Sarah Paulson as Nicola Suenos

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Fighting Temptation: Capítulo Diciannove

~Antonio Aarón Esposito~

Damn it all.

I thought that I had left the memory of my mother in the past, a faded remembrance of nothing but the time she had given me up to my new parents. I didn't think anything of it when I declared her status as disowned and named Isidora Kozlov my mother.

I didn't.

But when I saw the look of finality in her eyes as she lied in my arms, blood circling out around us, I realized that it was all a farce. I still considered her to be my mother.

I had the full intention of running outside of the warehouse and getting her to the nearest hospital but a tug on my sleeve stopped me short. My heart cracked when I saw her smile slightly as she asked for me to let her down. I bent down on my knees, her still in my grasp as she looked up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Mama..." I whispered, my chest tightening as blood trickled down her chin. "Please let me get you to the hospital." My voice was a mere whisper but she shook her head in reply. "No, cariño," She reached up a tentative hand to caress my face. "It's alright." She murmured and I could see the light in her eyes beginning to fade. "Do you remember the day that you were born?" She asked, her voice cracking.

I shook my head in reply, forcing myself to keep the tears in. She wasn't doing what I thought she was doing. No. No. "I do." She grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her. "It was the best day of my life. My pride and joy in my arms, the way that you looked at me," She grinned glumly as I ran a hand through her hair. "I knew that I was going to do everything that I can to protect you, Antonio." She said and my heart started to beat slowly, mirroring the trickle of her blood out of the wound in her chest. "I'm happy that I got to fulfill my promise of protecting you." I went to speak in protest but she held a finger up to her mouth. "It's alright, cariño, no need to look so sad." She tilted her head, her teeth stained with the red liquid as she coughed, sputtering in my grasp.

"I'm happy because I got to see what a beautiful man you turned out to be. I don't regret giving you up if it meant that you would be so successful in life," She let out a sigh, grasping her chest. "It hurts, mi amor, a hell of a lot," A tear fell down, out of her eye and there was inner turmoil building up within me.

It wasn't too late.

"But it is..." Calandra lamented, knowing exactly what I was thinking. I bit my lip as I looked at her. "I'm okay with this because now I know that you are safe. I wanted this for you all my life. I fought for you the hardest," She squeezed my hand as she brought it to her lips for a kiss, red staining my palm. "Wanted to make sure that my pride and joy got to live his life." She smiled brightly but a cough struck her in essence. She then narrowed her eyes at me. "I've seen the way that you look at that boy, Ramiro, is it?" She questioned and I looked away, strings tugging at my heart. "You know what you did was wrong, mi amor, you love him." She stated and I wasn't about to correct her. "Go on and be happy. That boy makes you happy and because of that, I accept him." She said. "Don't be an idiota and let him go. Don't live with a grudge because after all," Her brown eyes twinkled in the dim sunlight and I knew that the end was near. "I kept up the end of my promise." She coughed one last time before letting my hand fall like the end of a careless whisper.

"Te amo, cariño," Her voice fell to a whisper. "Don't let him be the one that got away. You will regret it..." Her voice left with a soft touch as her head lolled back, the dim light vanishing from her eyes as they closed, a sign that she was gone.

"Mamá..." I gritted my teeth as hot tears cascaded down my cheeks. My heart felt tight as I held her in my chest, unsure of what to do or where to go. I've never got the chance to tell her I never hated her. I never got the chance to tell her that I'm sorry. At that moment, mere memories of my childhood came flashing through my eyes like bolts of lightning. It was as if someone cruel reached into my chest and yanked out my heart, taunting me with it as I gasped for air. Words couldn't explain the feeling but I knew I was sinking further into a pit of darkness.

As I sat there, crying and weeping, I came to the conclusion that I felt so alone.

First my father, now my mother.

It seemed as if the world was collapsing around me. Just why me?

Why?

"It's not healthy for you to drink this much alcohol," I threw back another swig of the whiskey, shrugging as my mind sloshed around after that sip. "What's it to ya?" I grumbled, barely feigning a glance to my right-hand man, Timofei Smirinko, as he picked up pieces of trash that were scattered all over my office. "Dude, Чертовски ад!" He cursed as he scrunched up his nose (Fucking hell). "You smell like shit!" He pointed to me and I once again shrugged, not caring about anything. "When was the last time you showered, Tonio?" He questioned, running a hand through his short hair and I just stared at him, throwing back another swig of alcohol, the burn of the liquid soothing my throat.

"God damn it..." Timofei rolled his eyes as he continued to clean up. "What's wrong with you, boss?" He asked me, his blue eyes penetrating my soul and I just sat there, feeling disheveled. "Are you going to answer me?" He demanded and I just stared. Everything was wrong with me, that was for sure. "It hurts, Timo..." I whispered out, wincing at the crack of my hoarse voice. That was right, I hadn't spoken in a while.

It had been two weeks and nothing was the same.

My right-hand man looked at me, the bag falling from his hand as he walked over to him, concern etched in his expression. "What's wrong?" He repeated as he pulled me into his grasp. "I've never seen you like this, Antonio, and we've been friends for twenty years." He murmured and I nodded in reply. "Is it that guy you've been going on and on about for the last few months?" He asked in a teasing voice and I said nothing, not having to voice my answer. "Ah." He confirmed in finalization. "What did you do?" He questioned and I didn't know what to say.

It was all the matter of what I didn't do.

I didn't trust him, that was for sure. It was ironic, very ironic how I saw Raymundo standing there with a gun pointed at my mother and all I could think about was how the man I loved betrayed me. I mean, at the time, there was no time for guessing, no time for clues. It was clear as day that he was in on whatever that was with my uncle and no words or any type of explanation could deter me from that.

"Do you really believe that though, Tonio?" I could hear Timofei talking to me but I had nothing to say. "That little shrimp, he loves you too much. He was probably just as shocked as you." I highly doubted it. "You know, you have to learn to trust and trust easily." Timofei confessed and I scoffed, swirling around the alcohol in the container, not really giving a shit about what he was telling me. "Соси член, Тимофей." I scowled as I let out a huff of air (Suck a dick, Timofei). "I'm being serious, dude. You often try to ruin your own friendships and relationships and run when the going gets tough," He folded his arms and glared at me and I knew too well that he was right.

"So?"

He let out a small growl. "Why are you trying to ruin what might be your first love?"

My eyes widened. "The hell are you talking about?" I grumbled, having enough of his nonsense. "Antonio, Antonio, Antonio," My friend shook his hand in mockery. "You love this dude, stop playing yourself. You and I both know that when push comes to shove, the little one would do anything for you." I stared at him, not understanding a word for shit that he was saying. "Are you done?" I raised a brow, turning my attention to my whiskey once again. I had no time to be listening to him go on and on about his bullshit. "Well, if you don't realize it yourself," He stood up and pulled out his phone.

"This just means I'll need to call for reinforcements." He mumbled to himself as I tuned him out, looking down at my phone, wincing at the background. It was a picture of Valentin and I, my arms around him as he smiled up at the picture. It was the same picture that we took in my childhood home.

It was a nice distraction away from the melting pain that I was feeling, that much I would admit.

I didn't like feeling lied to and I might have been wrong for being the one to walk away first, but damn it all if people think that I would stay and let my heart get broken. One might say it's just a misunderstanding but I know for sure it's not.

How could it be?

No one could love me. Ramiro may have said that he did and I may have responded the same way, but come on. Things said in the heat of the moment do not really last forever. I know that much.

At least.

"We used to talk for hours upon end every day, now look at us. Barely a text here and there." I chuckled humorlessly to myself as I chugged some more alcohol, the burn replacing the tug at my heart. "But that's your own fault, Antonio." I heard Timofei say something but I was too lost in thought as I let my phone fall to the floor, not caring if it cracked. I had no idea how to cope and it was needing all of my energy and tact to not lash out at everyone. "Do you miss him, that Ramiro?" I heard someone ask and I wanted to say hell no but the beating in my heart at the sound of his name let me know that I was lying to myself.

Like hell, I'd admit that.

Ramiro Valentin Vega Jr. The first guy I had ever been with and the last I'll ever be with. The hottest spitfire I ever found myself being drawn to, but not the only one.

I let out a loud and boisterous laugh, knowing damn well that none of it was true.

"Why are you so insecure?" Timofei's voice resonated throughout my skull and I found myself trying to hold back tears. "From what you told me, it doesn't sound like you don't trust Ramiro." He said and his cutthroat truth pierced the silence of the room. "It sounds like you don't trust yourself."

I had no idea what he meant nor the time for mind games.

It didn't matter. It was over now. We were going to go two separate directions. It may have been my fault and I'll take it in stride.

Who would ever love a man like you?

I shut my eyes tightly, willing the tears to stay inside. I grasped at my heart, trying to put together something that wasn't there. Feelings that probably weren't real. "Cause I..." I stopped myself before I said anything else. It was as if I couldn't say anything else. Cause I find it hard to trust.

I need too much of everything.

I just don't believe in love, to begin with.

Who would ever want a person like you? Worthless.

"I don't know what it is Antonio," Timofei lamented, his voice softening for me as he stood in front of me, crouching. "Sometimes I feel like you don't give enough credit to yourself. You're too hard on yourself for whatever reason." I felt as if he was talking directly to my memories and I wanted him out.

Out of my mind.

"I feel like you're scared." He stated and I snickered sarcastically. "Scared outta my mind." I confessed, feeling soberer than I ever did and it was surprising, considering the amount of drinking that I did. Every time I found myself thinking about my feelings, I gulped down some whiskey. Anything to numb the pain. Anything to keep the feelings at bay. Anything to keep myself from realizing the truth. Truly afraid to let my heart even beat the slightest. I didn't want to let myself get used to anything because who knew? "Qué mierda de vida." I whispered to myself, a singular tear making its way down my cheek (Fuck my life). "This isn't you, Antonio. I know your mother just died," I sent a harsh glare at Timo and he threw his hands up in surrender. "But instead of focusing on what's gone, why don't you see what you have left?" He questioned and I sat back in my chair, fear taking over. I let my fears and memories ascend and all rationale left my body. 

"I have nothing left, Timofei." Not a damn thing.

Then I'd lie in my bed once again.