1. Florence and I

Hello my name is Ema and I am 18 years old. Who would've thought I could live such a long life. My doctors thought I couldn't even live pass the age of five and here I am, still alive. What is the easiest task to survive and all of you can do unconsciously without feeling any pain? It is breathing. Well, that sounds easy for most of you all but I have a heart disease. I was diagnosed with congenital heart disease. My heart just doesn't work like it should do. When most kids spent their childhood playing in the playground with their friends, running around, falling down and standing up again, learning how to ride a bike and having fun, I remember my childhood to be in the hospital and undergoing surgery, taking more and more medication and being lonely. I didn't have any friends since I wasn't in school for long period of time. I couldn't concentrate in school because my school peers had different causes for their stress. While for them school grades and homework made them stress a lot, for me I was on the edge of dying so often. The only friends I had I met in the hospital but they were only short term friends. We didn't want to get too attached together since we didn't want to hurt when one of us might pass away. My parents worry about me so much. They finance a research for CHD but there still is no cure. My parents would give up all their wealth for me to be healthy but unfortunately you can't buy health. That's how life is. Sometimes, I feel like I'm living for them to be happy. But I understand it because they've had a rough time.

My older sister Florence was problematic. I'm not using past tense because she isn't anymore but she is dead. As a teenager she would always be at parties, drinking, doing drugs and hooking up with guys. She would steal mother's credit card and buy the most expensive shoes, bags, jewelry, makeup and clothes. Our parents knew about it but they just let her do whatever. Rebelling is a part of life they thought. She would often come home very late or not come home in weeks, even months. As a child she would often leave home, waiting for someone to search for her. Florence had many inner conflicts and couldn't deal with them by herself. All the anger that piled up in her was thrown at me. Sometimes I was scared but also happy that she would give me attention. That assured me that she at least acknowledged my existence. Flo was depressed and suicidal. In our household she would never be able to talk about mental illness. It's a taboo in our culture. Our parents don't understand that mental health is important. If she would try to talk with them, they would probably think she is just acting up like always and she should be grateful that she grows up in a wealthy family because most people don't. They would say that she doesn't even know the hardships of life and how hard it was for them to grow up poor in their country and build a successful business with nothing in a foreign country without knowing the language.

When she was 18, she wanted to seek professional help and went to the hospital. The doctors told her that the stations are all full and her case doesn't seem to be serious enough since she never even attempted suicide before. These bastard doctors didn't take my sister in and didn't help her since they thought it wasn't serious enough. Just because they thought she is young and it's a passing phase and every teen goes through that, right? Because they couldn't physically see she was hurting. And what do you think my savage sister did? She went to the roof of the hospital and jumped off without hesitation. No one was there for her. No one stopped her although she already told the doctors she didn't feel well. The only thing they needed to do was listening and taking her seriously. Flo was in a coma for three months and ended up paraplegic. Our parents told everyone she had a car accident because their reputation and business was more important to them. They are very successful and wealthy but they never had time for my sister. Even after she woke up they were too busy to visit. I was the only one who visited her because I was in the hospital anyways but she wanted me gone, gone from her life.
Florence told me that if I really loved her I should do her a favor and die. She said that she will never be able to love me and forgive me. To be honest I don't understand why her mother's suicide has anything to do with me. It happened before I was even born. Her mother was married to our father but he cheated on her with my mom. Our father divorced her mother and married my mom and they had me. Father told me that her mom was psychic, hallucinating and extremely jealous to the point that she would lock him up in their bedroom so he couldn't leave her. They couldn't trust each other. After they divorced, her mother hanged herself and Florence saw her mom die in front of her. She was four years old and understandably didn't know what to do in that situation. She just sat in the corner of the room and cried. If she had called the ambulance or informed the neighbors, her mom might've not died. It must've been traumatic. Florence felt guilty for her death and tried to make my life like hell. As if it wasn't enough that I was terminally ill. She had to put salt in my wounds.

Flo used my love and innocence towards her and broke my weak heart so many times. She used to be very jealous because all the attention of our father was on me since I'm ill. But I didn't want to be ill. She wanted the attention I have gotten and wanted to be pitied. She'd tell me that I deserved to be ill and that was my punishment. Florence didn't even understand how much pain I had to go through. I didn't even want all the love and care. That just made me worried more that my parents might be devastated when I'm gone. I wish they just would've shown her that they loved and cared for her as well. My parents definitely loved her but they aren't good at showing it. Although she hated me I still looked up to her and imitated her because she's my older sister and that annoyed her. Why I loved her? I don't have an answer for it. It's somewhat natural. No matter how bad she treated me and how often she yelled at me, I loved her no matter what.

After ten years being in a wheelchair, one day her fiancé went out to buy groceries. He forgot his purse so he went up again and Florence jumped out off the balcony of their apartment that was on the 40th floor. Her fiancé said that there weren't any signs of her feeling suicidal again. Her fiancé was a really good man who helped and loved my sister a lot and Flo was even able to walk some steps after he practiced with her. A note was found on her nightshelf. It said: "I am sorry, I love you but I have to do it". I hope she rests in peace. She finally was able to end the life she didn't want to live in the first place. I love you, Flo.