SHOW 7 - The Palladium, Worcester, Massachusetts
October 15th

I never thought I'd have such an acute understanding of various music venues across New England, but here I was, surveying the Palladium with Raf, finding ways to amp up the Green Inferno's biggest show of the tour.

The Palladium was tailor-made for a rock show, with a big open floor perfect for a rowdy crowd, and sky-high ceilings decked out with intricate light fixtures and a web of speakers hanging from the rafters. To put on a convincing show here required more creativity, which was I guess why Raf had me tag along. As if I was suddenly some kind of stage presence expert or something.

"We could borrow the pyrotechnics from BTP," Raf suggested, pointing towards the corners of the stage, where big speakers were already dotted along the edge. "And maybe switch out some lights to red..."

I heard Raf speaking, but I was transfixed as Devon made his way across the stage, checking and double-checking wires and equipment the way his perfectionist ass always did. He was wearing that button down short sleeve shirt with the dragon print on the front that we got when we went shopping in Burlington, with the top two buttons undone and the sleeves cuffed once. If it were anyone else but Devon, I'd say he did it on purpose to make the sleeves more taut against his flexing biceps, but knowing him, he did it just because he wanted to.

For some reason, that day we went shopping felt like an eternity ago, even though it had only been a week. Maybe because so much had changed since then.

When Devon bent over to check an amp, one lock of dark hair fell perfectly between his eyes, and even though he quickly raked it back with his hand, for just a moment I thought it was the most naturally beautiful thing I'd ever seen on another human being.

Oh god. I was losing my mind.

He walked off stage, and against my increasingly slipping rationality, I knew this was my last opportunity to continue the conversation we never got to finish at the planetarium. Because no matter what was swirling in the eddy between us, he was changing on his own too, and it was for the better. I could see it in the way he walked, the way talked, and the way he simply took up more space, like he knew he could now. I only wished he saw what I saw.

"That sounds perfect," I blurted out to Raf (who I think had been talking that entire time), handing him my iPad while keeping my eyes on Devon's retreating figure. "Can you just...? I'll be...right back."

I wandered away in what felt like a trance, almost certain he called after me but uninterested in whatever it was he was saying. At this moment, I was a woman on a mission and even Band Dad couldn't stop me.

I'd finally cornered Devon, pacing in the dim lights of the green room. It was far bigger than any of the previous venues, with nicer furniture and a big wooden coffee table with magazine and candles, and notably no stains or liquid rings. I watched him as he walked back and forth, head down, wringing his hands in front of him.

"You're going to burn a hole in the floor."

He screeched to a halt when he noticed my presence, and I was half-surprised the soles of his Vans hadn't left skid marks on the tile floors.

He inhaled a tight breath and shook his head at me in response. "You can't sneak up on me like that."

"And you can't avoid me forever, you know," I mused softly as I stepped forward through the threshold of the door.

"I'm not avoiding you," he blurted out.

"Liar."

Because he had been actively avoiding me since yesterday after we'd gotten back from the ecotarium, and even though I could make a few educated guesses as to why, that didn't stop the spiraling thoughts as we stood together now, our immunity to each other dying by the second.

Not wanting to talk about performing Just Pretend was one thing, because that was just Devon being a stern avoidist. He could brush me off if he wanted too and that would be the end of it. No, it went deeper under the surface.

Was it the acute awareness of the several almost moments we had? Was it that every time we touched, there were sparks that in no way were felt by just me? Maybe it all scared him the way it scared me. We'd become exposed to each other like a nerve, raw and writhing under the heat of our gazes, and that was terrifying. No kind of vaccine could help us.

The problem was that Devon and I handled fear differently. I'd adapted to take fears head on, grit my teeth and bear it, whereas he turned and hid away in the dark. Literally.

However, I hadn't come here to address any of that, despite the tension between us swarming in the air like one of us had kicked a nest and unleashed a thousand wasps. Certain things were more important right now.

"What I mean is..." I swallowed down other things I wanted to say. "We never finished our conversation from yesterday."

"Because there's no point," he bit back. He recoiled when he realized how harsh it had come out, heaving out a sigh as he rolled his shoulders back. In a more stern and controlled voice he continued, "I'm just not doing it. That's all."

He slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and looked away, but just before he did, something flickered in his eyes. While I couldn't quite place it (Fear? Anxiety? Some combination of the two?), it got me to take a step back. There was no point in trying to get him to handle it the way I would. It was hurting him.

"Okay," I nodded slowly. "It's your choice. I'm sorry for pushing you."

I spun on my heel and made my way to the door.

"Wait, that's it?" he asked, and even though my back was to him I heard his sneakers squeak against the floor as he took a step forward. "You're not going to try and change my mind?"

When I turned back around to face him, the edges of him had softened, and it softened me too.

"I'm not going to pretend like I understand what your hesitations are. I don't. But...I want you to get there on your own." The words came out steadier than I anticipated they would. "And maybe it's not now, but you will eventually. I'm sure of that."

I offered him a much softer smile this time before turning to leave, and even though he didn't follow me, something good bloomed in my chest.

⋆ ★

The opening of the set went about as well as it could have. This crowd was different than any we'd seen so far - loud and rowdy, mostly - but god were they into the band. I'd taken a spot up front and off to the side, but past the barricades because I was obviously special and important.

I tried to situate myself where I wasn't in Devon's direct line of sight - not for his sake, but for mine. As if he already didn't have me under whatever demonic spell he could cast when he sang. This was simply damage mitigation now.

Devon had truly come into his own here, where he'd allowed whatever was living deep within him to boil to the surface. I saw it take hold of him when he stood on the amp in the middle of the stage, his face bathed in red from the lights above (good call, Raf), and held out the microphone for the crowd to sing the bridge to Nowhere to Go. Instead of risking his voice and screaming the lyrics himself, he let the crowd do it - and they did with explosive enthusiasm.

This crowd wasn't here for covers. They were here for the Green Inferno. And under the lights, Devon may as well have been Dante.

"Alright, we've got one song left." Devon slid the microphone back into the stand, white-knuckling it as he adjusted it to his towering height. He cleared his throat, rocking back on the heels of his sneakers as he surveyed the crowd. His hands shook as he repositioned them on the microphone stand.

"I know most of you voted on the poll tonight," he continued, clearing his throat again. I found myself begging for him to take a drink of water or something as his voice started to crack, as he lifted his hand to touch the hollow of his neck right underneath the tentacles of his kraken tattoo. "Well, I hate to break it to you guys, but we're not doing a cover tonight."

I'm sorry, what? After all that time we spent debilitating between Hanson and the Spice Girls, was he just going to completely divert from the course?

No, that wasn't it. He touched his neck again. He was nervous. I found myself inching forward, as if his voice was actually pulling me in the way a black hole would suck in whole stars and planets and galaxies.

"You guys have probably been the best crowd we've played for this tour, and that means a lot to us. So...uh, we're gonna play an unreleased song to close this show out. It's..." he heaved out a shaky breath. "It's special to me, so I hope you guys like it. This is Just Pretend."

When the lights dimmed and the crowd cheered, I couldn't bring myself to join - fearing that if I so much as opened my mouth, my own heart would come spilling out of it and splatter onto the floor. The lights were queued up perfectly with the song, and I couldn't help but shake my head and smile. I should have known he'd had it planned from the beginning - his perfectionist ass didn't have the ability to just wing it.

I'm not afraid, of the war you've come to wage against my sins
I'm not okay, but I can try my best to just pretend

Maybe it was just the reverb from the venue, but there was a hauntingly angelic pitch to his voice as he began to sing, and suddenly everyone was under the same spell. I knew all too well how it felt to be so transfixed by someone that all you could do was accept your fate.

He didn't move much as he sang the first verse, almost afraid to let go of the microphone as if he'd be unsteady without it. But the guitars thrashed and the lights flashed as the chorus hit, and suddenly there was power to his voice that seemed to come from deep within. Needless to say, everyone lost their shit. Me included.

It wasn't that I hadn't been in awe of watching him sing and perform before, but this was an out of body experience. Of all the demonic-leaning nicknames and imagery that Devon has conjured since I'd known him, he was nothing short of angelic now, the white backlights casting a halo around his whole body.

But that was the whole thing, wasn't it? Most demons were angels first, thrust down into hell for their transgressions. Well, that had already happened to Devon. So maybe this truly was his ascension, and he hadn't been ready to bear the responsibility. Until now.

Weight down on me
Stay till morning
Way down
Would you say I'm worthy?

On the final chorus, he let the microphone stand go, jumping up onto the amp and seemingly exorcising what was left of those demons. The song ended to thunderous cheers and applause, and I thought my heart would damn near explode. Devon's shoulders heaved as he tried to catch his breath, and when he looked down at me from the edge of the stage, he smiled.

"We're the Green Inferno. Goodnight."

I didn't even wait for the lights to come up. Still seemingly possessed, I bolted backstage to head them off as they came off stage.

I zeroed-in on Devon immediately, as if I had some kind of Prince of Darkness-seeking radar, and this time when I went to go hug him, there was nothing unsure or timid about it. No, this time, I almost tackled him, and he was wildly unprepared for it, resulting in both of us buckling to the floor.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." I had almost no breath left to speak, but I tried. "Are...are you okay?"

"Me? Never better." He was just as breathless as I was. "Are you?"

"Yeah, I'm...I'm fine."

It was then that I truly realized the position I was in. My knees hugged one of his thighs, and from there up, every single inch of our bodies, every dip and every curve, aligned too perfectly, like a lock and it's one and only key. I had my hands pressed into his torso, feeling the way his chest moved up and down with every breath he took. Just under the fabric of his shirt, his heartbeat thundered against his ribs. Mine did too, reminding me that I had significantly less control than I thought I did over anything regarding Devon McCall. So no, I was not fine.

"Oh my god, the floor is so dirty, why are you guys laying on it?"

It was Gareth, as usual, reminding us that we were not the only two people in the universe.

I scrambled to get myself off of Devon, and he quickly got to his feet, reaching down and gently lifting me by my forearms as if I was nothing more than a feather.

"Well, you were great," I blurted out. "I mean, all of you."

"Right. Great." Devon responded with a curt nod, and backed away to go help the band deconstruct their set, leaving me to retreat into the hallways and back to the green room. I was basically useless out here now.

I didn't make it all that far before someone stopped me.

"Wait!"

Even though I knew it was him from his voice alone, I was still surprised to see Devon jogging towards me down the hallway. In the sudden silence my ears rang.

"I'm sorry I didn't say it before, but...thank you."

"For what?"

He blew out a breath and raked a few locks of damp hair off of his forehead. "Making me change my mind."

"I didn't do anything, really." I folded my arms over my sweater and gave him a half shrug. "That performance, which was incredible, by the way...that was all you."

Devon shook his head. "Well, I trust you. So yeah. That's what changed my mind."

I couldn't take it any more, watching him stand there and look at me like we actually were the only two people in the universe. But when I took a step forward, he took one back.

"I...I gotta go back now, I just..." he cleared his throat for what felt like the fifth time that night, reaching up and rubbing his neck with his finger. "I just wanted to say that."

"O-Okay." I nodded, desperate to keep my voice steady. "For the record, I trust you too, Devon."

He forced a tight smile as he turned on his heel and retreated back towards backstage. I wasn't sure what else I was expecting him to do, but maybe I had to realize that I'd never be released from the spell he had me under, and I just had to accept my fate.

⋆ ★

just pretend is iconic idgaf if it's the "tiktok song." if you haven't seen a live performance of it yet, please youtube it. it's incredible.

writing concert scenes is way harder for me than writing football game scenes, but alas, we have pushed through and i actually loved how insane this one turned out, so i hope y'all did too <3 WE'RE GETTING THERE. SLOWLY BUT SURELY.

also shoutout to my girl oliviaxtucker for her insider knowledge on the palladium lol