4. Finding out

It is 20:00 and I'm in the train on my way to my date with Namjoon. We've decided to eat at Jin's brother's BBQ restaurant since he knows I love meat. Today I went for a cute but at the same time sexy look. I'm wearing a beige one-piece dress, underneath a long-sleeved white top and black high overknees. My hair is open and curly and I put on some rosy smell perfume to counteract the meaty smell. The train arrives at Hongdae and I get off. I walk upstairs and see Namjoon waiting for me. He wears a simple outfit what I love on men the most, a basic black shirt and blue jeans with sneakers. His hair is gelled back; it's like the "rich boys" hairstyle. He sees me and welcomes me with a smile. I smile back and we walk into the restaurant. We are seated next to the window. Namjoon orders the meat and some soju and beer. I've never drunken alcohol before since my parents are very strict on those things on me, especially because of my condition. But today I want to feel free and loosen up. I want to be a bad girl. The waiter comes with the drinks and the meat. Namjoon grills the meat and gives me pieces of it first. It tastes so delicious, soft and juicy. We make meat wrapped in lettuce and feed them to each other and drink a mixture of soju and beer, somaek, kkrrrrr. Alcohol doesn't taste that bad as I have thought it would. We take love shots where basically our arms are intertwined and our faces are almost touching. After a couple more shots I start blushing and my stomach feels uneasy. It feels super weird, almost as if I am not myself anymore and lose control. Namjoon's face is red as well, I guess he can't take alcohol that well either. My head starts to feel heavy so I support it on my hand. I get sleepy while Namjoon is getting super hyped up and his hands are all over the place. I have never seen him this energized before. He sits beside me and takes my hands in both of his."Ema, do you feel unwell? You seem really tired. I think we should leave. Do you want me to take you home?" As my view gets narrower I look into his eyes, so lovely. I get closer to him and whisper into his ear:"Take me to your place instead?" He smirks mischievously and leans in to kiss me.

BLACKOUT

My head is spinning and I feel dizzy. When I try to open my eyes, Namjoon opens the curtains widly and the brightness makes my eyes squint tightly. "Aaaaghhh. My head hurts." Namjoon comes to me with a glass of water and medicine," Drink it." "I don't want to", I say in my cute voice. He grabs the back of my head and helps me sit up."You need to take the medicine. You were quite drunk yesterday. I don't want you to be hurt, Hmmm?" I grab my mouth and run to the bathroom. I throw up into the toilet and Namjoon rushes behind me, holding my long curly hair up. I wash my mouth, brush my teeth with a new toothbrush he gave me and go back into the bed. Worried, he looks at me with a sad face. I feel like he is interrogating me. "What's wrong with my face? Why do you look at me this way?" He keeps looking down and I start to worry as well. Did I do anything wrong yesterday? I must have been a mess. Shit. Does he not like me anymore? Ema, why don't you remember anything anymore? I hit my hand on my head. So, we were taking shots and then he sat next to me and we KISSED. But that can't be the reason he is acting this way towards me. Something feels wrong. "Is it because we kissed?", I ask insecurly. Namjoon looks at my confused face and starts bursting into laughter:"What do you mean we kissed. Just when I was about to, you threw up on me and I called the taxi home." He starts laughing more hysterically now, clapping his hands loudly. "I am so sorry, Namjoon oppa. I didn't mean to do that." I feel so embarrassed and vulnerable. He grabs my cheeck with his right hand and says in a seductive voice:"Yes, babygirl, keep calling me oppa." My cheeks warm up and he can feel it too. I didn't even think about calling him oppa. It just came out naturally. Oh my.

I still have this uneasy feeling that he has not told me everything yet. His reaction seemed odd like he was trying to hide the truth behind his hysterical laugh and he was trying to get the conversation going somewhere else. I take his hand that was still on my cheek and take it in both of mine. I look straight into his eyes and ask:"Did really nothing happen between us?" "I swear nothing happened between us. But your horny ass probably wanted it though", he says and winks at me. How embarrassing. I shouldn't have asked. Quickly, I hide my face in the blanket and he leaves, saying he will wait for me downstairs in the kitchen.

I don't know how to feel about this situation. I freshen up and change into the clothes that he laid beside the bed for me. When I was on my way downstairs, I overheard Namjoon talking to Jin about what happened yesterday. I was about to go to the kitchen, Namjoon was sitting down, his back towards me. But when I heard Namjoons worried voice talking about me, I decided to stay on the stairs and listen to what he says. The final truth about what happened yesterday. "Hyung, when we were on the taxi ride back home. Her head was leaning on my shoulders and I thought she was sleeping but then she started sleep talking." "What did she say?", Jin asks busy chopping the vegetables. Namjoon's voice starts to tremble and he says:" She..She is ill. She will leave this world very soon." He starts crying uncontrollably. I hear Jin's knife falling down to the ground. I look over to seeing him with a face of disbelief and shock. He goes over to Namjoon and hugs him to comfort him. Jin knows how much he cares for me. I break down and my tears start to fall over my face. I can't believe he found out about my heart disease. Will I lose him now? My chest starts to burn. The last time it hurt this bad was before I came to Korea. I hold my chest and my breathing gets harder and harder. My heart rate monitor starts beeping. I lose my balance and fall down the stairs. The boys hear the loud noise and rush over to me. Moveless, I am lying on the floor. My body was paralyzed. Namjoon holds me in his arms and continues weeping and screams:"Hyung please help me. I can't lose her now. Ema, please wake up. Don't do this to me. You can't leave, okay?" He keeps shaking me."Don't worry. I will start the car. Let's drive to the hospital", Jin says rushing to the car. I feel my body being lifted off the ground and then I lose my consciousness.

1 day later

Slowly opening my eyes, I feel Namjoon holding my hand. He is sleeping on my bedside with a stressed face. I feel so sorry that he has found out now, that I made him worried. I start sobbing. He hears me and wakes up instantly. As soon as he sees me, he pulls me into his warm hug. I really missed this feeling and keep on crying more. "Are you fine? Do you feel any pain? Should I call the doctor?", he asks me concerned and pulls out of the hug, both of his hands grabbing my arms. "No, don't call the doctors. I am fine. It's just that I was scared you found out. I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier and you had to find out this way." He hugs me again and says now crying:" It's okay. Don't worry about me. It must've been hard for you all along. But you are not alone in this anymore. I will stay by your side. We will get through this together." He breaks the hug and holds my hands looking straight into my eyes:" Ema, I like you. Will you be my girlfriend?" I am shocked and touched at the same moment. Is this real? Not a dream? "Yes, I will." Namjoon smiles brightly and proclaims joyfully:"Then this will be our first day." I am happy our relationship starts with no secrets. Still, our first day as a couple starts at a hospital and will surely end this way as well. Yet, I don't think about the consequences our relationship will have and pretend we could actually live as a normal couple. Just for once, I hope I will have a happy ending.