❛ To somebody new within my heart. I know will never start to smile again until I smile at you. ❜

DEAD POETS SOCIETY
chapter eighteen

IT WAS THE night before Neil's show and just before dinner as all the boys rushed through the halls to get to the dining hall. John sat quietly at his desk, not needing to attend a dinner that evening since it was his free night. Eliza sat in a small chair in the corner of the room, her legs pulled up to her chest as she spent the night with her Uncle helping him grade papers and tell stories of their time in London. Both of them hoped they could make a trip over the break to see his wife.

⠀⠀⠀"Would you like to write a letter to her?" John asked his niece, pointing to the picture of Alyssa he kept on his desk for inspiration.

⠀⠀⠀Eliza smiled kindly at her Uncle, shaking her head.

⠀⠀⠀"I've already written one," she explained, tapping the end of her pen on the envelope set beside her.

⠀⠀⠀"Ah, yes," he nodded, noting it and keeping it in mind for when he next went into town.

⠀⠀⠀At the door, a soft knock came. One Eliza didn't even realize while her Uncle called for whoever was there that the door was open. Neil walked in, looking frazzled and panicked.

⠀⠀⠀"Neil?" Eliza asked worriedly, standing from her chair.

⠀⠀⠀Keating looked up from his work and sent a small, hesitant smile to him, asking, "What's up?"

⠀⠀⠀"Can I speak to you a minute?" Neil asked, scratching the back of his head nervously.

⠀⠀⠀"Certainly. Sit down," Keating assured him, rolling a hand out to the chair beside him stacked with books.

⠀⠀⠀Neil walked to the chair, picking up the books so he could sit, but stood where he was, helpless, not sure where to set them.

⠀⠀⠀Eliza furrowed her dark brows and walked across the room to take the books from him. Neil let out a sigh of relief as she placed them down on a cluttered desk.

⠀⠀⠀"Should I go?" she asked, setting her timid hand just above his elbow and squeezing reassuringly on his arm.

⠀⠀⠀"No, no, it's fine," he said calmly, patting her hand sweetly.

⠀⠀⠀"Get you some tea?" Keating asked as he stood as well to retrieve the teapot and poured a cup for himself.

⠀⠀⠀Neil paused a second before Keating's words clicked in his head, "Tea? Sure."

⠀⠀⠀"Like some milk or sugar in that?" Keating asked him calmly, his demeanor juxtaposing against Neil's antsy nature.

⠀⠀⠀"No thanks," Neil muttered, taking in the small room Keating called his office. "Gosh, they don't give you much room around here."

⠀⠀⠀"No," Keating agreed, looking around too. "It's part of the monastic oath. They don't want worldly things distracting me from my teachings," he explained, handing over the cup of tea to Neil and one to Eliza with her two sugars and some cream. Then the three sat, waiting for Neil to speak.

⠀⠀⠀"She's pretty," he pointed out, distracting himself from the reason he came to Keating.

⠀⠀⠀"She's also in London," Keating stated with a small laugh. "Makes it a little difficult."

⠀⠀⠀"How can you stand it?" Neil asked with a strange passion in his voice while his whole body fell into a slump.

⠀⠀⠀Eliza pushed her chair to join the two boys in a small circle. She sat and took Neil's hand in her own, worried about what had happened. Why he was getting so upset. It couldn't just be nerves for the play coming up so quickly, Eliza concluded.

⠀⠀⠀"You can go anywhere. You can do anything. How can you stand being here?" Neil continued.

⠀⠀⠀That's where Eliza realized Neil was feeling trapped. Before, it was okay because that's just how life was, and he could be sore about it, sure, but now he knew there was an escape from his family and friends and everything wrong in his life. And it was the one thing he couldn't do, trapped by his father, to become something better than him.

⠀⠀⠀"Cause I love teaching," Keating explained, a love-struck smile coming up to his features. "I don't want to be anywhere else."

⠀⠀⠀Neil paused, Keating's words once again clicking into place.

⠀⠀⠀"I just talked to my father," Neil confessed, sighing as the tears sprouted at the edges of his eyes. "He's making me quit the play at Henley Hall."

⠀⠀⠀"Neil," Eliza whispered, squeezing tightly in the hand she held, sparking an exhausted smile out of him.

⠀⠀⠀"Acting is everything to me, but he doesn't know. I can see his point. We're not a rich family like Charlie's, and we... But he's planning the rest of my life for me, and I... He-He's never asked me what I want."

⠀⠀⠀"Have you ever told your father what you just told me? About your passion for acting? You ever show him that?" Keating asked him softly, seeing how much his father's oppression had turned Neil lusting into the freedom he never had.

⠀⠀⠀"I can't."

⠀⠀⠀"Why not?"

⠀⠀⠀"I can't talk to him this way."

⠀⠀⠀"Then you're acting for him, too. You're playing the part of the Dutiful Son. I know this sounds impossible, but you have to talk to him. Show him who you are, what your heart is."

⠀⠀⠀"I know what he'll say," Neil groaned. "He'll tell me that acting's a whim, and I should forget it. That they're counting on me. He'll just tell me to put it out of my mind for my own good," he snapped.

⠀⠀⠀"You are not an indentured servant. If it's not a whim for you, you prove it to him by your conviction and your passion. You show him that, and if he still doesn't believe you... Well, by then, you'll be out of school, and you can do anything you want."

⠀⠀⠀Neil laughed slightly, a tear falling down his cheek that he was quick to wipe away.

⠀⠀⠀"No, what about the play? The show's tomorrow night."

⠀⠀⠀"Well, you have to talk to him before tomorrow night."

⠀⠀⠀"Isn't there an easier way?"

⠀⠀⠀"No."

⠀⠀⠀Neil laughed sadly, turning to look at Eliza, confirming what she had been thinking, "I'm trapped," he croaked, shrugging his shoulders.

⠀⠀⠀"No," Keating insisted. "You're not."

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

I'm not crying, you're crying because we all know how this ends. 

And yet, we don't...

Things may go as a bit unexpected but not all things, sadly. I want to stay true to Dead Poets Society and how it ended (although, to be honest I don't really understand why Neil killed himself. I feel like they should have showed more of that side to him before killing him off) but anyways . . .

SONG: I'll Never Smile Again by The Platters

Thank you for reading! Leave comments telling me your thoughts on this chapter, but however you interact, know that I really appreciate you reading. I hope you enjoy, and until the next one.