https://youtu.be/cNqiz5hf0ds

*Note: Click the Youtube video above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by Kristen M. (kaelking12)featuring music by Paramore, Saint Raymond, Smallpools, and Alex & Sierra.

Alex

Elias and I are still holding on to each other when we reach the parking lot. He sinks to his knees as soon as we stop running and pulls me down next to him on the pavement.

I trip over my shoelaces and tumble into the space next to him. He reaches out, steadies me, and slowly guides my head into the space on his shoulder like it's an old habit.

For a split second, I almost forget when and where we are. The present slips back into the past, and, suddenly I remember what it was to be that girl who used to be at home in his arms.

But then my conscious violently reminds me that this moment is just an illusion of who we used to be.

Before everything fell apart.

Before we made the kind of mistakes that left behind ugly scars and uglier secrets.

I force myself to sit up and put necessary space between the two of us, but he throws his arm over my shoulders and pulls me back towards trouble. I stiffen up the second we make contact. My arms straighten out like chopsticks, my neck and head tilt away from him, and my legs can't seem to decide whether to be crossed or not.

Elias turns to me and smiles the kind of easy going smile that comforts and terrifies me all at once.

"You okay, Jersey?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

Do you really need an answer to that, Alex? Maybe, if you weren't squirming around like a beached octopus, he wouldn't be eyeing you like a freak. Stop moving. Sit like a normal person, and get it together.

Stat.

"'Cause you're moving around like you sat on an ant hill."

"No, I'm not. I'm just getting comfortable next to you, friend."

Elias lets out something between a laugh and a sigh and tightens his grip around me.

"Just relax, Jersey. I'm not trying to creep on you or anything. You just looked a little down earlier, so I figured you needed someone to lean on for a little bit, but if I'm making you nervous then--"

"Nervous? Who's nervous? We're all friends here, Elias. F-r-i-e-n-d-s. Indigo and I do this kinda thing all the time too. No big."

"Does Indigo make you blush?"

Touché.

"I am not blushing. We just ran down like, four flights of stairs and crossed the entire quad to get here. People's faces get red when they run. It's science."

"Sure it is."

"Think what you want, Elias. I am perfectly capable of being this close to you without getting nervous about it. See?"

I latch onto his side like a barnacle and wrap my arms around his waist just to prove how comfortable I am. Is it a complete lie? Absolutely. But I refuse to give Elias King the gratification of knowing that he still has the power to give me a series of silent panic attacks.

I hold my ground and wait for him to react to my obvious display of hormonal solidarity, but he doesn't speak.

He leans against me until the clean beachy scent of his cologne sneaks past my nostrils. I shut my eyes for a couple seconds and breathe him in. It's amazing how quickly someone's smell can bring you back to a moment.

My mind turns into a mini-cinema and plays out a scene of the two of us waking up together the morning we went to Belmar. My sheets smelled like him for weeks after that. No matter how many times I washed them. No matter how hard I tried to forget he was there. Some part of him always stayed.

I look up at Elias to find him staring up at the low sandy ceilings like they're painted with stars. He sucks in a deep breath and lets it back out into the evening air.

"Man, Indigo's a lucky girl."

My cheeks flush pink, and I silently curse every single blood cell responsible.

"Well, if I had any other friends, I'd do this with them too, and they'd be just as lucky. I just don't really know anybody here yet, but once I do, it'll be cuddle session central here at UCLA!"

"So, we're cuddling?" He asks.

My heart skips about seventeen beats.

"No. Yes. Maybe."

"Which one is it?"

"Okay, technically we are cuddling, but what does cuddling even really mean, anyway? Can't people just exist in each others' space in a completely platonic way without society slapping some cutesy/coupley label on it? It's ridiculous, honestly."

Elias brushes a few stray strands of hair out of my face, and I do my best to ignore the way the gesture pulls all my feelings in the wrong direction.

"You're ridiculous."

"Well, at least being ridiculous is better than being sad."

He stiffens up and looks over at me with a trench the size of Trenton etched into his forehead.

"Did I do something? To make you sad, I mean."

"No. I did something. Somewhere along the way I became a crappy person, who makes crappy decisions, and now I have to live with the consequences. But that's life, right?"

Elias shoots me a sideways stare, and I avoid his gaze, so he doesn't see how small I feel.

"What are you talking about, Jersey?"

"Kai broke up with me, earlier. At least, I think he did."

"He did what?"

I unearth my phone and show Elias Kai's text on the screen. His eyes nearly pop out of their sockets.

"He ended it. Luckily, it wasn't one of those dramatic screaming match break ups he just--."

"He should've talked to you. At least a fucking phone call, you deserve--"

Elias's voice catches in his throat and his eyes dart down to his hands.

"--you deserve an explanation. You always have."

"There's nothing to explain, Elias. I basically cheated on him. We talked about it this morning, and that conversation went nowhere, so I guess there's not much more to discuss."

The words slip out so quickly I hardly realize what I've said until after I say it. I try to play off the awkwardness that's silently nudging its way between the two of us, but Elias just stares at me stormy-eyed until he finally caves into a response.

"Give me your phone," he says.

"Why?"

"Because he's making a mistake. He's punishing you because of me. If I hadn't tried to get involved with you, Kai wouldn't have pulled this shit. What happened last night was my fault."

Guilt claws at my stomach the same way it did when we woke up together.

"That's not true," I say.

"It is true, and you know it. I shouldn't have gone to that club with you, I shouldn't have danced with you, I shouldn't have kissed you or let things go any further than that, but I did."

"And, so did I."

Elias lifts his hand off my shoulder, stands up, and starts pacing across an empty parking space.

"You were wasted, Jersey. What's my excuse? Vicodin? Last time I checked, making your ex-girlfriend cheat with you isn't one of the side effects."

"You didn't force me to do what I did, Elias. I made those decisions on my own. It's not like you took advantage of me."

"But I let you do things you shouldn't have. I put myself in a position where things could happen between us, and they did. How is that not taking advantage of the situation, Jersey?"

Elias stops pacing and stares down at the broken concrete under his feet. He breathes into the silence and takes a long pause before finding it in himself to continue a conversation that has both of us on edge.

"Up until last night you didn't wanna have anything to do with me, but I wanted you. I've wanted you since I left last summer, but that's not okay anymore. I should just let you go, I should accept that you're with someone else, but I can't. When I moved back to LA, I had it in my head that I was gonna get you back no matter what. And I'm still hoping for that, even though I know I don't have the right to. You have Kai now, and as much as I fucking hate to admit this, he'll probably take better care of you than I ever will. So just--let me talk to him. Don't screw up your relationship because of me."

He holds out his hand in my direction, but I don't move. Every muscle in my body locks in place, silently rebelling against the possibility of fixing things with Kai. I should want to. I should shove over my phone and give Elias a way to fix the damage I've done. But it's not his to fix, and even if he did, I don't know if I belong in a relationship anymore. Not with Kai. Not with Elias. Not with anyone.

"The only person responsible for my relationship falling apart is me, Elias. I'm a horrible girlfriend. The only reason I was able to sort of make things work with Kai was because it was long distance. I don't know what a normal relationship is like. I never have. What happened between me and Rory wasn't normal, what happened between you and me wasn't normal, and Kai was just another person I pulled into my problems. Some people make better friends than they do partners. Maybe I'm just one of those people."

"Or maybe you're just not giving yourself a chance. There are people out there who would love you the right way, Jersey. You just have to get to the point where you're ready to let them."

"Elias, what are you--"

"Forget it. I've gotta make a phone call."

Elias turns his back, fishes his phone out of his pocket, and walks far enough away for his conversation to be out of earshot. Even if he was close enough for me to listen in, my heart's beating too loudly for me to hear him out. I want to believe he's wrong. That I'm just a tragically unlovable person instead of someone who's too scared to open up her heart again.

It's easier to stay broken than to try to build up the strength to allow myself to be vulnerable.

Especially when it comes to him.

Maybe I don't want to be involved with anyone.

Maybe I don't want to be in love.

Because the last time I was, I lost too much of myself.

Pieces I can't get back.

He just can't see the holes.

And I don't know if I ever want him to.

"Jersey!"

Elias's voice comes booming across the parking lot and steals my attention. He waves me over just as a rusty Honda Civic straight out of the 1990's pulls into a space a few feet away from him.

"Our ride's here! Hustle over if you're still coming," he says.

Our "ride" looks like a junkyard on wheels. The sides of the car are crumpled and scratched, and the beat up fenders look like they're a couple accidents away from falling off completely.

A few minutes ago, I was looking forward to the idea of a road trip. But now it looks like we're toting along more problems than we're leaving behind.

I jog over to the car only to get slapped in the face by a cloud of incense once I'm close enough to see who's in the driver's seat. Indigo waves at me from behind the wheel before stepping out and eyeing Elias like a criminal.

"So, what kind of favor involves you stealing my roommate and my car, Elias? You were a little skimpy on the details over the phone."

Elias grips the back of his neck and forces a smile.

"If I give you $200 and my word to bring back your car in one piece, will you give me your keys and not ask any questions?" He says.

If Indigo didn't think we were out of our minds before, Elias just sealed the deal.

"If you give me $250, I'll pretend this conversation never happened."

Elias pulls out his wallet and hands Indigo a stack of hundreds without thinking twice about it. I stop them mid-transaction.

"Guys, this is a road trip not a drug deal! Indigo, thanks so much for offering us your car, but $250 is a little bit out of our range."

"It's fine, Jersey. Let me handle this. Borrowing a car from Indigo is way cheaper than a rental, and I don't care about the money if I'm spending it on--"

"Frivolous road trips?"

"You. That's what friends are for, right?"

"Friends can do things for free, Elias! We could always take the bus, I have a student coupon on Amtrak for--"

"Too late. I already paid your roommate. No backing out now. Anyway, can we get a tour of the car, Indigo?"

Elias happily disregards my money panic and follows Indigo around to the front seat. I'm too horrified by the fact that he's more than okay with spending the equivalent of my monthly allowance on two days. Elias and I clearly come from two very different worlds.

If I asked my parents for $250 bucks to blow on a weekend trip, they'd laugh in my face and send me to my room. Sometimes, I forget that Elias grew up with money. I remember being floored by the sheer size and location of his house in San Diego.

My dad and I used to flip through pages of home magazines and circle our dream houses. Elias lived in one. But, you'd never know. He acted like a stranger in his own house for the sliver of time we were there. I guess the size of a place doesn't matter if the memories in the walls don't make you feel at home.

I eventually trail Elias and Indigo around the car while she walks us through the basics on how to operate her Back-to-the-Future mobile. At this rate, Elias and I will be lucky if we make it out of Westwood before it breaks down.

"Listen up you two. This car's pretty vintage, so don't do anything too crazy or else you'll end up stranded--and I have shitty insurance."

"Oh and my car's a stick shift, so if you don't know how to drive manual, speak now or forever hold your peace."

"I can drive stick!" I say, a little too quickly.

Elias smirks at me, and I immediately regret opening my mouth.

"I'll bet you can."

"Can you drive stick, Elias?" Indigo asks.

Elias nervously looks back and forth between the car and Indigo.

"Yeah, I used to. It's been a while though, but I can figure it out no problem."

"Great. Then you're set. By the way, there's some boxes in the back I'm too lazy deal with right now, so just leave them there, and I'll take care of it when you get back. The registration's in the glove compartment if you need it. Call me if you have any problems, but try not to have any problems, cool?"

"Cool. Let's hit the road, Jersey. Indigo, I'll call you when we're back. Thanks again."

Elias pulls her into a hug she visibly doesn't want and then hops into the driver's seat. Indigo saunters over to me before I can follow Elias into the car.

"You okay?" She asks.

Always so perceptive.

"Not really, but I'll be okay. I think I need to get away for a little bit."

She raises a pierced eyebrow.

"He isn't kidnapping you is he? Just say the word, and I'll call the cops to make him go away," she says.

"No, he's doing me a favor. We're gonna try to work things out on the road. It'll be good."

"So will the make up sex."

My face lights up like a hot plate.

"It isn't like that Indigo! I have--I had a boyfriend."

She smirks at me like a cat.

"Whatever. You're totally gonna do it. Just use protection, kiddies. See you Sunday. Let me know if you wanna go to church to atone for your sins."

I wave her off and jump into the car before she can say or do anything else to embarrass me.

I yank my seatbelt over my shoulder and struggle to buckle myself in. My hands are shaking, and my blood pressure's soaring through the roof, until Elias reaches over and clicks me in without breaking a sweat.

"You ready to do this?" He asks, with a sliver of a smile on his lips.

I stare at his mouth for way longer than I should, and suddenly, flashes of the two of us in my parents car start playing out in my mind.

I shut my eyes, jerk back in my seat, and wait until the memories stop.

"Ready to do what?"

"Go? What else would we be doing?"

"Nothing, Elias. Nothing."

***

(Thank you guys for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading/listening to the chapter! Can't wait to share the next one with you by next weekend! If there are changes, I will let you know!)