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*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by Kristen () featuring music by The Used, Athlete, and This Will Destroy You.

Elias

Tanner's speechless the second he steps inside my room. I don't know if it's the fact that everything's in pieces or the left over shock of Jersey kissing me right in front of him, but he's dead quiet.

He's never quiet.

He should be talking my ear off. He should be staring me down, eyes full of disappointment just like Dad's, but he won't even look at me. He's too busy avoiding the conversation like he always does.

I open my mouth to get his attention, but he drops to the floor and starts picking up my clothes like cleaning up after me is his fucking responsibility. He grabs a pile of shirts and folds them into perfect little squares, one by one until all of my shit is exactly the way he likes it.

Neat, clean, and flawless like he is.

I pop the pressure out of my knuckles to keep from doing the one thing I want to do, but my temper builds the longer he sits there folding and organizing everything I don't want touched.

I don't need him to pick up my messes. I need to him to let me breathe and let me be. But he's too fucking preoccupied picking up broken pieces of a story he never took the time to understand, and I can't take it anymore.

He stands up and heads over to my dresser to put everything back in place, but I block him before he can reach it. Tanner stiffens up and looks past me like I'm not even there. So I shove him. Hard. I put 190 pounds of force and 365 days of resentment into that push, and he goes stumbling backwards towards my bed.

His back hits the wooden frame with a loud thwack that echoes across the room. He stares at me, stunned, while something like fear scrambles across his face.

And, for a split second, I almost feel strong.

Like if I kept going I could use my fists to make him feel as small as I always have.

But I don't move.

I stand there trying to breathe out my frustration before it swallows me.

"Are you gonna stare at me all day or are you gonna start talking? Fucking say something, Tanner!"

He winces when he gets to his feet, and guilt claws at my chest. I've never pushed him like that. I never should've have pushed him at all.

"What the hell do you want me to say, Eli? What would you say if you saw your brother's room like this? And his name printed all over the news because he made the mistake of making out with the one girl he--"

"It wasn't a mistake, Tanner."

His eyes shift over to the door like he can still see Jersey on the other side of it. He tenses up and chokes back the words he's itching to say. So I say them for him.

"Go on. Tell me I was wrong to kiss her. Tell me that I shouldn't be anywhere near her. Or why don't you send me back to rehab where they'll drug me into losing my fucking mind. Maybe then I'll forget her like you want me to!"

Tanner grabs my shoulders and stares straight through me. Hurt boils over in his eyes, but he doesn't have the right to be. Nobody's ever taken anything away from him. He gets everything, and no matter how much I give up for his sake, it's never enough.

"You should know better than anybody why we had to send you there, Elias. You made a promise, and right when me and Mom thought you were turning things around, you bolt for New Jersey with Alex. Do you know how worried we were? None of us knew what to do with either of you when you left!"

"You should've left us alone! It was four days, Tanner! Four fucking days with her and you couldn't even give me that!"

"You didn't deserve four days! Not with the shape you were in. Not when 99% of what you were doing was still about Lacey!"

His words hit me like a sucker punch, but the truth behind them settles in slowly. I want to tell him he's wrong, that he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, and that I was as dedicated to Jersey then as I am now. But half of me knows that's bullshit. Half of me knows that the guy I was back then was still chasing his ghost instead of genuinely going after the real girl.

But there was always something different about Jersey.

I picked up on it when she kicked me at the airport and when she kissed me on Hollywood Blvd. and when she drove across California to save me from myself.

She was stronger than Lacey. Braver, like no matter what the world threw at her, she could take it.

Lacey needed a lot. Maybe more than I could give. When it came to her confidence, she was always treading water. Always struggling not to let her demons pull her under. Losing her mom shattered her to the point where everyday was a gamble.

Would she be okay? Would she start cutting again? Would somebody say something to her to trigger the darkness I always felt hiding somewhere behind her smile?

I was scared of losing her before I actually did. Lacey was as fragile as she was beautiful, and the first time we kissed, I knew I'd be the one to break her. It was just a matter of time.

But Jersey had steel running through her veins. She was ballsy and gritty like nobody else I'd ever seen and that strength made all the difference.

It's the reason why I fell for her back then and why I'm still falling now.

Because even after everything, she's still here. She's still strong.

She's not standing in Lacey's shadow anymore. She's standing on her own.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I wasn't fully over Lacey at the time, but that didn't mean I wasn't capable of falling for someone else. I didn't think it would happen with Alex, but it did. And I'm not gonna apologize for that."

"I'm not asking you to! I just want you to think about what your doing for once!"

It takes everything I have not to cock my arm back and send my fist flying into to jaw.

"I am! What the hell do I have to do to get you to believe that? She's good for me, Tanner. She's the only fucking reason I'm still here! Before Alex showed up, I was so ready to tap out of everything. I got wasted 24/7 because I was too chicken shit to actually go through with killing myself. But she dared me to change, and for the first time, I actually wanted to. I wanted to be better because she made me believe that I could be."

My throat tightens, and suddenly I'm fighting back the impulse to break down in front of my brother. But if I fall apart, he wins. My weakness will give him a thousand reasons for why I'm not ready to be with her. Why I'm not strong enough or stable enough or good enough to fight for what I want. So I step away from him before he sees between the cracks.

He shoves his hands into his pockets and looks up at me, defeated.

"Why was it her, Eli? Why wasn't Mom enough to make you want to change? Why wasn't I--"

"Because you tried to control me. You told me to stop thinking about Lacey, to stop being sad, to stop getting high and just pretend that everything was okay. Like I could just flip a switch and go back to being the old me. You didn't get that! You didn't get me, and Alex did. She was the only person who told me I had to stop running and start dealing with everything that I went through."

"But at whose expense? I understand that she helped you, she's a good girl. But you have to man up and think about whether or not you're actually good for her. Ever since she got involved with you, she's been different. Caleigh thinks so, her parents think so, and so do I. She was the last person anyone would ever expect to hang around you, but all of a sudden she couldn't stay away. She freaked when I sent you back to San Diego, stole my car, and jetted off to see you out of nowhere--"

"That wasn't my fault!"

It was.

All of it was.

I messed with her head when we messed around in the back of Tanner's car and left without a word after it happened. I was so caught up in my own bullshit, I never thought about what I was doing to her.

"But sending her packing in the middle of the night was! I don't know what you were doing or saying to her when the two of you were alone, but it took a toll on her back then, and it will now. Especially with the media watching your every move. Real relationships aren't games, Elias! They're about responsibility, and I don't know if you're ready to be responsible for her!"

My blood pressure spikes and all my patience evaporates.

"You don't know? I was ready to give my life up for a girl I didn't even want, so you better believe that I can take care of someone I do. I can take care of her, Tanner. You just won't give me the fucking chance!"

"Because I'm scared. I saw what losing Lacey did to you, and I don't want you to fall apart if things go wrong again! I don't want you hurt, and I don't want Alex hurt. Especially over a summer fling!"

"Is that what you think this is?"

My voice breaks into a hundred little pieces as soon as it leaves my mouth. Tanner stares at me confused, like he's missed the point of the past year and everything I did to survive it. He doesn't know anything. I've kept him from knowing everything because I knew he'd be like this. I knew he wouldn't understand. But I don't care if he doesn't understand me anymore. The truth's the truth, and it's about fucking time he heard it.

"What else would it be? It's not like you--"

"I love her, Tanner. I love that girl more than you understand. And I know that may not be enough for you, or Caleigh, or Mom but that doesn't matter to me anymore. I've spent a over year trying to get Alex back because I made the mistake of listening to you when I shouldn't have. You asked me to leave, I left her in pieces, and she still hasn't forgiven me for it. Now the only way she'll come anywhere near me is if she's blackout drunk or if we both go back to pretending we can just be friends. So we lie to each other, and anytime we come close to being honest, she runs away to protect herself from me. She doesn't trust me anymore, Tanner. She doesn't trust me because of you!"

Anger pulses through his fists, races up his arms, and settles somewhere in the muscles of his jaw, but he refuses to react to me the way he wants to.

"She doesn't trust you because of you, Eli! Last summer you were screwing anything that walked, getting into fights, and getting wasted. I was scared to death of what you were going to do to yourself, so how the hell could I trust you around her? After what she went through with her ex, she needed stability, not chaos!"

Something somewhere in my chest snaps, and I stop thinking straight and start bolting for Tanner. Next thing I know, I'm crushing his collar between my hands and hovering inches away from his face. He clamps his hands around my wrists and squeezes until I let go, but I don't back down. I stay right in his face, so he can't run away from the conversation. So he can't run away from me.

"She needed me. She needed me to be there, and I wasn't! But I'm never making that mistake again. I had the Dean put her across the hall, so I could make sure I made up for what I did, and I'm not leaving."

"Elias you can't just--"

"I can do whatever I want, Tanner. This is my life, my dorm, and my decision, and I want you out. "

***

(Thank you guys so much for your incredible patience while waiting for this chapter! I've been working on the official manuscript for CFTM for the past two weeks! So I've been trying to juggle writing FHKH and editing CFTM with , all while working on a small film project at the same time. So I've gotten really behind and I apologize because that's not fair to you guys when I say I'll update (which I genuinely think I can do at the time) and then get steamrolled with work so I don't have enough time/energy to write and record with Kristen. So thank you for still being here! I'm going to set a minimum goal of updating at least once a week (Tuesday or Saturday) so you don't have such crazy long waits for new chapters. Twice a week is getting to be a bit challenging given my schuedule right now! But thank you guys for everything as always!)