Past.

37| "Burning confessions."

T

AEHYUNG'S POV

If my eyes could separate the flesh from bodies, Ji-hoon would be a bloody mess on the fucking ground. And I would have enjoyed watching him suffer with my hands full of popcorn. No jokes about that. The inevitable jiffy of rage was pulsating in my veins, coiling around my bones and exploding lethal ideas in my head. I was this close, grabbing Ji-hoon by the collar and slamming his head on the locker until he became one of them. It was so hard to keep the violence at bay.

Because right now Nina was coming toward me, not really. She was reaching her locker and as usual, the serpent Ji-hoon was walking beside her. And like usual she looked so adorably delectable with the red hoodie, fishnet stockings underneath that short skirt, and the black ribbon tied around her ponytail. And when she bat her lashes like a little tease, she looked so fucking biteable— huh? What? Biting is an acceptable form of sappy appreciation. Feel free to judge me. 

"I realize some humans are a complete waste on this earth, I should annihilate them." I clenched my fist, tossing a short glance at grinning Ji-hoon. Jungkook grunted out a low laugh of dry amusement.

The asphyxiating feeling I had ever since Nina left me standing in the hallway turned from bad to fucking fatal. Still, I couldn't get over how she burst into tears, how she regretted saving me that day. It should have pleased the sadistic side of me, I was her custom-made hell after all. However, this time it hurt as if someone had slashed a part of me, ripped it into pieces, and stomped all over the remains. Not wanting to do anything from her was always a white lie. Wanting to hurt was a lie too. If I wasn't such a self-loathed, selfish bastard I wouldn't drag her into the pit of this misery. The guilt had manifested into something bigger and sharper, digging in my veins when I simply dared to breathe.

"Such brutal thoughts. You should try to keep a positive attitude even though it's hard as hell." Says the one who couldn't handle the breakup and drowned himself in alcohol, appearing perfectly wasted with a hint of devilishness.

"I don't think I'm capable of producing positive energy when I wanna squeeze someone's unnecessary existence under my boots." Jungkook chuckled at my hissing response as he shortly glanced at Ji-hoon and Nina.

We saw it all, how Ji-hoon purposely moved closer to her so his shoulder could touch hers, how he leaned extra closer to her ear. My Nina's ear. There was no way I would avoid their sheepish interaction. Impossible. I didn't avoid anything when it came to her. Seeing her close to Ji-hoon crippled my inside, lurched my stomach with hostile energy.

Watching her playing basketball or sliding in his car after school or just simply witnessing her laughing at his antics as if he was the funniest asshole walking in this world boiled my blood to the point where it could burst out of the seams and spill all over the floor… It was unsettling how poorly I envied that bastard— He could hear the sound of her laughter, that sweet and honeyed sound that belonged to me.

"How's your mom doing now? She was pretty sick back then." Nina's eyes clashed with mine then swiftly looked back at that loser. I was leaning against the lockers, ones that were close to hers so I could scrutinize them closely like a creep that I was for her. Jungkook said something about the basketball game and the team meeting on the court but his voice came across as distant in my senses because my whole focus was punctured on them.

"She is much better now." The loser grinned and I rolled my eyes at his attempts to be cute and failing miserably. "She was happy when you visited her, she said you look so much like her future daughter-in-law." I saw Nina rolling her eyes, her lips set in a firm line, not agreeing with whatever bullshit he had spouted.

"Will you stop, Ji-hoon?" She clinked her nails together.

"I was just kidding, Nina. I hate how you don't understand me." Ji-hoon dared to put his arm around her shoulder, jutting his lower lip out.

"Sure, you were." Nina shook her head, subtly removing his arm from her shoulders.

Ji-hoon said something and she laughed. And when she did, her lips splayed, the impact tightened my chest and strained my knees. Her eyes carried laughter; there was a beat of hope and life and warmth. It was so hard not to want to inhale the air she breathed. It was hard not to wish to possess the thing beating under her chest for myself.

When Nina reached her locker she greeted Jungkook with a sweet 'good morning' completely eradicating my presence from the sight. She greeted Jungkook and Namjoon or other students but never spared a meaningless glance at me. Not a freaking tiny one. My black heart scorched and turned ashes and drifted in the air like toxic smoke. I felt personally infected and a lot insulted by the way she was avoiding me these days like a damn plague. 

Such as not paying me attention when I obsessively stare at her dancing in the gym, soaking in the moment when she twirls around me. Nina also changed her seat to another student so she didn't have to sit in front of me and floundered under my hawk-like eyes. Not opening her bedroom door when I knock every night like a monster who comes out from the dark. According to her, I was a monster straight out of her nightmare.

And when I cut my other palm to get her attention. My girl had just looked at my injured, bloody hand with a pained expression as if it was her skin that was deeply sliced open. The yearning and weakness that she had for me were evident all over her face.

What took me by surprise was how my sweet red had chosen not to reach me. Nina had just simply closed her eyes, shook her head and ran out of the kitchen, fighting the urge to fall into my intoxicating web, in my damn arms. Yes, we were both fucked at this point.

This time she was determined and made up her mind to get rid of me. Nina was uptight but despite that, I used to manage to break her walls, I used to draw her in and she used to easily lose herself to me. But this time she was firm on her decision to escape me. Silly girl, reassuring herself with deceitful hopes. If she ran, I would always chase her. Always. There was no path where she would not find me standing. 

However, I decided to give her some space and myself some time to ponder my actions, trying to calm down the tsunami of horrible nausea that was snaring me whenever I thought about my so-called father's ill intentions toward her. What if he stole her and hid her beyond my reach? The idea sickened me. There was no way I would let that bastard's dirty claws destroy her innocence. It didn't matter if I had to kill him to protect her. By all means, anything for my red.

I was so engrossed in my thought that I was late to notice that a group of girls came sauntering down in the hallway. Their laughter and the clicking of shoes tinted the air. Aria was walking in the middle with her stoic features, avoiding looking in my direction as one of her devil minions shoved Nina in her way. Before I knew anything, my body swiftly moved forward as I caught Nina by her waist before she could fall. The contact was irreversible and irreparable, and I did not want to take it back.

"Watch where you fucking going otherwise you won't appreciate the consequences. You won't like to be part of my hate list." I roared at the girls, jolting them in their places and not only them but every student witnessing the scene. With that, I declared to the whole King's high body that if anyone hurt Nina again or breathed something wrong about her, I would make their life miserable. After this, only a stupid would defy me.

"Pathetic. Find a life." Jungkook shoved his hand in his pockets and walked away, leaving the girls mortified as they all stomped out one by one.

Finally, I felt soft hands pushing me away, and without saying anything Nina opened her locker with ease as if she wasn't blushing under my burdening stare. She pulled out her books and the lousy Ji-hoon quickly took it from her hands, asking if she was fine or not.

I knew she wasn't because her heart was beating fiercely for me and she didn't like it.

+++

I gripped her charm bracelet under my palm and then rubbed my fingertips at the beads. I should have returned this to Nina but decided to steal this for myself. Every night I stared at the bracelet as if it was the source of my breaths. I toy with it between my fingers and imagine her silken skin shivering under my fingers while I trace every curve, every dip, and nook of her body, dipping my finger between her thighs and ripping through her heat. Sometimes it was not all about my desire or the physical intimacy. Sometimes, all I wanted was to feel her melting in my arms. I wanted to experience her heartbeats beneath my hands, her breaths moving under my throat. Sometimes, I just longed to make her sit so I could admire every little detail of her.

Something soft stroked against my arm as I glanced down, there was Hook. An orange, stray cat. He often comes in the back of the building and roams around as he was famous among the girls so they bless him with good treats. I slid Nina's bracelet around my wrist and pulled Hook into my arms.

"Hello buddy, how are you doing?" I stroked his fur and he purred in response, relaxing in my hold.

"Oh." My shoulders stilled as I turned back only to get my breath knocked out of my lungs.

Nina was standing behind at a short distance, her cheeks heated as she blinked repeatedly, a habit of hers when she became nervous. I looked at the cat and then again at her when she clapped her hand in front of her face to stop her blinking. She had probably followed the cat and accidentally reached me. See, no way wouldn't lead her to me.

"That's mine." Nina narrowed her eyes, not at the cat but at my wrist— her bracelet. I placed Hook on the ground. He looked back at me and then scurried away. Thank you for your help, buddy.

Just to annoy her, I stayed quiet and crossed my arms across myself, flaunting the bracelet. In these torturous weeks, this was the first time Nina acknowledged my presence and it settled dancing blazes in my stomach. It was nearly bizarre how effortlessly she could affect my mood.

"Why do you have this? I thought I lost it." She mindlessly stepped closer, blinked in surprise, and then flared me a stung stare when realization downed into her. "You stole it." It wasn't a question, not an accusation either, she wasn't even surprised.

"Why are you like this?" Nina mumbled, looking at me as if she couldn't understand me.

"Like what?" The way my orbit turned around her, the way my insides flipped upside down, and the way I kept attracting toward her like a steel to a magnet, everything was downright maddening. 

"So outrageously impossible." So calm, so delicate, I could listen to her all day, all night, for the fucking eternity.

"I believe in being real." I watched her like a man at the peak of his insanity. She was my sanity and insanity and everything in between. My fingers pricked, begging to touch her, to wrap around her slender throat to feel her life beating, to sense every shiver escaping her.

"You are many things but not real." Nina taunted me in such a sexy manner which one day would get her fucked by me dirty.

"Fine, give it to me back." She opened her palm in front of me, and I had to withstand the urge to haul her closer and kiss her with everything in me until she had no option but to lower her invisible walls and accept whatever I planned to offer her.

"I found it so it's mine, exactly the way I found you, the way I tasted you and declared you as mine." She swallowed greedily as if a rock was stuck in the back of her throat. Her shoulder locked under her hoodie as I stepped closer, our chest grazed and I cupped her face. Touching her felt as natural as breathing. As if it was my birthright on her skin.

"Take this, asshole!" Before I could kiss her, Nina swung her feet and kicked my knees. My girl got strength because when the ache flourished, I actually let out a hiss under my breath.

Her attempts to get away made me tighten my grip on her face and she began thrashing around. Starting a fight with me was one of her favorite things but she did not know that it turned me on even more. The more she would fight, the more I would mess with her.

"Ouch, weird way to flirt. That's sexy." I moved my hand behind her wrapped her ponytail around my fingers and tugged it down as her face arched.

"How is everything sexy for you?" Nina glared at me with empire-burning rage.

"Everything is sexy when it's you." I leaned to her, trying to capture her lips in my mouth but she looked away, her jaw flickered under my hold.

"Would it really kill you, If we just kissed? I thought it was normal between us." I winked down, grinning like a devil who couldn't wait to ravish this heavenly maiden.

"Nothing is normal between us." Nina drawled out, voice harsh as I let her hair free from my grip.

"So how long do you intend to run away from me?" I asked nonchalantly, staring at the side pulse of her neck.

"Until you stop calling me yours and stealing my belongings." She was thinking ahead of herself again, not comprehending the fragility of the situation. No matter where she goes, I was her destiny.

"Aw, sadly your wish isn't going to be fulfilled in this life." I tapped my index on her nose and she seethed a low 'don't touch me.'

"Stop following me around like a stalker." She demanded as if I would listen to her.

"I don't stalk you. I'm just observing." Tipping my shoulder up, I shrugged.

"Oh really? How thoughtful." She wasn't impressed, it was written all over her face.

Well, I wasn't lying. I intended to observe her every move and follow her wherever she goes like a shadow. I just wanted her to acknowledge my existence, to know that I was around her. Like the library where she spends her time, I would just sit on the other side of the shelf separating us. I would hear the flipping of the pages and her muttering the words and sometimes I caught her smiling and squealing herself while reading her romance books— surprisingly cracking a smile on my face — Then I would follow her to the house where she babysits the kids in the weekends, knowing perfectly well that she had catch the sight of my car many times from the windows, I had no intention of hiding. Then I would watch her and spend the time outside of the cafe where she worked, waiting for her arrival just to get ignored by her.

"Why don't you find someone else to deal with your fucked up persona?" Nina tilted her head like a bird, probing for an answer.

"I only want you to deal with my fucked up persona." I sighed, a frown marred between her delicate brows. "Come here, we need to talk." I grabbed her hand but she yanked it away from my hold.

"Who the hell do you think you are? Who the hell are you to order me around? I'm not your pet who you can play with for your entertainment. I'm a human and I'm emotionally available unlike you. You don't feel anything, you don't care about anything or anyone. You are so selfish, so menace and the only thing you can do is just love yourself." Silence saturated the air, entwined with thick tension. I could see it in her eyes, the pain, the anger choking her and that's all because of me.

"Will you forgive me?" That came out abruptly, startling both of us. For a second we both just looked at each other, feeling the conflict in the air spreading wide and creating an abyss between us. "For all those things I've done." It took a lot of effort to ask her because I knew she might not consider forgiving me and I had to leave with the guilt that I'd hurt the girl who was embedded deep into my soul. Nina Wang was my damn heart and I would destroy myself before hurting her again. 

Nina raised her brows, her taut expression was scratching my skin with shimmering shame.

"Forgive you for making me an outcast, scaring off every guy that came close to me, not helping me when you should have, not stopping Aria and other affluent kids when they insulted me every time they got the chance, most importantly hurting me when you knew I didn't deserve that… are you talking about this?" Her tone was unfamiliar to me, it was darker and colder than the sleepless nights I had spent.

Then there were her eyes, wide with the tender speck of innocence and unflinching fierceness that made her Nina. My Nina.

"No. You don't deserve my forgiveness, I'll never forgive you." Pain and distress crossbred her voice. She jabbed an accused finger in my chest, then she slammed her fists on my chest and all I could do was take those fragile hits. I grabbed her elbows, hauling her closer as she shook her head, not wanting to be close but not denying me either.

"It's not all about that, Taehyung. You've hurt me with your words more than I could count, always. And now I want to move on, let me do it properly. Why do you have to make everything so difficult for me, you asshole?" Her chin quivered, and the chalky skin of her cheeks flushed as she again slammed her fist on my chest.

"In your hearts of heart, you knew that I was hurt but it didn't stop you once. You humiliated me, and hurt my feelings to the point where I'm ashamed about whatever I felt for you." Nina made a futile effort to pull away from me, her throat flexing for a delicate gulp as she flashed me a shrewd glare.

"Felt?" I muttered. "You still feel everything for me, Nina. Accept that you belong to me. Accept I'm the only thing that you desire, even when you close your eyes, I'm the one who resides your fucking thoughts." Every word broke out between my gritted teeth. I forbade her to move on from me and live a life where I'm not part of it. I was that lone dark cloud that had ought to follow her to the end of the earth.

"See, you'll never change or understand and that's why you don't deserve my forgiveness." She finally pulled away, stepping back as if being close to me was physically aching her. "Why should I give you a chance? What will I get from being yours? more humiliation? more pain? You are unapologetically controlling, you like to ruthlessly impose your power on me, you like to own people's lives and I don't like this."

"I don't like when people intimidate me. I'm not like you, Taehyung. I like things according to my choices. I won't bow or bend whenever you snap your fingers or nod whenever you want. I want someone who can understand my feelings, respect my boundaries, and who can be my refuge in my gloomy days." Nina's lower lip wobbled as sniffled, stealing her eyes away from me.

I could keep her in my clutches forever and let the world know she would always belong there. I could kidnap and abduct her, lock her in an isolated island where only I could see her. But I couldn't, as if all the dark energy had sucked out of me and left me empty. Wanting this girl had clouded the sadistic and reckless parts of me. Now I wanted to be careful with her, I wanted to be nice with her.

"I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness or even a tiny chance but you need to understand, Nina. This time I'm serious. What if I say I don't want to control you or own you or impose my power on you? Give me one chance to show you that I've feelings for you and they are genuine." I flashed her a look of grief, hoping that she would just lower her guard and consider me.

"You are crazy." She mumbled in a way as if the fact was foreign on her tongue.

"I know and you bring that side out of me so well, red." My grip tightened around her elbows, fingertips pressing against her flesh as she lifted her eyes at me, finding a shred of emotions that I was an ace in concealing.

"You are selfish, unsympathetic, and not tender." Moisture lined her lower lashes and the delicate lining of her beautiful face sharpened into grimace.

"You want tender?" I trailed my other hand on the side of her face, surprised that I was able to be this repose with her.

"I'll change into a tender-boy version for you. Do you want me to be sympathetic? I'll be sympathetic-boy version to you. For you, I can be good, even fucking great. But I can't stop being selfish when it comes to you. It's in my DNA and I have every intention of staying like this. I'm selfish, greedy, and obsessed with you. If I stop being all of them then it means I've to let you go. If I start being selfless then I'll have to save you from the fucked-up version of me and watch you being someone else and it's unacceptable, Nina." Imagining her with someone else triggered that darker part that was tucked somewhere within me. That part was bloodthirsty and only knew lash and tear and slaughter.

"What I'm not is a liar, Nina, so I won't sugarcoat my words. My feelings for you aren't colorful, they aren't all rosy and soft. They are dark and violent and obsessive and they keep growing for you, even if you aren't in my sight, my feelings keep flourishing for you." My voice was as rigid and possessive as my grip around her elbows. "I've no control over myself but you have, you can overwhelm and overpower me. You can eradicate me inside and out." I whispered so softly, that I knew she felt the shadow of my confession resounding in her heart.

"No." Nina breathed out and shook her head as if the weight of my words had finally slammed all over her.

"Why are you making decisions and expecting me to follow them? I'm tired of your games. You pull me toward you and the next second you make me feel as if I'm just an object for you and nothing more than that. I can't go through this. I can't trust you. You ask me to forgive you? Fine, I forgive you but you aren't welcome in my life. Apology accepted, access denied." The harsh rejection had slithered the crack of my thoughts and gutted me with sharp claws, leaving me writhing with unfathomable pain.

"I’m done waiting for the day when you'll treat me like a human. I'm done with you and your games and your cold shoulder. You always say that we have a bond, I don't want a bond where I've to wake up every day threatened. I am done surviving you every day." I winced in my place, not understanding which to hold, her words or my world spinning around me.

"Nina, listen." I pleaded, I actually begged. "Just one chance, baby."

“I can't listen to someone who's nothing. You don't even exist anymore. You are invisible to me, even if you call my name I won't turn at you." I could pretend her words didn't shred me open and leave a bottomless hole where the dark energy was feeding into me, where my demons were snarling at me in disdain.

"You said you have feelings for me… I don't care what you feel. Here I crushed it under my feet, Taehyung." She finally faces me, expression stern and merciless. Nina was ready to stomp out, seeming like she would pass out if she had to spend another minute with me.

"Don't you dare to walk away from me.'' I grabbed her wrist.

"Taehyung, if you don't let me go now…I swear I'll hate you forever." Her voice trembled, carrying a sincerity that I couldn't oppose. Then I let her go. With her head bowed down, she walked away with haste strides. She had actually walked all over my feelings, crushing it under her feet and didn't bother to look back at the damage.