https://youtu.be/ssecjJtI4ew

(*Note: FEELS ALERT. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ENJOY EMOTIONAL ELIAS click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen M.) featuring music by Andrew Belle).

Elias

He hit me.

He fucking hit me.

And it's not like I didn't expect him to, I just didn't think I'd end up wishing he'd done worse.

I deserve worse than a sucker punch to the stomach and the half-assed glare he's throwing in my direction.

But this might be all he's got.

I brace myself and wait for him to follow through.

To pop the pressure outta his fist and hit me hard enough to take my attention off his girlfriend.

But he doesn't.

He doesn't move.

So I make him. I have to make him. 'Cause at least if he's hitting me, it'll take my mind off her for a little while.

"Nice shot, Kai. Hope you brought your camera 'cause this is about as Kodak as it gets."

Kai grabs me by the back of the neck and shoves his fist inches away from my face. I flash him a shit-eating grin, and he breathes all the air out of his nostrils just to keep from losing it.

"The only thing I want to hear coming out of your mouth right now is an explanation. You've got thirty seconds to tell me why the hell my girlfriend just walked out of your room."

I should tell him the truth. I should give him a play-by-play of everything we did and didn't do last night. But I just keep on smiling instead.

"It's long story. We should probably talk about it when I have some clothes on, don't you think?"

Kai locks his eyes on me one last time, and I watch all that artsy composure shatter to pieces. He snaps. His elbow darts back and his knuckles crash into the side of my face hard and fast.

My mouth tastes like pennies. Blood washes over my tongue to the point where I almost spit out my secrets.

But I swallow them quick.

I have to.

'Cause I can't bring myself to tell Kai what I did with his girlfriend last night.

The thing is, I thought I could control myself.

I thought that I could take her home, drop her off in her room, and ignore the way she was begging me not to leave her alone. But I couldn't.

She pulled me into my room. She pushed me onto bed. Then, she kissed me for hours.

And, I let her.

And she---

She pulled my hands under her dress and pressed my fingers against the softest parts of her till she came apart in my hands.

And, I let it happen.

I let her cheat on her fucking boyfriend.

And I didn't even think twice about it, because I wanted her to.

I wanted her so badly it took everything I had not to let things spiral completely out of control.

And I keep acting like that's a good thing. Like I'm some kind of saint for not having sex with her. But I might as well have. The guilt doesn't feel any different.

Selfishness is selfishness.

And I lost myself to it last night. I didn't care what she did or who she screwed over as long as I had her back.

But now I don't have anything.

I'm losing her again. She's standing there, staring at me from across the hallway, watching her relationship cave in because of me.

"Both of you, stop!"

Jersey shouts at the two of us while tears catch the light in the corners of her eyes. Her gaze shifts from me to Kai, and the second she looks my way, I cave.

Hurt and confusion spill down her cheeks and suddenly it all clicks.

I know that face.

That look.

That unspoken sadness.

She's staring at me the way my mom does sometimes--

--like she's seeing my Dad's shadow.

Back in high school, I never got my head around out why mom would look at me like she was afraid of what she saw.

Like the fact that I looked like him meant I was capable of saying and doing things to hurt her like he would.

She starting doing it a little while before she fully figured out he was cheating.

She'd wait for him at the dinner table, black stains on her cheeks from worrying herself sick about where he was and when he'd come home.

I'd sneak in the back door after seeing Lacey right before dad would come home, and Mom would turn around, and accidentally displace all her silent heartache on me.

I couldn't eat anytime she'd look at me like that. Me and Tanner would sit and watch her fall to pieces while our food went cold.

Dad would finally show up two hours late for his family, undo his already crooked tie, saunter across the living room, and kiss her like he hadn't just had his tongue down somebody else's throat.

And for a little while, I thought it meant he loved her. That things were okay.

Cause I couldn't believe a man would kiss his wife that way if he was fucking someone else.

But he did, night after night, and my mom would smile for the rest of the evening and put me and Tanner to bed like we were one of those happy TV families.

I'd go to sleep wondering when I'd be smooth enough to kiss Lacey like that and hope I could grow up enough to be just like my dad.

And now I am.

'Cause I just screwed over the only woman I care about and threw it in her boyfriend's face.

I stare up at him from the floor, hoping he'll follow up on his first punch, but Jersey steps between the two of us before he can finish things.

She reaches up and places her hands on the side of his face until he gives in to her.

She switches modes so easily. She acts like she's in love with me for a minute and then loses her spark the next. Kisses me and then tells him something else. Runs outta my arms and straight back into his.

I can't do this.

I can't watch this.

'Cause even though I knew she'd go back, I didn't expect her to act like I'm not even here.

I'm right here.

I suck in a sharp breath while she rips a hole through my gut and leaves me bleeding on the floor.

I wanna to stop staring at her, but I can't. I should leave. I should get up off the ground and walk the fuck away. But I'm too caught up in the way Jersey's looking at Kai to move.

Her face--

Her face is so different.

Like all the anger I see whenever she looks at me is gone.

She runs her thumbs along the side of his face, and he presses his forehead against hers till they're practically glued together. My eyes drop to her lips while she whispers something to him she thinks I can't hear.

But I do.

I make out every single word.

And they knock the wind outta me.

"It's you and me, okay? It'll only ever be you and me."

Kai nods and then leans in and kisses the same lips I was just kissing. The lips that poisoned me into actually thinking I could have them back.

But I guess I was wrong.

I guess I was wrong about everything.

My muscles spark back to life, and I push myself off the ground before I sink into it. Jersey breaks away from Kai when she hears me move and stares at me for longer than I can take. For a split second, she almost looks sorry. But I break away from her gaze before I start reading between the lines. It won't make a fucking difference in things anyway.

I swish the leftover blood around in my mouth, spit on the floor, and walk back into my room before either of them can do anything to stop me.

I shut the door, lean against the frame, and wait for Jersey to break the silence.

I suck in the stale air through my teeth and hold my breath hoping she'll say something.

Anything.

But she doesn't.

The only sound out in that hallway is the rattle and click of her door shutting as Kai follows her inside.

I try to breathe.

I try to drown out the jackhammer pounding inside my head and the pressure building in my chest, but I can't hold back anymore.

I stare out at my bed. At my messed up sheets that still smell like her. At the lipstick stains that remind me of her. At the blurry memory of the night I had with her.

And I explode.

I bolt for the bed and tear off my blankets and sheets till the whole mattress is bare. I grip the corners and flip the whole fucking thing upside down, but it's not enough. I want everything in pieces. I bolt towards the closet and slam the door open so hard it careens off the cheap metal track.

It hits the frame and screeches to a stop, but I'm still moving. I rip my clothes off every single hanger Tanner took the time to organize and throw my shirts and pants across the room. I ruin everything I can get my hands on because that's what I do. I live in chaos and right now, it's living in me.

So I let it take control.

I stumble out of the closet and gun for my desk. I still see her sitting there, pretending to study so Roxy wouldn't get on her case about being in my room, and I lose my mind.

My hands find their way onto the back of the wooden chair Jersey sat in, and I grip the wood till my fingers pale.

I lift it off the ground, and smash it was into the carpet.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

It breaks.

And I do too.

I sink down to the floor, open my mouth, and scream. I scream until my voice splinters as badly as the pieces of wood I'm sitting in.

I want her to hear this. To see this. To know that this is what she does to me every time she leaves.

Every time she goes back to him.

My blood's burning. Leaving scorch marks under my skin while all my selfish expectations go up in smoke.

I wanna forget everything about this morning.

Like the fact that for a split second she let me in, she let me lead, she tore down every damn wall she's spent a year building and let herself go.

But that second isn't worth shit compared to what Kai has. He has her time, her trust, her every days. He doesn't spend every minute wondering when she's gonna disappear.

I get to stand on the sidelines and wait for the day she finally decides to walk away.

But I guess that's what I get.

I listened to Tanner and Caleigh and let them screw over the only good thing in my life, and this is what I get for it.

This is who we are after everything.

Still broken.

Still angry.

The only difference is the distance.

'Cause even though we're only a hallway apart, she might as well be three thousand miles away.

***

(Thanks for reading and being so patient guys! Part 2 will be up on Saturday! Who listened to the audiobook? Comment if you did so me and kaelking12 can say thank you!)