Chapter 17 ✧In A Disorderly Fashion✧

Walking into the school with the others, I tried not to make it blatantly obvious how nervous I was beginning to feel. When the miniature book club Scott had pulled together was over and I had started getting ready to fall asleep, I'd looked into my journal to the page I had been sure to stick the necklace of Genevieve's, only to find it was no longer there. I had immediately dumped out the contents of my backpack to look for it and when it wasn't there I had scoured my room. I couldn't find it anywhere. 

A part of me hoped that it might be in my locker, and so the same part of me wanted to sprint through the hallways to see if that was true. The more rational part of me, though, knew that would probably alert the other's that I was having a mental breakdown, which with Dread Doctors around they probably didn't have time to deal with. This was my own mystery that I had to get to the bottom of, I didn't bother them with any of it. I also didn't want to find out what they would think of me if they did figure out that what was going on in my head could actually make Beacon Hills look near perfect. 

Absent-mindedly, Scott put a hand on my back as if he was going to guide me through the doors into school and, having not expect him to do so, my breath caught as I flinched because, well, getting scared and jumping seemed to be my most unshakable traits. Instinctively, Scott withdrew his hands as he looked at me with wide eyes. His face held a look of guilt which in turn made me feel guilty for causing it. 

"Sorry," Scott said hurriedly. "I-I forgot. I didn't mean to scare you or anything, it was just kind of instinct." 

For a second, I almost asked what he had forgotten. Then I remembered who I was. I was a girl who came from an abusive household and for years wasn't able to look a person in their eye. I was the girl who didn't have any parents, who's brother died in combat, and was thrust into the supernatural world when she was already terrified of everything in the regular world. I have changed a lot over the years and I've learned to function more like a neurotypical person without anxiety or voices in their heads, but there were somethings you can never unlearn, that your body can ever really be untrained to reacting too.

Flinching at sudden movements happened to be one of those thing. For years my body had learned to cave in with any kind of pressure in hopes to relieve some of the pain from it, and so as a defense mechanism it still did so. Just like my anxiety had been trained to be triggered by anything that made me feel like the people that I loved or I was in trouble. It expected the worse possible outcome of every outcome and I had no control over it. Maybe that's why I was having so much trouble come clean about myself and what was going on. Nothing could ever fix the fear that had been hard-wired into my brain. Maybe sometimes it could fade away into the background and the new qualities I have strengthen can mute it out from time to time but at the end of the day, it would always be there. 

And perhaps that's exactly what's going to be happen with the voices and visions. There are some things you just can't escape. 

Scott kept his eyes trained on me when I didn't respond to him. Kira and Stiles, who had also been walking with us, had also quieted. Scott must've picked up on the fact that there was nothing I could say to that and cleared his throat so the others would start back up the conversation that they were having. 

As Stiles began to talk, Scott gave me a soft smile, the very same smile he had given me when Isaac had taken to me to Scott at the animal clinic over two years ago, and just as I knew he could be trusted then, I trusted him now. I guess just as there are the bad parts of life that you can't escape, there are good things too, like having Scott as a friend, and I was glad I had finally learned to accept them. I wanted to confide in him, but bringing myself to do so was going to take time, like everything else that I had to learn to do. 

"So," Stiles said, giving me a quick nod to assure himself I was fine and then looking back to Scott. "How are we supposed to trigger a memory that we don't remember?"

"Maybe it's a delayed thing," Scott offered as we all began walking down the hall again. I only half listened as I waited for an appropriate time to break off and go to my locker to search it. Things always seemed to be way too complicated around here. "Maybe we have to wait a couple of hours to see what happens," Scott added. 

The lights above us flickered which once again caused our group to slow. Scott looked over to Kira and I absently did the same. 

Kira looked back and forth between the three pairs of eyes that were studying here. "That wasn't me, I swear," She promised. I had a feeling I knew almost exactly how she felt, and seeing the way Scott hesitated when he looked at her made me feel sick. 

"We need to keep and eye out for each other," Scott eventually said. 

Stiles looked around the hallway. "We also need to keep an eye out on any other potentially homicidal chimeras." 

"And keep an eye out for the Dread Doctors," Kira added on wearily. 

"I just really want to go to my locker," I murmured to myself, not even actually realizing I was saying the thought out loud until it was too late. 

Stiles let out a short chuckle before stepping back and motioning his arm outwards, knowing that around the corner was the hallway where my locker was. I quickly said a goodbye to everyone before ducking my head and hurrying to the locker. Raising my hand up to start putting in my combination, I first made sure to look over my shoulders. Unsurprisingly, the others had already continued walking down the hallway. 

Moving as fast as possible, I put in the three magic numbers that held the key to me seeing if I had truly screwed up royally. The locker door swung open and all I saw were my textbooks. I frantically rifled threw them, murmuring unknowingly under my breath about the necklace. I felt my mind feel hazy and for a moment the only thing i could concentrate on, the only thing I even cared about, was that I'd lost the necklace. I might never get the answers I needed and threw me into a world of utter hysterics as I dug desperately around my locker for it. 

I didn't realize how crazed I looked until I began to feel eyes staring at me. Freezing, I looked out in the corner of my eyes to see two girls glancing at me before putting there heads together and talking. I don't know if they were trying to not let me here what they were saying but if they were, they were doing a terrible job. 

"You know, in psych class we learned that victims of abuse were thirty percent more likely of committing violent crimes," one of the girls was saying. "You know, like murder and all that stuff you see in Criminal Minds." 

"You think her dad beat her into being a serial killer?" Her friend responded in a hushed horror. "Oh my god is that why her brother left." 

"Or maybe he's off killing people, too," The girl glanced over her shoulder at me and I quickly dropped my eyes from them. "I'm just saying, maybe we should find different lockers. I don't care who she dates and how normal she tries to be with those friends of hers, one day she is going to break and drop the tortured soul act and I don't want to be this close to her when she does." 

I realized that I wasn't breathing and tried to make my self inhale, but instead I couldn't take in any air as I breathed in and what was supposed to be an exhale turned into a sob. I turned away from the girls and tried to hide my face in my locker as I felt tears beginning to roll silently down my cheeks. 

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't use my locker as a good enough shield between me and the world of teenagers. I wish my locker was bigger. I wanted to climb inside of it and lock myself away. Suddenly those tails of princesses with a dragon for a guard between them and the rest of the world made so much sense to me. I wanted to hide away in a tower and never curse the human race with whatever I was supposed to be. But instead I had a locker that could barely fit my books, much less me so I could stay in their for the rest of eternity

"Charlotte?" Suddenly Liam was standing beside me. I tried to act like I hadn't been crying but I knew he saw the tears because I saw his body become rigid. "What happened?" 

Using my sleeve, I rubbed at my eyes, probably only making them look only more puffy. For one of the first time's since I'd met Liam, I felt myself wanting to hide away from him too. "I-I don't know where I went wrong." 

Liam reached out and gently tugged on my elbow, slowly making me turn towards him. He leaned against the locker next to mine and stood almost as close as possible to me as he could. It was almost like he was trying to make it seem like he was the only other person on the planet. I appreciated the effort. 

"Talk to me," Liam spoke softly. That was all I needed to really break down. 

I didn't mean to make a scene but there was also nothing I could do to stop it. Just like that I'd started crying again, this time the tears torrential as I choked on sob after sob. It had to be the most hideous look, but Liam just pulled me closer. I didn't have the effort to push him away any more and instead collapsed into him. I don't think I would've stayed standing if he didn't hold me up. 

"I-I tried so hard to be normal for so long," I whimpered as I buried my face into his shoulder. "But everyone knows that I'm not. Everyone seems to know that no matter what I'm always going to be that girl. The abused orphan. A-and I don't even know if that's my worst quality anymore." 

"You have no bad qualities." Liam's warm breath beat down on the side of my neck. "And what people think defines you isn't actually what makes you who you are. I'd be pretty screwed if all I let myself amount to was my IED. You're not just your past or your anxiety. It's a part of you but it's not all of you." 

I nodded, taking a moment to let his words calm my tears. "I just thought I could be normal for a little while. I thought maybe I could grow out of it all and things could be better for me. That I could get better. I want it all to go away." 

"I really hate to break this to you but I don't think you can ever be even close to normal when your dating a werewolf, living with another werewolf, and then also have a werewolf brother," Liam joked softly. Then he cleared his throat so he could go back to reassuring me. "And this is something anyone can run away from. Trust me, I've tried. And I'm definitely not cured, I'm just coping. I think that's all we can ever hope for. I think it's also been pretty good for us to cope together, don't you?" 

If I hadn't known Liam was a werewolf I might've felt bad for how tightly I was wrapping my arms around him. Loosening my grip slightly, I nodded. I felt guilty for forgetting that even though his disorder was a different one then mine and controlled his life differently, he still had one nonetheless. In more ways then one we were in the same boat, one a little rickety and not as nice as everyone else's in school, but at least we were on it together. 

It was probably my turn to talk, and so I almost spilled my guts out to him right then and there about everything. I actually kind of wanted to talk about Genevieve Carodine even though it all scared me to death, which I knew was a big step, but then I hesitated. I guess Liam took that hesitation as a cue that I wasn't going to talk because he spoke up once again. 

"Hey, so look," Liam paused, pressing his lips to the side of my head as if to assure me that he knew my problems weren't over, but that for the time being it was safe to try to carry on. He pulled away and continued talking. "Gym today is supposed to be outside, and my class is during your free period, so maybe if you'd want you could come watch or something. I know Mason is going to be coming." 

Looking into his eyes I nodded. "Yeah, I think I'd like that." 

It had been awhile since I'd let myself have time with Mason. That was just how it was sometimes those, intervals of having the strength to put myself in a social situation and then not being able to once again. A vicious unending cycle, but, once again, if I was lucky it could be something I could learn to cope with. 

Liam smiled softly and rose a hand to wide away any traces of tears that were left. "Okay, great. Hey, how did that little pack book club go." 

Liam helped me collect both myself and my things as we began to head to class together so I could tell him how surprisingly uneventful reading the book about the Dread Doctors had been so far. 

so recently i've been noticing comments on chapters of scared to death where people were complaining that charlotte was whiny and annoying and her thinking she was useless was just stupid. now i know my writing when i wrote that story wasn't the best and things could've be explained better but it is so important to me to spread the message that charlotte has a mental disorder and that someone's mental state is controllable or something they can just get over. the scenes throughout this chapter was me trying to convey that. just because charlotte no longer has abuse in her life doesn't mean it's over for her. for people that batlle mental illnesses it's never over. and they cope with things differently. sometimes, they degress in their mission to try and 'get better' and that's okay. i'm not going to let anything shame charlotte's character into being something more likable and easier to deal with. 

charlotte is my baby not only because she was my first character that i really connected to and could give meaning to but because she is so real in a story were most things aren't. i guess that's all but i felt like that needed to be said. sorry if you find her story line annoying or boring, but it's something people go through and it never just goes away. and her feelings for liam aren't a 'cure' either and i in no ways want that to be the message that i'm sending. if that's not for you then maybe you don't need to continue reading this story. i'm done with the negative comments about a very serious disorder. this is something real that i along with countless others struggle with. 

thank you to whoever read that because i felt like that was something important that i needed to say. this was pretty much a filler chapter, but it still had important themes that go to show both charlotte and laim's relationship and charlotte's development.

question - to continue with my theme of acknowledging and accepting any and all disorders, my question of the chapter is simply if anybody likes how i'm trying to portray her disorder and if you have any advice on how i could make it better?