Stage 1: Darkness

I live. I don't know how or why, but I'm alive. Something inside me seems to calm down. Then I realize it's dark. I'm lying on a bed, tied up. I can feel the tubes digging into my arm and know immediately that they are not there to keep me alive. Because life smells different. This place smells of blood and death.

My leg hurts, my head hurts, my jaw hurts.

Do they really want to execute me? The longer I lie here, the more absurd this thought seems to me. But what else would they do with me? I have no use for them.

I don't know how long I lie here in the dark before a wave of panic slowly overtakes and threatens to drown me. It eats its way through my stomach, and I can feel the hole it leaves. Big and painful, it gapes below my stomach and I could die, I feel so desperate at this very moment. But I can't help the panic. With it comes fear, and I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of in the first place.

I thought they would kill me. But if I'm not dead by now, then they must be planning something else for me. Now I wish they really executed me, just put that stupid bullet in my head. Because what they're going to do to me here is going to be far worse than death.

I'm trying to get the panic under control as best I can. It's not easy, but when I try, I manage to focus my thoughts on something positive and forget the hole in the pit of my stomach for a little while.

It feels like holding your head under water for an extended period of time. All sensory impressions appear slightly blurred and deaf. And as long as I stay underwater, I can deal with the pain, I can push it away. But as soon as I lose control of my brain for a split second, it's like emerging from the water, breathing heavily, and all the emotions I've been trying to keep at bay crash over me like a giant wave.

The time in the dark stretches. I fall asleep to wake up screaming from dreams. They're all about blood these days. No Peacekeeper or any other human enters the dark room or wherever I am.

I don't know exactly how much time passes, but after a while I'm sure they'll have to feed me through the tubes.

Eventually I start trying to move. My arms and legs are tied. So there is no way to get up. If I turn my hand at the right angle, I can feel the cold hoses sliding along my fingertips. However, I never get a hold of them, no matter how painfully I may twist my hands.

And that's when Haymitch pops into my mind's eye out of nowhere, and the wall I've worked so hard to build inside me collapses in a matter of seconds. An unbelievable pain pushes my body into the hard bed and my stomach and head both seem to explode at the same time. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to die, because suddenly the desperation is so great that I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. My body suddenly feels centuries older and I lie here, staring wide-eyed into the darkness, wondering who I am and what's actually left of me.

Crying doesn't help, I'd like to put my hands over my eyes so that no one can see me, even though no one is there. The panic makes me feel hopeless. I don't know which pain is worse. The one in my stomach that wants to tear my whole body in two, that's how strong it is. Or the mental pain in my head because the thoughts running through my head are so devastating that I would probably be dizzy if I wasn't tied up in this damn bed.

I'm trying to get the racing thoughts under control. I don't understand, why am I so scared? Yesterday I was fine considering the circumstances and today I feel like someone beat me up and then set me on fire.

And then, when I almost accept the situation as hopeless, I suddenly hear it. It's a voice that spoke to me years ago. It almost slipped my mind, but I get hold of it and suddenly I can exhale without threatening to collapse my lungs. My father. "Darling, there are moments when you feel grounded, but you are stronger than you feel right now. You don't always have to be so hard on yourself."

I'm Effie Trinket. I'm always in control and I've never let my emotions get me down. I'm stronger than I feel right now.

"Stop acting like you're a wreck," I say out loud to myself. "You're Effie Trinket, you're above things like feelings." And indeed, I draw strength from those words. My breathing gradually calms down.

"What are you afraid of?" My voice is loud and serious and angry. Angry at myself and my stupid feelings. An uncomfortable shiver runs up my spine and my stomach throbs as I can't find an answer to the question.

"If you don't know why you're afraid, then there's no good reason to be afraid," I say again. I'm angry. I'm acting like an idiot. What am I afraid of? I just lie here, the pain is bearable, and think about it. But I can't find an answer. I don't understand myself.

I have to keep my thoughts under control. I close my eyes. Think positive.

oOo

I walk along the path. The gravel crunches under my shoes. I look down at my feet in amazement. I wear leather boots, which are customary and very common in the districts. The leather is worn and looks old.

My gaze wanders to the path in front of me and I raise my head. The gravel path stretches through a small piece of forest and I take a deep breath. The fresh air smells of wet earth and nature. In the distance, birds sing peacefully and the rustling of leaves fills the stillness.

"Do you like it?" I hear a voice ask and turn to the side.

Haymitch walks beside me, his blond hair uncombed over his ears, but that doesn't bother me in the slightest. A ray of sunshine shines through the branches of the trees and falls on his face. The light makes his gray eyes sparkle and I almost automatically give him a smile.

"It's beautiful," I reply and walk on. No matter how fast I go, he will always be able to keep up with me.

We are silent and continue walking along the path. It's getting steeper and the ground is uneven. The deeper we go into the forest, the harder it becomes to find footing on the dark earth. But I know Haymitch will support me if I fall.

Nothing happens, we manage the climb without any problems and find ourselves at the top of the hill. It's not particularly high, but it's enough to look out over the district. It's an incredible sight. Down there, at the foot of the hill, is District 12, the houses and barracks form a small sea of dark patches and you can see the lights shining as far as here. And around the district is nothing but forest. Trees as far as the eye can see.

Dusk has already set in and the sun is setting on the horizon. It bathes the forests in a beautiful orange light. And yet we are high enough that you get the feeling that the sky is opening up in front of you. It glows orange and the few clouds that stretch far back on the horizon cast small shadows on the trees.

The sight takes my breath away and an overwhelming feeling rises in me. I turn to Haymitch, smiling. He doesn't smile, but I see the hint of a satisfied smirk on his lips.

Then his gaze slips past me and his face freezes to stone from one second to the next. I hear the roar of their engines before I can turn. Their hovercrafts roar through the sky and I jerk my head around.

A piercing hiss echoes through the valley and then I see glowing bodies flying through the air. They leave red vapor trails in the sky and then dive towards the ground.

The barracks, which had just been bathed in orange light, are bursting on all sides. Red flames blaze up the alleys and you can hear the crackle of wood all the way to us. But even worse is the screaming of the people trying to flee their homes.

My heart is racing and I hear the stunned sound that gets stuck in my throat. My hand reaches for Haymitch's body, but there's nothing but air next to me, where he should have been. A cold wind blows through my face and I shiver.

I turn my back on the valley and my eyes search for his familiar shape. For a split second, my body calms down when I see him standing there at the edge of the forest. But then I see the look in his eyes again and I feel the fear coursing through my veins.

"Effie," I hear his voice calling, screaming for his life. "Watch out, they want to get you!"

Suddenly I am close to tears and run towards him. As I stand in front of him, I throw my arms around his neck and sob loudly. "No no. You can't let that happen!"

I can feel his arms wrapping themselves around my body so tightly, as if he's afraid he'll have to let go of me at any second. As if he would have to say goodbye to me for a very long time. "I am so sorry."

I lean my head back and try to see his face through the tears. His distinctive facial features are deformed into an impenetrable mask. His eyes aren't on me, they're staring off into the distance. Into the future. "Haymitch?"

My voice brings him back to the present. A tremor shakes the ground and I threaten to fall, but he is there to steady me. The air smells of smoke, dark threads run across the sky and turn the orange of the setting sun. My eyes just start to water more. I immediately suppress the thought of what exactly I am inhaling with the smoke.

"Why are they coming for me?" I ask Haymitch.

"Because you know too much," he replies almost automatically, but the sad look in his eyes as he looks down at me almost breaks my heart.

"I dont know what you are talking about. Why are they only picking me? You're so much more important to them, I–"

"I won't be there when they come."

My heart feels a little lighter. "Then I'll go with you. Then everything will be fine." But as soon as I say the words, I can feel the flat taste they have. My stomach clenches and I can't shake the uneasy feeling of foreboding.

He doesn't answer. He just stares past me into nothing. The tremors are getting stronger and the roar of their machines is getting closer. "Haymitch?" I have to shake him to make his eyes meet mine.

"No," he says mechanically. "You can't come with me, that's not possible." The indifference in his eyes betrays him. He tries to cover up his true emotions. But I know him too well after ten years.

"I have to go, Haymitch!" My scream echoes through the forest and I hear the echo. "You have to help me, I can't– They're going to get me!"

"No, I can't help you." Finally, he lowers his eyes completely.

Tears stream down my face, my brain trying to downplay my feelings, trying to make me know it's not as bad as it seems. But my heart has already understood the truth. And right now, it's really going to break. I don't know how to open my mouth. "You're leaving me behind."

He nods and slowly pulls away from me. His hands leave my back and now hang limply down his body. "I'm sorry, but there's no other way."

I can't hear him anymore. His words are like a slap in the face and I stagger backwards, away from him. I pull myself together briefly and stare at him with huge, horrified eyes. "You're leaving me behind. You are leaving me."

"It's better this way, believe me." My body feels numb. I'm underwater again. My walls are up, and this time even Haymitch won't bring them down. Not this time. As I look at him now, there is no emotion in my gaze. I look at him coolly and distantly. There is an uncertainty in his eyes. He's not unsure about his decision, no, he's going to leave me. He's not sure if I will forgive him. Because that's all that matters here. I'm supposed to forgive him so he doesn't have to feel guilty about me. He's not interested in how I'm doing anymore.

When I look at him now I feel nothing. Haymitch looks at me silently. And then, without warning, I am grabbed from behind. I don't even flinch. I think I can do it. I think I can break away from him. Who is he anyway? Nothing but a human. And people can be replaced, right? It's only when I see his shadow disappearing into the forest that I realize the answer is no. No, some people cannot be replaced. And now that I understand that he's gone, I start screaming his name.

oOo

I'm still screaming for Haymitch when I wake up. I'm still screaming when I've already overcome the half sleep. I want to sit up, but cold metal digs into my skin as my muscles fight the bonds with adrenaline pumping. I should have to slowly get used to the dream. It's been the same for days. I dream it several times a day because I have nothing else to do but stare at the ceiling in the dark.

I'm tired. So incredibly tired. I haven't slept through a single night since I've been here. I don't know what exactly they put me through the IV lines, but I think it must be a sleeping drug because I can feel it entering my forearm cold and heavy before I'm pulled into an artificial sleep.

In the beginning I was still having the conversation with myself, but I've stopped doing it now. The dreams rob me of the last energy that I carry within me. I'm too weak to talk and sometimes even too weak to think. The longer I've been down here, the more unlikely it seems that I've ever seen anything but this eternal black.

I must have been here a while because people's faces are beginning to blur in my mind's eye. Everything blurs. Sometimes I ask myself who I even am.

Not even my father's words calm me down anymore. You are stronger than you feel right now. Was there ever a time when I felt different than now? If I ever knew, I've forgotten.

I can only see Haymitch clearly in front of me. But only because he keeps appearing in my dreams. I don't hate him, no. He can't help the predicament I'm in. He did indeed abandon me, but he didn't want to. He had to, I'm sure about that. Or he had no idea what would await me here.

But thinking about what Haymitch could have done or thought doesn't make it any better either. In fact, nothing makes anything better. It's a routine: I lie awake, no idea how much time goes by, I feel the cold invade me, the dream and then I wake up screaming, too tired to cry. And so it goes on and on.

Eventually after a few dozen times I stopped counting and in my current state I probably wouldn't be able to remember the number at all. So what's the point?

-

Welcome back,

Effie is alive, but kept in darkness. What do you think about the chapter? What do you think will happen next? Tell me! :)

See you soon,

Skyllen