XLV.   I think I love you better now

      Bridger looked at the buzzing party around him. He saw Kiara talking to Inez by the fire, saw Pope and John B talking to girls, and he saw Sarah with Topper, which continued to cause a boiling pit in his stomach. He tried not to focus on it and to have fun with his friends, but knowing that Topper was taking advantage of her and that she couldn't see it angered him.

JJ stared at him, watching the way he clenched and unclenched his jaw, and he quickly drank his beer. "Y'know, usually I think you're incredibly sexy when you're mad, but this time I'm a little concerned. What's wrong, baby?"

Bridger groaned and rubbed his face. "I'm sorry. I know we came here to have fun but I'm distracted."

"Distracted?" JJ repeated. He put his cup down and grabbed his hands, pulling him closer. "What's distracting you?"

He didn't want to tell him that Sarah was here with Topper because then JJ would go and tell John B, and then a fight would happen. So Bridger expressed his concerns from earlier that day. "I used to come to this Bonfire with Rafe, Topper, and Kelce every year. Then Rafe graduated and it was just the three of us. It was our favorite kind of boy's night." He laughed slightly. "I always felt on top of the world when I came here. We drank until Topper had to drag us home and even then, we'd keep drinking until the sun came up." He started to dissociate. "And now—"

"You miss them." JJ finished his sentence and nodded.

Bridger immediately shook his head. "No. No, I don't. I. . ."

"You miss the memories. I get it, Bridge. I do." He laughed slightly. "You were the Kook prince. You had everything."

He frowned. "I still have everything. I have you."

JJ smiled softly. "Yeah, you do." He brought his hand up and brushed it against his cheek. "So stop living in the past. You're a Pogue now, baby. We're never going to turn our backs on you. You're safe with us. You're safe with me. I love you, B."

Bridger had a habit of growing afraid and going inside his own head, which was always against him. He was always against something. He needed a life that wasn't just about needing to escape his own. And now he had it. The Pogues accepted him for he was, not for who he used to be. JJ loved him undeniably, without question. He pressed his hands to his cheekbones and whispered against his face I take you as you are, and I love all of you. "I love you, J." Bridger whispered back and kissed him.

He felt JJ smile against his lips. "This feels familiar, does it not?" He asked with a smirk.

He rolled his eyes but smiled too as he remembered their first drunken encounter. A party, a roaring fire, alcohol in their systems, and their first ever kiss. "Feels very familiar." He agreed and kissed him again.

There was a sudden uproar and the couple looked over to see Sarah in an argument with the girl that was flirting with John B the whole night. Then he saw Topper come and stand by her. "Ah, shit." He groaned.

"Oh, I hate that bitch." Said Inez when her and Kiara noticed the fight as well.

Sarah and John B started arguing and Topper and Kelce got in his face. "Hey, she don't want you anymore bro!"

"Shut the hell up." John B hissed at him over Topper yelling at him.

"We gotta go over there."

Bridger quickly grabbed JJ's arm. "No, no, we can't get involved."

"What you gonna do, John B? Kill me like you killed Sheriff Peterkin? Huh? Do something—"

Kelce was cut off by John B punching him in the face. Then, Topper grabbed him by the shirt.

"Okay, now we get involved."

The two of them and Pope came running over to break up the fight. Sarah and the random girl started fighting and Kiara and Inez jumped in. Topper flipped John B on the concrete and Bridger sprinted forward, shoving him back. "Back the hell off!" He yelled in his face.

Topper punched him in the face and Bridger touched his jaw, feeling it almost break. Before he did anything else, JJ stepped in started fighting Topper. "J!"

He felt somebody bump into him and it was Kelce. He shoved Bridger back by the shoulder. "Get off me, bruh!" He yelled.

"You bumped into me!" Bridger yelled back and shoved him.

It went back and forth until he punched Kelce in the face, causing him to stumble into a random guy and they started fighting. Bridger threw his hands up. "Oh, what the hell?" He saw JJ still fighting Topper and he had JJ by the collar of his shirt, pinching him in thr face. Feeling anger flare up inside of him, Bridger ran forward and tugged on the back of Topper's shirt.

When he stumbled back, Bridger took his shoulder and spun him around. Immediately, he punched him in the face, enough to split his knuckles open, and Topper fell to the ground. Bridger got down on his knees, grabbed his shirt, and punched him again, and again.

"Bridger!" John B shouted and ran up to him. "Bridger, we gotta go!"

But all Bridger saw was red. Angry at his friends for betraying him and angry that Topper was trying to get into Sarah's head. She didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve it.

"Hey, B!" JJ yelled his name and grabbed him, yanking him off of Topper and he held onto him tightly. "Bridge, let go! Come on!"

"Kie, let's go!"

"Whose side are you two on?" The random girl screamed at Kiara and Inez.

"She's my friend!" Kiara screamed back, talking about Sarah.

Bridger ran up and took her arm. "Kie, come on!" He looked at Inez, breathing rather heavily. "I'm sorry, Nez. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Come on!"

He dragged her away and the group of Pogues ran back to the Twinkie. Bridger's body was buzzing with alcohol and adrenaline. His knuckles were stinging with blood and bruised, and blood dropped from his nose and lip, and his eyes watered from the pain.

The sat in the Twinkie in silence. Bridger sat in the back with his head in his hands. JJ came up to the window and laughed. "Well, that was a little unexpected."

"Was it?" Said Kiara.

Bridger groaned. "I need more beer. I'm in pain."

"That was a mean right hook you gave Topper." Said Pope from the passenger's seat.

"Yeah, my knuckles are feeling it."

Their attention turned to John B, seeing him spaced out, obviously thinking about Sarah. Bridger looked down again, feeling bad.

"Hey, maybe she'll come around?"

"It's like everything that happened to us didn't matter." John B mumbled, heartbroken.

"It matters to her John B. I promise. She's just in a really bad place right now." Bridger told him sincerely, even though he knew it wouldn't make him feel better.

Things went silent as they thought about what just happened. Bridger sighed and rubbed his head again, wincing at the pain in his knuckles.

"I swear, I've had more black eyes in the last month than I've ever had." Said Pope and the group of Pogues gathered around the fire.

"You can say that again." Bridger muttered and rubbed his now wrapped knuckles.

"You're lucky they didn't break your nose." Said JJ.

He scoffed. "Please, I can handle Topper."

"Did you really stick up for Sarah?" John B asked Kiara.

"Of course. She's not a real Kook." She replied. "Inez also says you have terrible judge of character."

Bridger laughed. "Yeah, she's not wrong. Who the hell was that girl?"

John B rolled his eyes. "Just some girl. I barely remember her name."

"Liar." JJ coughed into his fist and they laughed.

"I just want one bite."

Kiara gasped when John B tried snatching away her food. "What are you doing? No, stop!" She yelled and he dropped it on the ground.

"You're not having any of mine!" JJ objected.

"I thought you were gonna share!" Said John B and he crawled around the log.

"I spent the last of my money on that."

"Sixteen years in most federal prisons."

Bridger chewed on his s'more. "Want half of my s'more?" He offered her.

"Really?" Kiara asked and he nodded. "See? Bridger's a way better friend than any of you." She said and got up from the log.

"Hey, what have we done?" JJ gasped and pointed between him and Pope.

"Be yourselves, that what." Bridger answered and split the s'more in half, handing her the side he hadn't eaten.

Pope scoffed. "Oh, thanks bud."

"Hey, hey!" John B suddenly said and shushed them when he heard something.

The others went quiet. He slowly stood from the ground and pointed a shaky finger at the chicken coop. "Someone's here." He uttered.

Bridger swallowed his s'more and sat upright. "Topper?"

"I wouldn't put it past him." JJ responded and they all stood.

"J, get your gun." Bridger said and hit him on the arm.

He threw his hands up. "Oh, now you want the gun?"

"You don't have the gun?" Kiara hissed at him.

"Seriously?"

"No!"

"Isn't that your "secret weapon"?" She air quoted.

"Shut up!" Pope quietly barked at the three of them.

"Hey, who's out there?" John B called out.

"You Kooks better not try anything." Yelled Kiara.

"Yeah, I'm not afraid to bust up my other hand!"

Renfield appeared from behind the chicken coop with his hands raised. "How y'all doing?"

Bridger rolled his eyes. "Oh, not this motherfucker again."

"It's this piece of shit." Pope muttered in anger.

"Lovely evening we're having. Look, I, uh. . .I don't hold a grudge with any of y'all, alright?" Renfield said and he walked up to them, lowering his hands. "But this can go hard, or this can go easy. You know what I'm here for."

"Pretty sure we already went through this." Bridger articulated while glaring at him.

"B, chill." Kiara whispered but she was ignored.

Renfield only laughed. "Let me give you a little demonstration. You see that swing over there?" He pointed at the tree swing. "I got the best how hunters in the Army Rangers with me."

JJ stupidly gripped the rope of the tree swing, not believing him. Renfield whistled and an arrow came flying through the air, and it landed in the tree.

Bridger flinched and immediately grabbed JJ's arm, pulling him back and away from the tree.

"Now, they're out there. They'll stick you just as soon as I say so."

He wanted to tell the man to fuck off and even lunge at him with his hands wrapped tightly around his throat, not caring if he got hit by an arrow. But Bridger kept his mouth shut, knowing how badly it would end if he acted on his thoughts.

Renfield walked up to Pope, his friends tensing up. Pope looked at all of them, seeing that they were silently pleading with him not to give him the key. But one thing about Pope was that he would always keep his friends safe even if it meant sacrificing what was his.

Pope reached inside his pocket and pulled out the gold key. He held it tightly in his hand. "No." He muttered desperately. "This key belongs to my family."

"I'm losing patience with you, Pope," Renfield laughed passive aggressively, and he brought his fingers to his lips.

"Okay." Pope finally gave him, which made the man smirk. He reluctantly gave Renfield the key.

"You did the right thing, kid. Knowing you don't have a choice is an under appreciated talented."

Bridger stepped forward. "You got what you wanted, now get the hell out of here." He fumed.

Renfield turned to him. Slowly, the man walked up to him, making JJ tense up and he looked at the others. Bridger continued to glare at him. Renfield laughed and waved a finger at him, almost challenging him, before walking away completely. "Y'all have a good night."

They all turned to Pope, who started panting. "I'm so sick of this shit." He walked away and pulled at his hair regretfully.

Bridger released a shaky breath. He looked at JJ and rolled his tongue to his cheek. "Maybe, uh, maybe we should all crash at my place tonight. Y'know, just in case they decide to come back."

John B wiped his nose, his hand visibly shaking, and he looked out at the trees again. "Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea."

After packing clothes and driving all the way to Figure Eight, Bridger told the guys to pick a room and shower. JJ kissed him on the cheek and happily ran up the stairs to go to his room. He and Kiara remained downstairs for a minute. "You want coffee or anything?" Bridger offered her and went to look in the fridge.

"You got any vodka?" She responded.

He chuckled. "Yeah, I do, in fact." He bent down and opened the cabinet below him, pulling a new bottle of Tito's. He grabbed two glasses from the other cabinet and sat them on the table. He poured her a glass and slid it over to her. "Jesus, we can never catch a break."

"You can say that again." Kiara grabbed the glass and tossed her head back, downing the whole thing. She grimaced. "Thanks for letting them stay here, though."

Oh, it's not a big deal." Bridger waved his hand and drank from his glass. "Just thought they could all use a good nights sleep after that. Especially Pope."

She smiled at him. "You've changed a lot, y'know?" He looked at her. "You used to never care about anyone but yourself. But now you care and it's all over the place."

Bridger stared at the marble counter top in the kitchen and swirled the glass around his hand. It was light grey, separating itself from the pristine white walls. He was so used to sleeping alone and now, he was going to sleep with a house full of his friends. "I sleep with my bedroom door locked." He found himself saying. He rolled his tongue in his mouth and looked at Kiara, seeing her frown at the sentence. "I've never told anyone that. Only JJ. But. . .I get scared my dad'll come home one day and I'll still be asleep."

Her dark eyes went glassy. Kiara put the empty glass on the table and she walked up to him. Bridger turned towards her and she wrapped her arms around his neck, standing on her toes to reach him. He smiled and hugged her back, taking in that it was their first hug. He felt her kiss him on the cheek and she sniffled. "Well, you're not alone tonight. We're all here. You're safe." Kiara told him while nodding.

He watched her go upstairs to her room and he remained downstairs for a minute longer. His house was always so quiet, like he was living in an abandoned asylum. But now he could hear the showers running and the guys laughing from upstairs.

Bridger downed the rest of his vodka and cleaned the glasses before he walked into his room and heard JJ in his bathroom, and the door was open. He walked in and saw him drying his hair in the mirror. He was wearing a pair of his shorts and a t shirt with the sleeves cut off. "I will never get tired of your water pressure." JJ sighed and smiled at him in the mirror.

Bridger took him in. His messy and wet blonde hair, the water dripping from his tanned skin. His beautiful smile. Beautiful smile. The smile he loved more than anything. He was in love with a boy and that boy was in his room, wearing his clothes, and Bridger was happy. "I love you."

JJ looked at him again in the mirror and smiled, his crooked teeth on display. "I love you, too." He walked over and put the towel on the hook. "Okay, your turn. I was gonna wait for you, but, you took too long." He smirked.

Bridger rolled his eyes and laughed. "Yeah." He cupped JJ's chin and kissed him quickly. "I'll be quick."

JJ smiled and left the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Bridger looked at his reflection in the mirror, his beaten up face and hands, and he sighed through his nose.

Bridger made all of them dinner before they decided to hit the hay. John B was practically on his knees thanking him, the boy being showered with thank you's, and I love you's, and you're the best Bridger. JJ followed him up to his room. "Oh, that was great, baby. Y'know, you should really consider being a chef. Open your own restaurant." He complimented and fell back on his bed.

Bridger only smiled. He took off his shirt and folded it, putting it on his desk.

JJ took notice of his silence and he leaned up on his elbows. "Are you alright? You barely talked while we were eating."

"I'm okay. Considering what the fuck just happened tonight." He spoke softly and nodded. Bridger walked up and climbed over him, JJ falling back on the bed again. He leaned down and kissed him gently, feeling the blonde smile. "But i'm really happy you're here. All of you."

"Like we were gonna miss the opportunity to stay at Bridger Fitzgerald's house." JJ joked.

He tried to hide his frown with another smile. "My house isn't that special, J." Bridger kissed him on the forehead and rolled off of him.

He watched him shift on the bed so that he was lying horizontal, his head on his pillow. "Oh, I-I just meant that, you see where John B lives. This is very much an update." JJ tried to joke again and he laughed.

Bridger smiled a little but he didn't laugh.

"Come on, B. Tell me what's bothering you."

"I'm sorry. It's just. . .I'm used to it just being us, y'know?" He replied and pointed between them. "I'm really happy they're all here, it's just a little hard to get used to."

JJ nodded slightly. He moved on his bed so that he was lying beside him. He leaned on the side of his arm. "I just want you to know how grateful I am for you. We all are, actually. None of ever thought we'd make friends with you out of all people." The both of them laughed. "No one's ever been willing to welcome their home to John B and I until now. And I've never felt more safe in my life than I have with you." JJ's voice turned soft, as well as his eyes. "So thank you."

Bridger smiled at him. "Of course, baby." He raised his hand and brushed his blonde hair away from his face. "I'm pretty tired. You?"

"Oh yeah. I'm ready to feel this soft mattress again." JJ thrilled and sat up. He yanked his shirt off and threw it to the ground.

Bridger laughed and slid under the covers, holding them open for him to slide under. They held each other and Bridger kissed JJ on the forehead again. "I feel safe with you too, J. More than ever." He whispered.

Bridger wasn't a poet, but he couldn't help but to think how there was no greater happiness in his life than to be with JJ all the time, without interruption, endlessly. In his head, he knows he's been in love before but it didn't feel like it. Not like this kind of love, the love that developed that summer at the Boneyard at that time ago. Being in love with JJ now was better than the first time. It felt like the first time and only time all at once.

And for the first time in a long time, Bridger went to sleep with his bedroom door unlocked because he felt safe. He was safe.

dare I say this is my favorite chapter out of the whole book???