It's nerve-wracking, that's what it is! He took his time stirring the hot tea while he waits for the reply from Marco - hiding in the kitchen as Lisa gets herself comfortable with the dining area. What - how - how is she here? Exactly here - right fucking now?? How did she find me - it could only be her father cus no one else knew where I am -

His phone buzzed, finally receiving the message he's been waiting for.

Marco B - Lisa:
Yes, Jungkook-ssi
I told her
I'm under a lot of distress with my own woman
for the past 2 days
I can't solve 2 women at one time
especially when the other's problem 
isn't about me
So I suggest you deal with your lady
while I try to calm my own

What?? That's all he can say? Marco you - you ugh!! Help me!!

"It sure took you a long time to make a simple tea," His shoulders jumped slightly at the sound of her voice behind him. "Wonder how long it'll take if I order say...a sugar-free vanilla latte with caramel drizzles on top,"

"I uh..." He locked his phone and plastered a smile. "It'll be around the same time I think...cus no sugar right?" He tried joking - which clearly failed as she didn't even flinch! "It's weird that you'd ask for sugar-free but added on the caramel," He tries another lame tact. 

"You keep on insulting me...some would think you actually, really don't want me around," She rolled her eyes and went back to the dining area. 

Aish...fuck me and my shitty lines!! She looked hot as hell when she did that though so am I winning? Fuck - stop it! But shit, she's really mad - is she gonna kill me? Am I gonna die today cus I know for sure that if she attacks me, I won't be doing anything other than letting her whole-heartedly! Take my damn life - it's already yours anyway!

Jungkook took a deep breath before taking the mug out to her. He placed it carefully on the table she'd chosen, and took the seat in front of her. He played with his knotted fingers while she stares out the windowpane, and he took the time to absorb her presence. 

Her face - as serious and stern as it was - is still cute and beautiful. Her hair seems longer than he could remember, but it's still looked soft and beautiful. Her slender and strong shoulders hunched a little, but the skin revealed from her neck to her collarbones are still glowingly delicate and beautiful. He didn't notice the duffle bag laid by her side when she first got here before - but just like her and maybe because it's hers, it's beautiful too.

"So...mind telling what I deserved to hear?" She broke the silence between them. "Or was everything just on the text you sent?"

Jungkook couldn't find the right answer. Partly because he wasn't sure how much she knew from Marco, and even if she does mean literally about his last text message, he knew no words would ever sound right. 

"Jungkook...if you ever loved me at all -" Past tense. 'At all'. Both are far from true. "Please help me. Tell me the truth and release me from all these wonderings - I've spent nights wondering everything about you! Nothing ever made sense and you kept on leaving me doesn't make sense cus you kept on telling me, showing me how much you loved me -"

"I still love you," He breathed, shutting his eyes because it's too painful to hear her pleading sobs. "Don't...say like it's in the past. I still love you, and I'll always will - I told you that,"

Jungkook opened his eyes and saw how she wiped a tear that fell off her left cheek and crossed her arms on her chest. He stares at her while she looks back to the nothingness outside, and he can't help but realized how tired she looked. It's in her eyes...those beautiful, mesmerizing, round eyes... and he beats himself up for putting it there.

"Promise me you'll stay the night," He sighed in defeat. "It's late...I don't want you to run off in the middle of the night. Your parents will be worried too,"

"Yes...by the way, it's good to see how well you got along with my dad," He knew she was being sarcastic but he smiled anyway. "You came to Seoul and saw me...didn't you?"

"I um...yes...I did. I wanted to maybe ask if um...if you'd like to come here but -" He stares down to his fingers to start off, awkwardly trying to find the right words to say. Was it this hard when he confessed to Marco before? He couldn't remember. "I'm sorry. I haven't been completely honest with you...about who I was. I couldn't because I knew I'd scare you away, and I didn't want that. I wanted you to like me...I'm sorry for being selfish at that,"

When he didn't hear her say anything, he continues. 

"What I told you...about appa and eomma Kim? Everything about it was true...except for the last. Eomma didn't kill him...I did. He'd been beating her a lot...and he asked me to hold a gun to point at her as he usually would. But it got so bad that day that I couldn't help it. I was so angry and I couldn't control it. So I pulled the trigger...at him," There are no recognition or even gasps that he expected to hear. There's nothing. 

"Eomma pulled every strength she had to get up. She started running around - gathering things - and before I knew it, she handed me the bag and asked me to run. She told me to never say a word to anyone...keep it to my grave, she said. And being the naive and wimp that I was, I ran. She took the fall for me and was sent to prison for what I did,"

"When I got to Daegu - I um...I told you about the internet cafe. I went in and asked for a job there. The man who hired me...he was taking care of the place, but the owner was actually another man from China. Mr Chua. He would drop in to check on things every 2 or 3 weeks...always nice to me. He found out that I was alone and that I was good at playing games and the computers, so he taught me a lot about purchasing stuff for him online. It wasn't long until I found out that he'd been running some illegal activities and the internet cafe was just a cover-up for him to visit. One of them anyways," He looks up briefly and caught Lisa's eyes on him, listening attentively. Then he looks back down again.

"When I asked him, he laughed. He asked me if I knew the ways to get eomma out of prison. He said money - money would get her out of prison quicker than her actual sentence. It sort of got me determined at that point. It's not true but I was young and stupid, and I believed him. He asked what I would do to get it - if I'm really serious about it, then he'll help me. I said yes, and he started putting me into street fights. Sort of like an underground betting match. That's where I learned to fight with my hands. There wasn't a lot of money in there - he'd take 70% and gave me the rest,"

"One day, he told me someone was threatening him and he asked if I would like to make 1 million won. At that point, I was living in an old, abandoned hut - I ate only once a day, so I thought with that amount I could rent a room and eat properly. He gave me a time and place and asked me to shoot the guy. I did...with one bullet. He thought he saw the skills, so he gave me a passcode to this network...in the dark web,"

"He said if I wanted to make more money, I could find good jobs there. I looked through it - took some time for me to understand it - then I told him that it's mostly wire-transferred. I didn't have a bank account and he said I wasn't supposed to have it cus police were still looking for a missing child from Busan. I had my original documents with me - eomma packed everything. So he made one for me - it's a non-traceable account in Austria. I've been using that account ever since,"

"For what?" She asked - the very first question since he started talking about himself. It's a wonder that she asked that and not about the killings earlier!

"For anything...up until now - your dad opened a local bank account for me so I started transferring it out. When you asked me...you know, about moving to Canada with you? It's not cus I didn't want to, it's cus I couldn't. I've been using fake IDs and - and I wasn't registered anywhere, not even for my house rentals. I can't simply create a passport for someone who hadn't exist for the last 8 years. Not without notifying the officials -"

"Okay...and why didn't you use your own name? Why didn't you wanna be found?"

"Cus I...after a while, when I realized it, I couldn't risk of them finding out about the account - in case they ran the search, they'd find out -"

"Find out what? That you have a bank account overseas? I thought it's untraceable?"

"Not just that - that I..." He sighed again. Come on...you've come this far, just tell her!! "They'll run an investigation - where I've been, what I've been doing. I couldn't risk them finding out,"

"Finding out what, Jungkook?"

"That I killed appa Kim...and Mr Chua - and a whole list of people for sums of money,"

Finally, he heard the first gasp. "You...are you like...in a gang?"

"No...I work alone. I'm a hitman, Lisa. The site - anyone who had access to it can post a job of who they wanted dead. They'd pay big money for it and an assassin like me - who no one knows who or where we come from - would put a bidding to it. Whoever bids the highest will get the job -"

"Wait, such things exist?? And why would you even have to put money to get a job -" Wow...her priorities are amazing!

"In case you failed or chickened-out. You put bidding in - that's kinda like a deposit. You'll get it back once the job is confirmed done, along with the price promised for the job,"

"Oh..." Her mouth formed a pout. "Wait, you said you killed Mr Chua...why?"

"Cus he started controlling my 'incomes' and threatened to call the cops on me a couple of times. He was the only person who knew about my 'work' and he wanted to hand me over if I didn't give him what he wanted. Which was still the 70-30. We got into an argument and he held a gun to me, so I stabbed him. It was before I moved to Seoul,"

"Oh..." Seriously, I don't think she's fully digested everything yet! "And that's where you found out about my dad?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I couldn't just simply come out and tell you..." He shook his head slightly. "I had a lot of things on my mind at that time. I didn't wanna make you cry, or leave you...but I knew I couldn't go where you wanted me to. And when I saw his name on the board, I just...the thought of you crying for losing your dad that way was unimaginable. So I contacted him, met up with him. I confessed everything - it's the only way for him to believe that the site exists. And we made the plan. We couldn't tell you about it cus he didn't want you to worry - I didn't want you to worry as well. And I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you at the time...and that you had to hear the news that way. I...we didn't expect that at all, and I'm sorry,"

She was drowned in her silence, trying to puzzle everything together. When she looks back up, he saw the glint of tears in her eyes. 

"So...so I was right. I didn't know you,"

Jungkook pursed his lips. He wanted to say that she does - that everything he had shown her all the while they were together was his own self - but he couldn't. After everything that he has shared tonight, it is now up to her to decide. He couldn't convince her otherwise, knowing that it will just be for his own assurance to not feel the guilt.

"I um...I'm sorry. For keeping these things from you. I knew from the very start that I never deserved it - I never deserved you. But you were the first to help me...after so long of being invisible, you were the first to show me kindness...and I got a little greedy. I knew I fell in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you. You were brave, much braver than I could ever be. And everything about you just...made me forget. Who I really was, where I came from, and what I've become. I wanted to be better..and I wanted so much to forget...I'm sorry that I made you trust a selfish monster like me,"

His lips quivered as he tried to suppress the raging emotions, desperate to be let out. The torture is too overwhelming. He could feel the scars of the shot wounds pounding again as the throbbing pain in his chest grew with each second passing by without her saying a word. 

I'm giving her the freedom she wanted. The answers she's been looking for. Everything is now on the table, just waiting for her to push and scatter them all over the floor. But she didn't. Instead, she pushes the knives back into his chest, letting them rot there by themselves. 

"Just tell me where I can sleep for tonight," She can't even look at him.

...

It should be the strangest feeling to be here - spending the night in a murderer's house and thinking it would be safer than the world outside. She's not sure why...but as she lays on Jungkook's bed and came up about all the possible scenarios of what could have happened out there, her mind would still say that here is the safest.

Well, at least I know the truth now! His behaviour is now justified. This is the big secret he kept and now I know it. That's what I wanted...right?

She shifts to lie on her side, staring out the balcony through the sheer white curtains. She can't see the view outside but the hint of moonbeams falls just right on a white rug on the floor behind the sliding doors. It looks like the same rug he had when they had dinner in his old house in Seoul. It was where they shared their first kiss.

She expected a lot of things by coming here...things that almost made her turn back around a couple of times, such as finding another young woman in the house clinging onto him or being chased out the moment she appeared on his doorstep. But not this - no...she definitely didn't expect to hear him say that he's an assassin who had killed many men, including his adopted father.

She wonders if everything that has happened in his life - the training in the forest, the abuse at home...the desperation by being left alone - had brought him to do all those unimaginable things. It's probably stemmed from there, yes. It was something he knows, and definitely something he'd been trained to do. It was clear when she saw how he attacked those men at the warehouse!

The fact that he knows more about that world than the world Lisa is in scares her. He was so good at it, even her father said so! He mentioned that he had offered Jungkook a job in the force, but he politely declined. Lisa didn't know much about what it really takes to be in it, but she knew that her father wouldn't have offered it if he didn't think it would be fitting.

Yes...dad really adores him. She could see it in the way he spoke about Jungkook - that there were admiration and regrets in his eyes. That's why he's been looking out for the guy - she knew that now. It must be a way for him to know that Jungkook would make the right choices in his life and not fall into that world again. It's kind of a new sight to be seeing, as her father would always do the right thing when it comes to serving justice.

The image of Jungkook leaving the room earlier came into mind. He told her that his mother is sleeping in the next room. It's quite impressive - and cute - for her to witness how much he cared for Mrs Kim as he tiptoed slowly passing her bedroom, but Lisa didn't let it translate to her expressions. She thinks it's because she was still very shocked and upset over the unwelcome revelation of tonight. 

She watched in silence as he grabbed a few necessities and a small pillow, not once he dared to look up to her. When he passed by to leave, he whispered a soft 'goodnight, Lisa'. It's weird that she felt as if she should break down and cry, but she didn't. Up until now, she still hadn't shed a single tear over his confession. 

Which brings her to the next question - why does she feel ambivalent towards him being a 'killer'? It's as if she's reading a story from a book, but failed to connect with the character. The only emotion she could confirm with for the past few hours is that she's upset. Upset that he had been keeping this from her. Upset that he made those decisions - to leave her house that night and plan the whole ordeal with her father - without acknowledging how she would feel if something bad happens to him. 

Yes, he saved my father and me - but what if the bullets struck his heart instead, how would that leave me? Then he had the nerve to send that text - that last text - and left me again, only to watch me from afar - that was so rude!! Now he lets me think that he's some sort of psychopathic monster -

He's not...he's...he's far from that - I know it!! Why can't he see it? Why did he agree with me and - and said that he's a monster? Why can't he stand up for himself - tell me that he had taken himself out from that world and that he'll be here with me?? I came here...all the way...was it for nothing? He's gonna let me leave tomorrow with these thoughts - or does he not see that I'm not scared of him??

The tears started streaming down her face, as the thoughts started shouting in her mind. One by one, they begged her entire body to shake and shudder. Jungkook being a killer - as unpredictable as it was - had failed to change both her mind and heart. If anything, it only made them stronger. She wasn't as scared of him as she is scared to be losing him again.

...

Jungkook stared up to the open moon as he felt another set of tears running down his neck. He knew he'd be a sobbing mess, so he took his time in the backyard. Resting himself down on the deckchair, he succumbed to the violent turmoil in his chest. His tears kept falling - forcing its way out, desperate to release an elemental rage on the world.

'I didn't know you'... 

He replayed her voice over and over again in his mind - thinking of the things he could've said to change her mind but up until now, it still wouldn't sound as right. How could he assure her when he had literally kept the big part of his life a secret until now?

Why must it be like this? What did I do - what have I done to be living like this?! God - why do you hate me so much?! My world had vanished a long time ago - you took it away and left me with nothing! You brought her to me and now you're claiming her back??

The worst is...I can't imagine how painful it must've been for her. To find that she'd been spending all her time and efforts over a monster like me. She trusted me...she loved me...and now - now she finally sees that I didn't deserve it...as much as I wanted to.

Just like the moon that's always missing the sun, Jungkook finds his heart feeling the loneliest that it has ever been. I have eomma...I have eomma now, so it will be okay. The thought helps a little, although he still can't fill the hollow abyss that's beginning to appear more visible than ever. 

It will always be like this - the choices that I made, the mistakes I've done...I can never redeem it. They'll always be here, haunting me. My life will always long for something I can't reach -

He saw a glimpse of her behind his blurred vision, and he almost thought that it was his own imagination before he felt her body climbing - sitting on him. Her arms circled around his neck and she leans in, resting her chin on the base of his neck. Jungkook froze - trying to gather his thoughts by her sudden appearance and actions.

"I'm not scared of you," He heard her soft whisper.

"W-what?" His voice came out croaky from crying too much.

"It doesn't matter if you think you're a monster. I know you...I'm not scared of you,"

It came like a hurricane - more violent than any storms. His cry became sharp - louder and harsher - as he processed the tender words from her. Emotional, raw pain came out of his every pore. It's probably the most heart-wrenching tears that had ever escaped his eyes, and he can't do anything to stop it. He braved himself to clutch around her waist, not wanting to let go. 

Shh... 

Her soft whispers are pleading to be heard. He felt her palm rubbing the back of his neck, trying to calm the sorrows he felt. His screaming sobs are only interrupted by the need to draw breath. 

It's not who you are...

It grows louder and louder, breaking and turning his own thoughts and world into a blur. He could feel it slowly unraveling, seeing it as if it's first time - the threads of happy memories he never could recall when he was a child...and the longing which filled his chest when he was with Lisa.  

I'm here now...I'm here for you...

His fingers trembled as he holds her tighter. Her words are altering the darkness surrounding him and slowly...finally, he could see some light appearing - as if welcoming him to a path of freedom. Jungkook cried like his spirit needed to break loose so it could run to the end with all its might. 

It's all in the past...please...don't go back there. Please come back to me.

...