangerous as it is, Elias manages to keep my heart and head above water.

"Hey, you got a little something on my shirt there, J. Looks a lot like, what's it called, karmel?"

"What? No, it's actually just my coffee and some of your tea--"

"No, I mean like, this tit torching incident happened to you now because you boiled my balls before? Karcass-kar--"

"Oh, karma!"

"Yeah, you know what I mean, but if you need any help cleaning it up, I'd be more than happy to sip some of it off of you," Elias says, a little too hopeful.

"Elias! Really--" I say, mock punching him, though his humor does help take my mind off of things.

"Aah, I'm kidding... kinda. But, seriously, do you need me to punch somebody? And, by somebody, I mean Kai. Just say the word," He says after a long silence.

I look up at him and see his eyes focused on Northern Lights.

"Elias, how did you know he was--"

"Indigo. She sings like a canary if you threaten her with germs. She's all about keeping her "temple clean" or whatever so all I had to do was cough her into a corner to get her to tell me where you went."

I smile at the thought of Elias terrifying the usually un-phasable Indigo into submission. Half of me wishes I'd been there to see it. Half of me wishes I never left Elias alone in the first place.

"You were eavesdropping on our conversation in the hallway, weren't you?"

He nods proudly.

"Hell yeah. You're not the only stalker in the neighborhood."

I briefly consider asking him how he managed to score a room across the hall from me, but shake off the thought. Come to think of it, I never actually told him I was going to UCLA much less what dorm I was staying in.

After we parted ways in Belmar, we barely had anyway to keep track of each other. I stayed away from his social media just to keep myself from going crazy. If I'd started down that road, I would've fallen further into my sadness than I could've handled.

Maybe us ending up neighbors is fate. That, or he's genuinely a full-fledged creep with more secrets than I want to know about. I'll stick with the former theory.

"That's mildly concerning, but I'm just going to pretend you didn't say that. Anyway, this is gonna sound weird, but thanks for following me."

He pulls me tighter against him until the warmth of his body eases the chill in mine. Walking around in shorts in the middle of an October night wasn't the smartest of ideas.

"Anytime. Can I walk you home? It'll take me a while 'cause I'm tired as fuck, but if you're down for a midnight stroll under the stars, I'm right here."

He grins like a cheese ball and stops my tears in their tracks. I don't know who this boy is or how he could exist in the same body as the one who left me broken in the middle of a beach, but I hope he stays.

"I'll go with you under one condition."

He lowers his head until his lips are inches away from mine.

"And what's that?"

"Make me talk," I say.

A single cute furrow etches its way into his forehead.

"About what? Me? Okay! Sounds easy enough. Tell me how much you love me, Jersey. I'm all ears."

I let out series of disapproving grunts that are specifically catered to Elias's cockiness.

"No, moron. I meant, make me talk about what happened, back there--"

I motion towards Northern Lights.

"--with him."

I don't even have to say Kai's name for Elias's face to flinch. His lips flatten out into a hard, straight line, and his breathing sharpens, but he shuts his eyes and relaxes before he loses himself to the feeling.

"What's there to talk about?" He asks.

I take Elias's hand in mine, lift it to my lips, and kiss away his tension a knuckle at a time.

"All the reasons I'd never go back."

***

Elias is beaming like a lightbulb by the time we get back to the dorm. I don't know how things happened the way they happened, but talking to him about Kai turned into him pulling compliments out of me that did nothing but inflate his already overinflated ego.

I thought he'd quietly and respectfully listen to all of the problems Kai and I had in our relationship, but instead, he interrupted every five minutes with resounding "I told you so's" and " I would've done better's".

By the time we reach the quad, Elias has so much pep in his step he might as well have been walking on cotton candy. I, on the other hand, am more than ready to go back to my room, into my own bed, and spend the rest of the night without having to deal with--

"Dude, Jersey! How come your stuff's in the hallway? Are you beefing with Go-Go?"

"No! What are you even talking about?"

Elias points over to my door where my pillow, comforter, and a large suitcase are sitting nearly in a pile at the foot of my dorm room.

I jet across the quad and find a piece of notepaper taped to the handle of my luggage. I rip open the single piece of Scotch tape and frantically read every word of Indigo's poised, calm, and unnervingly neat handwriting.

Dear Alex,

I know you have questions about your seemingly random exile. However, this temporary departure is not an exile, nor is it random. Nothing in the cosmos ever is. Think of this separation as a journey for the two of us.

Your journey starts with Elias, the invalid cesspool, and today is the beginning of your shared recovery. Both of your auras need to be cleansed. You've infected each other to the point where your toxic denial has infiltrated our shared living space. Remember, the spiritual is fully intertwined with the visible in the physical. So, I am spiritually and physically quarantining you until you are emotionally healthy enough to return to our room.

I've included an incense and sage packet for the two of you to utilize throughout your recovery. This is to ensure your metaphysical bodies can sync and heal in harmony.

I also don't want whatever disease you and Elias are sharing, that's what the Chinese herbs and included minerals are for. The dragon drops should help with the runny nose and chest congestion. ONLY take forty drops in hot water. Don't ask what's in it. Just accept it's healing powers. It's the beauty of Eastern medicine. Take however much you need, their completely natural.

So go, now.

Be with him the way your natural energies have been urging you to for the last three weeks.

Open yourself up to the possibilities that come with faith, hope, and honesty.

Leave fear at this door and fall forward into the unknown.

And, if you're lucky, you might find something beautiful.

Deal, heal, to seal your wounded souls.

Only then will you see real results.

Namaste,

Indigo

***

(Thank you guys so much for reading & listening! How'd you guys like the chapter/audiobook? We had a great time writing/recording this for you all! So now that Alex has been exiled out of her dorm room and is forced to stay with Elias, what are your predictions for what happens next?

Next update will be next Sunday (sadly I don't think Kristen and I have enough time to write something by Tuesday!)

BONUS QUESTION OF THE WEEK (OPEN TO EVERYONE TO ANSWER): What has been your favorite Elias/Jersey scene so far in FHKH? What was your favorite scene in CFTM?

Share your thoughts! We'll be reading!)