SHOW 6 - The Music Hall, Portsmouth, New Hampshire
October 12th

The Vermont show went about as good as it could have.

It's Gonna Be Me by N'SYNC had won that night's cover song poll, beating a solo Justin Timberlake (Cry Me A River) by a landslide, and with each passing show, more and more people voted on the poll. But it wasn't just that. The venue was filled out when their set began, singing along to The Green Inferno's actual music. When I checked Spotify that night, their monthly listeners were up to almost 80,000. I didn't know how good that was in comparison to other artists like them, but I wasn't sure it mattered. We weren't here to compare The Green Inferno to anyone else except their past selves.

And I'd seen the way it changed Devon, the way he'd shed some of the skin of his own past self. Subtle, but noticeable to someone who watched him every night (begrudgingly so). His movements were looser, more fluid, almost like the ice around his joints and his nerves had begun to thaw out. He was warming up to being on stage again, and the lights gave him a glow he hadn't had before. Even malevolent creatures needed the light.

The New Hampshire show was no different. He stood on the amp at the center and when he approached the chorus to The Grey, he motioned for the crowd to sing along, and my god did they sing along. They screamed in earnest, like they'd been fans for life, and I wanted to be in the crowd singing along.

Too Little Too Late by JoJo won that night, and just like Evie said, Devon crushed the vocals. I was starting to understand that there was no possible way I was the only person spellbound by his voice - because no matter what I did or didn't feel, it had never actually been about me. It had always been about him and what he could do.

I filmed it and posted it almost immediately to socials, and unlike some of the first videos, it took virtually no time to blow up. People loved them, and it made my heart swell.

In between sets was when the actual work began.

I'd never worked a merch stand before. Well, it wasn't really a stand. More like a foldout card table that I sat behind while I maintained stacks of t-shirts that I'd organized by size. I'd made a printout graphic that had sizes and prices, and as we began selling out of them, I crossed out what was and wasn't available. Even though I'd only ordered a few of each size per shirt, we were almost entirely sold out, and it made me giddy in a way I'd never experienced before.

Not only had I created something that everyone seemed to like, I'd created something that I was proud of. In fact, I'd worn the I <3 THE GREEN INFERNO shirt that night with a Cher Horowitz inspired yellow, black, and red plaid skirt and the knee-high Diesel boots I'd been breaking in the last few shows, and people were actually trying to buy it off my back after we'd sold out of it. I never thought I'd feel so comfortable in outfits that had no pink to them whatsoever, but here we are.

Since The Music Hall was an actual theater with seats instead of just an open floor like a bunch of the other venues, we'd set the merch table up off to the side in the lobby area at a strategic middle point between doors to the theater section and the doors towards backstage. I kind of hated it, because every time the backstage door swung open, my heart would lift ever so slightly in hopes that it was Devon.

There was still some time between The Green Inferno's set and Beyond the Pines', but most people had scattered to the bar at this point in the night, and anyone who wanted merch had probably bought it already. I figured I deserved a drink too (and yes, maybe I'd get a New York Sour).

In between the few minutes I'd left the merch table and come back, Devon had emerged, but he wasn't alone. It didn't look like a bad conversation, but it was always hard to read Devon, especially from afar. He had a good few inches in Jeremy, but he was hinging on everything Jeremy said, as if Jeremy's words made him seem much smaller than he was. I guess that was just how you listened to people you idolized.

I tried to be inconspicuous about my visual eavesdropping as I sat back down at the merch table, eyes inadvertently drawn to the way Devon's sharp jaw would tick every so often, and the way the muscles in his arms flexed as he crossed them over his chest. That magic 8 ball shirt we got him fit him a little too well.

"You know a watched pot never boils."

I snapped my head forward to see Kevin standing over the merch table, casually leaning against the table with his hip.

"Wait, what?" I asked with an amused chuckle.

"You know...you look like you're waiting to boil...or wait, you look like boiling pasta over here..." he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "It sounded way better in my head. The point is, you look deep in thought."

I hummed and propped my chin up in my hand, partially relieved that Kevin thought that watching Devon's every move was just me deep in thought.

"I think the phrase you might be looking for is that you can see steam coming out of my ears," I shrugged with a faint grin. "I get how you could confuse the two - boiling does in fact create steam."

Kevin snapped and pointed at me, mirroring my grin. "That's it. Well whatever it is, I hope I didn't interrupt an important thought."

"Not at all. Just kind of staring into the void," I lied as I leaned forward onto my elbows, desperate to deflect. "You look cute."

"Aw, you think I'm cute?" he clapped his hands to his chest, unphased as if he was already prepared for flirty banter.

"I mean your outfit." I flattened my expression as I nodded at his baggy camo jeans and black utility shirt. He reached up and seemingly subconsciously fiddled with the brim of his Red Sox cap, trying and failing not to smirk.

"Well, you always look cute, Sienna." The compliment came effortlessly rolling off his lips, and I felt my heartbeat quicken ever so slightly. Not in a nervous way, but in an eager way.

I hadn't known Kevin all that long, but when boys were simple and not complicated, it was pretty obvious. Which meant flirting with him was simple and not complicated - just a little fun. After all, he was cute in a devil may care sort of way, and unlike the Prince of Darkness, he could flirt back without making me feel like I was being set on fire.

"I try," I smirked at him. "Although I did wanna rep our new shirts today."

I pointed to my t-shirt, and when his eyes widened just slightly I realized I'd inadvertently drawn his attention to my breasts. Oh well.

Kevin had really blue eyes, bright even in the dimmed lights of the theater lobby, and they glinted with innocent but intentional playfulness, almost like a puppy would. And who didn't want to play with puppies?

"These are pretty sick." He ran his hand over the lone "GUEST CHECK" shirt I had left - the pink one I'd promised Devon, with one of those trendy designs that was supposed to emulate a guest check from a New York diner on it that read "Can we get like, a few fingers? No, like people fingers?" in a swirling, handwritten pink font.

"Would you ever consider making one for us?" he asked.

"Really?" I slid forward in my chair a little too eagerly. "I mean, you'd really want me to?"

"Fuck yeah," he laughed at me, as if he thought my uncertainty was just a joke. "You're talented as hell."

My heartbeat quickened again, but not because of Kevin. Well, yes it was because of something he said, but it was the words that caught me out. This whole graphic design thing was not what I did. I'm supposed to be a Samantha Jones, not...whatever was going on here. I didn't even have a sensible comparison because it was never ever something I considered. Clearly Kevin had considered it without so much as a second thought.

I heaved out a breath to steady myself and bring myself back down to earth. "I'd have to check with Raf, just to make sure I'm not like, breaking any kind of rules or conflict of interest or whatever."

Kevin held his hands up in surrender. "I get it. Just let me know."

My body betrayed me again as I found myself glancing over towards Devon, still talking with Jeremy in the hallway leading to the backstage doors.

"He's still there, don't worry."

My whole body seized, and I wanted to melt into the floor. "Oh, no I, uh...just seems like a really intense conversation."

Seeming to buy my response, Kevin rubbed his clean-cut bearded chin. "I think Jeremy's asking him if he's up for featuring on a song tonight."

"Really?" This time I nearly flung myself out of my chair. My body was waging war against me today. "I just mean...I know that would mean a lot to him. He practically worships you guys."

Kevin made a sour face, and it was the first time I'd seen him looking anything other than content or at ease. "He worships Jeremy. I mean, hard not to, we all do. But I don't really think he likes me too much. He always gives me this intense side-eye like he's contemplating eating me or something."

I let out a wry chuckle. "No, he does that to everyone."

Kevin pinched his lips together and nodded. "I wouldn't say everyone."

My heart kicked up again, and before I could press that button on him, a group of girls about my age came up to Kevin and asked him for a picture, which he happily obliged.

I'd spent so much time exclusively with The Green Inferno that sometimes it was hard to remember that Beyond the Pines was big in the rock/metal music scene. Despite The Green Inferno's growing popularity, everyone in attendance at every show was there to see Beyond the Pines.

"Well, I better finish getting ready." This time the smile Kevin gave me was softer, almost bashful, and it was endearing. "See ya out there."

I gave him a comical salute. "Aye aye."

After he wandered off, I realized how empty the lobby had become, and I started folding up the few shirts we had left so I could catch the performance. No disrespect to Jeremy and Kevin and them, but if Devon was doing a song with them, that was what my heart lurched for.

"There you are!" Evie waved me over backstage, where she eagerly bopped around Devon, who looked far less eager and way more faint. "Devon's featuring on Beyond the Pines' second song."

"I know, Kevin told me." I offered Devon a beaming smile, but the light died immediately when I realized what I'd actually said to him, and he scowled.

"Great," he grumbled. "I love being the last one to find out things."

"Oh shush." Evie smacked his arm. "You know the song. You like the song. You can sing. I'm tired of telling you things you already know."

Devon scoffed and rolled his eyes, his gaze landing square on me, wide and pleading as if something I could say would get him to feel even slightly better.

"Just do what you've been doing." I nodded, and I refused to swallow down the words no matter how much they exposed me. "You're great. You're so fucking great."

I gave his arm a reassuring squeeze before he walked away, and when he looked back at me with a faint smile filled with relief, my whole body burned.

"You're so fucking great," Evie mocked as she bumped my hip with hers. "And you're so fucking bad at this game."

I scoffed, feeling blush creep up my neck. "What do you mean? I'm just being supportive. Am I not supposed to be?"

Evie folded her arms over her neon green mesh top and shot me an incredibly unamused look. "I told you before, you can drop the act. I see the way you look at him."

I sucked in a tight breath and held my hands up. "Okay look, even if let's say there was some type of way I did look at him, he does not look at me the same way..."

My words evaporated into thin air when I realized Evie had the slickest, most conniving smirk on, like a supervillain whose master plan was about to succeed.

"Okay Sienna, whatever you say."

I'd never seen someone so unconvinced in my life. Not only was I not nearly as good of a liar as I thought I was, but for some reason, Evie could see right through me. I couldn't even be that mad about it - I wanted a friend like that. So I folded my glass house of cards.

"Evie, I know he's your best friend, but don't say anything. Please." I pouted my lips and begged. "It's just..."

It's just that I was still so in denial and didn't want to ruin things. Everything was going well. Why would I want to mess that up just because I might have had a stupid little crush?

But I didn't say that. In fact, I didn't say anything. I didn't have to though. Evie just motioned zipping her lips up and tossing away an imaginary key. "Your secret's safe with me."

"Great." I pinched my lips together. "Thanks."

I wasn't sure how relieved I should feel. After all, Devon was still there, lurking in the dark.

During Beyond the Pines' opening song, Raf had pulled Devon aside, half for a pep talk and half to set him up in the wings with his mic and sound pack. The nerves had seemed to melt away as he shook himself out and bounced on his toes a bit.

I hadn't paid enough attention to Beyond the Pines' shows so far to really know their songs, but according to Evie, this was one they hadn't played yet, and they busted it out just so Devon could feature. It was called One of Us, and suddenly the nerves made more sense, and I couldn't even say I blamed him. He was being anointed as one of them, like a metal knight back from heroic battle in the trenches.

But when Devon re-emerged on stage, walking tall and confident as he sang his verse, I knew no matter how nervous he was, he belonged there. Even though he sang a song I'd never heard before, but I knew sure as hell that he sang it better. Sorry, Jeremy.

When he took a step up on the amp to belt out his chorus, the crowd went nuts, and I was scared my heart might have literally exploded out of my chest, flopping onto the stage still bloody and beating. Knowing Devon, he might have actually picked it up and taken a bite.

I keep telling myself that I was the victim
You were the one that pulled away
I've got a cold heart, this is the sad part,
I don't think I can change

I tried to ignore the way the chorus felt like it fit Devon a little too well, and I tried to ignore the way he and Kevin seemed to shoot each other disapproving glares back and forth across the stage.

I waited for Devon backstage after he closed the song, and this time, in full control of my body's actions, I reached up and flung my arms around his neck. He was sticky with sweat but I didn't care, because to my complete shock and awe, he hugged me back. The world might have been ending outside.

His heart wasn't cold at all. He was as warm as a thick blanket on a chilly winter day, and he was changing.

⋆ ★

a stupid little crush??? poor sienna. evie has the chance to do something so funny doesn't she?

guess we'll find out!!! thanks for reading, as always would love to hear your thoughts! we might actually be at the halfway point of the story now???