Dave was have'n a good birthday. This morn'n, his kids had given him a new Hank Williams CD, his wife had made him corn cakes and liver pud'n, his crew had remembered he didn't like ice cream cake, and his ol' Ram hadn't stalled out, even once.
Yup - Dave was have'n a fine day.
As he switched off Cheat'n Heart, and pulled into his driveway, he noticed that the kids had stuck their bikes in the carport, and his wife was stand'n in the doorway with a cold Bud in her hand.
"Kings don't live better'n this! " Dave thought, as he parked and hurried toward his wife.

It wasn't till he got closer that he noticed the sheepish grimace -

"Honey - just remember - you are loved - now be nice!", his wife commanded in a desperate whisper, as she shoved the beer at him.
..............

Surprise Party Chili

Set the pot of leftover chili
On the back burner and
Heat it up on simmer.

Now...

Grab an extra pound
Of frozen meat that's ground.
Hold it under the hot water tap,
Ti it starts to let loose from its plastic wrap.

Dry it down with a paper towel,
And throw it in a pan with some olive oil.

(While that meat heats,
Chop up the rest of an onion, pick through last night's salad for bits of celery, sweet pepper - and more onion.
Act like you know what you're do'n.)

Flip the meat cube and scrape off the cooked part.
Then add the scrape'ns to that back burner pot.

Dig round in the pantry till you find some canned beans -
If they ain't kidney, just tell folks you like fusion cuisine.

Scrape the rest of the meat into that simmer -
As soon as it's grey 'n chipped into smithers.

Throw your veggies into the meat pan, with some more olive oil.
Add a pinch of sugar, a splash of water, and bring it to boil.

When the water boils off, fry for a minute ,
In your skillet,
then add what's left to that simmer'n pot.

Open the can of beans and smash up half of em into pulp.

Dump the whole can of beans,
Along with a lot of tomato,
(in any form cept ketchup)
Into the simmer pot

(if folks have been fortify'n for a spell - you can even get away with ketchup)

Grab the little bottle of chili powder from the back of your pantry...
Take it from me - the stuff is quite handy.

Stir all this together
And continue to simmer
For another half hour....
Till folks are hungry for supper.

(Every time you walk into your kitchen, take a big bite from the pot and tell everybody how good it is.
NEVER give in and send out for pizza.)

NOTE: DO NOT MISTAKE THIS MESS FOR A REAL RECIPE!
ORDER THE PIZZA!