https://youtu.be/9rsrBFnvMBI

*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by Kristen ()featuring music by The Used, Tommy Lee (Ft. Andrew McMahon), and Andrew Belle.

Elias

Two minutes after Tanner's text comes in, it happens.

Panic steps up to the plate, drags its bat through the dust, and squares up to take me down.

I stare at my phone trying to figure out how this happened and when this happened, but I can't fucking think straight.

I can barely see straight. The whole damn world's out of focus aside from the black and white picture of me kissing Jersey.

I shut my eyes and try to remember the night. Bits and pieces flicker across my brain in fragments.

The warmth of Jersey's mouth on mine. The taste of cinnamon and moonshine on her lips.

The music.

The lights.

So many damn lights.

Too many.

Enough to mask camera flashes and hide the eyes and faces of people standing around us watching everything.

Photographing everything.

Ruining everything about a moment no one was supposed to see.

But now everyone's seen her.

My heart's beating a mile a minute, but every beat's shallow and aggressive. My pulse radiates through my chest, down my arms, and into my hands which are gripping the shit out of my phone. The screen pops and clicks till the glass cracks on both sides of the body, but I'm too pissed to care.

If breaking my phone was enough to undo what happened, I'd crush it to dust.

But I can't undo anything. Not last night. Not the kiss.

Not a single damn thing.

A second buzz pulls my attention back to my messages.

Tanner follows up his first text with a screenshot of locally trending topics on Twitter.

#WhoIsJersey is sitting near the top of the list burning it's way across the internet a tweet at a time.

My phone buzzes again, but I close my inbox before I read anything else that'll set me off.

I reach up and lock the screen like locking it will somehow stop the chaos on my phone from getting to Jersey, but it's too late.

Her eyes are still stuck on the tiny black square in my hands while she breathes into the silence.

I loosen my jaw to say something to her, to try to figure out the right words to make some part of this situation okay, but my muscles won't move. My mouth tightens up like a vice grip, and all my explanations and "I'm sorrys" suffocate somewhere in my throat.

I watch everything beautiful about Jersey's face fall apart a second at a time. The slight flush in her cheeks catches fire while the light her eyes fades to black. I look for her telltale smile, the one she puts on whenever she's more sure of things than I am, but her lips stay still.

I wanna tell her that I can fix this. That I can figure out a way to "reset" this moment and make it so it never happened. But I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to fucking do.

Except hold on to her until she feels safe. But right before find it in myself to reach out to her, I hesitate.

Fear steps between the two of us, takes a swing at me close range, and smashes my chest in.

I back away from her and into the patient table just to keep from hitting the floor, but the sound's too loud for Jersey and Indigo not to notice. The only thing louder than my stumbling is the penny whistle sound crawling out of my lips every time I try to breathe.

I shut my eyes hoping to God that it'll somehow make me disappear, but I don't. I stand there in the dark, helpless and terrified, while my body shuts down a shallow breath at a time.

But then she saves me.

Her hands find their way up my arms, along my shoulders, and eventually reach the sides of my face where she holds me soft and steady.

I open my eyes and she's right there, smiling through her worry like nothing's wrong.

Like everything's gonna be fine.

Like we're gonna be fine.

And the gaping hole in my chest closes a little.

But my hearts still trying to beat its way out of it.

I stare down at her wide eyes and try to lose myself in their quiet confidence, but I can't.

I see how breakable she is and how fragile the girl behind that New Jersey smile will become once she sees what people are saying about her.

I remember every single comment people posted about me and Lacey. The names the called her, the lies they told, and the ways they tore her to pieces.

I can't let that happen again.

But the world doesn't give a shit about what I can and can't do.

It gives and takes as it pleases.

And it always takes from me.

I lean forward and hold on to Jersey so hard I'm afraid it'll scare her, but she doesn't let me go.

Even though I'm shaking.

Even though I everything about this moment makes me feel so much smaller than I wanna be.

She stays. Like she always has.

She leans in and tells me everything's gonna be okay.

She tells me to breathe, to slow down, to find my way out of the black hole pulling me under.

And for the first time, I finally believe that I can.

"Is he okay?" Indigo's voice fades in and out of my ears and suddenly I'm all too aware that she's been watching me the whole time.

My face heats up when I open my eyes and see her standing next to us looking more worried than I want her to be.

I pull myself off of Jersey, straighten up, and try to act like nothing happened. I don't know why I think pretending will work, but I wipe the sweat off my face and keep on bullshitting regardless.

"I'm--I, uh--"

My mouth turns to sandpaper mid-sentence, so I turn back to Jersey hoping she'll save me a second time. She reaches out and squeezes my hand before stepping between me and Indigo.

"He's gonna be fine. But I think it's best if we head back to UCLA soon. Just thinking about mid-afternoon LA traffic would give anyone anxiety, right, Elias?"

She winks at me, and all the weight falls off my shoulders. I wanna kiss her. I wanna drop to my knees and thank her for not giving away my secrets. But I can't do any of those things. Not right now, anyway. So I stand there hoping she can hear my unspoken thank you's through the silence.

"Right. Sorry to bail like this, Indigo. But I owe you one. Seriously. Thank you for everything you did for me earlier. Can me and Jersey buy you lunch sometime?"

"Sure, as long as it's vegan."

Jersey whips around to face me with a inch deep furrow in the middle of her forehead.

"I'm sorry, why am I buying her lunch?"

I lean over and nudge her with my elbow.

"Because you're my best friend, and vegan shit is expensive."

"You're the best-selling author! You pay for it, I'm on scholarship!"

"Fine, but you're still gonna go out with us right?" I ask, hoping that she doesn't pick up on the fact that I'm low-key trying to date her.

"I will as long as you're paying," she says through a smile.

"I'll treat you both. But I'm not gonna be able to pay for anyone if I don't get back to UCLA. Tanner's gonna end me if I stay out any later than I already have."

Jersey looks at me and nods like she understands even though she doesn't. She doesn't know anything about who Tanner is outside of the friendly big brother bullshit act he puts on whenever other people are around. But when we're alone, I see as much of my dad in him as I do in myself. I wish I didn't.

"We can call a cab if you want. It'll be faster that way. You coming, Indigo?" Jersey asks.

Indigo shakes her head and goes back to cleaning her needles.

"No thanks, I've got things to do, but I'll catch up with you two later. Good luck with your 'friendship'," she says.

Her words worm their way under under my skin worse than her stare, and the longer she looks at me the more guilty I feel about holding back so many secrets.

Indigo knows things about me that Jersey doesn't.

Not because she means anything to me, but because she's an outsider, someone who won't get hurt by the stories I tell, so I've told her almost everything.

Things I'm too scared to tell the girl who needs to hear them the most.

The truth about rehab, me, Mindy, and our make-believe daughter.

Everything bad about last year is sitting in the back of my mind, picking away at me the longer I keep it a secret.

But I'm not ready for Jersey to hear about what happened yet. Because the second I spill the truth, it'll hurt her worse than hiding it from her, and I'm not ready to hurt her again.

Not this soon.

"Thanks, Indigo. See you later," I say, while making a point not to look her in the eye.

I pick my clothes off the patient table, signal Jersey to wait for me, and duck into the patient bathroom where I'm out of her sight.

I pull on my shirt and jeans, try my best to adjust my boxers so they stop rubbing against my balls, and wait a couple seconds before heading back outside.

Leaving this room means eventually having to talk to Tanner, and that's the absolute last thing I wanna have to do.

My pulse picks up at the thought of how he's probably gonna react when he sees me show up with Jersey. He's never seen us together, but given how last summer ended, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to.

He doesn't even know that I've been seeing her or that she's in my class and living across the hall, but he doesn't need to.

He spent the last year policing the shit out of every single part of my life, and I'm tired of always having to listen.

I'm tired of doing things his way instead of going after the things that I want. And I want Jersey. I want her here, I wanna start over, and I'm not gonna pass up my only shot at a second chance.

And sure, I might not have the words or the brains to keep up with him in a argument about all of this, but I have the heart.

And it belongs to her.

So even if he tries to talk me out of being around her, this time, I'm not gonna listen, and I'm not gonna leave.

Real talk.

***

(Thank you guys so much for waiting so long for an update! I had a horrible bout of flu last week which threw off my update schedule. I also had a manuscript to edit so I'm sorry for getting off schedule! Me and will 100% have the next update for you on Tuesday, so stay tuned! Hope you guys enjoyed the audiobook! Let us know if you're listening so we can say thank you!)