it rained. it never rained so heavily ever in February. i was surprised. late night snuggling into my quilt i had been hearing those roaring clouds all nights long. alone.....wondering why western disturbances had become so powerful? why this weather had changed so drastically? why the sweet warm February was going to be icy cold? i was worried. i was very anxious.

and cold February was least of my concern. i didnt give a damn if it would snow tomorrow. i didnt give a damn if whole city sink tomorrow. i didnt even care. but those thunder and storms  were forcing me to think. to wonder if the weather was same in other part of the country. if it was bearable, human there? if he had taken those mittens i gave him. if he had packed an extra windcheater. if he was taking warm milk. if he was alone or with somebody else. 

it was different as how many times my mind would go to him yet i didn't dare and call him. i was scared. i was scared to cross the line. the line of a scared relation. there were boundaries. so many of them. and i wanted to cross each of them. i wanted to stand up and shout. i wanted to rebel. 

i saw his contact in my phone 178th time. my finger slowly slid over his photo. some random click where he was standing against his weird looking car. should i call him. the same question again echoed. and damn if i did dare. i didnt. perhaps i was really a coward......

but only i knew i was not. even though there was this unwritten invisible MoU between us that we would look at each other, care about each other and sometimes cross the line yet i had not dared to call him mine. because many times i was left at some crossroad where everything looked familiar. he had forced me to go where i didnt think i would.

"ohh shit." i had called him. my finger slipped in air and slid across the call icon. my heart was in my hands. and my ears rang. i could hear blood in my ear. everything suddenly seemed to stop. My fingers trembled to even hold the phone steadily. It was cold.... Yet I felt hot. Blood rush surprisingly increased... Keeping me on edge.

With everything in me I prayed to him not to receive my phone call. Yet something in me wanted him to accept this mistake. Something so alien... Something I was not even aware of. I just wanted to hear him... I wanted him to say that he was equally miserable there... Without me. He had missed me. He had yearned to see me. He had waited for this call..... And he wanted to call me for so long.

But given the circumstances it was nothing but a dream. Some fanatasy of mine....

As I had anticipated half heartedly he didn't receive my call. I felt like my prayers were answered yet I was pissed. I got what I wanted yet it was not what I wanted to happen.

Perhaps it was right the way it was. Him not approaching me. Perhaps it would help me in not wasting my time. Perhaps I would grow and learn that whatever we had was not supposed to be so important. We had met somewhere along the road so when our roads parted we had to say good bye. It was not a big deal.

But... For me... It was.

It was a big deal.

It was perhaps bigger deal than anyone could comprehend. I had spent nights in his arms... Turning sides and colliding with his sleeping back. I was once held captive in those arms. I was once under him.

It was all too much to forget. I just could not put my finger on that reset switch to forget every memory of him. I just couldn't.

I decided to give him a call with my consciousness accepting my mistakes. I was going to call him and tell him that I have missed him tremendously all these months. His absence in my life is not a small deal. He has left a big hole. Nobody can fill in. Nobody can. At least not this year.... Or perhaps for the upcoming two or three years..

Before I could call pooja' name appeared on my screen. This late night call woke me up. I was suddenly very much aware of the mistake I was going to commit. Suddenly I felt I had a narrow escape... From a sin.

'Hello.. ' I breathed in.

"What's the issue re? It's such a good weather to cook some spicy food and watch some Netflix. Why are you sulking? "

I kept silent. I didn't know if she knew or if she didn't.

"Woman. Speak up. I can't read mind. Atleast on on the phone."

I laughed a little. But I just couldn't tell her what I had felt just a few moments ago. The euphoria was still washing me up.

"Nothing. Everything is okay. Tu bta. Why did you call me? "

"Are you really alright? Everything is really okay? "

I hummed in response.

"Btw I just called for the recipe of that chicken dish you made for us last time. You remember when we all had come out to bid a goodbye to rajveer sir. You had brought two lunchboxes. That chicken was heaven. Can you please tell me the recipe? I really really crave that. That spicy sour chicken was hella juicy. Heck ! even ali can never cook to your expertise. You're something when it comes to surprises."

I smiled a little and felt like I was pushed back to that damn spring of aorrow I had jaut tried to come out of.

So pooja didn't know....

And I couldn't tell her...

Neither the recipe nor my misery.

"Naina.. Is everything really okay on your side? I am really really worried. If there is something please tell me. I promise I would hear every damn word. I won't even tell ali. Please naina.... I am getting worried here with your silence and half responses. "

I knew she would get my silenece and responses. I never was the one to be silent or be unresponsive like a dead person. I was the most jovial person out of my group. And that habit of my gave me away.

"I am really okay pooja. You... You are just getting worried for nothing. "

"Then utter that God damn recipe for me!"

I didn't speak. Not that I didnt want to but I couldn't. Words didn't come out. They just didn't. I have no idea why....

"Did.... Did something happen between you two? Naina bol na. You guys met one more time before he left, right? Did he say something? Did he hurt you? Did he........ "

I couldn't help but cry. But my muffled cry reached to her. She stooped with her questions. And I couldn't stop with my tears. I just hiccuped and then sobbed.

She kept quite for some time. She let me cry. And when I got a hold of myself... I still wasn't ready to open up.

"I don't judge you naina. Nobody can help anyone when it comes to feelings. I know I don't hold the right of question anyone of you still I want you to know that I am here to hear everything out. You don't have to carry this burden by yourself."

I took a deep breath. I was really miserable. I was really really miserable. For the past month I was not able to focus. I was making mistakes. I had missed a lecture. I had almost broken a cadet' hand. And I almost burned my kitchen up. I was on the verge of either dying or getting thrown out of the academy.

"I.... I don't know how to tell you pooja. It's so complicated... Yet it's not. Before rajveer sir left for his last mission...... We.... Our situation... It just became complicated."

"And how? "

"We...... We slept together."

"Like two kids or like making kids?"

I was silent.

"It's not a big deal. Naina. Everyone in academy knew how badly you guys had crushed on each other. The way he treats you special and the way you treats him special... It's not at all surpaiing that you guys ended up fucking each other."

I cringed when she said 'fucking'.

"Bro. You both are adult enough to have sex. In fact you guys are doing it late. It should have been done and dusted when you people met in academy. When he was our teacher... And when you guys did nothing but eye fucked each other.

Beleive me naina. Sleeping with rajveer sir is nothing but great. It can never be complicated."

"Pooja.....

When we did it........ There was no... No....

We didn't mention about having sex with each other. We never talked about it. I.....

It just happened. We did it a few more times. It was good. But.... .. Other than that sex changed nothing. I still see myself as his protege. I still question myself before making a person call to him. And in past five months he has not given me a single call.''

"The mission was a secret. We all knew that."

"I know nothing pooja. I am just losing my mind day by day. Every night I dream of him. I dream of him touching me. I dream of his laughter.. His smiles.. His hold over me. It haunts me now. Pooja. I can not see brigadier in eyes. Lat week I almost broke a cadet' arm during training. I feel like I crossed a line which I shouldn't. He was my teacher. It was unerhical to sleep with him. And I don't think I can ever make him happy. He deserve a better person. At least a better soldier who doesn't fail his tecahings. Not someone like me who breaks rules and almost ruins his reputation now and then. I..... I don't find myself good enough for him. "

"You really are overthinking. Naina. You guys can sit and talk about it when he comes back. Its nothing complicated. And you really are better than however you judge your self. You are not a failure and you are not the worst one to be with him. Everybody makes mistakes. Not every mistake is a sin.

But you should be happy that you people did slepp together. I could never imagine someone like Rajveer sir taking an initiative to sleep with his student. He would die in embarrassment. "

"I.... I kissed him first."

"How was it? Was he good in bed? Did he really do it better? How many rounds did you guys go? What kind of person is he in bed? Someone who shakes your world with his fingers or someone who rocks the bed with his might? I would say he is more like the last one. I can never-"

"Shut up pooja. He is our teacher for God' sake."

"Correction. He was our teacher.
And you have slept with him already. So basically it is not so forbidden to discuss his performance."

"I.... I won't tell you about it."

She laughed making me smile a little. The burden was slipping little by little. Inch by inch I was feeling less guilty. Less heavy.

"Honestly. You... You people deserve a happy ending naina. No matter whatever you shared in past those months only thing I worry about is that you shouldn't end up like two overthinking people. Don't ruin your happiness man. Sleeping with your ex teacher is worthy enough to break some God damn rule. Heck. That teacher is worthy breaking every God damn rule in academy.

Just take a deep breath. And believe in rajveer sir. Sit with him. talk this out. Take an initiative to hold him before it's too late."

I hummed.

I tried to decide that I would sit and tell him that I wanted to have the whole of him. For myself. I wanted the right. Not because I was insecure.... But because I wanted him. I wanted to have him to take care of him... To give him that purple sweater I tried to knit last month. I wanted to cook him that lsagna I tried three times. I wanted to give him a hair cut. And for everything I wanted to do to him I needed that right....

More than anything.

So I could do nothing but wait for April to come to see him. These thunderstorms in February had to pass for late spring in April.

Continued.............