https://youtu.be/4QtviMw322w

*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by Kristen (kaelking12) featuring music by  All The Luck In The World, Lauv, and  The 1975.

Elias

So, Jersey's baked.

And I'm not talking happy-go-lucky-case-of-the-mary j-giggles-kinda-baked, I'm talking paranoid-as-balls-level baked.

If it were any other day, I'd just sit back, take in the moment, and watch her ride out the high.

But I can't handle this right now. She's laughing, smiling, and staring up at the sky like the weed running through her veins could catapult her straight through the clouds.

And the sight of it stings.

Even though it shouldn't.

Maybe I'm missing things I shouldn't.

Feelings I shouldn't.

But I'm jealous all the same.

And it's stupid, and childish, but I miss the buzz.

The weightlessness that used to lift me out of my skin, away from my scars, and take me somewhere else.

Anywhere else aside from San Diego.

The thing is, I'm not supposed to need an escape anymore.

I'm supposed to be better.

"Sober and strong."

Stable.

But I'm not.

I feel it.

This town's a trigger and every minute I'm here is another minute I feel like I'm losing control.

Again.

Back when San Diego sunrises used to be my everyday, I'd light up every morning just to keep myself sane after Lacey died.

I'd wake up, roll a couple blunts, and breathe in the fog until it I couldn't think straight. I'd lie in my room and float through my sadness a little green bud at a time.

And it worked. For a while.

It made waking up easier. It made living easier.

The guilt was a little less crushing.

Dad's bullying was a little less painful.

The silence on my phone was a little less loud.

And I fell in love with not feeling.

I was fine with being half-conscious as long as it kept my dad and the rest of real world at a distance.

But right now, I need that distance.

I need the buzz of something in my blood that'll kill the terror tearing through my chest at the thought of talking to my dad.

I want and don't want him to know what happened last night.

I want to tell him that the cop's punches hurt less than him not showing up for me.

But I can't.

I have to bite my tongue and let him act like some big fucking legal hero who'll save me from the SDPD.

He'll walk away from this looking like superman to everyone else, but he'll still be a monster to me.

This is how it is. This is how it's always been.

He wins at the end of the day.

He always wins.

And my screw up just set him up for another home run.

I pull the car into the back lot of the Nordstroms at University Towne Centre and try to breathe through the tension kicking around my chest.

My hands are starting to rattle again, so I jerk the car in the first free space I can find before Jersey sees me shaking. I stop a little too fast, and Jersey flies forward. I reach across the car to stop her without thinking twice about it.

She gasps, and I glance over to assess the damage. My hand ended up low on her stomach, and as soon as she sees that I've noticed, she squirms back against her seat and away from me.

She folds her arms around herself, while her eyes dart all over the place.

She opens her mouth, but a series of squeaks and sputters come out instead of words.

Her breathing spikes, her cheeks light up, and her gaze finally lands on mine. For a split second, she looks mortified, ashamed, embarrassed of herself, of her body, but right when I think to question it she switches modes. She flashes a smile so fake even her high can't make me buy it, but I'm not stupid enough to push the issue. So I keep things simple, and smile right back.

Between my dad-related anxiety and her high from hell, we make quite the fucked up couple.

"You okay?" I ask, even though I know she isn't.

Her eyes triple in size, and right when I think she's about to burst into tears on me, she slaps her hand over her mouth to stop a series of giggles from slipping out into the open.

She only manages to choke back a few, and before I know it, she's laughing to the point where she's trying not to cry.

Women.

"Am I okay?! Holy potatoes that was insane! You drive like those crazy people in the movies who get paid like a gazillion dollars to drive super fast and speed through explosions or flip their cars over! Do you know what I mean, or do I sound crazy? I feel crazy. You're looking at me like I'm crazy, so I'm starting to feel like I--"

I talk myself out of kissing her quiet, and take her by the shoulders instead.

"You're not crazy. You're just high. But you've gotta try to relax if you want to enjoy it."

"Enjoy?! How can I enjoy the fact that I feel like my brain is floating twenty miles away from my body? Not only that, but I keep feeling like something terrible is going to happen, and then I start laughing, and I don't know which why, why which, which essentially makes me crazy! Maybe, this isn't the drugs. Maybe this is just who I am on the inside. A neurotic psycho just like my--"

A mall security car passes behind us and instead of ignoring it, Jersey's eyes stay glued to the rear view. I gently take the side of her face and guide her glazed gaze back my way.

"Stay with me, babe. We've still got the whole afternoon at my dad's to deal with, so don't disappear on me, okay?"

She nods but then whips her head over her shoulder back in the direction of the patrol car.

"Okay, but what if we get arrested for reckless driving and go back to jail?!"

She's lucky that the idea of being behind bars will only ever be a paranoid delusion to her instead of a reality.

Last night, I spent hours wondering if my dad would come through on the bail or bail on me all together. I was scared out of my mind. Scared that I'd get the shit kicked out of me again. Scared that I'd wasted my phone call on the wrong person. Scared that Jersey would go running back to Good Guy Kai. He's more stable than me. He's better than me.

And it's only a matter of time before she figures that out.

No matter how many lies I tell myself, I don't know why she agreed to this trip, or why she gave me the kind of kiss back at the dorm that's still fucking with my head.

Sometimes, she stares at me like she misses me, like she still feels a fraction of what I do. But other times, she's distant.

And I can't blame that distance on the drugs.

It's something different.

Maybe something I did.

Maybe something I didn't do.

I don't know.

I don't want to know.

I shut out the voice in the back of my head and go back to pretending that the day isn't as fucked up as it feels.

"We're not going to jail, Jersey. Everything's be fine. I just need to pick up a suit inside the mall real quick, and then we'll head to my dad's."

Jersey snaps back to reality all of a sudden and stares at me like she's stone cold sober.

"A suit? Why a suit? Can't you just stick to a new pair of jeans and a clean t-shirt?"

I take a second to try to figure out what she's saying and why she's saying it, but before I'm able to get my head around her intentions, her whole face flushes pink.

"Jersey, believe me, if my dad wasn't my dad, I'd show up casual, but I can't. He said I--"

"I know what he said. It's just--I. You. Can't."

"Hmmm, I can't or you don't want me to?" I ask.

She shakes her head back and forth like her skull's a snow globe. A million confessions fall silently behind her stare, and I read everything between the lines. Between the lies that come out of her mouth when she says she doesn't want me, and the truths her body tells. She's only honest when she isn't sober--which sounds way too much like me. I gotta change that. I'm gonna change that.

"I don't--want you to--because--"

"Because what?" I ask.

I lean across the car and right into that beautiful space that makes her sweat whenever I invade it. I don't know if it's Indigo's lack of AC or something me and the weed are doing right, but Jersey's skin starts glistening. Her breathing picks up to the point of hyperventilation the longer I silently press her for an answer.

She's losing her mind.

And I'm loving every minute of it.

"B-Because earlier in the dressing room you kissed me, and got way too close to me, and practically tore my clothes off and now I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking because I just broke up with my boyfriend like twenty-four hours ago, and you getting a suit and looking all manly isn't going to do me any favors, so I'd prefer if you didn't--"

"Dazzle you?"

She gasps. I choke back a laugh. Jersey's all drama and flare and craziness even though I half expected a partial batch of edibles to chill her out.

But she's full of surprises, and I need every one of them.

I need this.

Her.

Her meltdowns.

Her horrified confessions.

Her being the girl I fell for last summer.

She's my escape today.

She's the only thing that'll keep me above water.

Because we haven't even gotten to my dad's yet, and I already feel like I'm drowning.

"YES! I mean NO. I DONT KNOW. MY BRAIN IS CONFUSED, AND IF YOU HAVE ANY CONSIDERATION FOR MY SANITY, YOU WILL NOT--"

I dart out of the car, jet over to Jersey's side, and pull her out of the passenger's seat.

I pick her up, dress-and-all, and carry her into the parking lot, mainly because if I'd let her walk, she probably would've gone running and screaming out of the structure.

Jersey's throwing a tantrum over my shoulder. She's a wild mix of day old perfume, rage, and flailing hands, arms, and bunny rabbit fists.

And I soak in every minute of it.

"I won't what? Drag you kicking and screaming into the men's section of the mall and make you watch me find a suit that'll make your panties melt?"

Her body stiffens, and I almost regret being stupid enough to let my dick do the talking.

But she feels good, and she smells good, and I'm already fucking up this fake girlfriend thing because the Little King can't tell the difference.

And, to be honest, I can't tell the difference either.

Only she can.

***

(Thank you guys so much for reading/listening & for being so cool about waiting for this update! I also wanted to thank you all for the birthday wishes on my birthday last Monday! It was really wonderful reading all of your messages so thank you again! Next update will either be in the middle of the week (so we don't keep you waiting too long) or next weekend! Enjoy the read & audio!)