https://youtu.be/8njSDpJgE9k

*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen) featuring music by Paramore, Saint Raymond, Kygo (Ft. Kodaline), and Alex and Sierra.

Elias

Twenty minutes later, Tanner's gone and my room still looks like shit.

Aside from the half-ruined pile of t-shirts he tried to fix, everything's in chaos. But it's my chaos. Something I made with my own two hands, and it finally feels like home.

Not because it reminds me of what Dad used to do but because nobody can tell me what to do with it.

Every broken piece of wood, every scattered pair of pants, and every crumpled up sheet is mine to clean up, mine to fix, and mine to do whatever the fuck I want with.

Not Tanner's.

Not anymore.

He looked so shocked when I told him to leave like a single sentence stripped away twenty-two years of authority and left him with next to nothing. I thought he'd fight back or keep arguing with me until I broke down like I always do.

But as soon as those words left my mouth, he stared at me for a solid minute, stuck between trying to say something and trying not to cry, and then he left.

Just left.

The sound of him slamming the shit out of the door is still kicking around my ears, so I grab a pair of headphones out of my backpack and blast the to drown out the memory of him leaving.

I'm not gonna feel bad about this yet.

I'm gonna keep telling myself that the feeling eating away at my stomach isn't guilt but something else.

Maybe it's something like excitement over finally being able to stand on my own.

Or maybe it's something like freedom.

I open my texts, delete everything from Tanner, and draft up a new message to Jersey.

New Text Message to Jersey at 5:22 PM:

EK: You okay?

EK: Me and Tanner got into some shit, but he's gone now if you wanna come over and talk.

EK: Actually, scratch that, my room's fucked up right now. I'll meet you at your place in ten.

Three little bubbles appear on the bottom of the screen and then disappear about as quickly as they showed up.

I stare at my phone and wait for her to answer until my eyes sting. A new email notification from Professor Hayes pops up and steals my attention.

"Urgent: Please read immediately"

Shit.

She knows.

She probably saw my face plastered on the front of the Daily Bruin and is pissed about the fact that UCLA's prized writer in residence was seen with his tongue down a girl's throat. A girl who happens to be in her class.

Fuck.

Hayes can't figure this out.

She won't.

And, even if she does, I'll deny it.

I'll deny everything as long as it keeps Jersey out of the limelight.

My thumb's shaking as I open her email. The page loads, slowly, which doesn't exactly help the whole panic attack situation, but I can't pussy out of reading this email now.

Her words appear on the screen and slap me straight in the face the second I read them.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Urgent: Please read immediately

Good Morning Mr. King,

I hope my email finds you well. I've attached one late forum post I received from Ms. Summers that you haven't responded to yet. Please read and reply to her post as soon as you get this. Thanks again.

Best,

Professor Hayes

***

I click on Jersey's post faster than anything I've ever clicked on in my life.

And I read her words.

A hidden truth at a time.

Every sentence rattles me until the force of her honesty pulls me out of my bed and straight to my door.

I pull it open and find her standing there trying to hide her tears behind a ghost of a smile.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey."

She parts her lips to speak but breathes in the silence instead. Her eyes are so hollow--like big empty rabbit holes that could go on for miles. She's been crying. There's charcoal trails on her cheeks, and as much as I want to reach out and tell her that everything's okay, I can't.

I can't because nothing's okay, and she looks tired of being lied to.

She looks tired of being tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of smiling through her secrets.

My mom used to look at me like that. I never wanted to see another woman I cared about look at me that way again.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have kissed you like that after I said that I--"

I mold my mouth to her lips and hold her whole body hostage even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm breaking all of our rules.

I'm fucking up our friendship.

But for these couple seconds, I don't fucking care.

Because this is my answer to every single word she wrote me.

And before we go back to pretending that we don't want each other, I want her to feel how much I do.

I don't know how long we stay like that, but I end up having to force myself to stop. When I finally open my eyes again and look down at her, she's crying.

I pull her into my chest and just listen to her breathe for a little while. Every breath escapes in tiny helpless pieces and disappears into my T-shirt. I want to stand with her like this until the rest of the world fades out, but the headlines are still screaming in the back of my head.

My attention's split between her and the sound of people talking in the stairwell. People who could see us. People who could dream up a million different ways to ruin this moment for the both of us.

I pull back from Jersey, wipe the tears out from under her eyes, and ask her the one question that's been on my mind since the news leaked our picture this morning.

"If I asked you to disappear with me for the next twenty-four hours, would you?"

She looks up at me, confused.

"Disappear where?"

"Somewhere good. Somewhere better than here. Just until things settle down with Caleigh and Tanner, and the news."

"Elias, I can't. We can't just--"

"Just say you'll go. Fuck this place. Fuck excuses. Let's get lost, Jersey. Let's just leave. I promise I'll have you back here in 48 hours, and if you don't wanna hang out with me after that, then I'll walk. But just give me the weekend to be whatever it is you need me to be, and I will."

She looks up at me, a little more sure of herself than before, but her hesitation to speak kicks my heart into high gear. She shoves her hands into her back pockets and leans towards me on the tips of her toes.

"I will go with you under one condition," she says.

At this point, she could basically get me to agree with whatever she wants.

"Which is?"

"We have to be 100% honest with each other from now on--since we're starting over as friends and everything."

"But, I don't wanna be your friend."

Her cheeks turn hot cherry red.

"That was our deal, Elias."

"I get that. But I'm just being honest--which was also part of our deal. I'll do the friend thing for as long as you want, but I'm probably gonna fuck up the planeterarium part."

"It's platonic."

Maybe, if she didn't talk like a dictionary, I'd be less confused all the time.

"Whatever. I'm just warning you before hand. I've never been friends with a girl before. Especially not one who likes to kiss and confuse the shit outta me. What was that earlier?"

Jersey's eyes drop straight to the floor, and she steps a good couple inches away from me.

"I was just--"

"You were just what?"

"I-I was--I don't know what I was doing."

"Liar. What happened to our honesty agreement, Jersey? Thirty seconds in and you're already breaking your promises? You can do better than that. "

She scuttles back towards her door, but I follow her every step of the way. I could hold this girl hostage, and she'd still lie straight to my face about everything she's pretending not to feel.

She reaches for her door, but I step between her and the handle before she can slip through my fingers.

"Easy on the escape, J. I'm not letting you leave until you tell me why you--"

"I already told you I didn't know, so let's just drop it, okay?"

I should keep my mouth shut and stop pushing her for answers, but I can't help myself. She didn't kiss me like she didn't know what she was doing.

She kissed me with purpose, on purpose. I tasted last summer somewhere on her lips. And, I can't let that go.

"You regret it, don't you?"

She tangles her fingers together until the tips turn white.

"I regret a lot of things, Elias. I just don't want today to be another thing I--"

I close the space between the two of us and stare down into the storm clouds raging in her eyes.

"You won't. Look, I'm not trying to screw things up with you and Kai anymore than I already have, I just think it'd be good for you to get away for a little bit. But you don't have to. "

For a second or two, I stop breathing. I hold my breath until she parts her lips and gives me an answer.

"Elias, I want to. But if you expect me to have any clothes for our trip, then I have to pack for wherever we're going."

I try to hide the smile dancing on my lips, but it's way too late.

"We'll worry about what you're wearing or not wearing later. You didn't answer my question, and I'm not going to leave you alone until you do."

Before she's able to wriggle her way out of the situation, I slip my hands underneath the sides of her shirt and start tickling the hell out of the place on her waist that drives her crazy.

She bursts out laughing and tries her damnedest to get me to stop, but I have every intention of torturing her until I get the truth.

"Elias, stop or I'll scream!"

"You decide when this ends, Jersey. Just tell me the truth, and it all be over."

I pick up the pace, and she squirms around like an earthworm.

"Fine! I kissed you because I wanted Caleigh and Tanner to know that I meant what I said about you last summer. I wanted them to see that what we had was--"

"The real thing."

Jersey bites the edge of her bottom lip and pulls it through her teeth.

"Yeah. After you left, I called Caleigh over and over again because I wanted her to know how I felt about you. I had so many things I wanted to say to you, and I thought that maybe she would tell you what I--"

"She didn't tell me anything. Neither of them did."

Tanner and Caleigh refused to talk to me about Jersey the second I got back to California and started rehab. I used to ask them about her everyday. If she'd said anything, if she'd called, or texted, but they avoided talking about her like the plague just like they did with Lacey.

And that only made things worse.

If Caleigh'd told me the truth, it would've changed everything.

It could've changed me.

It could've kept me from trying to end things with a mouthful pills on that October afternoon.

My hands fall to my sides, and I crack the hell out of my knuckles to keep from hitting something. The same anger that came to life around Tanner spills into my bloodstream to the point where I can't ignore the sting. Being pissed off and disappointed in my brother is one thing, but I've never had a reason to feel that way about Caleigh. Until now. She could've told me.

She should've fucking told me.

Or maybe I shouldn't have trusted her to be any better than my brother when it came to telling me the truth.

"You okay, Elias?"

Jersey's voice snags my attention, and I try my best to swallow my disappointment and focus on her.

"Yeah, I'm just--I just need a minute."

I turn away from her, shove my hand into my pocket, and grab for my phone. I scramble to pull up Caleigh's number, but the brush of Jersey's fingers against my forearm brings me to a standstill.

I wanna pick up the phone and throw a thousand questions at Caleigh until she gives me the answers she owes me. I wanna know why she lied to me, why she visited me in rehab all those times and smiled at me like she wasn't keeping her conversations with Jersey a secret.

She knew how badly I needed her back then. She saw the letters piled on my fucking desk. She saw me losing myself to loneliness. She knew I fucking flatlined, and she didn't say a word.

Not until after the doctors forced my heart to keep beating.

But if they hadn't, I never would've seen Jersey's journal at all.

I would've faded out of this world without knowing the one girl I cared about still wanted me in it.

And, I can't get my head around that.

The thing is, I know everybody deserves forgiveness.

I just don't know how to forgive something like this.

"Elias, don't. I already tried talking to her, and she listens about as well as Tanner does."

And that's why he fucking loves her. At the end of the day, they're exactly the same person.

"I just can't understand why I was stupid enough to think Caleigh wouldn't hide shit from me."

Jersey shuts her eyes and breathes out her frustration.

"That makes two of us."

"Did you try talking to her about why she did what she did?"

"We didn't talk, Elias. We yelled at each other for twenty minutes, and she walked out before we resolved anything."

"At least, you didn't try to knock her out. I thought about clocking Tanner about fifty times during our conversation," I say.

She cracks a half smile.

"Maybe you should've. Nine times out of ten, all guys have to do is punch each other, and everything's right in the world. But girls are chockfull of passive aggression and snarky comments, which was basically happened between me and Caleigh. We didn't solve anything and knowing her, she'll back to lecture me about the 'situation' later."

"She can't lecture you if you're not here, Jersey."

"And what am I supposed to tell her when she shows up here, and I'm gone?"

She folds her hands over her chest and stares at me like she's forgotten what living for the moment feels like. I don't know why or how the hell she ended up in the kind of relationship that put out the fire in her heart, but I'm gonna bring it back.

I'm gonna bring her back.

One step at a time.

"You don't have to say anything. If you're gone, you're gone. She can't do anything about it. You need a weekend somewhere else. Anywhere else. We both do. So stop making excuses, and go pack," I say.

Her eyes run laps around her sockets.

"Elias, leaving out of the blue isn't that easy. I still have to talk to--"

"Talk to him when we get back. If you need someone to talk to in the meantime, I'll be right here."

She steps past me, cracks open her door, and slips inside but stops before she totally disappears.

"Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass."

"You sure? I figured with Caleigh keeping your whole, over-the-phone love confession a secret, that maybe you could tell me what you said to her about me on our little adventure. You know, since we're 'friends' and all. Friends don't keep secrets, Jersey."

The color fades out of her cheeks completely.

"Okay, first of all, no one said it was a love confession."

"Yeah, well, you kinda impaled it," I say.

"Implied, Elias. And no, I didn't. Caleigh and I had a conversation, which I will never repeat because it was sad and embarrassing, and we're working on being friends now, so it's probably better left unsaid. It'll just make things more--"

"Awesome?"

"Awkward."

Now I have to know. I'll get it out of her somehow.

"Fine. I'll let it slide for now, but you've gotta promise that you'll tell me what you said one of these days."

She holds out her pinky and shoots me a sly smile.

"Deal. Luckily, 'one of these days' is totally vague, so, technically, I can tell you when you're eighty-years-old, and deaf."

Oh. Shit. I should've thought of that.

"Whatever. We've got a whole road trip ahead of us, so I'll get you to spill by the end of it."

"Road trip? Where?"

"Someplace good. Just trust me. It'll be fun. I already figured out where to get us a car for cheap."

Her whole face lights up right when the word car leaves my mouth. Good to know I'm not the only one who's mind heads to magical places when I think about the two of us alone in any sort of vehicle.

"Even if you do manage to get us a car, where are we supposed to sleep? I can't afford a hotel, and I don't want you paying for one."

"I wasn't going to. We can lean the seats back in the car and--"

"No. No reclining seats. No sleep overs in tiny enclosed spaces."

She folds her hands over her chest and puffs out her bottom lip. I try not to mistake the gesture as an invitation to kiss it.

"We're friends, Jersey. I'm not gonna do anything--"

"Good."

"--unless you want me to."

She opens her mouth to respond, but a buzz from her phone cuts off the conversation. She opens her screen, and the spark in her eyes burns out.

"Everything okay?" I ask.

She types in a text message, hands shaking, before turning her attention back to me.

"Sorry, what?"

"Is everything okay? You look a little--"

"I'm fine, Elias. Someone just sent me a weird pic. Probably had the wrong number."

She shoves her phone back in her pocket and breaks into a empty laugh I can't even force myself to believe. Some things never change. She's still a pretender. She's still too much like the me I used to be.

"Did somebody send you a dick pic? Give me your phone, and I'll text him back threatening to kick his ass if he sends you stupid shit again."

I slip into a smile hoping to lighten the mood, but she doesn't answer-- just stares down into the screen of that damn phone like her eyes are married to the messages on it.

"You don't have to do that, I already deleted it. But, thanks," she says.

Not even fifteen minutes into this deal, and she's already lying to me. My stomach's doing somersaults in my chest, but I drop the subject instead of pushing her for answers. She'll tell me the truth when she's ready.

If she's ever ready.

"Suit yourself. Anyway, you should get your stuff. We can meet up back here in twenty minutes."

She glances back towards her door like it's a million miles away.

"Actually, let's just leave now. This trip's supposed to be spontaneous, right? So let's just go."

She takes me by the hand and drags me towards the stairs after her without saying another word.

She doesn't even know where we're going, but she's already looking for a place to escape to.

We run the same way.

We turn our backs on life's bullshit, and just disappear.

We beat our chucks against the pavement until the pain fades out of or veins and bleeds into the concrete.

I take the lead as we sprint past our dorms and bolt towards our way out.

Our way home.

Back to the place where my story with her started.

Back to San Diego.

***

(Thank you guys so much for being so patient with this update! A lot of things have been happening that both kaelking12 and I can't tell you about just yet ;) but we hope to be able to share more info soon once we get the go ahead! Anywho, we should be back on regular updating schedule now which will be once a week on Saturday. We will let you know if there are any changes or delays in updates so you guys are alway in the loop. Hope you guys are having a great Easter weekend! Enjoy the audiobook!)