Originally written (2/14/24 22:11 Wednesday)
(Warning: grammatical errors such as uncapitalized letters at the beginning of sentences, ect.

!!Trigger warning!! for anyone sensitive to topics like suicidal ideation, ect.)

my chest feels too heavy. or maybe it just feels too empty. the weight of my emotional and psychological exhaustion presses down on me, squashing my motivation. not that there was really much at all to begin with. but it was at least enough to keep me going.

but i don't want to keep going. i don't wanna be alive. i really don't. i don't wanna k!ll myself either. im stuck in an in-between, a cross-roads, a limbo (of sorts), a bridge between relief and despair. and right now, it feels like im being pulled towards despair, despite how hard im trying to crawl my way to relief.

every little task piles higher and higher, heavier and heavier on my back. sometimes, quite literally, considering the hundreds of knotted muscles in my shoulders and upper back that i've never had the time to correctly relax and loosen.

i never have the time for anything anymore. sometimes when i wanna cry in the middle of my schoolwork, i have to tell myself, "no time, keep going." if i feel tired—"no time, keep going."

i wanna crumple to the ground, dig a hole to curl up into, and drown in my despair.

no. actually. i just want someone to hold me. i want someone to hold me while i cry as hard as i can—as hard as i've wanted to for so long but never had the time or right circumstance to.

i just want someone to lean on for support. someone willingly letting me lean on them. not because they see me as a pity project to fix, but because they understand and want to be the pillar of support i need.

i hate relying on someone else but i've never really had anyone to really lean on. it feels like everyone just leaves or drifts away from me. no one's ever stayed. i just want someone to stay.

i know i say i want to be alone. but, really, i don't. i really don't. i just want to be seen. and i mean, actually, genuinely seen. i want to be the reason someone smiles. i want to be the one person they can't stop thinking about. i want someone to actually take the time to get to know me and actually see past my flaws and insecurities. but especially past the wall i put up to hide my internal feelings.

because, a majority of the time, im slowly dying on the inside.