https://youtu.be/STnYAZuWO0g

*NOTE: Click the Youtube link above to check out the Audiobook version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen M.)! Featuring music by Peace, All The Luck In The World, Andrew Belle, and The Foo Fighters.

Elias

Jersey's in pieces by the time I finish. She's got her hands over her eyes like it'll keep me from seeing her fall apart.

But I see everything.

The unsteady rise and fall of her chest. Her broken breathing. The tears slipping through her fingers.

I should say something.

Anything.

But all the things I could and should say suffocate in the silence before I can speak.

I wanna tell her everything. Every gritty detail about what happened during those 365 days I spent without her.

But not when she's like this.

I don't wanna be the guy who hides his intentions behind somebody else's buzz.

Dan taught me better than that.

And I'm gonna be better than that.

I'll talk to Jersey when she'll remember everything.

When she's ready to hear everything.

But she clearly isn't.

So I close my mouth and swallow a conversation we're not ready to have.

Not yet.

Maybe not anytime soon.

"Can I ask you to do something for me, Jersey?"

She wipes the mascara stains away from her eyes and nods up towards me.

"Just forget that I read that, okay? It was stupid and now you're upset so...just--"

She reaches up, places her hand on my shoulder, and stares straight through me.

"Why would I want to forget that, Elias? It was like, so beautiful. And the way you read it was so intense that it felt like it was--"

She snorts a glob of snot back into her nose which immediately makes me realize why girls don't want anyone to see them cry. I don't mind her messy though. That's how she got my attention in the first place.

"--real."

"Yeah, well who knows. Maybe it is. Anyway, we should get going. Roxy's probably pissed that we're not at Social Night right now."

Jersey sits up and rolls her eyes as soon as I mention Roxy. This is another one of the thousands of reasons why I like this girl. We hate the same people.

"Screw Social Night. Roxy's a fake-nail-wearing, trash-talking, grade A bit---"

I reach over and cover her mouth before she can let out anymore surprise nicknames for our new favorite RA.

"Do you kiss your madre with that mouth, Jersey? Geeze. Easy on the obscene-ni-trees."

She furrows her eyebrows and play punches me in the arm. It kinda stings, but I play off the pain like a pro.

"It's obscenities, Elias. And what are you, my dad? I can talk dirty to you if I want."

Immediate turn on.

"I don't think that means what you think it means, Jersey."

"Sure it does! Cussing and talking dirty are the same thing, Elias! Hello?!"

Not at all, but like I said, she's cute as hell when she's wrong.

"Think about it this way, Cussing's what you do when you're pissed off, excited, or too stupid to use real words. At least that's why I do it. But talking dirty's different."

Jersey folds her arms across her chest and glares at me from under her long lashes.

"How so?"

"It's more sexy. Like what you do when you're super into someone and you wanna get them going or whatever. You know what I mean. I'm sure Kai does it for you all the time," I say.

Her cheeks flush pink, and her eyes flutter away from mine and off into the distance. I mean it's no secret that her and Kai have...you know. But if he's gonna invade her like that, he better make it worth her while. I know I tried to. I still would if she'd let me.

"Not, really," she whispers.

Wait, what?

"What do you mean 'not really'?"

"I don't know. He doesn't always--"

Jersey plays with the corners of her dress for a couple seconds before finding it in herself to look up at me again.

"--wait. You are gay, right?"

"Uh--"

"Like one-hundred percent gay?"

"The thing is--"

"I just have to know that I can like, trust you, trust you, okay? 'Cause this is like super personal stuff about me and Kai, and I don't want it to be weird for you 'since we kinda dated last summer so, I just wanna be sure."

Figure out a way to dodge the question before she figures out you're a lying piece of shit, E.

"No matter what I am, you can tell me anything, Jersey. What happened between you and me doesn't mean we can't talk. Straight or not, I'm here if you need me."

I smile at her, and I'm pretty sure I'm freaking her out, 'cause she's not smiling back. At all. She's staring at me like she's looking for something I'm not sure she'll find. So I fix my face. Quick.

Bro Code Lesson of the day: If you don't want a girl to know that you're into her, don't smile at her. Especially if you're high. It ends badly.

Right when I finally figure out how to look at her like a normal person, Jersey's eyes fill up with tears again.

Again?

"Shit, did I say something wrong? If I did, I'm sorry. Honest. I don't know what I keep doing to make you sad, but I don't mean to."

"I'm not sad, Elias. I'm happy. I'm happy you're so nice. I'm happy you're in love. And I'm happy you found Dan--"

It's not because of Dan. It's because I found you.

"--He's really changed you. You're like this beautiful ray of sunshine instead of the evil black hole you used to be, you know?"

"Evil black hole? Geeze, I wasn't that bad."

"Sure you were! You like totally hit and quit me, because you didn't care--"

"I did care about you. I still do."

She straightens up and extends her pinky towards me.

"Then pinky promise!"

"What?"

She wraps her little finger around mine and squeezes it tight.

"It's like a pact two people make with each other. Let's promise to always care about each other as friends!"

Friends? Fuck that.

"I'm not good with promises, Jersey."

"I know, but that was when you were my boyfriend, but now that we're friends, it'll be different, right?!"

There are people I can be friends with. People who matter, but not enough to make a huge difference in who I am. But Jersey's not one of those people. She's a game changer. My game changer. So the only thing I'm willing to promise her is that she'll never, ever, be just a friend to me. Real talk.

"Sure. Whatever you say."

"Yay! BFFs!"

Jersey pulls me into a sloppy hug, but it leaves me hollow.

She's running again. Hiding from everything she's pretending not to feel just so she can flash that cellophane smile at me and hope I'll believe it.

But I don't. Never have.

There's too much unresolved shit left between us for me to act like it isn't there.

But that's where we're different. She pretends problems don't exist, while I drown in them.

I'm sinking into her atmosphere all over again, and I'm too fucking far gone to stop myself.

If getting her back means playing games for a little while, I'll keep my mouth shut and play along like she wants me to.

Like I know she needs me to.

And as messed up as all this is, I'll be whatever it is she needs me to be if it means she'll stay.

"You know what, Elias? I am so happy we had this conversation. Because like, even though I kind of spent most of last year hating you, I think one of the reasons I was so mad was because I--"

Please say it. Say anything as long as it's true.

"--really missed you--"

You don't even understand.

"--so I'm glad we can be best friends now!"

"Yeah...me too. Anyway, what was it you wanted to tell me about Kai? Maybe I can help."

Even though I don't fucking want to help him. I will as long as it's for her.

"Well, sometimes when we're like...doing it, he kind of acts like an oyster."

"An oyster?"

"Yeah, you know like, he's stuck in his shell. Caught up in his own head or something. And whenever he's like that, it's like he forgets about me."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. It's just different. Like remember when you were straight? You always took care of me first--"

Always.

"--but he forgets. Sometimes we'll just like do it right away and when it's over he doesn't look at me like you used to. He looks at me like--"

She stares down at her hands again, but I tap the bottom of her chin to bring her back to me.

"--Like he's not sure about me. And it's not all the time, all the time. Most of the time he's really super duper great, but sometimes I feel like he's thinking things..."

Jersey stares up at the lamp post above us, and I'm not sure if she's trying to work through her thoughts or spacing out. Whatever. I'm enjoying the view.

"Like what?"

"Things about me that he doesn't wanna say. Like I'm not giving him enough. Like I'm not enough."

I pop the pressure outta my knuckles as her words settle in. It'd be one thing if I lost her to a guy who actually treats her like she's everything. But Kai's chipping away at the best parts of her.

Making her feel small the same way he used to. He's always been subtle about it. Showing up in a Benz on a first date. Bringing her to the spot where him and his ex met. Pushing the whole Princeton lie. Granted half of that was my fault but still.

At least I never pretended to be better than I actually was. I acted like an asshole last year because I was one. But Mr. Perfect hid his problems so well that now he's stuck trying to live up to being someone he isn't.

'Cause perfection isn't real.

And when it comes to Jersey, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a screw up instead of pretending to be a saint. But Kai's making mistakes with her and doesn't even notice the damage.

He doesn't pay attention.

But I do.

"You are enough, Jersey. If he's making you feel like that, than he's the problem, not you."

"How is he the problem, Elias? He saved me. He's spent a year trying to make me happy, even though I'm basically a lost cause."

"No, you're not. Why would you even say something like that?"

Lacey used to talk that way. And once she started, she never stopped.

"Because it's true. Honestly, I should be grateful to him because he's put up with a girlfriend who even can't give him anything--"

She tangles her fingers in the the leather strap on her purse till her skin turns blue.

"--and can't tell him everything."

I look her dead in the eye, hoping to God that she'll let me in on some part of her secrets, but she stares off into the dark instead.

"So tell me. I can be a pretty good listener when I wanna be."

"That's nice of you, Elias, but--"

"C'mon, I'm all ears. Seriously, no matter what it is, I won't judge you. Promise," I say.

I hold my pinky out to her, but she pushes it aside. Faded black tears slide down the curves of her cheeks, but she wipes them away before I can.

"No."

"No? Why not? We're 'friends', remember?"

She sits up straighter then straight, and her whole face hardens.

"Because I can't, Elias."

"Can't or won't?"

Jersey's eyes narrow into thin lines and cut over to mine.

"Just forget it, okay? We're late to Social Night anyway, so let's go before Roxy--"

Jersey's phone sounds off in her purse, and she darts for it just to dodge the conversation. Her eyes double in size the second she sees the caller ID pop up on the screen.

"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit."

"What's wrong? It's not Roxy, is it?" I ask, but she doesn't answer.

Her face goes white on the third ring and that same deer in the headlights look she had back when Roxy was giving her hell in the dorm washes over her face.

"Look, if you don't wanna talk to her, you don't have to, Jersey. She's just an RA."

She taps her screen and ignores the phone call. Atta' girl.

"Can we just go?" She says.

Her voice is unsteady and rushed, but I act like I don't notice.

"Yeah, sure. I thought that's what we were doing but then your phone--"

Her screen lights up again, but before she can freak herself out about whether or not to answer it, I reach over and make the decision for her.

I accept the call without even checking the ID. There's only one girl who makes Jersey react like that, and I'm dead set on shutting her down before she does anymore damage than she already has.

Call Answered :

AS/EK: I'm only gonna say this once, so I hope you're listening. Let's get one thing straight, Alex is with me tonight. She's not your pet. She's not your puppet. So drop whatever it is you expect outta her, and let her breathe for a little bit. The way I see it is, if she wanted to be around you right now, she would be. But she's got me, and I'm pretty sure that's all she needs right now. So take the hint, and don't call this number again. Got it?

???: Is this Elias?

AS/EK: Yeah, why? who's asking?

???: Kai.

Call ended.

Oh.

Shit.

(Thanks so much for reading guys! So who's Team Elias vs. Team Kai! Hashtag #TeamElias or #TeamKai in the comments! Next update should be over the weekend! Who's listening to the audiobook? Comment if you are :)! Hope you enjoyed it!)