━━━━━━━━━┈♕┈━━━━━━━━

❝What defines us now is not how
we fall but, how we land.❞

•••

(THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER OF
'FETISH' CONTAINS SIGHTLY TRIGGERING CONTENT AN
ADVISE TO THE READERS, BE CAREFUL. IF IN ANY STATE OF DISCOMFORT I SUGGEST YOU TO SKIP SOME PARTS OF THE CHAPTER)

C H A P T E R
XIX

IF YOU CAN CHANGE the past, what time do you want to go back to? I never answered that question, and I realized the truth only after wandering around and getting lost in the past for a long time, time which I would like to forget. There is no special favour like that in this world, life always runs past you, I repeat another failure and regret it again.

The night was bitterly cold, the air laced with frost that stung the nose and chilled the teeth. I pulled my jacket around myself closely, pressing my numb lips to together a futile effort to warm them. Nodding his head in a slow manner he indicated for me to step forward, and yet somehow I was resilient to the notion.

Displaying his hand forward, Jeon stepped forward making my breath to hitch. A moment of silence clashed against our thoughts, as I stared into his chocolate eyes knowing nothingness, I was glad to have him here but I was not selfish to let him stay, swallowing I brought my hand sliding it hesitantly into his warm ones, I felt him squeeze on to it making my heart to beat erratically.

"I should go with you," he whispered hastily, his other hand travelled down to my waist pulling me in against him. My eyes burned now with unwanted tears as stealing a lazy glance at his face, I pulled away pressing my hand at the centre of the man's chest.

I dropped my head low, no willpower left within me to meet his gaze, as swallowing the sob I held myself to say.

"I always wondered why you know too much about me. I was young then, so I thought may be you liked me so," he didn't let me finish bringing his hand to my face he cradled it making me to look up.

"Aria, baby you're hurt-"

His eyes meeting mine, in that very moment I wanted nothing but to be in his embrace. But I shivered, stepping two feets away.

"Listen to me for what I'm about to say next. You've been through so much because of my brother and now-I can't use you for my selfish reasons, even if it hurts me to ask you to leave me. I don't think I ever want you to think less of me, from what ever happens now please don't take part in it. Even if I'm homeless or broken I don't want you to see me that way, think of me like you always do, but just don't pity me I've had enough of it my whole life."

His eyes dazzled with sorrow, as he pushed his hair back stepping back exhaling, then stepping forward again he tried reaching for my hand but I pulled back.

"You don't know what you're asking for," he groaned against my skin, leaning against half my body, our shadows forming in together like one, single existence but I shivered at the thought turning my face away from him.

"You caused a commotion today in the cafeteria, because of me. You defended me from those girls lowering yourself, you did all of this just for me and you'll be always acting upon such way."

I said, my lips trembling from holding myself from crying. I inhaled the cold breeze like brandy served for feast as he stared animalistic.

"That should be the least of your concern right now," he growled against my skin, my body trembled against his as breathed in to the scent of his.

"You never wanted any of this, Alex may have been your friend, Jeon but I'm nothing so it's better if you don't stay with me," I breathed, he sighed against my face knuckles turning pale, as he pushed back moving four away giving my chance to breath again.

"You're telling me this after eight years of knowing each other." I knew it wasn't a question, it was rather like a compliant but not to me almost to himself.

"There were so many things you wanted to do, but look what you've turned into. This basketball games and hanging around with the wrong type of boys, lazy mornings this is what I see in you" I felt my heart getting heavier my breath getting shallow,"but you're always worried, uneasy taking responsibility for my mess, my fucked up life," I added finally, standing to my feet I found a little strength in me as I turned to face him.

"We need to move on, Jeon you need to let go of me.

"Last time you asked me to keep my distance, I didn't this time you ask- to...to almost let you go which is harder than that, why are you always the one deciding what happens to us?"

His voice sounding angry, as he turn around facing fully towards me and then I saw those angry tears, don't tell me that's why he turned away he have been holding his tears the whole time? My eyes softened for few seconds but then I pulled myself together, eyes fuming I walked nearer to him.

"Because there is nothing between us," the words slipped out of my tongue lazily, wicked, sinisterly he brought his hand to his face laughing loud with mockery.

"That night you told me you loved me."

He reflected out loud, lips pressed thinly as he watched me waiting for my reply, with his eagle eyes swallowing me through. I struggled not to be attested by the sight of him.

"Love is not for us," I spoke, in a simple whisper. His eye brows arched hearing my response.

"I do feel for you but it's not love, but it doesn't me we can't-"

His nostrils flared as he spoke, unable to find any further words he groaned with frustration. Realising his words only harmed me more, he shut up his stare fixed upon me.

"That is why love is not for us." I spoke the last words turning away, a faint smile at the corner of my lips, hugging myself I walked slowly daring enough to not turn around, my heart wavered, my belly ached I felt nauseous knowing he was still watching me, and he would be always watching but; not in the same way anymore.

We were not meant to be the reality was harsh but, it was after all reality.

•••

As I reached near the living room, the lights were off leaving only the thin traces of moonlight that peaked through the shutters to guide me, I took a breath my feet ached, as walked further into the house there was utter silence, leaving nothing but emptiness to swallow me whole.

The minute I entered, I knew something was wrong, even with my gone the house was never this quieter before, the terrifying voidness slowly filling my lungs up with anxiety, as I breathed harshly.

My steps cautious as I feared for the worst, looking up towards the stairway I noticed that the night lamp in one of the rooms upstairs was on, a sign that she was after all at home. That's why my breath turned shallow, I rushed forward, walking towards the stairway.

The thrusting of something to be crashed under my feet halted my steps as with widened eyes, I looked down it was a broken vase. As long as I remembered it was her favourite. My mother loved filling it with fresh lavenders every one a week. A frown formed of my face.

Something must be wrong.

"Mother?" I called, my voice showing my fear with it as rushed towards the stairs when no reply was heard.

Tears threatened to fill me as with a racing heart, I reached towards her bedroom, the door was open but I couldn't find her, her bed was undone and sheets were messy. The pillows were on the floor, along with some of her clothes and the very few pictures frames that always was the first thing anyone would notice when one would enter her room, were now scattered on the floor, her room was a havoc.

"M...moth..er," my gaze fell upon the bathroom door it was slightly half opened the lights were on, feeling the worst of this situation I rushed like an animal towards it.

Swallowing a large lump, my body fell to my feet as my eyes rested upon her unconscious self lying in the bathtub with her work attire still on, I couldn't bring myself to turn away or even think for a second about anything, taking a few steps I shut my eyes close my hand pressed over my mouth, as I trembled preparing myself slowly, I finally managed to step in through the threshold of her bathroom, the mirror was broken, with it's pieces lying around, even though the sight had me have a panic attack I still forced myself to stand up, breathing harshly I pushed myself in.

"Mother," I shuddered taking her face between my hands, I leaned against the tub as tears continued to fall through my eyes, it was getting harder for me to breathe seeing her like that.

"Mother talk to me, open your eyes," my hands were trembling when I slowly reach for her, it was only then I noticed the empty pill bottle clutched into her fist, this was not all there were cut marks on her forearm, the very sight of it had me loose my balance as with a frightening gaze I fell back.

She tried to harm herself, oh mother, mother what have you done.

"I will not...let anything happen," even though I knew no reply would be heard I still straighten myself kneeling on my knees I took her other hand, praying to God for the better, eyes closed tightly with fear and anxiety, as I pressed two of my fingers against her veins and it was then I felt, the very peculiar sensation almost like a few drops of water falling from a tap. My eyes sting with tears as hardly smiling I pulled myself up.

She was alive. Was the first thing that came to my mind, I was not sure what I felt at that moment bit it was like a bee have stung me, and suddenly I felt myself to be in so much pain, lord knows if anything would've happened to her I wouldn't have forgiven myself. A part of me felt different, this feeling was totally different, I've never felt this way for my mother. May be it was my prejudice that held me back all those years, but now I was willing to let it go-anything to heal her back, to make her happy.

"Mother, I'm calling for someone, please hold it there," I spoke almost to myself as taking a deep breath, facing away from her I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket.

It was almost like an instinct when I pressed over Jeon's number, then memories rushed back and forcing me to back off, after what happened today I could not call him, it was unfair blinking I stared at my phone screen not knowing who to call, then slowly I raised the phone, pressing my thumb against the contact I brought the phone closer to my ear.

After three bells he finally picked up, I took a deep breath tears now falling from my eyes for some reason when I heard him call my name out, it was comforting to hear someone speak back to me.

"Aria are you crying what's wrong?," I could sense the tension in his voice filled with concerns as I heard shuffling of the bedsheets, the soft groan.

Oh, God. I didn't even know what I was doing. How am I going to tell him.

"Tae...hyung," then there it was my voice, quiet like a dying bird, painful.

"You're scaring me, love tell me what's the matter why are you so frightened?" Taehyung asks, his voice comforting it soothed my heart making me feel somehow safe.

"It's my mom, she's not alright I need to take her to the hospital. I can't drive I'm too frightened can you call the ambulance and arrive here?"

I was not stuttering for some reason, when I spoke to him. I was myself, speaking in a clear voice knowing if I stutter it would only waste further of our time, and I needed him to be here quick.

There was a long pause from the other, for a minute it scared me, fearing what if he refuses but then a part of me still believed he won't, Taehyung won't ever.

"Be alright, Aria I'm on my way," was the last thing I heard him murmur before the line was hung up, I drop myself to the ground my sore back leaned against the cold wall of the bathtub.

He was coming- a faint smile crept across my lips, as sighing I shut my eyes, thinking. He didn't even ask what was wrong, he agreed just like that, he was so willing, he's always so willing to do what I ask him to. If it were someone else he would've asked what was wrong, without any moment of hesitation. I knew Taehyung respected, and may be that's why he didn't feel in the need to ask me.

Sniffing, I rose up facing towards my mother, I ran my fingers through her hair gathering, the silky hair in my hand, I twisted it into a untidy bun, before pulling out the hair tie from my hair, I smiled looking at her lovingly, before tying it with it. I needed this mess, I also needed something to cover her cut marks, so I rushed to the room going through her closet my eyes, searched for something decent until they landed on the coat, taking it off its hanger I rushed back to the bathroom.

This will do-I thought of, as I made her wear the coat. I didn't want people to think less of her, more particularly I didn't want Taehyung to see her like this, he have a bond with her. They have a better understanding, and she adores him. By the time I done there was a ring at the door, indicating that he was finally here and may also was the ambulance.

Suddenly it was as if-life seemed to precious to me; as it were never before.

TO BE CONTINUED

Author's note:

First of all everyone I'm sorry for disappearing so abruptly. I need some ME. time to freshen my mind, and clear my head with insecurities and negativity. But now I'm back and I promise to update more frequently.

If you are here, and still here reading
I

LOVE YOU💞

Stay precious as you are to me and remember to smile ♥

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Love,
shafaq-Shapel♥