Jungkook fiddles with the top of the whisky glass, following the outline with the tip of his index finger and sometimes tapping on it - as if it could calm his sorrowful heart. He could feel the anxiety and despair crawling over his body along with the warmth of the alcohol. It wasn't new to be feeling like this, but somehow it's by far the most uncomfortable. 

There's no safe place anymore. Everything in the space reminds him of her - the bed, the kitchen, the shower...they all had curses, ready to shoot at him. His own house felt unwelcoming and alien, so he sat in the darkness of his balcony. The view is unlike before - where it contains images and memories of Lisa. They've never eaten out here since he moved, and now they never will. 

He could hear his subconscious clearly - both laughing and pleading to him. A part of him is saying 'I told you so', while the other is asking him to reconsider. He didn't want to believe it, but what are there to even consider? It's just not in his control - nothing ever was, aside from picking up the gun in order to live. 

To get a passport, he needs to be a registered citizen. Jeon Jungkook had been non-existent for 8 years now. He's been living in those 8 years under multiple names, just long enough to rent a property and get through his job. He doesn't have a local bank account. The only ones that know of his real identity now are Lisa, her friends, and the untraceable bank in Austria. 

Of course, he could start anew...it was the most ideal plan but it'll take longer than a year, that's for sure! He could slowly resurface. Interpol might have a few questions, but he wouldn't mind lying his way around if it means he could keep Lisa in his life. That was the plan...but he couldn't let Lisa know of it. 

He knew he needed to have more solid identification and documents for buying the property in Jeju. Before the relationship, he thought he would do it the same way as how he'd done before. Forge a few to gain the trust. But since Lisa's in his life, he didn't want to risk it. What's going to happen if she keeps finding someone else's name on the official documents of the property?

So he made a new plan, which is to set up a bank account here and slowly transferring all his money in - as if he receives an actual salary every month. He had filled in the required documents to open one, now all it takes is showing up at the bank. But now...now it seems like none of it matters.

He can't stop her from leaving - no, it would be unfair for her if he asks. It's for her future, and she seems excited about it. Nervous, but excited. No wonder she went through the extra mile for the dinner...it was definitely a surprise! 

Canada...he wouldn't mind going anywhere in this world, as long as he gets to be with her. It would've been a beautiful life...just as it's been since they were together. But it sounds almost impossible - especially when his mind was a messy tangle, trying to figure out who his neighbor is! The sound of her pleading voice and sobs came back into mind and Jungkook finished the whole glass to drown it.

Didn't work - fuck - I'm such an asshole!! I made her cry...she tried so hard, and all I could do was making her cry! I don't deserve her, I never did! This is all my life's gonna be - no matter how I try to change, I can never run from it!

He resists the urge to throw his glass across the balcony, and his dried eyes welled up again. 

...

"There must be something else...not having a passport is a ridiculous excuse!" Jennie rolled her eyes. Of course, Lisa knew this.

"What could it be though?" Jisoo leans forward. "It's so weird - it's like he doesn't have anything to lose but he acts like it. His work is online. Fine, he's anti-social but it's not like you're going to Ibiza or something where every freaking day and night is a party - this is Canada! It's one of the quietest and peaceful countries in the world, I doubt that he won't fit in there! And it's not like he has anyone to look out for here -"

Chaeyoung gasped all of a sudden. "Oh my God, what if he does have a family that you never knew of?! What if he's actually married and has kids here?"

"Chae, be real -" 

"What? It could make sense, you know? I mean, who looks like that and never had a girlfriend before?? It's like he's been living in a cave but knew his way around - so maybe he does know his way around? Maybe he's been lying to you -"

"They're together every day and every night for the past 3 months - do you think he'd be so committed if he has another family behind?" Jisoo's annoyance is shown in her voice. 

"Maybe his family is someplace else, we don't know! Maybe he's alone here in the pretext of 'work' -"

"Chae, stop talking!!" 

She hears all the mutterings and arguments, but she couldn't bring her face up to pay attention. Nothing...nothing makes sense. They were happy and fine just a minute before. He was hugging her, telling her that he's all hers...and a few minutes after he left. He never came back. He didn't call nor did he pick up when she called. He didn't reply to any of her messages either. 

What's happening? It's been a day and she still couldn't figure it out. Her heart is breaking by the second and the longer she doesn't hear from him, the more painful it gets! Was that the end of us? Is he not going to find her, tell her he's sorry that he left and he'll never do it again? He promised not to run from me...but he did. 

Yeah, I said things I don't mean but...was it really that easy for him to leave?

"Lisa-yaa...don't get caught up in all these assumptions, okay? I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems," Jennie gently held Lisa by the wrist, snapping her back to the present.

"Yeah...I mean...of course! It's probably nothing. It was just our first fight, that's all. He'll come back when he's ready...right?" She smiled in her stutter, with one hand holding tightly to the moon-shaped necklace Jungkook gifted her on their one-month anniversary.

...

He lays still, staring at the ceiling while battling with his desperation. His hands twitched every time his phone rings or buzzes, but he held it in fists so he won't betray his better judgment. He's desperate not to lose her, but he doesn't know what to do next. 

I need to see her. To talk to her. To touch her and taste her again - but no, what good would it do?! We'll be together until I fuck things up again, and she'll cry even harder than before! 

Jungkook felt another drop of tears running down to his ear. He's used to the physical pain, but it's nothing compared to the sad and lonely feelings in his chest. It's like the more he tried searching for an answer to be with her, the more reasons his mind would come up to why he shouldn't. The alcohol failed to help - he hadn't been able to sleep the entire night and day and at this point, he blames whatever the hell it was that lined up this so-called destiny!

This is one hell of a joke to you, isn't it? You hate me so much that you made me do all those things - all the temptations and all the sins - just so you can decide what kind of monster I am! Then you brought her to me - in all her beauty and kindness, all her perfection - just so you can laugh about it when you decide to take it away! You made me think I deserved it...when I don't! I was fine - I knew I'd end up in hell for all the things I've done! You didn't have to do that to make me suffer, I've been suffering all my life!! 

He began sobbing hard at the miasma of sadness surrounding him. 

It was all for nothing...I was never meant to be anything other than this! 

The flashback started coming back - from his last victim, all the way to Mr Kim - taunting him with their last images, right before he ended them. Sometimes he wondered if he will ever recall the events differently. Maybe he'd realize that he hadn't in fact done the terrible things he thought he had. The past 3 months with Lisa had made the rest of his life seemed like a bad dream. He almost believed that it was too!

What do you want me to do?! Just tell me what I should do! Do I end myself? Give me a sign - just one sign so I can know what I should do to satisfy you!!

...

Lisa began knocking on the door furiously. He's here...I know he's here! Still, no sounds can be heard from inside. His motorbike is parked in the basement - I checked! So he must be here! 

"Jungkook," She began sobbing hard as tears streams down her face. "Please...I know you're in there - just please let me in! Please talk to me!"

It's too painful. Her heart had been empty, not knowing where she belongs now and not knowing how he is. She already gave him enough space and time to cool down - it's been 2 days! Why hadn't he respond to anything she sent? Did she really go overboard with her insults? Does he hate her now? 

"Please...I'm sorry about what I said - I didn't mean it, you have to know that! I - I'll move to Jeju with you! I'll go anywhere with you, I promise!! Just please...open the door..." 

She cried, hopelessly leaning her forehead on the door. The heartache is more than she could bear. Her love had been unattended...unrequited...and she's now left with only desperation. 

"I love you...so much. You're hurting me - please!! Just talk to me Jungkook!!" She banged it with her fist and her hands shake with anxiety. 

Does he really not care about me anymore? Does he not love me anymore? Why is it so easy for him to dismiss me now...was it all a lie then -

The sound of a door clicking behind her didn't matter - not as much as the burdened voices in her mind. 

I don't care if anyone wants to shout at me for being loud - I only want him!!

"My dear," A soft voice of a woman appeared and Lisa turns - not minding to wipe off her tears. 

The woman - who looked around the same age as her mother - smiled hesitantly upon seeing her face. 

"I'm sorry to intrude...but he's not home," He...he's not? Lisa blinked a couple of times before looking down at the floor. She dipped her head a little out of respect, feeling slightly embarrassed by her earlier thoughts. "I saw him went out...I think it was a while before you came -"

"I'm sorry! I - I'm sorry to - I interrupted your night - I'm sorry, just really sorry!!" She's not sure why she's sobbing again. Maybe it's the anxiety. Maybe it's the heartbreak. Hell - I don't even know!

"Oh my - it's okay! Hey...come here," She felt a pair of arms enclosing around her and it only made her cry harder. "Shh...it's okay...you weren't interrupting,"

The woman rubs and pats gently on her back - hushing her softly to calm her down, but it only made her feel even worse! I can't do anything right!!

"I don't know what happened...but I know it's going to be okay. It will always be okay," 

...

Jungkook slumped down against the door. Leaning forward, he held his face in both of his palms. His body began shaking uncontrollably along with each waving sobs and whimpers. Lisa's pleading and crying voice had softened and stopped along with her heavy footsteps. They're slowly disappearing away from him. 

What have I done...how could I just stand there - doing nothing?! 

The question played in his mind - over and over again - as the guilt in his chest grew like an incoming raging storm in the middle of a desert. He wanted to run...to open the door and pull her in his arms. He wanted to tell her that it's okay...and that everything will be okay. He wanted to do so much...but his body refused to move - much more to respond to her! 

I couldn't...I'll only end up hurting her again! There are just too many secrets to bear for this lifetime and she doesn't deserve any of the pain!!

His vision is now blurred with waves of unspeakable sadness. He could taste the salty bitterness...the unforgiving sins and all of his pain - flowing its way into his mouth so he can taste his own sorrow. There's just too much to remember and he's tired of doing it alone but he has to! He can't let her in...not anymore.

She was my sun and my moon. She's everything I'm scared of...my only remedy in my fucked up world...but she deserves more...

She deserves someone who could easily pack things up and follows her wherever she wants to go. Someone who'll be there at all times and won't need to lie about who he is. A man who won't have to look over his own shoulder - worrying about his past mistakes and the guilt haunting him. Someone that could love her...the way she deserves to be loved. 

He wanted so much to be that man. How he wished he could erase the life he was living before and kneels by her feet - pleading for her to not leave him alone with all his sufferings. But he can't. I can never be that man...and I can't be here any longer. 

Jungkook dragged himself up and rushed for his duffle bag - the determination clouding his shouting mind.

Where the fuck will you go?? I don't know and I don't care. Anywhere far enough -

In this cold night? Come on - be real! She'll come back. She'll cry again and I won't be able to stop myself then -

What about all your stuff?? Your computers - someone might find out! 

Jungkook switched on the machines, wiping the relentless tears across his red cheeks. His fingers began tapping on the desk anxiously as he waits for the first one to load. 

I'll just delete my accounts and remove everything. I don't need it anymore. I won't kill anymore! 

He logs in the IP address and into the software when his desktop is shown. The red welcoming screen appeared as he enters the domain, then it turns black. The too-familiar red texts started loading and once Jungkook is in, he hovers the arrow on the Account icon. He paused for a second to rub off the waterworks on his face again and when he opens them, his eyes scan wildly on the rest of the content - then landed at a single spot at the center of his screen.

<22:12pm> Anonymous Posted:
Marco Brüschweiler / Seoul, SK
USD 300,000 / CASH TRANSPORT ONLY
2 bids entered   >> See full post and bid

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