https://youtu.be/ZjluCJUFS88

*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen M.) featuring music by Tegan & Sara, The 1975, Parachute, and Peace.

Alex

When I imagined Elias and Indigo running off to indulge themselves in a psychedelic sexual escapade, I pictured their LA hideaway looking something like this.

Imagine:

A tiny San Fernando Valley office made of 100% organic bamboo, surrounded by a perfectly manicured Japanese garden. The whole scene is flaw free. No grass blade is left uncut and no Buddha statue is out of place. Everything is calm, peaceful, serene--except what's going on inside of course.

But, more on that later.

As you walk through the front door of said debauchery den, the air is thick with misty incense and the smell of sweat and insincerity. The wooden floor is mostly covered by hand-sewn pillows and hemp mats imported from around the world. You're briefly dazed by how beautiful everything is until you remember that you are not here to enjoy the scenery, but to return a wallet to someone in the middle of a Kama Sutra session.

You shake off the thought and force yourself to walk through a series of long, sheer drapes hanging from the ceiling to section off different parts of the room. For a moment, you contemplate why anyone would hang random drapes all over the place, but then you remember that in Indigo-land there are no such thing as doors, or privacy, or boundaries.

Everything is open to everyone.

Even things that shouldn't be.

(Sorry. Back to the imaginary tour.)

As you continue walking, a kind-eyed receptionist waits seated on the floor to welcome all new guests with freshly brewed glasses of potentially hallucinogenic tea.

You politely decline, say the secret password, and she directs you towards the back of the building where one of your nightmares is slowly becoming a reality.

After nearly backing down, you hold your breath and ready yourself to face the inevitable. You continue down the long candlelit hallway and eventually arrive at the final set of drapes separating you from the truth.

You hear it before you see it, the sound of your ex-boyfriend and your roommate grinding their way to nirvana.

You tell yourself that it's okay, that he's a single guy who can do what he wants, and that you don't mind because what he does isn't your business anymore.

And then you see it.

You see them.

Tangled together, staring into each other's eyes like they've finally found what they've been looking for.

And you shatter.

Imagine ended.

This ladies and gentlemen, is the kind of situation I assumed I'd be walking into this afternoon. But, that was ten minutes ago, when I was stranded on a bus with my overactive imagination.

Now that I'm actually standing outside of the very garden-less, beige cinderblock of an office building, my perception has slightly changed. My soul-crushing anxiety, however, has not.

In the last few seconds, I have gone up and down the front steps at least six times and done absolutely nothing productive aside from contemplate whether to press the buzzer or not.

Sweat breaks out across my forehead as I complete walk-up number seven, which will most likely end up the same way the previous six did--in failure.

I stare at the silver label for the umpteenth time, lift my finger to the button, and--hesitate.

Again.

I shouldn't be hesitating.

I should be kicking my way through glass doors like someone who's actually prepared to handle whatever life throws their way.

But, I can't move.

I can't move because I don't know if I'm ready to see him, or look at him, or talk to him after what I wrote.

After what he said.

After everything we did.

I'm still trying to get my head around last night, but I can't.

I still taste him on my lips even though Kai's the last person I kissed.

And that's wrong.

And ugly.

And backwards.

But, it's true.

No matter what I try to convince myself of with Kai, Elias still gets under my skin. He moves me more than anyone else. He bothers me more than anyone else, and the second he steps into a room, every wall I've put up to protect myself crumbles, and I go right back into my confusion.

Right back into feeling so much more than I want to.

Twenty-four hours ago, I thought I knew what I wanted and who I wanted.

Now I don't.

But, maybe, this is how I make that decision.

Maybe walking in and seeing Elias and Indigo together is what I need to let him go.

To let everything go and finally figure out what it means to not be tied to anybody.

I lift my finger to the buzzer, and let it ring until a muffled voice comes spattering out of the speaker.

"Password?"

"K-Kama sutra!"

The buzzer goes silent just as an elderly couple comes out the black glass office doors. The two of them raise their grey bristly eyebrows at me, and I smile sheepishly hoping they don't think I'm the kind of person who screams about ritual sex positions on a street corner. But, it's too late.

The frosty haired woman clicks her tongue against her teeth as she passes and her husband shoots me a disappointed grandpa glare that makes my whole face flood red.

I duck inside before embarrassment crushes me completely. My eyes make their way down the shallow hallway and over to the gold name plate about two doors away from where I'm standing.

A pink lotus flower is engraved into the placard underneath a list of names I don't recognize, but the undeniable smell of spicy incense seeping out from the office gives the location away.

I step up to the door, gingerly place my hands along the handle, and suck in a mouthful of the sage-and-cinnamon-tinged air.

You can do this, Alex. Whatever happens, you can do this.

"Welcome, sister."

I stare up into a pair of kind brown eyes and find a tall, undeniably handsome stranger standing in the doorway in front of me. He looks like he just stepped off the stage of a sold-out show at The Troubadour.

His dark hair is rock-alternative-messy, but not long enough to reach man-bun status. His cheekbones are strong, defined, and his jawline is just beginning to show the start of a shadow.

He's gorgeous.

Please-play-your-guitar-and-write-me-a-song kinda gorgeous. If I wasn't a romantic prisoner of war, I'd definitely have a crush on him--and that "everything's gonna be alright smile". But I'm doomed when it comes to men so I'll just admire him from a distance.

"Hi, sorry, I'm not sure if I'm in the right place, but I'm looking for someone named Indigo," I say.

He smiles and ushers me in before I have a chance to compose myself.

"You're Alex, right? Her roommate?"

"Yeah, I brought her wallet. She left it back at the dorm this morning."

He grips the back of his neck and shakes his head.

"Typical, Indigo. I'm Ryker by the way. I help her out around here sometimes."

"Nice to meet you."

He extends a hand, and the subtle strength in that handshake could take out an army.

"Likewise. Anyway, Indigo's in the back. Fourth door to the left. She should be waiting for you."

Good. Maybe her and Elias have already finished being indecent with each other. Excellent timing, Alex.

"Thanks, Ryker."

"No problem. I'm sorry she wasn't out front to greet you. She's been caught up with a particularly vocal guy all afternoon."

Terrible timing, Alex.

"Oh. Weird. This is probably an awkward question, but what exactly do you guys do here?"

Ryker slips into a sideways smile, and his cheeks light up a little.

"Well, We help people with problems I can't exactly talk about. Indigo's mom runs the place , and I'm sure she'd be happy to talk to you about it if you're interested. Take a card."

He walks over to a low to the floor desk and comes back with a business card shaped like a lotus flower.

The Indie Healing Center. Specializing in mental, physical, emotional, and sexual homeopathic therapy since 1994.

I nod and pocket the card as quickly as possible.

"I'll keep this in mind. Where did you say Indigo was again?"

"Oh, Fourth door down to the left. Knock first. She might still be in session."

I nod and smile like the idea of her and Elias's session isn't eating away at me and continue down the hallway. I give Ryker a parting wave, he throws a lazy salute in my direction, and goes back to the opposite side of the room. I'm not even halfway down the hallway before the sound of Elias's moans break the silence.

Loud moans.

Wonderful.

"Holy shit, Indigo. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this."

"Relax or we won't make it to the best part."

"How am I supposed to make it to the best part? My shrink said I was supposed to take it easy!"

"This is easy."

"It hurts!"

"Pain before pleasure, Elias. Now, hold still and wait for the magic to happen."

I smash the side of my face against the door only to hear Elias struggling to breathe. I wish I didn't wanna know why he's struggling to breathe, but like I said, my human decency points today are in the negative. Fact.

"What are you--doing to me?"

"Do you still want me to stop?"

"No, no, no. Keep going."

Panting?

"Harder?"

More panting.

"Way harder. Just don't stop. Don't--"

My hands grip the handle harder than I've ever gripped anything, and I push open the door before common sense kicks in to stop me.

Elias is naked.

Very naked.

And full of--

--needles?

His body's impaled from the waist down, and his face is hidden behind a small steaming towel which I assume is there to keep him from freaking out.

Indigo's sitting behind his patient table, (fully clothed by the way), massaging the tension out of Elias's shoulders with her elbows. She looks up at me, smiles like she isn't guilty of anything my imagination accused her of, and silently waves me over.

My breath hitches the second I step past the door and closer to him. The floor creaks and suddenly Elias shifts all his attention in my direction. His body tenses, and he tilts his head towards me before I can do or say anything. The towel slides off his face an inch at a time and hits the floor in what feels like slow motion.

And, suddenly, we're staring at each other, again.

Saying everything and nothing across the silence.

Across the space both of us are afraid to step into.

I ball my hands into fists just to stop them from shaking, but my nerves rattle and quake the longer he looks at me. I don't want him to see that I'm shaking or that I'm shaken by him.

But I am.

I'm shaken by everything he said over the phone. Everything I said online. Everything we did last night.

A year's worth of unanswered questions and unresolved arguments boil over in my bloodstream.

I open my mouth to say something to him, but my throat swells shut.

I wait for him to call me out on all the mistakes I made with him and Kai this morning or confront me about the problems I pulled him into last night, but he doesn't.

He stares at me with so much brokenness hiding behind his eyes, and it crushes me.

Completely.

We are so much alike. Too much to exist in the same space without being consumed by our sadness.

I turn and walk out of the door before my tears give all of my weaknesses away.

I'm not even halfway down the hall when I hear Elias and Indigo's voices booming back inside his patient room.

"Elias, sit down! You can't get up until I take those out!"

"I don't give a fuck about what I can and can't do, Indigo. I need to talk to her!"

"Not until I--Elias, stop!"

Elias sucks in a couple sharp breaths, a series of clinks crash against the floor, and then the door flies open behind me.

Elias is standing there in a bloodstained towel, staring at me with the kind of intensity that sets the air on fire. I turn away from him because I have to.

Because every time he looks at me my heart beats hard enough to crack the bones in my chest.

But then, everything shifts.

His footsteps rush up behind me and eventually stop when there's next to no space left between us.

The heat of his arms surround me as he pulls my body back against his and lowers his head till it's flush against mine. He leans in to the point where I feel his lips lightly graze the curve of my neck, and then slowly melt into a soft kiss. My skin comes to life at his touch, but the words he whispers into the silence shatters me.

"Tell me how to let you go, Jersey. Tell what I'm supposed to do, 'cause I don't know what the right thing is anymore."

"Elias, I--"

"I know you have Kai, and I know he's better than me. He's always been better than me. But I can't just sit here and pretend that I'm okay with letting you go like this because I'm not. And I know he could probably give you everything. And I see how badly he wants you. But I fucking need you. Jersey, I gave up just about everything to get back to you because I wanted you to see that I could be different. That I'm a better guy than I used to be. And I know showing up like this is selfish, and I'm sorry if me being here is fucking with your life, but I've been waiting 365 days to fix what I did to you. And I'm not leaving--"

Elias's chest rises and falls violently against my back as his voice breaks into a hundred little pieces.

"--I'm not leaving until I show you that I can fix this. That I can fix us."

I lift my trembling hands towards his and hold onto the tips of his fingers like we never fell apart.

"How are you going to fix me?" I whisper.

Elias tightens his grip around my shoulders, and for the first time since last summer, I let myself dissolve into the space where I used to feel safe.

"I'll start here--"

He trails his hand downward until his palm is pressed flat against my t-shirt. My heart ripples underneath his fingers, unsteady, unsure, but more alive than it's been in the past year. I shut my eyes and let my tears take away my anger, my pointed questions, and my pain.

I want to ask him so much. Why he left. Why he never answered me. Why he seems so full of secrets. But I don't. I don't need his explanation right now, I need to lose myself to this moment. I need to lose track of a reality that keeps threatening to destroy the two of us.

So, I let go.

I let my doubts stream down my cheeks and dissolve into Elias's sun-kissed skin.

"--and, I'll start everything over for you."

***

(Thanks so much for reading/listening guys! Part 2 will be up on Saturday! I really hope you tuned into the audiobook because kaelking12 did a great job with this chapter! How'd you guys like the recording? And what do you think is next for Elias & Jersey?)