*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by aka Kristen Maglonzo featuring music by Tegan and Sara.

Alex

Wanna know what the world would look like on the eve of the apocalypse?

Just walk into Ackerman bookstore on the first day of school.

Granted, there are no zombies or War of the Worlds Alien Machines blasting holes through the ceiling, but there are loads of empty boxes, scattered papers, and panicked students scrambling every which direction trying to buy the books they need to survive the semester.

And, yes, I know this sounds like another one of my crazy-over-exaggerated-analogies, but I'm dead serious. I even Instagrammed myself in the middle of the mob a minute ago just to prove to the universe that back to school insanity is real.

This place is madness.

Not only is the line out the door like two hundred people long, but I just so happen to be the last person in it.

That's right.

Number 200 out of 200.

So essentially, I'm never going to get out of here.

And if, and I mean if, I ever do, Indigo will probably look like the female version of Rip-Van-Winkle by the time I find her.

Fact.

I lean out of line for the twenty-seventh time to see if the blue and gold wearing staff guy at the entrance has actually allowed any more people in or if he's still flirting with the same group of sorority girls he was twenty minutes ago.

Yep.

Still flirting.

This line isn't going anywhere.

The whole store's totally got enough room to fit all 200 of us, but until creepy McCreeperson gets some sorority digits, none of us are getting in.

Great.

There goes my lunch plans.

Indigo's probably gonna be pissed.

What kind of roommate acts like a total flake on the first day?

Me, apparently.

Not only that, but if I stay here any longer classes will end, billions of people will be walking around campus, I won't be able to track down Elias, and I'll miss out on my later day date with--

--wait.

Was I supposed to organize dinner plans or was he?

Crap, I think today was my day.

Okay, Alex don't panic.

This is what Yelp is for.

Just type in Mexican food, find someplace that has half decent pictures and survivable ratings and call Kai with a time and place like a pro.

You've got this.

Yelp dot com here I--

Incoming call from "Boyfriend" (mobile) :

AS: H-hey, babe. What's up? Don't you have class right now?

KR: We finished early, but I'm pretty sure my photo studio professor's just trying to get in good with our class on the first day 'cause he's gonna work us like slaves all year. Anyway, where are you right now?

Oh, nowhere special. Just waiting in the back of a billion person line, so I can buy my newly gay ex-boyfriend's book and cry over it later, that's all.

AS: The bookstore. Just grabbing a few things for class.

KR: Which one? I can come by and help carry your books back if you want.

As wonderfully chivalrous as that sounds, I have to say no, and I hate saying no to him, but I have my reasons. Like a hundred and fifty reasons, but Professor Yak-Boots says brevity is important so see below for my top three.

Reason #1: I only have one book, and I'm pretty sure I can handle carrying it by myself.

Reason #2: Kai will freak out if he finds out what that one book is, and who it's by.

Reason #3: If he hears the name Elias come out of my mouth in any sort of context, he'll flip.

Why?

Because I haven't exactly told him I ran into Elias yet. Not that I'm keeping it a secret or anything because now that he's gay, it doesn't matter.

Wait.

T-that came out wrong.

I totally would have told Kai about seeing Elias even if I hadn't found out he was gay. Or if he wasn't gay at all.

But sexual orientation aside, Kai's not really Elias's biggest fan.

Remember that whole showdown they had back at Kai's apartment last year?

Yeah, well, he never really got over that.

Kai also never really got over Elias's ego or the way he treated me, so basically, things are better off if Kai doesn't hear about him.

At all.

You know what they say.

"What you don't know, won't hurt you."

Granted, I'm not too sure who "they" is, but whatever. Details.

Bottom line is this book isn't something Kai needs to know about.

Besides, it's not like I'm cheating on him or anything by not spilling the deets about "Letters to Jersey" or Elias.

Keeping little secrets to yourself never hurt anyone. It's only the big ones that you have to worry about.

AS: Babe, that's really sweet, but you don't have to do that, I'm almost done here anyway. Why don't we just--meet up at Covel for lunch instead? My treat?

KR:...

AS: Babe?

Call Ended

"Right behind you."

Kai's hand grazes across the skin of my shoulder so lightly that a thousand goosebumps break out across my skin. As suave as he is, I don't know how this man is able track me down without me even mentioning where I am. Granted, Ackerman bookstore is the most popular book shop at UCLA, but even so, Kai's James Bond stealthy appearances make me thankful that I'm his girlfriend and not his arch nemesis. Fact.

"Hey, you, how in the world did--"

Kai kisses my question quiet and hangs on my lips for a couple seconds before giving me an answer.

"Magic," he says.

I loop my arms around his neck and lean into his grey-henley t-shirt. His whole body's warm, buzzing, and breathless from walking around in the afternoon sun. I could spend the whole day like this, losing myself in the way he holds me. But I pull away before I do. I'm a woman on a secret mission, and I can't get caught up in Kai if I wanna see it through.

"Stalker," I say.

Kai's low steady laugh radiates through my chest.

"You're the one who Instagrammed herself at the back of this line, darling. You're lucky I'm you're boyfriend and not some crazy person. The location tracking on those apps these days is mildly disturbing. Want me to disable it for you?"

"Yes, please."

And this ladies is why I like dating older guys. They're wise about these kinds of things. They're protective too, but not in the obscenely jealous way Elias used to be before he was gay. Guys like Kai make you feel safe--not smothered.

"So, what's this special book you're queuing in a two hundred person line to buy? The newest Harper Lee novel?" He asks.

Kai lowers his head and looks at me like he genuinely believes I'd never lie to him. But my mind's reeling with altered versions of the truth. He can't know why I'm here. At least, not right now. There's a time and a place for everything, but this little piece of "everything" is better left unsaid.

"Just something for my seminar. I don't even remember what it's called."

"Do you have the ISBN number? I can look it up for you on Kindle and save you an hour long wait."

Kai lifts up his phone and points at the screen. The first photo he took of us together on Christmas lights up in the background. My stomach twinges a little when I see it, which is weird because my stomach almost never twinges unless I'm nervous, and I shouldn't be nervous around Kai.

I should be fine.

But that's the thing about lying.

Your body never really learns how to hide the fact that you're doing it.

There's always a give away. Some quiet consequence that eats away at your conscious, and mine's a couple seconds short of turning into Swiss Cheese.

"I don't remember. I wrote it down somewhere on the way over, and I don't know where I--"

Kai takes my hand and holds it up in front of my eyes until a faint line of scribbled numbers written across it blurs into focus.

Crap on a cheesecake! Why can't I write reminders in subtle places?

Like in notebooks or journals, or somewhere Kai won't see them!?

"Is this it?" He asks.

"Yeah, wow, I totally forgot I wrote that there--"

Yes, moron, you did.

"--Thanks, Kai."

I peck him on the lips and do my best to smile like I'm not having a minor anxiety attack. Luckily, Kai the technical genius is too busy looking up my secrets on Amazon to notice.

"Got it! Letters to Jersey by--babe, is this--some kind of joke?"

Ever had one of those moments where you wish your life played out like a disaster movie?

'Cause right now I'd love for the ground to crack open and swallow me whole rather than have to stand here and explain my ex-gay boyfriend's novel to Kai.

Or the fact that I'm taking his class and just so happen to live directly across the hall from him.

At least in the movies, right before the main character's about to reveal her deepest, darkest secret, some tidal wave comes along and sweeps her away before she can tell the truth.

But it's always sunny in California, so there's no place to hide your shadows, no matter how dark they are.

"Okay, I know this is gonna sound weird, but there's a perfectly logical--"

That's a stretch.

"--explanation for this. Please don't be mad."

I don't know what it is about guilt that makes you wanna drop to the floor and beg the person you've hurt to not be upset with you, but the hollowness in Kai's eyes has me verging on the edge of groveling for forgiveness.

But at the same time, buying a book for class isn't a crime. It just so happened to be a book written by a person Kai's not comfortable with.

Which is why keeping it a secret would've been way better than this.

Anything would've been better than this.

"I'm not mad, Alex--"

Liar.

"--I'm just confused. Is this the same Elias King who--"

"Yes. But it doesn't matter anymore."

Kai runs an unsteady hand through his mess of copper hair and lets out a hiss of a sigh through his perfect teeth.

"How does it not matter? I thought you were finished with him, Alex."

I step towards him and wrap my arms around his waist to reassure him of all the things I'm too flustered to say.

"I am! This is for class! Honest. Remember that seminar I signed up for? The one with the in-depth study of contemporary authors?"

He nods but refuses to look at me. I reach up to cradle the sides of his face, but his jaw's stiffer than stone in my hands.

"Elias is the writer in residence this year and my professor--"

"He's here?"

Kai's eyes flicker down to mine and explode with the kind of silent frustration I never intended to bring to life in him. This.

This is the kind of moment which makes me question everything.

Whether or not I deserve to be with him.

Whether or not I deserve to be with anyone.

Some people are too damaged for relationships.

Toxic to the point where they can't contain it, so eventually their brokenness spills onto other people.

The kinds of people who don't love poisonously, until the wrong person shows them how.

(Thanks for reading guys! Trouble ahead for Alex & Kai! Keep an eye for Part 2 on Saturday/Sunday! How'd you guys like the Audiobook for this chapter?)