October 10, 1997

Devin almost kissed me the night of his birthday party. I REALLY wanted him to, bad. But to risk our friendship for simple pleasure—I couldn't do it. I regret hurting his feelings because now he avoids me whenever I go over to his house. Okay, I avoid him, too.

October 14, 1997

Devin and I are back talking!

November 3, 1997

I saw Tae kissing Maria Sanchez in the hallway after 5th period. I should have told him she had Mono. HA HA HA. Serves him right! Hopefully, he will stop going around sticking his tongue down every Suzy Q's mouth!

November 8, 1997

Momma asked me if it was possible for me to give Charlie a chance. I told her I'd try for her.

I tried. I hate Charlie! I overheard Charlie telling his sister on the phone that the Liao's should get back on a banana boat and leave this country. He's a racist tick that sucks the life out of those around him. "I love you, baby, soon," is what he said to her. Who talks to their sister in that manner? Gross! How on earth did my mom come to love such a man? If this is love, I don't want it.

November 16, 1997

Today is my birthday. I had lunch with Momma, Maylee, and Yoon Mi Rae. Momma caved in and gave me my own phone line for my room. Yes! Maylee got me a Tamagotchi nano. Yoon Mi Rae bought me a pink Talkboy pen. It's super cute! Mr. Liao and Uncle Shan gave me a hundred bucks apiece (by far the best gift). Tae bought me a dozen yellow and white roses mixed, beanie babies, and played a song on the piano for me... No amount of money can buy back that memory from me. If only I knew what song his fingers etched across the keyboard.

December 9, 1997

Leandro revealed to me during lunch the song Tae played on my birthday. It's a song by Brian McKnight called "Never Felt This Way." I refuse to listen to the lyrics. I'm afraid of what it may reveal. I need the thick comfy security blanket that protects our friendship.

January 20, 1998

Trey stole my chocolate pudding cup yesterday at lunch. So, I gave him a piece of chocolate exlax today and told him it was a Hershey. He didn't question it, oh greedy tail. Bet he won't steal from me again.

January 25, 1998

Church was great. We learned about forgiveness. I decided to forgive Trey for stealing from me, and I asked God to forgive me for giving Trey the exlax. Everything is well now. I finally got the film developed from when Tae pretended to take a picture of Charlie. The last picture on Devin's camera was of Leandro about to kiss me from behind. It really shouldn't bother me but my heart hurts.

February 1, 1998

Charlie lied on me today. I was not at the community center hanging out with boys. I was by Maylee's house. Momma is angry with me for "abusing her trust." She doesn't believe me no matter what I tell her, and it hurts. I'm grounded for two weeks and banned from the community center for a month. I can only visit Yoon Mi Rae when Mom visits her. Charlie rants about Mr. Liao's as blunt disrespect towards him. But I see nothing wrong because they are all facts about his crass behavior. True enough, they don't like Charlie, but in all fairness, NOBODY likes Charlie. Tamela and Leandro are going out. I guess that's cool. I told her still like him last week, but I guess that's how fake friendships go. Oh, well.

February 14, 1998

A world of dew,

and within every dewdrop

A world of struggle.

"A World of Dew," by Kobayashi Issa

Candice must think I'm boo-boo-the-fool! She's always trying to hang out with me because she likes Tae and wants me to hook them up. I am not Jenny Jones or Ricki Lake. Hook your own self up with him. If she keeps bothering me I'm going to turn into a guest from The Jerry Springer Show and pound her into minced meat. Ugh.

March 13, 1998

Outside of it being the dreaded Friday the 13th...Candice and Devin are dating.

It hurts. Why?

May 30, 1998

Tae kissed me. My heart raced sooo much. It's racing now thinking about it. Even now I miss the hold of his lips on mine. Why did he kiss me? He has a girlfriend that he admitted to liking. Is he playing us both? Is it possible to like two people at one time? Of course, it is, duh! Does he like me because of the promise he made to my father? Or does he like me-like me? My chest hurts.

Grr, I seem to be losing it. That stupid kiss is driving me crazy. Where is that friendship line again? Did I draw the line with white chalk because now it's dissipating in the rain? It's faint. I can no longer see it. My heart and mind no longer want to see it. Run, Trechial, run.

His kiss. It's electric. It's earth-shattering. My senses were clouded with his scent and overwhelmed by the taste of sour apple jolly ranchers. Geez, Tae, what have you done to me?

I felt something. I don't know what it was or what it still is, but it's there. A fluttery empty feeling in my stomach. Raw passion hid amidst the shadows of an unsuspecting girl as she stares into two different color pools. Hazel or brown? Jump! My feet won't budge even though my heart leaped without abandon.

I'm such an idiot. I placed my heart in his hands without even knowing it.

Aren't I too young for this?

I think I'm in love with Tae. How cliché...

July 16, 1998

I'm not sure but I think Charlie tried to kiss me today, but Devin walked in and then my mom a few moments later. I'm trembling thinking about it. It was terrifying! I must admit, their timing is impeccable. I hate living here.

Charlie is a complete pervert. I'm almost one hundred percent sure that Mrs. Sheryl is not his sister. After leaving Maylee's house yesterday, I decided to go home instead of going by Tae's house. As I was walking alongside the house, I overheard Sheryl and Charlie arguing about him leaving Momma. I peeked through the side window just in time to see Mrs. Sheryl bum-rush him and kiss him... ON THE LIPS! Ugh, it's either incest or someone is lying! Yeah, I ended up going by Leandro's house since Tae had company in the form of his prissy girlfriend over.

I told my clique about it, yet Trey and Leandro were not surprised. They saw Charlie and Sheryl cozied up around town. I attempted to bring the issue up with Mom, but she said I had an overactive imagination and was confusing her relationship with the teen dramas I watched on T.V. I won't bring it up again. Not my problem.

August 5, 1998.

Charlie thought it wise to approach me in the living room about his expectations for me during the school year. Let me explain thoroughly...

"I expect for you to behave yourself and not follow the kid across the street into trouble this year, young lady," He slurred in his usual drunken state.

I rolled my eyes, releasing a long sigh, and clicked off the T.V., walking past him without a single word. I am not his backwoods hillbilly child!

"You know," he said, and I could feel the sinister sneer creeping up Charlie's face, "he's nearing an age where I can lock him up for the fighting 'n' such."

Anger of magnificent proportions consumed me. I was sick of him overstepping his boundaries regarding my life! I spun around so fast my ponytail whipped me in the face. Charlie continued to leer at me next to the staircase.

"Leave him and my other friends alone or else," I threatened with little to back it up, balling my fist at my sides.

"Or else what?" His lips curled, silver eyes inspected me with psychopathic interest.

I swallowed hard thinking of ways that would propel me out of this situation with him. A thought immediately popped up in my head. Saying this piece of truth would mean ratting myself out for being somewhere I shouldn't have been that day. But it was my trump card, and I had nothing else up my sleeve. "Or else," I said putting on false bravado, "I'll tell Momma that I saw you kissing your sister at Waffle House. On Tuesday. At eight forty-five in the morning in Tyler Town while she was at work!" A flicker of annoyance flashed across his face. He unfolded his arms and took a step forward,

"Liar," he replied in an even tone.

"Window seat in the back corner by the bathrooms and exit door. You were dressed like farmer brown, and she dressed like a broke down version of Jessica Rabbit." I crossed my arms over my chest, standing holding his heinous glare.

"Do you think your mother will believe such a farce?" He took another step in my direction, forcing me to steal and inch backward.

I gave him a haughty chin. "I guess we'll see. It's not like it's the first time you've had your tongue down her throat."

He slid his serpent tongue across his thin lip, a malevolent look transformed his face as he took another step toward me. His gaze slithered up and down my body, sending an icy chill down my spine. "I guess we will."

Goosebumps prickled my arms, and my heart raced as I walked backwards to the entryway of my bedroom. "Yeah, well, leave my friends alone, jerk!" I stepped back into my room and slammed the door, locking it. I rolled my chair over to the door and wedged it between the doorknob. My entire body trembled in fear. I was afraid. Tears welled up in my eyes. "Momma, help me," I whimpered.

I'm helpless in this fight against that monster.

God, please help my mom to see Charlie for what he really is— a monster.