I filled the watering can, dragging it to the grave of one of the most important people in my life. My father, Thiago.

He died in a car accident because a ghost driver rammed his car at 80 mph and crashed into a wall.

I watered the flowers and sat next to his grave, praying for him and telling him how life was going. Papai would've accepted Matteo as my partner, still picking my mother's everyday flowers from our garden, and would've whooped the shit out of Gabriel for what he has done.

He was the reason why Gabriel had a hatred towards drugs and his death was why he started taking them instead. Thiago was loved by so many people and his death was the biggest tragedy of my life.

Together with Gabriel's of course. I started forgiving him over the years since I don't know what he exactly mentally dealt with.

That's why I walked to Gabriel's grave as well. They have his ashes here in Nilópolis and in San José. We've felt that Gabriel saw his birth city more as a home than the one without Papai.

I wiped a tear away from my eye and noticed how Matteo strode towards me. "Is everything alright?", He helped me with carrying the watering can to Gabriel's.

"I got a bit emotional, but that's fine. I thought you were with my mother and Arthur?" Arthur is my grandpa and Mãe flies about once a year to Nilópolis to look after him. He is in a nursing home, since there's no one to constantly care about him, and living with no legs is hard as well.

"Maria asked me to join you, she told me that you could use some company."
"Thank you, that's nice of you. I can tell you some stories of Gabriel if you like."

Matteo tensed a little but relaxed immediately again. I know that he doesn't like Gabriel from my tellings. Here I am trying to convince him that he wasn't a bad human, which is true.

"Go ahead, I'll listen."
I tried with my fingertip over the letters of his name on the stone.

"Gabriel was my best friend in my childhood, he protected me like a brother, cared for me like a friend, and loved me like a father. He wasn't always like that."
Matteo layed his arm around my shoulder and I rested my head on his.

"Was he different when he started taking drugs?"
"When he was high, yes, very. Gabriel would've never hurt family members or even women in general. Apart from that, no, not at all. That's why it was so difficult to hate him."

"I see... What about his friends?", Matteo helped me to place flowers to the stone's left and right.
"I didn't meet them personally and I don't even know if they're still alive. After Gabriel's death, a friend of his always sent me letters and money. I can show them later to you."

The letters are still in my old room, here in Nilópolis., where I've stored pretty much everything after I've moved to Carlos, so Mãe could renovate my room.

Matteo read the text beneath his name.

Aqui jaz
Gabriel Sequeira
1993-2010
Suadades eternas, sempre en nossos corações.

"He was just a child.", I shielded. 17 years isn't enough. Mat nodded, comforting me. My body held up and down.

"Old enough to know to not hurt his sister and mother." I pushed him away from me.
"You know nothing about Gabriel! If you knew him, you'd spoken differently of him!"

I agreed with anybody saying Gabriel was a jerk back then. Now I feel offended for some reason.

"I'm not so sure about that, didn't you say something about how weird his friends were?"

"You sound like Ad-...Forget about it. I'll go check up on Arthur and Mom."

I should prevent myself from not letting Adrián's name slip out of my mouth in the most inadequate moments. Especially when I'm with my boyfriend of one year.

Matteo cocked a brow. "Ad who?"
"Let's leave it. I have no power to argue."

Adrián Riviera hated my brother. They never were in contact or met and every time I sneaked him inside of my house to hang out, he escaped through the window.

Adrián kissed me needily, awkwardly grabbing my hips and pushing me onto my bed. It felt wrong to sleep with him again and again since we weren't officially together, but at the same time, it was what I needed.

We were too young for it. Yet, we felt so unbelievably mature. "Adrián...I'm scared."

His lustful gaze turned into one of worry. "I won't hurt you."
"Scared of my brother coming home."

He clenched his jaw, ransacking my room, to search for a place to hide. Eventually, he gave up and topped me, assuring me that my brother wouldn't come home before he was done with me.

We were halfway into our intercourse. More unbearable pain than lust overwhelmed me, just like most of the time. My conclusion is that sex is more a concept of pain than to actually feel good and everybody who says it feels good is just lying to make it seem more appealing to others.

Adrián sucked on my neck, trying to get more of me. I don't know if I love it or hate it. I don't know if I love having sex or hate it. I don't know if I have loved or hated our interactions the last few days. It feels like he's hiding something from me.

Well, it doesn't even feel like it. He is hiding from the police and is homeless, living with two friends of his in an abandoned skyscraper.

Suddenly a key unlocking the main door ripped us out of the motion and we panicked. "Fuck. We're fucked!" I cussed under my breath, pushing him off me and he stumbled back pulling his pants up.

I don't want to live in a house anymore, where I recognize people by the heaviness of their footsteps. Adrián climbed out of the window and I rushed towards it.

"What do you think you're doing here?!", I grabbed his leg.
"Stop it, Lara! I know what I'm doing. Meet me at the stairs later."

Hesitantly I let go of his leg, after hearing the footsteps dragging up the stairs. Adrián jumped onto the draining pipe and slid down to the garden, rushing to the fence and climbed over it.

What the fuck is wrong with him and how did he learn this shit? Is he a secret stuntman or...

Gabriel opened the door to my room with sleepy eyes and rubbed them. "Mornin'."

"It's evening, Gabriel."
"Who cares."

I assume it's a sibling's thing that they randomly walk into your room, fart, and inspect random things on your desk.

"YOU'RE DISGUSTING GABRIEL!"
I straightened my skirt and didn't notice my disheveled hair.
"What do you look so messy for.", Gabriel messed up my hair even more with a frown.

"I was playing volleyball with Kyah some minutes ago."
"I think it's called volleyball not headball. Seems like I need to teach you more things."

He read the substances of my hair products out loud, ignoring my further explanations.

"Are you clean?" I asked, trying not to switch the tone to fear.
"I showered this morning, I hope so."

Another day of Gabriel avoiding obvious questions. I noticed some wine-red spots on his throat. The same ones I have every time he choked me.

"What happened here?", I pressed my finger in his throat and he flinched, shoving me off.
"Not your business. I am involved in things that aren't suitable for little girls like you."

He placed the bottle of conditioner back on my shelf. "I'm one year younger than you!"

"Yeah. Emphasizes the word younger. Little Butterfly."
"How are your friends doing?"

"You don't need to know about any of them."

Yeah, jerks.

Mãe and Uncle Arthur were just quitting the house as I joined them for a stroll in the park. Nilópolis is a dangerous city, that was also the reason why I was only allowed to go out with Gabriel.

"Larinha, I found the keys to your old room, you can show them to your boyfriend later.", Arthur mentioned, adjusting the blanket over himself, while Mãe pushed the wheelchair.

Right, the situation with Matteo. My mother blew a curl out of her face, overthinking something.
"Is everything alright, Mom?"

"Me? Oh, yes yes. Don't worry."
She seemed off today, I don't know what happened."

Later that day I showed Matteo my room pushing the negative thoughts from earlier aside. My pretty pink and purple room. I explained to him some things I got from my school, letters from friends and...then there were the letters from "G". Gabriel's friend.

"Look what we have here...", I handed the yellowish letter to Matteo. He read it out loud and with every further sentence I realized why it was beneficial to store them in Brazil.

Dear Lara,

I'm a friend of your brother and you've probably never met me and never will, which is for the better. But I feel like your brother's wish was that someone look after you. That's why I am sending you some money to take care of yourself. I'm sorry for your loss, Gabriel was a great person and we will miss him and mourn his death for the rest of our lives.

~G

Matteo folded the letter, reading more. "Do you know what his name was?"
"His dealer was called George, maybe you can help me find him?"

He shrugged, scratching his head. "It will be hard, but I'll do the best I can."

Digging deeper in the box we found several origami butterflies and my eyes needed to doubletake. Gabriel bought as a joke origami paper one day and self-taught him how to do butterflies and he had so much fun with making these that he made me hundreds of them.

I found many pictures of me and my family. Gabriel carrying me, us visiting a butterfly house, or how I baked with Gabriel and ended up with having flour everywhere and a father who was freaking out. I didn't only store letters from George in my room. The box with Adrián's gifts was right next to the one of Gabriel and I screeched when Matteo opened it.

"NO DON'T!"
I was embarrassed. I shouldn't have kept the things of him in the first place.
"I didn't mean to...I'm sorry." Matteo put the box away.

"No, I'm sorry. It's just...It brings me bad memories."
He stared at me vacantly. "Talk to me about it."
Mat took my hand and placed it on his thigh.

I inhaled, trying to find the right words. "Adrián was my first love. Not my boyfriend, I don't even know what we were. We had something going on right after I moved to San José, until he vanished one day. I think he got arrested or murdered, I don't know..."

Matteo pulled me into a hug. "I didn't mean to upset you earlier. I didn't know what Gabriel was like...it's just hard to speak well of a person that hurt my girlfriend."

"If Gabriel would be alive right now, I wouldn't forgive him."
He rummaged his hand through my hair.
"And why?"

"Because he hurt me, without apologizing. Gaslighting me into thinking he didn't hurt me and I was making up stuff and our mother brainwashed me. He had enough time to apologize before he overdosed. I forgive him as a teenager, but as a grown-up, I wouldn't. Not in this life. Not even in the next one."

"So you just like the memory of his good side?"
"I liked his heart. Gabriel probably would be more mature now if he survived. But only God knows what happened to him."