"Are you even listening to me?"

No, I wasn't. I mean, I heard Evie, but like a compass needle always finds north, my gaze seemed to always find Sienna, who was talking with an animated Gareth by our increasingly overworked coffee machine.

She threw her head back and laughed at something Gareth said (something probably ridiculous), and I felt my breath catch in my throat. Her golden hair was tied back with a big pink bow and her jeans were covered in little sparkly things, looking increasingly more like Polly Pocket every fucking day. When she smiled, beaming like the sun, it felt like I was being burned by the heat of that star.

Evie reached over and smacked my arm with just enough force to shake the coffee cup in my hand and send splashes of hot coffee onto our tiny, sticky table.

"Yeah, what? I'm...thinking," I grumbled, rubbing at the dark spots of coffee with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I managed to turn my attention back to her, who looked about as unconvinced as a person could look, narrowing her deep hazel eyes at me.

She tapped her fingers on the table, her nails making a clacking noise that suddenly sounded very annoying. "Okay look, I say this out of love, but you're pathetic. And before you go on denying everything, I know you. I know your insides."

"That's...gross and horrifying to think about. You need to remove yourself from my insides." I heaved out a tired groan and rubbed the side of my face, catching the patchy stubble parts I missed shaving.

Everything about this tour had become exhausting. We immediately left for Rhode Island after a smaller show in Connecticut, and I was barely sleeping, despite the fact that I was churning out cover songs for almost every show, with approximately two hours to work them out. If anything, it was spiking my adrenaline to the point where I'd pace on the tour bus in the middle of the night, so in my head that I was unable to even discern if we were moving or parked or flying through the fucking void.

We only played Just Pretend at the Palladium and went back to covers for the next show (thank god), but we'd been aggressively pestered on social media (according to Sienna) about releasing it as a bonus track on all the usual music streaming services. We had one recording from a few months ago, but I wasn't satisfied with it now. I wanted it to be perfect in the way it had the potential to be.

With each show that went by, it felt like someone had been peeling back layers of my skin, exposing more and more of me. I couldn't deny that being noticed felt good - people knowing songs I wrote and hearing me the way I was meant to be heard, but it had become more than that. I was being seen, and I used to think that was also gross and horrifying, but...she made it feel okay.

Everything went back to her. I was going insane. I was hyper-aware of just how much she saw me, and the way she saw me seeing her too as she glanced over with those wide, glistening blue eyes of hers. Like she wanted to see me.

I used whatever dwindling energy I had left to then rip my gaze away from hers and gulped. I zeroed back in on Evie, who looked insanely, aggravatingly satisfied.

"I mean god Devon, I haven't seen you with a crush since Connie Richardson senior year of high school," Evie continued, dipping her head down as if we were little kids sharing secrets. Whatever was going on wasn't a secret - it was a non-event, and I needed her to understand that.

"I would say it feels more like I'm being crushed," I scoffed. "So there's nothing to see."

"Right, we're all just imagining the ogling eye sex you guys have all the time?" Evie put her elbow on the table and waved her hand around.

Even though my cheeks started to burn, I tried to keep my tone even as I gave her a shrug. "Even if whatever is going on is maybe reciprocated - and that's a big maybe, because I think she just looks at everyone that way - I don't want it. You of all people know that I just have too much shit going on, and getting involved with anyone is just...not practical."

"I don't think she's anyone." Evie grumbled as she propped her chin up her palm and rolled her eyes into the back of her skull. "But whatever, she doesn't have to be your girlfriend or anything. You can just hook up with her. You clearly want to."

My stomach jumped into my throat, and I had to swallow it down. "God damn it, it's not that simple."

"Enlighten me then. Why isn't it simple?"

I should have been able to tell my best friend these things, but I didn't know how to articulate any of it without sounding like an asshole. I didn't know how to say that part of what kept me up at night was wondering how it would be if she woke up and took me back to her bed. I'd play it in my head, trying to imagine how it would feel to part her thighs with my knee and wrap my fingers around the lace of her thong. To feel her mouth on my collarbone and her breath on my skin. To feel her move underneath me and wonder if she'd go fast or slow. But every time I'd reach the end, it would all go bad somehow, because that's just what I did. I made everything go bad like old food left in the fridge, moldy and full of fruit flies.

I pressed my hands together in front of my mouth before continuing. "So okay, maybe we do hook up, maybe go on a few dates that might not even be dates, and then at some point we realize that she can't stand me and I can't stand her, so then we 'break-up', but it's not even really a break-up because we weren't ever really together, and then everything's even worse than when it all started because we're too busy resenting each other for trying to make something work when it wouldn't." I paused to take a breath, Evie's wide eyes enough of a giveaway that I'd just audibly spiraled. God I really was going insane.

"Okay, okay," Evie held her hands up in surrender. "Jesus Dev, you've given this a lot of thought."

"No," I insisted. "It's just obvious enough that it's not reasonable. And if you forget, she is technically employed by us, which would also make all of that about a hundred times worse."

Evie snickered. "Any romance novel would tell you that part doesn't matter."

I rolled my eyes. "Well thank god this isn't one then."

Evie reached across the table for my hands, and the sudden unexpected feeling of someone's skin on mine made me shudder. "I just want you to be happy, Dev."

I wiggled out from under her grip. "I'm fine."

"Are you?"

No, I was burning up from the inside, and I was sure she saw that because unfortunately she did know my insides. My skin was nothing but cellophane to her.

But Evie also knew me well enough to know that I was right about one thing - I did tend to make things worse - and I guess I hoped she liked Sienna enough to know not to subject her to that.

"I am," I said with more definitiveness.

I thought maybe there was a little bit of truth to that, until Sienna appeared seemingly out of thin air and dropped down into the bench at the table beside me. Fuck, I am so not fine.

"You ready for later?" she asked me with that beaming smile.

"For what?"

She looked genuinely confused. "The podcast you and Evie are doing today. I know I didn't just imagine that I booked that."

No, it was just that I'd tried to actively black it out because I didn't want to do it. I groaned and pressed two fingers to my temple. "You mean the one that you two orchestrated entirely without my knowledge or consent?"

"Well, we knew you'd say no," Evie chimed in, and the duh was implied.

Sienna reached over and put a reassuring hand to my forearm, and I really needed her to stop doing that before I was reduced to ash. "Listen, there's nothing to worry about. Maddie is just a local music podcaster, and she's genuinely interested in hearing about the band, and the covers, and your music. You can handle that. Just be yourself."

"Because Devon's just so charming," Evie rolled her eyes.

As if on cue, a deep belch escaped my mouth.

"Case in point." Evie snickered.

"Yeah well this whole thing is giving me indigestion," I grumbled, rubbing my chest.

"I'm sure you being a typical gross boy is not changing her mind at this point, and it's literally only a half hour." Sienna gripped onto my forearm again, jostling me in a way I was sure she thought was playful. "It's not going to kill you."

"No, it might."

⋆ ★

Me, Evie, and Sienna took an Uber to this girl Maddie's apartment in Newport. I practically begged Raf to come, but he said since this whole thing was Sienna's idea, she deserved to be responsible for seeing it through.

Sometimes I really hated his southern gentleman bullshit.

When Maddie answered the door, I immediately had regrets. She was a far too bubbly blonde like Sienna, excitedly pulling Sienna and Evie into hugs when she greeted them.

When she got to me, I took a step back and held my hands up. "Uh, I'm not a hugger."

"Oh, sorry." Maddie's face blanched as she dropped her shoulders.

"You'll have to excuse Devon, he's actually a tapeworm." Evie slid up beside me and elbowed me. "Feed him and he might be more agreeable."

"Oh, well I have snacks!" Maddie perked up before gesturing us to follow her into the apartment.

"Yeah, great," I grumbled.

Sienna looked up at me, stifling her giggling behind her hand before she followed Maddie and Evie. This was about to be the longest thirty minutes of my life.

She led us to a back room in the apartment, where the walls were soundproofed with pink acoustic foam, and a fuzzy white carpet covered the entire floor. Maddie had a basic setup on a big wooden table, with a few condenser mics with headphones hanging from the stands, and a big Macbook on what I assumed was her side of the table. She gestured for Evie and I to sit down in two of the swiveling chairs at the table.

"Oh, and if you could just give your phones and any other electronics you have to Sienna," Maddie said. "The bluetooth tends to interfere with the mics and stuff."

I slid my phone out of my pocket, catching a few missed call notifications on the screen before dropping it into her hand.

Sienna looked up at me with a softness in her eyes. "Take a deep breath, Dev."

I did as she told me to, feeling myself unwind just from the way she called me Dev.

"Just be yourself," she continued, and a faint grin crossed her lips. "Maybe without the indigestion."

I mirrored her grin. "No promises."

She gave my arm one more reassuring squeeze before taking her place at the back of the room, in a chair behind a few windscreens and pop filters. After one more exhale, I finally lowered myself into one of the chairs and slipped the headphones on, immediately hearing how hard the blood was pumping through my ears.

Thankfully Maddie's quirky intro music chimed in (and all I could think about was how much better I could make it) before she started. "What's up everyone, I'm Maddie, and you're In the Mix. I'm super stoked about my guests today. So if you don't know what's been going on in the heavier New England music scene, Beyond the Pines is on their farewell tour, hitting up all the old spots they played at when they first started, and they tapped this up and coming metal band from New York called the Green Inferno to open for them. And they kind of pull a Taylor Swift in the sense that they do a sort of 'surprise song' at the end of every set, except it's not a song of theirs. It's a cover song that they whip together in just a few hours, and you can vote on which cover song they do for that show. So I've got Devon and Evie, the co-founders of the Green Inferno, to pick their brains about all this, and...guys, I'm not gonna lie, everything about you and your band prior to this tour is ultra elusive, so I just wanna know everything."

It felt nice being talked about like we mattered, but it also felt like being sung a prolonged version of Happy Birthday. It was awkward and I didn't know what to do with myself. I nudged Evie's thigh under the table with my knee, silently begging her to take the wheel on this.

"Well, Devon and I grew up together. We were in choir and chamber orchestra together in high school, and we basically just bonded over having no life outside of our musical extracurriculars."

Maddie laughed, and Evie continued to effortlessly control the conversation without giving anything away that she knew I didn't want to give to this random podcast girl. People didn't need to know my life before the band, that's why it was "ultra elusive" to begin with.

I gently swiveled myself back and forth in the chair, keeping my hands jammed in the front pocket of my hoodie. Every so often I found my gaze wandering towards Sienna, who was already looking at me every time I looked at her.

"He has been and always will be an annoying perfectionist, but I think it helps, because it makes the rest of us want to be better too." Evie gently nudged me with a grin.

Maddie swiveled her chair to look at me directly. "For the frontman of a band, you're surprisingly quiet."

"I'm a tapeworm, remember?" I blurted out, feeling my face instantly flush.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sienna put her hand to her forehead and shake her head.

"Oh it's so true," Evie came to my rescue again, reaching over and playfully shoving my arm. "He could suck the life right out of you if you let him."

"I think I'd let you," Maddie said directly to me again, which made my face flush again. "But alright Mr. Annoying Perfectionist, how do you manage to nail down an exceptionally good cover of pretty much any song with just a two-hour turnaround?"

When I glanced over at Evie, she tilted her head towards the microphone. I had to be the one to answer this one, but at least I actually could. I exhaled to steady myself before answering.

"Well, I've had a lot of ear training, so I think that helps from the jump."

"What's ear training?"

"It's basically just practicing and training yourself so you can recognize and identify things like pitches, intervals, chords, scales, rhythms, melodies...all that shit."

Evie lurched in her chair when we all realized I'd made another stupid verbal blunder, and I put my hand to my face.

"Wait, can I curse?" I asked with a guilty grimace.

Maddie laughed and waved me off. "Please, curse away. Sounds great when you do it."

I forced a less guilty grin. "Well, cursing is good for you."

"So was all this ear training self-taught, or where did you learn it?" Maddie urged me on. "I mean, you're the band's producer too, right? Are you just naturally brilliant or what?"

I let out a half hearted chuckle and shrugged. I'd never been so outwardly flirted with like this before by someone I didn't know, and even though I was sure I was blushing like a lunatic, I couldn't deny it felt kind of nice. I wasn't sure why I felt so compelled to find Sienna's eyes again, but when I glanced over at her, she had her head down in her phone.

"Mostly self taught," I shrugged, feeling the lie roll off me effortlessly. "I've done some sound engineering too, but production is mostly just experimenting until you get it right."

This time, Evie was the one to nudge me under the table. When I slid a glance over at her, she was smirking like the conniving little shit she was. She knew I was in my element now, and I felt myself relax back into the chair.

"Do you think you've got it right now?" Maddie continued, leaning forward on her elbows. She flicked a piece of blonde hair out of her face in a similar way that Sienna would.

"Well, you tell me." I shrugged casually.

Maddie giggled and leaned back in her chair. "Oh, you're smooth when you want to be, huh?"

My chest was getting all warm, and I knew Evie was eating this shit up. But like a god damn compass I still searched for Sienna like she was my True North. Except this time when I glanced over, the chair she was sitting in was empty.

It ended up not being the longest thirty minutes of my life, although there were times it felt like it could have been. Sienna had come back shortly after she'd left, but it seemed like her attention was outside the little soundproof room we were in.

Maddie pulled me aside after we'd wrapped up, and suddenly I was regretting all the semi-awkward flirting. "So, now that we're off record, I gotta ask...is she your girlfriend?"

I forced out a chuckle. "Nah. I'm not really Evie's type, if you get what I mean. Although, we did kiss once during spin the bottle at an orchestra after-party my sophomore year."

Maddie grinned. "Oh my god, not Evie. Sienna."

My heart leapt into my throat. "What? No. Why?"

Maddie rocked back on her heels, still grinning. "No reason. Although, she did seem a little jealous when we were...well, having some banter during the interview. Just something to consider, if you...ya know, wanted her to be or something."

"No, no, she's not..." I shook my head. "We're just not."

"Well, okay. Good luck with that." Maddie patted my shoulder, grinning like Evie did.

Apparently, I was just wrapped in cellophane for everyone to see.

There was a brutal chill as we waited outside for our Uber. Sienna bopped around on her toes to keep warm, her puffy pink jacket zipped all the way up to her chin and her hands jammed in the pockets.

Without considering the consequences, I inched closer to her, and she took it as a sign to stick herself to me, like a fucking tapeworm.

"You're so warm," she cooed, squeezing my torso.

I was putty in her hands, and I wasn't sure if she knew it or not, but it did things to my cognizance. It was probably the only reason I asked, "Why'd you leave during the interview?"

"Oh, well..." Sienna unwound herself from me, and suddenly I was cold. "Your phone rang."

"My phone?" I arched an eyebrow at her. "So what?"

"Well, your mom called-"

My entire world came to a screeching halt. "My what?"

"Your mom," Sienna repeated. "She called like, three times. I figured it must have been important, so I answered just to let her know-"

"Oh my god, you did what?" My words came out in puffs of angry white smoke.

"Devon, wait-" Evie put a hand to my arm, but I shrugged her off.

"I told her you were busy doing a podcast." Sienna's voice began to falter. "She wanted you to call her back. I just thought-"

My whole body started to rattle, and I knew it wasn't from the chill in the air. "You thought what? That you'd insert yourself into my family business where you have no place being?"

"Devon, that's not what I'm..." she heaved out a shaky breath and shook her head. "I'm just trying to help you."

I'd come completely undone. The thin layer of cellophane holding me in had ripped and torn, spilling out all my guts onto the sidewalk. "You know how you can help me? Stop acting like you can just fix everything. You can't!"

Sienna stumbled backwards, and in the fading light of the day, her blue eyes glistened with unshed tears. Our Uber pulled up, and she immediately stumbled into it.

Before Evie made her way to the car, she shook her head at me, her voice soft against the wind. "You really are such an ass sometimes."

I clenched my teeth so hard I thought my gums would bleed. "Well, you wanna know why it's not simple? That's why."

The three of us didn't speak the entire car ride back to the tour bus, or for the remainder of the day after that.

⋆ ★

ahaha we all love drama and if you say you don't you're lyingggg

i'm really just doing everything i possibly can think of to keep them apart, it's fun!