Jan. 1999

Dear Diary,

I still can't believe what transpired between Devin and I last night. I can't believe that looking at my skin made him—well...aroused. The way he looked at me will forever be ingrained in my mind. If I'm being honest with myself, I liked the way he seared into me like expensive steak. At least I liked it until he pitched a tent. I completely freaked out because it was something to freak out over. I mean, in truth, I enjoyed him looking at me. It was illicit, brisk but effective. I just didn't enjoy him liking it THAT much...

I feel like such a wonton for soaking in another girl's stare. If only Tae realized how knee-buckling his stares were. Ugh, he drives me insane! I'm still not ready for a physical relationship with him—maybe one day if we ever get married we can go to the stars and back together.

Dear Diary,

Devin and Mr. Liao came over this evening and changed the locks on my door. Mr. Liao supervised Devin while he drilled out the screws of the locks. Anyhow, I was surprised Momma allowed them to do so, but she seems to have no qualms with Mr. Liao as she does with Yoon Mi Rae, which is unfair because best friends are supposed to forgive each other not stay mad over small matters. My mom is under Charlie's spell to be fair, so I can't fully blame her for everything. I love you, Mom, no matter what. I pray God will open her eyes to the demon at her side.

I know she will come around soon enough. She even went to church last Sunday. She came home refreshed and at peace, but then Charlie came in grumbling about work and she was immediately whisked away into his complaints. Speaking of church, I need to go with Mom the next time she goes because my thoughts this morning were sinful and of the devil because of Devin Liao.

Anyways, back to Charlie and what happened earlier—He complained the whole time Devin and Mr. Liao were here, grunting and mumbling snarky comments when Momma went upstairs.

"Even the simplest man knows how to change a lock," Charlie stated.

"But only a wise man knows what locks are used for," Mr. Liao rebutted, holding his callous gaze from the opposite end of the hall. Mr. Liao is so cool.

Devin smirked, he was proud of his dad for taking up for me, which I appreciated. Also, I felt protected by him, because I saw at that moment that Devin had my back. He'd always make sure my lock was working.

Charlie is a complete waste of space. Mr. Liao and Devin focused on the task at hand, ignoring Charlie the rest of the time they were here.

Before Devin left, he placed both keys in my hands, his mood was weird, and he looked like he was in pain. He seemed antsy but wouldn't tell me the reason why he was on edge? He patted the top of my head like I was a kid, and his voice darkened. "If he touches you, I'll kill him. I swear."

I believed him at that moment— that he really would try and kill Charlie.

Feb. 1999

Dear Diary,

It's Valentine's Day. Jared bought me a white rose and a huge teddy bear. I named him Gruffi Gummi after the gummy bear. Not very original but he looks like a leader holding a cute red heart between his hands that says 'I love you,' and he's dressed in a shiny black jacket, wearing shades that barely cover his bulging white eyes.

Okay, but here's the thing: I bought Devin a Valentine's day gift, but then I realized it was probably not ideal to give him a gift since we are both in relationships. But then Maylee told me about Devin's poem he read out loud in class today before handing me the paper in question. In short, Maylee somehow swiped the poem in question. Here's what he wrote:

She's like a warm fudge brownie, my favorite, soft, savory, unapologetic chocolate.

Eyes that light up at things that most roll their eyes at,

A damaged heart that screams out from behind a cage that only she has the key to... but I want to own it.

Cherry blossoms mixing with cool spring air on a cloudless blue sunny day is her smell.

I want to––remember the playground on Preston street?

I scream out in my different language,s "I like you, I like you."

But her ears are covered by cliches and sitcom banter that tell her we are only supposed to be friends.

Bitter-like cold medicine, harder to swallow than a placebo.

I thank God for her, but the devil's at play reminding me every day,

With a blinking neon pink sign bolted to her childish pigtails,

"Friends Only".

We'll never be more than— friends.

It's not poetic in the least, but it's enough to shake me up on the inside and question why I am dating Jared and not this cheesy guy.

Dear Diary,

I had the best picnic with Jared today. It was sweet because it was his idea, but the whole time, I felt like the day was lacking a certain depth that I never used to crave with...dare I say his name?? Jared looks at me with these big, caring eyes, and I can tell he really likes me, and I like him, but it's like I want to love him, and I just can't make myself. Is it because I love someone else? Ugh, I'm just so confused. He held my hand, which I figured would lead to him kissing me later, and it did, because it started to rain, so we ran into a nearby boathouse. Then he started to lean. It was the most romantic moment we've ever shared. And then we kissed. But my mind instantly darted straight to Tae. In some weird way, I felt like I was cheating on him today, even though I really like Jared. Like, a lot. I just didn't feel that certain electricity in my stomach––the butterflies weren't there like I thought they'd be. The only thing I really felt down there was hunger. If I could just push Devin out of my brain––and heart––I think I could let myself love this guy.

One more thing, when Jared talks about his goals to be a mechanical engineer, his whole face lights up with excitement. It's beautiful. It makes me want to search out what I want to do when I graduate.

Dear Diary,

I HATE DEVIN LIAO!!! He scrambled Eggard—the egg I had to care for in home economics! He is such a fart-knocker! Now I'm going to get an F on my project. He apologized and said it was an accident, but I know better; he was trippin' as usual.

Devin scrambled my baby on purpose, psychotic psycho dirtbag! Is that how he's going to treat his kids in the feature? Any girl that lets that dweeb impregnate them is a freaking idiot...I feel sorry for that girl. Anyways, back to life-back to reality. As soon as I told Devin I was partnered with Archie for our baby assignment, Devin's whole attitude changed. We actually argued about it— he wanted me to find another partner, but I told him to mind his business. He accused me of still liking the "nerd" who insulted me in the third grade—as if it's any of his beeswax who I freaking like— and it was THIRD GRADE! Right now, I don't like him. I can tell you that much.

Sorry, I keep getting off topic.

Mrs. Diary, I brought Eggard over to Tae's house for our usual study group on Wednesday nights. After a while, I got up to go stretch and ended up in a brief conversation with Shan in Yoon Mi Rae's sunroom. Eventually, the scent of food drew me away and I left and went in search of food. As soon as I entered the kitchen, I noticed balloon-head Devin pushing eggs around in the skillet. Weird snack, but okay. After he finished cooking the eggs, he poured them onto a plate and served them to his bimbo girlfriend...which wasn't a problem at first. Candice took a cautious bite, fluttering her long lashes at Devin and smiling.

"It tastes wonderful, Devin!" she giggled, leaving pink lipstick on the fork. I don't know why I remember such an unimportant detail just like I don't know why her freaking jean skirt was so darn short and tight. Anyhow, I was about to leave when I saw Eggard's cracked shell in two on the counter next to the stove, his smiley face that I drew on him was smudged—almost saddened. A bit of egg yolk spilled from his body. I slapped the plate out of Candice's hand––freaking cannibal––then locked eyes with my worst nemeses.

"You killed my, Eggard!" I snarled, balling my fist up.

His lips curled into a diabolical smirk, and he shrugged Mrs. Diary! That cocky twerp shrugged!

I felt a calm rage settle over my skin, prickling it with goosebumps.

"You're dead," I screamed at him.

So basically, I chased him around the house and out into the street, throwing punches at him as he jogged backward laughing. Ugh, he drives me nuts!

P.S. He eventually grew tired, caught my fist midair lifted me up by the waist, and spun me around and around. Honestly, Devin drives me insane while driving me more In-Like with him every day. And no, Mrs. Diary, I will not admit to being in L-word with him, so leave me alone.

Dear Diary,

It's crazy how time flies in the blink of an eye. Jared and I have been dating for a month and a half and we went on a date today, no adults, minus Momma dropping us off at Maybrook Zoo. I had a wonderful time! Jared knows a lot about wild animals, like really weird facts such as male penguins, gift female penguins with rocks in order to woo them. And how male elephants leave the herd between the ages of twelve and fifteen and usually live alone. Yeah, every enclosure we walked past he indulged me with information about the animal, it was fascinating that a jock knew that sort of info. It was also cute. Another thing I learned about Jared is that he looked so fine in red, I couldn't help but steal peaks at him every so often until he busted me.

He showered me with affection and kindness, opening doors for me, holding my hand, hugging me, paying for my food along with compliments. Of course, I returned the compliments, admitting to the reason why I couldn't take my eyes off him. He blushed, and it was the sweetest thing. At the end of the date, we found a spot along the edge of a circular stone water fountain that had two elephant statues spouting water on its back in the center of the little pond. We talked about school mostly, and Jared being on the swim and basketball team.

After a while, we sat in silence, people-watching, and then out of nowhere he leaned in and kissed me on the lips. I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights, to be honest. I mean, it was so unexpected! He apologized but did it again, and that time I welcomed it. It was a perfect ending to the date, I didn't even mind that he snapped a picture with his digital camera.

P.S.

No spark.

Mar. 1999

Dear Diary,

It's been extremely hard balancing my friendship with Tae and my relationship with Jared. Jared wants to hang out every day after his practices, which means getting home around nine at night. Sometimes Tae sneaks in through my window and chills until about eleven or so, then leaves. I suspect Jared won't confess to it, but he doesn't want me hanging with Tae if it can be helped. He still avoids talking about my friendship with Tae even though he knows how close we sometimes can be. And I'm sure Candice is fueling the simmering inferno of his mind with her crafty stories. It would benefit her the most if I were out of Tae's life.

Schemer.

Either way, we still do our own thing. I even taught Tae how to grease my scalp and it went horribly! He put a glob of hair grease in the middle of my head all the while complaining about the texture of the grease the whole time. He's such a whiny baby.

I eat dinner at the Liao's once a week. and Yoon Mi Rae's Korean feast never ceases to amaze me! Last night she cooked black bean noodles with a bunch of side dishes called Banchan: pickled radishes, kimchi cucumber, some sort of potatoes. It all was delicious. The best part of all was feeling like a family again. I miss it. The back-and-forth banter between Yoon Mi Rae, Mr. Liao, and Devin is hilarious especially when Yoon Mi Rae gets tired of the both of them and goes off in Korean. Me and Shan looked at each other and laughed under our breath. She bopped Devin a good one for saying her noodles were bland. He thinks everything is bland; I swear he burned his taste buds off somewhere along the way. Though, I wonder, because he loves Mom's chili. Go figure.

Family— seems like a foreign concept in my household at times.

Dear Diary,

Momma has been home on vacation for the past week, so Charlie pretty much stays away from me. I can breathe. Me and Momma went to church today. It's been a while. After, we went to a seafood restaurant and then a nail salon for a mani-pedi. We engaged in mother-daughter talk about Jared, and school (mainly grades), then she asked about my friends. She sees Devin often, so she skipped him. But then something happened that I at first thought I misheard,

"How is Yoon Mi Rae doing?" It was almost like the words burned as they were coming out. Momma was being prideful, but I could also hear the sadness in her voice that she missed her friend.

"You should ask her," I told her with a smile. She smiled back at me and said she would one day soon. That was the best news that I could have ever gotten.

April 1999

Dear Diary,

Devin asked me out on a date. I told him if he won a swim competition against Jared I would go out on a date with him. He challenged Jared to a swim match though Jared has no clue as to the reason why. Jared hates Devin so he'll accept any opportunity to wipe the floor with Devin's handsome little face. Why would Devin ask me out on a date when he's dating Candice? Why did I accept the bet in the first place—I know why. Yet it still bothers me that I'm the other girl. I also wonder if Devin would treat me the way he treats Candice if he found some girl he likes better than me. Anyone can be replaced— just look at how mom replaced dad with that imbecile Charlie. And even knowing this, Mrs. Diary, if Devin wins, I will go on a date with him and if he loses— I will still go because my heart is already there.

Dear Diary,

That cocky little boy across the street lost the competition. It was by a fraction, too. He wore the saddest expression upon exiting the pool. Loser. He had better make this date memorable.

P.S. Just the thought of spending time with Devin by ourselves gives me the best case of butterflies one can imagine.

April 16, 1999,

Dear Diary

My heart is crushed. Yoon Mi Rae and Huan are dead. They got hit by a drunk driver. These tears won't stop falling. My whole soul aches for Tae. How can I comfort him when I'm a mess. I can't write. I can't even hold this pen. I have to go.