Every now and
then, there is a
subtle reminder
that I am not
always okay and
that I miss him
still, like it's
been night-time
for eternity.

I love him.

and as I stare
out another car
window, I think
about how badly
I need him
to stop these tears
because no one
else does it
better.

and I stare at
the tear that
dropped a few
minutes ago,
that I am just
now noticing.

It's mine, not his
I remind myself.

it stays still,
even though the
car I'm in is
moving forward,
and it is clear
and small, and
fragile, like I
was to him or
like my nose
he used to tell me.
or things I
can't relate it to
at this moment
because in wrapped
up in all these
thoughts and
feelings, but I'm
not overwhelmed
at all,
just sad.

I'm sad without
what made me
smile ear-to-ear,
what made me
hurt when I was
bleeding,
what made me
wish upon a star,
what made me,
unafraid to stand
what made me,
get up early on
a Sunday,
what made me
kiss the dirt
instead of kick it
when I fell,
what made me
touch the sky
from way down here,
what made me
spell things wrong
and get along
with idiots, but
kept my brain
in my head,
he made me
fall in love,
something I
never had,
or, didn't notice,
and now I'm
just the boy
with scars, I'm
back far
away from where
I wanted to end up,
I'm sad.

I'm sad without
my golden boy.