TUESDAY 28TH JANUARY 2020

10:01 PM - 10:41 PM

Well, where do I begin? I guess I should start with, the thing that's kicked all my sucky feelings off as of late. My older sister, well. If you couldn't guess, she's kind of, got more friends than me. Not in the sense that she went out and made them, but in the sense that they were supposed to be my friends... I went out of my way to be nice to people around me, and it didn't really work all too well at first, though my friend-group slowly expanded over time. And well, my sister didn't have many friends either, so, I decided that it would be nice of me to introduce my closest friends to my older sister. Now, here's where my problem gets screwy. I have nobody else to blame for this, and everyone who decided to read this has the right to call me a selfish brat if they please but yeah, back to the story. My sister and I, we argue a lot, because I'm not going to lie my sister is a bit of a drama queen and always gets to clingy and when I tell her no. It just turns into complete nightmare! Anywho, my sister just kept annoying me and so, I called it quits and I sat with sole of my other friends, that weren't my closest friends but they were right next to them, and never did they ever invite me to hang out, put me in group chats with them, ask if I was OK... Like I made sure to ask them each day and they just ignored my texts. Then we had a new girl and so I made best friends with her too! And then she pissed off to go hang out with my sister and all her friends, and it got worse as soon as my sister and her best friend, in other words my old best friend got boyfriends, and my sisters boyfriend used to bully me to no end, and so she let him tell me to kíll myself because it would be a favour for everyone and nobody would miss me, and honestly I'm starting to believe them at this point.

My 'best friends' only talk to me when they want something off of me... and to be honest that hurts, so my sister and this boy break up. And he continues to harass not only my sister, but me too. And everyone is acting like his friend but hate him. Which, in all honesty I think is disgusting so I told everyone to their damn faces. But, they ignored me...

So mid-year assessments are this week for me so I've been trying to study more than ever, and so far I've done pretty well in a few of my tests that I've marked, like in ICT I got 25/30. And today in my written assessment for PE/Gym I got 22/35. So I told my parents, and they didn't really care. Though, my sister tells them that she got some scores around my range and they freak out and get so excited and keep telling her how proud they are of her.

And, they never tell me that they are proud of me. My father acts like I'm not around half the time and ignores me, my mother say that I'm a moody bitch, they both say that to me, in my families eyes I'm a moody, lazy, anti-social girl who's a bītch to everyone and has OK grades and never helps around the house. Though, I've been cleaner lately, I cooked dinner for my family one evening and I always jump to help with chores and I make my parents their coffees and all that. And they just ignore me... A lot of people have and I just have started to realise what I've been doing to those people in my life.

I don't say 'I love you' to my family as much, I argue a lot more with my 'best friends' and I don't work nor do I walk with my friends from school. I don't go out into town with my 'friends' anymore I don't do anything other than stay in the house and talk to my crush and you guys on here, and I've been struggling to reply to you guys lately, but sometimes I can't wait TOO reply and I'm just say here laying in my bed, crying over a phone and what some people have said to me or are doing to me, and I just can't help but feel like I just want to end it all and not breathe anymore... Because surely if someone actually wanted me to stay on this earth they'd act like I'm not completely transparent...

And if this is the world I have to live in, where I'm an invisible doormat then I don't want to be in that world anymore. I just want to be free, and I want have friends that won't leave me, I guess what I'm saying is that I want to be happy.