Originally written (12/23/23 0:33 Sat)
(Warning: grammar errors—uncapitalized words, missing apostrophes, and a few more.)

what is this feeling? is it limbo? or is it hell? because it certainly isn't heaven. what are you supposed to call the feeling of wanting to die but not wanting to leave your loved ones behind to mourn you and spend the rest of their lives wondering what they could've done better, what they ever did wrong, and how they didn't see all the warning signs? when you've spent years enduring all different levels of pain, you learn how best to mask it, how best to put up a temporary front so no one can see the pain you've become tired of holding on to for so long.

they say with pain comes wisdom, and it's only now that i truly understand what that means. pain isn't something avoidable. every person experiences it differently and although we may have similar experiences, no two are ever the same. it's in your lowest moment that you have your deepest thoughts. that moment when absolutely everything has hit rock bottom is when the illusion of happiness clears out of your mind like smoke through a vent and you realize just how badly you've been beaten into the ground. and you want to get up. but you can't. and you're not really sure you want to either. you're left alone, and you can't help but wonder: is it really that bad if i just remain defeated and sit in this limbo of misery while life continues without me? is it really so bad if i watch everyone find their happiness while i spend the rest of my life wondering why i never found mine? and just accepting the fact that no matter how hard i try, i'll never have that kind of happiness that comes so easily to everyone else?

there's only so much pain a person can take before it corrupts them, before pain is all that remains, before pain is nothing but an unbreakable shackle tightly chained around their tattered soul, dragging them down with every step they try to take further in life.

funny how there are different kinds of "sad" but there is only one kind of "happy". that "sad" can mean more than one thing, but "happy" really only means a single thing. that "happy" is alone but "sad" is accompanied. that those who suffer the most are always the wisest because they've learned the hard truths, because they didn't get the sugar-coated version of it. they were dragged through every nitty, gritty detail until no lies were left existing in their mind. like a tsunami, my emotional breakdowns come in one huge wave, washing over me and swallowing absolutely anything it can, before retreating back from where it came. and leaving all the damage it caused.

(Author's note): I doubt anyone will even read this but thank you to anyone willing to read this. It's weird to share words I wrote not too long ago—that always seemed like the kind of meaningless paragraphs no one would ever see or read. But I thought since I'm probably (hopefully) not the only one with these kinds of feelings that seem to almost weigh less on my shoulders when I see them actually written out, might help someone else.

"I know but one freedom, and that is the freedom of the mind." – Antoine de Saint-Exupery