*NOTE: For a good laugh or two, click on the Youtube video above ^ and check out the Audiobook version of this chapter voiced by (Kristen Maglonzo)! Featuring music by Mutemath, Lit, OK Go, Neon Trees, and Jimmy Eat World.

Elias

Dear God,

I know I've been kind of an asshole lately and I--

--Shit. Wait. I take that back. Not the apology part, but the asshole part.

My mom always says prayers don't count if I'm cussing, so I'm gonna start over real quick.

Sorry.

Here goes.

Dear God,

I know I haven't exactly been the best guy in the world lately, and that you probably burnt my balls for a reason.

I mean, hey, the Egyptians got hella plagues and shit, so this isn't even really that bad. Fuck, sorry. I'm still working on the whole cursing thing.

Anyway, I screwed up. Again. But you probably already know that. You know me better than I know me, so I'm sure the whole lying to Jersey thing isn't much of a surprise at this point.

The thing is, I promised I wouldn't.

I promised that I wouldn't do anything to hurt her this time around.

But I did.

I saw it in her eyes.

I heard it in her silence.

I fucked up.

And, I don't know if I can fix things this time.

I don't know how to fix things this time.

Aside from talking to you.

I need your help, Big Guy.

I need a miracle.

'Cause I don't wanna lose this girl.

Not again.

Not after everything I did to get here.

She's the reason I'm here.

She's the reason I'm trying to turn my bullshit excuse for a life around.

But she can't see that.

She sees the asshole I used to be, and given the way I talked to her earlier, I can't exactly blame her for that.

I just want her to know that I'm sorry.

I just need the chance to say it.

And if you don't wanna give me one, I get it.

I feel like I've been knocked out for way longer than normal, so if I'm dead right now or stuck in a coma or something then just forget the whole second chances thing.

But if I do wake up.

I'm gonna go running straight to her door to apologize.

I never thought I'd say this but...maybe I should be more like Tanner.

I mean, if me and Jersey were together-together, I'd try apologizing to her the way he does to Caleigh.

Sorry.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

But if I'm gonna chase her down, I kinda need my balls to go back to normal.

Please.

I'll do anything. I'll drop everything right now and sign up to be a priest if you want...

Wait. No.

I take that back.

I don't think I can do the priest thing. But honestly, I'll take any other punishment but losing my balls--'cause I'm pretty sure things can't get any worse than--

"Mr. King? Mr. King? Can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me?"

That voice.

I know that voice.

Fake.

Fairy-like.

What.

The.

Fuck.

"Mr. King? Can you hear me? Mr. King?"

"Yes, I can hear you! Relax with the questions, I'm fine!"

At least, I was fine until suck-face Stacey popped straight out of my nightmares and into my room.

This.

Shouldn't be happening.

She shouldn't be happening.

She shouldn't even fucking be here.

How the hell did she even find out that I--

Fucking Daily Bruin.

Twenty bucks says my freak out at Northern Lights Cafe is already online and knowing Stacey, she's probably got the article stuffed somewhere in her nurse purse.

"Glad to have you back, Mr. King. Do remember me?" She asks.

Of course I do.

I never forget the crazies.

Especially ones like her.

I shoot up and reach down to cover myself before she sees more of me than I want her to, but it's way too late.

Sometime between me passing out and her popping out of nowhere, she put me in a paper dress.

Which means....

...she's probably already seen everything.

I open and close my eyes about fifty times and beg The Big Guy to make her disappear between blinks, but she doesn't.

Little Miss Molestation's back in action and staring at me with that unforgettably creepy smile spreading across her lips.

Not gonna lie, I kinda wanna vomit over the fact that I half-remember exactly what they taste like.

She's wearing the same clown red lipstick she had on when she--

--when we--

--when I--

Oh God.

"Yeah, it's S-Stacey right?"

Her whole face lights up like she's got fireworks flashing behind her eyes. She reaches for my hand and holds it tightly enough to cut off my circulation.

"Long time no see, handsome! How are you feeling?"

The same way I did last time you showed your face.

"Not great. Where's Dr. Garrett and why are you here?"

She motions back towards the door and my eyes wash over the empty seat where Alex used to be.

I try telling myself that I'm not the reason why she's gone. That what I said wasn't bad enough to make her leave.

But it's all bullshit.

I've gotta get her back.

But I can't do that as long as I'm stuck in a room with Stalker Stacey.

"Well, all the nurses at the hospital were raving about a little celebrity arrival here at Arthur Ashe and when I heard it was you, I switched shifts just to come say hello! But professionally speaking, Dr. Garrett needed someone to take over after his wife went into labor, so I volunteered to step in!"

Sure, if volunteering is a cinnamon for stalking.

Wait. That's wrong.

Cinnamo-

Sin-a-

Synon--

Fuck, where's Jersey when I need her?

"Okay, but shouldn't a doctor be here, though?"

Or maybe a witness.

"No sir-ee. It's just you and me. But don't you worry, I'm more than capable of taking care of your needs."

What the hell does that mean?

"Sure, but I kinda want someone else in the room right now," I say.

Stacey reaches into her pocket, pulls out a pair of purple latex gloves, and snaps them onto her hands despite me.

"Oh, that won't be necessary, Mr. King. Dr. Garrett gave me very specific instructions to take extra good care of you. Now, if you don't mind sitting up for me, we can get started."

I'm not "starting" anything with her.

She's the reason I stopped trusting nurses in the first place.

I mean, sure, I was cracked out on morphine at the time and our whole accidental make-out may or may not have been my fault.

But still.

It's not like she didn't recipro-recripto-reciprocate. Whatever.

She wanted me then, and I'm pretty sure she wants me now. But I'll jump out of the damn window before I let her touch me again. Real talk.

"Look, Stacey, I get that you wanna help me and everything, but I gotta go so, just tell Dr. G that I'll come back for another appointment whenever he's free, cool?"

Stacey places one of her Pilsbury dough hands on my shoulder, and her cheeks turn so rosy she could probably give Santa's favorite reindeer a run for his money.

"Eli--"

"Please, don't call me that."

"Sorry, Mr. King, I promise I'll do my absolute best to treat you as professionally as Dr. Garrett would if he were here. But you have to let me, okay?"

Nope.

"I'm fine, Stacey. Just get me an ice pack, and I'll be good."

"Slow down, silly, icing is the last step! We've got a little bit of maintenance to do first."

"What kind of 'maintenance'?" I ask.

She trots over to the counter, grabs a handful of gauze and a tray full of sharp metal things, and my heart just about stops.

"I just have to clean and dress the area, and apply some antibiotic ointment to make sure you heal properly! Dr. Garrett told me all about your girlfriend's little incident--"

"She's not my girlfriend. Not anymore, anyway."

Stacey's sugar plum smile plummets straight off her face, but I can't tell if she's faking it or if she genuinely feels bad for me.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. What happened?"

What didn't happen?

I ruined my relationship.

I wrote a book to try to fix it.

And now Jersey would rather use the pages as toilet paper than read them.

The end.

"I was an asshole," I say.

"Care to elaborate?"

I open my mouth and almost make the mistake of giving her an honest answer, but the words get caught in my throat. I need to talk to somebody about all the shit that's happened this morning, but there's nobody around for me to talk to.

Tanner doesn't know about my not-so-coincidental living situation, so calling him's a definite no.

Caleigh would freak the fuck out.

And my Mom.

Yeah well, let's just say she's not above flying down to LA to go batshit on me with a wooden spoon.
I should call Dan.

But that's not exactly possible in the middle of a ball exam.

"It's complicated, Stacey. Bottom line is, she's kinda really pissed at me so, unless I find a way to fix us, we're done."

"I certainly hope you do, Mr. King. But if things don't work out, I'm sure you'll find someone new in no time."

I don't want someone new. I want Jersey.

"Or, I could die alone. That works too."

Stacey sits down at the opposite end of the patient table and shoots me her first non-creepy smile of the day.

"I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you've grown up quite a bit, Mr. King."

Okay...

"Not really."

"No, no. You have. I remember the last time I saw you, you were a lot meaner. When Dr. Murray came back from his session with you, he kept complaining that you were the most obnoxious patient he'd ever seen. But now, you're different."

I'm lonely.

"Better looking, right?" I say.

She nods and smiles, but the spark behind it fades out all too quick.

"Well, yes, but it looks like the love bug might've bitten you, Mr. King."

Yeah, well the love bug's an asshole. It didn't just bite me, it split my bones into pieces, chewed the fuck outta my patience, and spat me out like a piece of old gum.

"You got any medicine for that? 'Cause it's been a year and I'm still--"

Crazy about her.

"Still what, Mr. King?"

"Nothing. Let's just get this ball cream over with. I got somewhere to be."

Stacey wraps her hands around my ankles and slides them up on the table a little higher than I'm comfortable with. I fight the impulse to jump off the cushion and go running out into the hallway just to keep her from touching me, but that doesn't stop my pulse from kicking the shit outta my chest.

"Okay, young man, this may sting a little at first, but give it a couple seconds to start working, and you won't feel a thing."

What does she mean "won't feel a thing"?

I wanna feel things. The idea of walking around with numb nuts is the absolute worst solution to my current problem.

Does the pain I'm in right now suck? Heck yeah, but I'd rather suffer through a little throbbing than deal with this.

"Wait a second. You said you were putting on that antibiographic stuff, right? Is numbness, like, a side effect of it or something?"

Stacey twists the cap off of some huge white bottle with words written on it in what might as well be another language. Like, honestly, what the hell is "benzocaine"?

Sounds like an alien planet or something. Medical stuff's weird. Glad I'm not smart enough to be a doctor. I'd have headaches all the fucking time reading words this big all day long.

"Well, first I'm going to apply some numbing medicine before I remove the dead skin--"

"You're gonna do what?!"

Stacey peeps her head out from around my hospital gown and shoots me the kind of smile that should calm me down, but it doesn't.

"I'm just doing what I have to to keep things from getting infected. Now close your eyes, take a deep breath, and try to relax."

Relax? If I was all up in her junk with a handful of mystery creams, a tray of knives, and a vague plan of action she'd be losing her shit too.

I lean back against the table, shut my eyes, and do my best to chill out before I freak out. I try thinking about rainbows, and butterflies, and all that zen bullshit that's supposed to calm people down, but nothing's working. Nothing ever works except--

"You okay, Mr. King?"

No, Stacey, things are not okay. You're about the slather my balls in stingy stuff that might end up numbing them forever. I want kids, man. I wanna start a whole King clan one day, and I wanna enjoy the process of making 'em. But how am I supposed to do that if my balls have no feeling?!

"Not really. Can we stop? I kinda have anxiety problems so this situation isn't really good for me."

I don't mean to sound like a total pussy, but any guy in my position would be more than nervous if their future Kings were on the line.

"I know something that'll help," She says.

Awesome.

"Pills?"

Stacey shakes her head at the suggestion. It was worth a shot.

"Nope. Something better."

I wait for her to bust out a gas mask or a needle full of the good stuff that puts people to sleep. But none of that happens.

Razor sharp pain shoots straight through my foot but Stacey holds me down before I can pull away from her.

"What the hell was that?!"

She pops her head out from behind my gown and shoots me a slap-happy thumbs up.

"All done!" She says.

"Doing what? Stabbing me?"

Stacey lets out a giggle that's way too dainty for someone who just shanked her patient.

"No, silly, putting on the medicine. I bet you didn't even feel the sting."

Woah. She's right. How did she put it on my boys without me---Nice. I wonder if I can get a bottle on Amazon. Jersey would be like, super into this--if she ever forgives me. And if (and that's a big if) we ever have sex again I could last way longer.

Like all-night longer.

I gotta get this on Prime. 'Cause the sooner I do, the sooner I can rock her world. #Todolist

(Thanks for reading! Hope you guys had fun with the audiobook? Did you like Stacey's surprise reappearance :P? Next update on Sunday (and I mean it this time, my computer was wigging out yesterday so the update failed :/ Sorry about the delay!)