After finding out what happened to Bryan Emanuel, my mind just went blank. Next thing I knew, I was putting on my black dress and grabbing my things. Sa sobrang pagkabalisa, ni hindi ko na nagawang sagutin si Papa nang magtanong siya kung saan ako pupunta. Basta na lang ako umalis at dumiretso sa bus terminal.

I was overcome with so much guilt that I found myself crying as I sat inside the bus, on the way back to the city I promised never to return to.

Madilim na ang kalangitan nang makarating ako sa tahanan ng mga Emanuel. Hindi ako nahirapan dahil binigay sa akin ni Diamond ang address, at alam agad ng mga tricycle driver ang ibig kong sabihin nang magtanong-tanong ako.

I kept my head low as I walked through the gate. Scared that people would recognize me, I quickened my pace but I ended up bumping into a girl.

"I'm so sorry!" My voice trembled a bit as I bowed over and over again.

Before I could even walk away, the girl suddenly grabbed my arm and gasped, "Marika?!"

It felt like everyone's eyes were suddenly on me. Just imagining the stares and whispers–it became hard for me to breathe.

"S-sorry..." I bowed again and continued to walk, but the girl blocked my way and raised both of her arms sideward.

"Marika, sorry pero bawal ka raw rito. Bilin ni Tree na 'wag na 'wag kang papapasukin," sabi pa niya.

Tree. Just hearing her name scared me to the core. However, no matter how scared I was of her, I was more determined to see Braylee and apologize for all the shit I put her through.

"P-please, kahit ilang minuto lang? Gusto ko lang talagang makausap si Braylee." It took everything in me not to cry my eyes out as I pleaded. "Alam kong huli na ang lahat, pero gusto ko pa rin siyang makausap. Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa lahat ng ginawa ko."

***

My lips trembled as I walked toward the large portrait of Bryan Emanuel. The blue and white flowers around it were as beautiful as the smile on his face. I used to envy Braylee so much for having a brother like him. The way he always fetched her after class, came to our classroom to poke fun of her every time she had to report in front of everyone, cheered for her during presentations, helped her excel in every project, and even put little snacks on her food tray whenever they came across each other at the cafeteria.

I could only bow my head and silently apologize for the hell I put his sister through.

"Hey."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin nang biglang may lumapit sa akin. It was Ate Tree, Bryan Emanuel's girlfriend.

"A-Ate Tree..." I was too much of a coward to look her in the eyes.

Bigla niya akong hinawakan sa braso at hinila. Alam ko ang bigat ng kasalanan ko kaya naman sumunod lamang ako sa kanya hanggang sa makarating kami sa kusina, malayo sa mga mata at tainga ng lahat.

The door slammed shut, making me flinch. Part of me was scared that she would slap me as soon as we were away from the crowd, but I knew in my heart that I'd deserve it.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito? Nakita ka ba ni Braylee?" Her voice was as cold as the last time we talked.

I swallowed hard, tears filling up my eyes again as I scrambled through my thoughts and words. "A-Ate, totoo bang matagal nang may sakit ang kuya ni Braylee? M-may nagsabi na noong high school pa lang daw kami ay may–"

"Nakita ka ba ni Braylee?" Ate Tree sounded more worried than angry as she repeated.

Umiling-iling ako habang nakatitig pa rin sa sahig. "I j-just really want to see her and apologize for everything–"

"Look, I don't have the time to figure out whether you're really sorry or putting on a show, but if you're really sorry, please just go home. Braylee will only get upset if she sees you. She's going through the darkest period of her life and if she sees you again, she'll only remember everything you put her through. Do you understand that?"

Ate Tree's words horrified me because I realized that she was right. It horrified me even more because it never even crossed my mind.

I kept claiming that I was no longer the selfish and cruel Marika from high school, but there I was still proving myself wrong.

"S-sige ate, uuwi na ako. Pasensiya na talaga." I felt so guilty about everything. Scared that Braylee would see me, I ran straight out of the door without even looking back.

I felt eyes on me the entire time, but I was more scared to cross paths with Braylee. I was so dumb for going there in the first place.

When I walked out of the gate, I thought I would be finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. I was wrong.

"Marika?"

Napako ako sa kinatatayuan nang makita ko ang apat sa mga naging barkada ko noong high school. Nasa gilid lang sila ng sidewalk, nakatambay sa dalawa nilang nakaparadang motorsiklo habang naninigarilyo.

"Gago, hindi 'yan si Marika. Sa dami ng utang no'n dito, hindi na 'yon babalik."

"Mas sira ka! Si Marika 'yan, o! Marika, tagal mong 'di nagpakita, a? 'Lika nga rito! Parang walang pinagsamahan!"

I quickly looked around, scared of the attention that we would get. The last thing I wanted was to cause a scene and disturb the wake.

"Girl, long-time no see! Si Jina 'to, gaga!" One of them started screaming while jumping and clapping around. 

Tumakbo ako palapit sa kanila. Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Jina na siyang may pinakamalakas at matalas na boses sa kanila.

"Shhh... baka madistorbo sila sa loob," giit ko lalo't katabi lang namin ang pader sa bakuran ng bahay nina Braylee.

"Edi madistorbo sila! Nasa labas tayo! Pakialam ba nila!" patawa-tawang tugon naman ni Paul, buong lakas na sigaw ang bawat salita.

"Paul!" pabulong kong saway.

"Nga pala, ba't nandito ka? 'Di ba binu-bully mo si Braylee noon? Ayieee, minulto ka ng kuya niya 'no?" kantiyaw naman ni Anton.

"Don't worry, hindi na raw 'yon nakakagalaw nang machugi. He'll just be like a vegetable ghost or something. Not scary at all. I mean, baka matawa ka na lang imbes na matatakot," sabi pa ni Jina at lalo lamang silang nagtawanan.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! It's not funny at all!" saway ko sa kanila. "Don't make jokes about people with disabilities!"

Lumapit sa akin si Zara at yumakap sa braso ko. "Oh, don't be a hypocrite. 'Di ba nga pinagtitripan mo 'yong bingi nating kaklase noon?"

My heart sank knowing that Zara was right. I used to do just that and I will forever hate myself for it.

"Oo, at alam ko na ngayong maling-mali ang ginawa ko. Hinding-hindi ko na 'yon gagawin ulit," giit ko naman. "Come on, we're adults now! It's time to clean up our act–"

Binitiwan ako ni Zara at marahang tinulak. "Yuck! Korni mo naman, nagbibiruan lang tayo rito. 'Wag ka ngang masyadong seryoso."

"Marika, stress lang 'yan dahil sa mga naniningil sa inyo. Sabi na sa 'yong magpatira ka na lang doon sa mga barkada ng ninong ko. Malay mo makahanap ka pa ng sugar daddy na aayos sa lahat ng problema mo," sabi pa ni Anton, bagay na nagpaalab sa galit ko. Sa kabila nito, huminga na lamang ako nang malalim at pilit na nagtikom ng bibig.

"Sige ka, mamaya sapilitan ka pang titirahin ng mga 'yon. Dehado ka kasi walang bayad kapag nagkataon," sabi naman ni Paul at muli silang nagtawanan.

"O, 'wag kang OA! Nagbibiro lang si Paul!" pataray na saway naman ni Jina sa akin.

"Jokes are supposed to be funny, not make people uncomfortable." I looked at them one by one. "If you think there's anything funny about sexual assault and disabilities, then there's clearly something wrong with you."

I started walking away from them but Zara suddenly blocked my way. "Kung makapagsalita ka parang ang linis-linis mo, a?"

"I'm not denying all the awful things I said and did in the past. I'll always be sorry and guilty for them. And you bet I'll do my best not to make the same mistakes again. You guys should too." Sinubukan ko siyang lagpasan pero humarang na rin si Jina sa akin.

"Parang ang sarap tawagan no'ng kaklase ko sa P.E, a? Sa pagkakaalam ko, kasali ang tatay niya sa mga nabiktima ninyo. Isang tawag lang, tiyak susugod 'yon dito kasama ang iba pang biktima," pagbabanta ni Jina habang may ngisi sa mukha.

"Pinagbabantaan mo talaga ako?" Ngumisi rin ako at nagtaas ng kilay, pero ang totoo ay kinabahan ako. Ayokong sumugod sila rito at madistorbo ang pagluluksa ng pamilya nina Braylee.

"Hala, Jina... Ayaw maniwala, o? Sampolan mo nga!" pang-uudyok naman nina Paul at Anton.

"Tabi-tabi po!"

Sa isang iglap, bigla na lamang may sumigaw. Napatingala ako at laking gulat nang makita ang tubig mula bakuran nina Braylee. Dumiretso ang napakaraming tubig patungo sa amin, kasama pa ang palangganang may kalakihan. At kung mamalasin, sa akin dumiretso ang lahat ng tubig, pati na ang palanggana.

In just a split second, I was soaking wet. All four of my old friends were laughing at me. They were lucky enough to only get partially splashed, while I got the brunt of everything.

"Oh shit..."

Mula sa tuktok ng pader na adorno ng mga bulaklak ng bougainvillea, dumungaw ang ulo ng isang lalake. Bakas ang takot sa kanyang mukha nang magtama ang mga mata namin. "Shit! Shit! Shit! Miss, sorry!"

"Grabe talagang balik sa 'yo ng karma, girl. No wonder bait-baitan ka na ngayon." Humagikgik si Zara.

My fury was extinguished by Zara's words. It was a painful reminder of my reality. That I will always be the root of every bad thing that happens to me.

Naglakad ako palayo, hindi alintana ang tubig na pumapatak pa mula sa buhok at katawan ko. Basang-basa man, nanatili akong taas-noo at pilit binalewala ang mga pagtawag nila.

I deserve this—I kept repeating to myself over and over again like it was some mantra that would keep me from completely falling apart. Actually, it was.

"Miss, sandali!"

Nahinto ako sa paglalakad nang bigla na lamang humarang ang isang lalake sa harapan ko. Sa sobra niyang paghangos, lumunok pa siya ng ilang beses para lang habulin ang sariling paghinga. Kapansin-pansin ang suot niyang apron na halatang napakaliit para sa may katangkaran niyang pangangatawan.

I recognized his voice and the shadow of his face. It was the guy who threw water over the wall. The orange hues from the streetlight made it difficult for me to see his face clearly, but I was sure it was him.

Lumingon ako at pansin kong napakatahimik na ng madilim na sidewalk at animo'y nasa kani-kanilang kabahayan na ang lahat. Hindi ko na tanaw ang bahay nina Braylee. Ni hindi ko man lang namalayan na sobrang layo na pala ng nilakad ko.

"It's okay. It was an accident." Humarap akong muli sa lalake pero ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang bigla niyang hinubad ang kanyang apron at isinuot ito sa akin.

I froze where I stood and just looked at him as he hung the apron around my neck. It felt as if we were suddenly on top of a stage, and he was giving me a hard-earned medal.

Nakuha niya pang tumayo sa likod ko upang itali ang strap ng apron sa akin. Ako naman si tanga na naiwang nakatulala.

"Dito ka lang, babalikan kita," aniya bago muling tumakbo pabalik sa dinadaanan niya.

All of a sudden, I found myself standing on a dark and empty sidewalk, soaking wet while wearing an apron. "Siraulong lalakeng 'yon..."

And just when I thought it couldn't be worse, bigla na lamang bumuhos ang ulan.

***

"Ano nang gagawin ko nito..." I felt hopeless as I stared at my wallet. It wasn't empty, pero puro bus ticket at kung ano-anong basura lang ang laman nito. May debit card nga pero closed na ang account dahil hindi man lang nakaabot sa maintaining balance.

Twenty-four pesos. 'Yon na lang ang laman ng wallet ko. Ni papunta ng bus stop parang hindi nga ito kasya. Ang masaklap, naubusan na ng baterya ang cell phone ko.

Should I just sleep in this shed and risk being seen by Braylee? Should I just surrender myself to the police just so I could have a dry floor to sleep on? Should I just end it all?

It was hopess—I was hopeless. Bumuntonghininga ako at sumandal na lamang sa bulletin board na nakalagay sa waiting shed na pansamantala kong ginawang kanlungan mula sa ulang tila ba ayaw huminto sa pagbuhos.

Isang malaking problema at pagkatapos ay isa na namang malaking problema. Parang wala nang katapusan ang paghihirap ko. 

The streets felt colder and emptier, and it seemed like any minute some criminal would pop out to rob me. Sorry na lang siya dahil wala siyang mapapala sa akin. Baka nga ako pa ang mangutang sa kanya o makigamit ng cell phone. I might just even ask him to put me out of my misery for good.

Times like this I miss my old life the most. Why did I have to take everything for granted? Why did I have to be so cruel to the people who never harmed me?

"I deserve this..." Bumuntonghininga ulit ako at nagbaba ng tingin sa sahig na sinakop na ng tubig. "Pero pwede bang timeout muna? Gusto ko pang magpatuloy pero pagod na pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako..."

"Miss!"

Narinig ko ang pamilyar na boses. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakita ko ang isang sasakyang nakahinto sa tapat mismo ng waiting shed.

May parte sa puso kong umasa na sina Mama ang lalabas, sinusundo ako para sabihing maayos na ang lahat at pwede na kaming maging pamilya ulit. Na hindi na namin kailangang maghiwa-hiwalay at magtago para lang manatiling buhay. However, I knew better. We can never go back to the way we were. I will never find happiness again.

"Miss!"

All of a sudden, I saw someone running toward me. He had a smile on his face, and for some reason it felt so warm and comforting. His hands were hovering over his forehead, a futile attempt to shield himself from the pouring rain but he was still doing it anyway.

Every step he took made splashes on the almost-flooded floor, and it looked like he was enjoying every second of it.

"Naabutan na rin kita sa wakas!" He beamed as he stopped right in front of me. His hands were still hovering above his forehead even if there was already a roof over our heads.

It was him. The nutjob who gave me the apron. Should I just ask him to run me over his car to end my suffering once and for all?

"Sorry talaga ulit sa nangyari. Ihahatid na kita. Basang-basa ka, o? Baka mahirapan kang makahanap ng masasakyan pauwi?"

I just stood there staring at him, wondering if I really heard him right.

"Saan ka pala nakatira? I swear I'm not a weirdo, I just really want to help you out." The warm smile on his face was there the entire time.

"Filimon Heights..." I answered mindlessly as I continued staring at his smile. As if he would be dumb enough to take me to Filimon Heights. Napakalayo no'n at wala pa akong pambayad sa kanya.

"Talaga?" Lumawak pa lalo ang ngiti niya, parang hindi makapaniwala. "Tamang-tama nakatira rin ako sa Filimon Heights!"

My lips parted, unable to fathom whether it was a lie or a complete coincidence. I could also be hallucinating. For some reason, it all felt too good to be true.

"Pangako, nagsasabi ako ng totoo!" aniya na para bang nabasa ang pagdududa sa isip ko. "Gusto mo ipakita ko pa sa 'yo ang postal ID ko."

"Y-you're really giving me a ride back to Filimon Heights? For free?" All of a sudden, it felt as if all the weight in my chest disappeared. I knew it was momentary, but it felt like everything to me.

"Oo naman. It's the least I could do." Tumawa siya nang bahagya. "Saktong-sakto kasi doon din ako nakatira. Saan ka pala nag-aaral? Baka mamaya sa iisang university lang pala tayo nag-aaral at nagkakasalubong lang–uy, teka! 'Wag kang umiyak! Bakit? May nasabi ba akong mali?"

I couldn't hold it in anymore and I just burst into tears.

He was starting to panic, so I quickly shook my head. I tried to speak up but I could stop crying.

"Bakit ka umiiyak? Anong problema?" He bent down just so our eyes could meet. "Miss? May masama bang nangyari sa 'yo habang papunta ka rito?"

I shook my head and smiled as I cried, "I'm sorry... It's been such a long time since something good happened to me."

//