https://youtu.be/D4AsF1QRrFw

(*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen M.) featuring music by Peace, Conor Maynard/Gnash, Ok Go, This Will Destroy You, and Explosions in The Sky.)

Elias

I pick up a piece of cracked wood and chuck it across the room. It crashes against the door and thuds onto the ground, but the sound doesn't stop.

Three muffled knocks echo across the quiet.

I open my mouth to ask who it is, but my voice is just about gone. So I force myself to move. I get off the ground, wipe my eyes, and walk over to the door hoping to God Jersey's waiting outside.

I crack open the door and Indigo's standing there with a huge jar of green shit in her hands and a shadow of a smile on her lips.

"Hi, Elias. You look like shit. Want some smoothie?"

She lifts up a hand to offer it to me, but I wave it off.

"No, thanks. I'm kinda busy right now."

I start closing the door, but she shoves her foot in the way before I can shut her out. She sticks her head inside and looks at the mess I've made, but I don't even have the energy to stop her.

"Remodeling?"

My face heats up as she steps past me and stares at the state of the floor. I open my mouth to try to explain things, but I don't even know what to say.

I don't know how to tell her how fucked up everything is, or how fucked up I am, or how fucked it is that I did all this.

I can't believe I did this.

The whole room looks like my house did after dad tore through it. Maybe we're not that different after all. We ruin things the same way.

"Look, I appreciate you coming by and everything, but I've kinda had a fucked up morning ."

"I heard. The RA's downstairs were about to come up here with security to see what all the noise was about, but I offered to check on you instead."

"Shit, really?"

"Yeah. You're lucky I stepped in before UCPD did. Otherwise, it would've been off to proverbial prison for you."

I lean out into the hallway and look around for anyone else who might be trying to worm their way into my problems, but the quad's quiet.

Thank God.

"Was I--that loud?"

Indigo nods her head, and my lungs lock up.

"I'm pretty sure the whole second floor heard you, but don't stress about it. You're not the first person to go super nova around here. The day before you moved in, two sophomores got into a fight over fantasy football and one of them put their fist through the common room window."

Shit. At least, I'm not that bad. Not yet anyway.

"Yeah, but they're not me. If anybody finds out 'Elias King' trashed his dorm, I'm gonna be screwed."

"There are worse things."

"Not really. If the Dean hears about this, my special privileges are gonna disappear. Seriously, Indigo I can't have anybody on my case about--"

"Last night?"

Deny. Deny. Deny.

"Uh--no. I just don't want them seeing t-the mess."

"Yeah, but there wouldn't be a mess if you hadn't gotten all caught up with my roommate last night. Right?"

Fuck. She knows. The whole world probably knows. I might as well have Alex's name tattooed on my forehead at this point.

"Yeah, but I'm over that situation now, so it's whatever," I say.

Indigo raises her eyebrows at me.

"And I'm Mahatma Gandhi. I get it, Elias. You want her, she's not too sure if she still wants you, but she turns into the make-out monster when she gets drunk. Typical 'not over it' behavior. Am I right?"

My heart drops out of my chest and lands somewhere on the floor where Indigo can't see it sinking into the carpet. I grip the back of my neck and try to squeeze the tension out of my muscles, but nothing helps.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"You should. Secrets are toxic for the soul."

She's right. I hate that she's right, but I do need to talk to somebody. Maybe if she'd showed up a couple minutes sooner, my room wouldn't look like a hurricane tore through it.

I should've just called Dan. He would've talked me down easy, but calling him feels hella awkward now thanks to Jersey.

My mom probably could've made me feel better, but if I'd heard her voice earlier I would've lost my shit over the phone, she would've freaked out, and grabbed the next flight to LA just to check on me.

That leaves Tanner and Caleigh, but they weren't options for obvious reasons.

They don't even know who I'm living next to, or that I pulled a couple strings with the Dean so that Jersey'd end up across the hall from me, or that we got drunk and way too touchy feely last night.

And guess what? I'm never gonna tell them.

'Cause if I spilled those secrets over the phone, the two of them would've driven over here and murdered me in my bed already. Real talk.

So basically, I'm stuck with Indigo the weirdo as my only go to. Fantastic.

"Look, if we talk, the rules are the same as last time. No running to the press with my crappy life's story, cool?"

"Frosty."

"And don't expect flowers and rainbows or whatever cause I'm in a really shitty mood."

"I got that. So why'd you go all H-bomb on your room?"

"I was pissed."

There conversation over.

"At who exactly?"

"I don't know! Kai, Jersey, myself. I guess I just thought that things would be different. That she'd be different or that I could--"

"Change her mind? Win her back? Pull off the whole ex-in-shining-armor stint?"

My mouth drops open and she lets out the kind of laugh that I'm not to sure how to read. Whatever. She can think my plans are as stupid as she wants, but they made sense to me at the time.

"Hell yeah, I did! Kai's a dick. He's doing everything wrong when it comes to her, and I see it. I know she's not happy, she's knows she's not happy, so I thought that after everything we did last night that she'd wanna end things."

She takes a long sip outta her smoothie before she speaks again.

"What exactly did you do last night after you made out on the dance floor like animals?"

I try to keep a straight face, but my cheeks light up like a hotplate.

"We uh--we didn't have sex if that's what you're asking."

She slips into a crooked smile and rolls her eyes at me.

"But you wanted to?"

Yes.

"Next question."

"Did she want to?"

YES.

"I don't know," I say.

"Really, Elias? She was practically ripping your clothes off in the hallway."

I clear my throat hoping to God she'll catch my hint to drop the conversation, but she just stares at me till I crack.

"Okay, fine. We both wanted to, but I can't 'cause my dick's fried, and even if it wasn't, I wouldn't do that when she's drunk."

"I never said you would've."

"Yeah, I know, but Jersey kept looking at me like I'd violated her this morning, and I've been pissed off about it ever since."

Indigo flashes me one of her little cat grins.

"That's just 'cause she's embarrassed that she jumped and kinda humped you."

Really? Well, that makes me feel better. I like Indigo.

"Yeah well even if that's true, none of that matters now 'cause she went running back to that asshole. Again."

"Oh, it matters. People can lie to themselves for a very long time, Elias. Especially if it means not having to deal with the truth. Trust me. My mom's been doing it for twenty years."

Indigo's eyes flicker away from mine, and she stares out into the distance like she's watching memories play out across my dorm window. She's heavier all of a sudden. The carefree airiness about her fades, and a familiar weight sinks down on top of the both of us. I know that look. Only kids who've cracked under the pressure of their parents' mistakes can recognize it. The brokenness never really disappears. We just learn how to hide it. Even if it means pretending to be people we're not.

"Shit, seriously?"

Indigo snaps back out of her daze and stares down at her sandals instead of looking at me. I get it though. I never mentioned my family's problems to anyone except Jersey. But even when I did, it sucked.

It's never easy to look someone in the eye when you're not proud of the family you come from. You're always scared they'll see your flaws. I'm always scared they'll see my father.

"Yeah. Long story short, my mom ended up marrying my safe bet of a stepdad. No risk. No reward. Nice guy. Does all the "right" things. But he's just not my dad. She hardly even smiles anymore but hey, that's what Xanax is for, right?"

I reach out and place my hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, my mom married the wrong guy too, so I get it."

Indigo shoots me a ghost of a smile, but then peels my hand off of her a finger at a time.

"Not to be the personal space police or whatever, but your aura's like super toxic right now so touching is a major no-no. You should come cleanse with me this morning," she says.

Right.

"What does that mean?"

"It means, you get dressed, leave this Chernobyl of a room behind, and come meditate with me in Santa Monica. It'll be good for you to get out of here for a while."

Santa Monica. I haven't been to Santa Monica since I got wasted last year and had to have Jersey come and save me. As shitty as that day was, I'd give just about anything to go back. At least, back then I had a shot with her. Now, I'm stuck chasing the ghost of who she used to be.

"Sure, but what about my room?" I ask. Indigo looks around and then shrugs off the mess like it's no big deal.

"I know a guy. He'll take care of this little disaster if you've got twenty bucks."

Shady.

"What kind of guy? I'm not just anybody, Indigo. I can't just let random strangers into my room. What if I get robbed? What if they take pictures?"

She cocks an eyebrow and scoffs at me.

"Elias, he's the grounds keeper for our dorm. We bonded during move in. If you want, I can give him a call, and he'll fix this situation, same day. Otherwise, you'll have to ask Roxy to call him for you and he hates her so it'll be at least a week and a half before he gets around to your room. Your choice."

"Deal. Just give me a sec, I gotta get my wallet. I'll meet you outside."

She steps back into the hallway, and I shut the door behind her. I don't even know where to start looking for a clean shirt seeing as every fucking thing I own is scattered all over the floor, so I grab the closest thing I can get my hands on.

I trip and nearly kill myself walking into the bathroom and over to the sink. I splash cold water on my face, but it doesn't do me any favors. I look redder than a fucking watermelon, and my eyes are bloodshot to the point where anyone within two feet of me could tell I've been crying. Yep. This is definitely a RayBan day.

I pull open the one drawer I didn't ransack, dig out a pair of sunglasses, and head outside. Once I reach the hall, I catch sight of Indigo standing outside of Alex's door knocking like she doesn't live there.

"What's the hold up, Idaho? Don't you have a key?"

She reaches into her pocket and waves it in front of my face before sliding it into the door. The little light next to the handle flashes red so she knocks again. Loud bumps and thuds sound off from the other side of the door, and it finally cracks open.

Kai's standing there with Jersey's towel wrapped around his waist staring at me and Indigo like we just trespassed on his territory.

Mistake number one.

"Sorry it took so long to answer the door, Alex and I were in the middle of something--"

Son of a bitch.

--what do you need, Indigo?"

I don't know what Indigo needs. But I know I need to get the fuck out of this quad before I put my fist through Kai's face.

"Yeah, um. I need to grab my bag and a change of clothes if that's cool."

"Now's not really a good time. But, I could grab Alex, and she could find what you need and give it to you."

Now's not really a good time? Why the hell not?

"I'm sorry, Kai, are you Alex's boyfriend or her secretary? We wanna talk to her, not you. Comprende?"

Kai narrows his hipster eyes at me before looking over his shoulder and calling out to Alex in the back. I'm trying not to think about why he's in her towel. Or why he's dripping water all over the goddamn floor. But Jersey answers all my questions when she shows up beside him. She's drenched. A thousand little beads of water are painted across her body and steam's rising off her skin like she just stepped out of a sauna.

I start staring before I even think to remind myself to stop.

But the second I see her standing next to that asshole looking ghostly pale and panicked, reality knocks the wind outta me.

Kai slings his arm over her shoulder and then pulls her into an over-the-top kiss just to prove a point.

And it hits home.

He knocks it outta the fucking park because she won't even look at me now.

She's scared.

Small.

She keeps her eyes on him like a well-trained dog and waits for him to tell her what to say or do, or how to react.

He's pulling all her strings, and she just--lets him.

She lets him do whatever he wants.

And I don't know what she's doing.

Or why.

Or how she can bring herself to do every single thing he wants without thinking about what she wants.

But this isn't the girl I fell for.

This is the picture of who Kai wants her to be.

Or maybe this is what I turned her into.

Kai leans down and gives her one last peck on the lips before he disappears back into her room. When she finally brings herself to look at me, I can hardly stomach her hollowness.

And her sadness.

So I pretend I don't see it. Or feel it. I pretend I don't feel anything. I bury Eli, and let the old Elias King come out to play.

"Hey, Indigo. What's up?" She asks.

"I just wanted to grab a couple things before I head out."

"Oh, um. Now's not really a good time, but I can grab your stuff for you--"

Wow. She even talks like him too.

"--what do you need?"

"Her bikini. Me and Indigo are gonna hang out in Santa Monica together, so I figured we'd make a day out of it. Splash around by the pier. Mess around in the water. Get her all wet. It'll be fun. You remember how fun Santa Monica was, don't you?" I say.

All the color drains out of Alex's face, but she nods and plasters on a Post-It smile despite me.

"Yeah, it's great."

"You bet it is, especially for first dates. Right, Indigo?"

***

(Thank you guys so much for reading! Next update should be on Tuesday! I know me and kaelking12 are putting you through the ringer right now when it comes to Jersey & Elias's drama but have faith! All is not lost ;). It's only their first 48 hours around each other so it's gonna be tough BUT the harder the fight, the better the make up ;P. So I hope you guys enjoyed the audiobook & the chapter!)