17th November, 2018

This is the concept of irony, it's irrational.

She paused eating her cereal when her phone rang, reading Malak's name she answered with a sigh, "Assalamualikum!"

Malak greeted her back after she panicked, "Please drop me at campus!"

"Why?"

"Because, I can't drive!"

"Why?"

"Ugh, Taraa! You know I can't drive when I am nervous!"

"Why are you nervous?"

"The debate!"

"MUN?" Taraa guessed.

"No, not that! The big debate!" Malak groaned.

"The technology one?" She tried recalling.

"Yes, that one!" Malak paused, "And Ajmal is my opponent!"

"Oh, too bad! I'm sure it'll go great, inshaAllah."

"Yeah, I'll tell you the rest in the car."

Ignoring her husband beside her, who was going through his tablet, she set out to pick up her friend. Getting ready as fast as she could, she rushed to Ameen and bid her goodbye as the latter was least bothered.

Taking the route to Malak's place, she roughly halted the car at following the red signal. Earning a rude horn from the car behind her, she threw her hands in the air. She wasn't the one at fault, no one there was at fault, but she was still blamed.

After reaching Malak's destination, she waited for her friend what felt like seconds after she hopped in exhaling heavily.

"I can't believe this world!" She then whispered, the universe falling over her to crush her, once again.

"What happened?" Taraa asked, exiting from the area.

"How am I supposed to do this without being a total hypocrite? I mean, I do have my points but I'm personally against the topic when in reality, I'm for the topic. How do I win without belief?"

Taraa glanced at her, "What's the line for this debate again?"

"The Rise Of Pixels With Its Digitised Souls."

"That's interesting . . ."

"It doesn't make sense to me. Taraa, it's not! I am against this here! And I can't win something I don't believe in."

"But you have your points, right?"

"Yes, yes! All noted down neatly, memorised better than my name, broke my head over it a thousand times yet my damn heart cannot accept this."
Taraa was silent, her eyes remained focused on the road.

"Taraa, what about you. I wanna know your opinion regarding this topic!"

"I have nothing much to say, as we chase the irrelevant wilful that the relevant is just within our grasp, why?" She looked at an already impressed Malak who had no words to answer, ready for her vent.

"This extraordinary world which claims its worth when it's unnecessary, extra and overrated. It's funny how ironic matters can sound when they are in need of alteration. This small world, shrinks everyday across the so-called advancement of technology and what not.

But sadly, the world isn't shrinking, the hearts' of mankind are!

The wrath of technology over weighs the boons it brings for it damages the lives of the souls which were given by The One Who is up the skies. The same technology which were designed by minds were bestowed as a gift by Al Khaliq. How ironic can this actually get!

The time of today, corrupted by the digital craze where every single thing connects back to the root of zero's and one's. It's maddening to the point where it steals the general privacy, where privacy becomes a myth!

Technology isn't the advancement here, the minds are. Again, the world is not getting smaller, the souls' of its inhabitants are. Time isn't the factor which is changing, the people are.

How ironic when we pretend to shrug off our mistakes to technology, world and time when we are the ones wearing masks of lies and betrayal, when we have betrayed this world, we have betrayed nature, in fact we have betrayed time. We have betrayed our standards, cultures and communities, we are the hypocrites who needs to change, we should change ourselves instead of changing the world.

The same technology which gives you the convenience of ease and comfort, has no guarantee that it'd save and lend you a shoulder when you need it the most.

Contrary wise, technology has aided us to a point where our wants turned into needs." All the while her voice was bored, nonchalant and blue.

"Oh Taraa, I can't! I'm not you, even though I'm awed by all what you said, I don't think I can express lies to everyone, I can't lie in front of Ajmal, to him!" She exclaimed huffing.

"So, this whole situation is about Ajmal? Should've known!" Taraa muttered, taking the left exit towards the university.

"What?" Malak snapped, offended! "Do you know how freaking badly I want this day to get over?! Ugh, I wish this day hadn't existed in the first place, I wish I hadn't known him or myself." She whined.

"Now I know." Taraa paused for a moment before randomly blurting out, "Tomorrow could be more beautiful than today or yesterday, tomorrow could come different, only if you take hold of your actions."

"But how do I take hold of my actions? I hate you for this, you make it sound like it's so simple!!"

How do you take hold of your actions? It actually is really that simple. First of all, what are your intentions?

You take hold of them by your intentions, with each step of your life, with each intention correlated with the kind of step.

That's how.

Take hold, dear souls, take hold!

For some reason, Taraa chose to remain silent. A fondly smile kissing her lips as she remembered the lines she read from an Arabic book the other day.

الفرق بين الصمت والسكوت؟

الصمت: يتولد من الأدب والحكمة.

.السكوت: يتولد من الخوف.

The difference between silence and quietness?

Silence is generated through manners and wisdom.

Quietness is generated through fear.

"Taraa, I'm having a break down here while you remain all calm and good? Not fair! What friend are you?"

"Look friend, just use your common sense, like real, raw, the right common sense of yours, OK? That's the only advice I can give."

"What's common sense again?" Malak asked with a frown while Taraa only pressed her lips.

"What else could it be . . ."

° ° °

They rushed through the hallways and corridors to the grand auditorium, they were late enough to have reached right when the introductions of the teams had begun.

"OK, you got this. Remember to listen to your heart hard and close, don't get carried away by the incoming interruptions, just focus on the main chamber."

"Why do you always have to make it so complicated?!" Malak whispered-yelled at her who just shrugged,

"I'm just trying to help . . ."

"Ugh!" Malak stomped towards her team whilst earning disappointed glares from her professors as of being late unintentionally, their words ringing inside her head,

Punctuality predicts the phases of tomorrow.

Punctuality defines your mind.

Punctuality is one of the means to success.

Taraa's expression shone with amusement upon sensing her friend's thoughts, she then turned around to find herself a seat among the sea of students buzzing with chatter and cheers, but to her agony she found the one person she always prayed she wouldn't ever encounter.

I have lost you in a way that I got to see you the following days, only difference was that we became strangers to each other. Maybe your death could've been less painful?

When you lose someone you love, the connection between you and the former is just paused, only for it to resume afterlife, both of you would be reunited, reconnected. In most cases, love thrives to continue through prayers.

But strangers never reunite, the connection is never restored, it's always lost, forever forgotten, never was meant to be.

Taraa immediately lowered her gaze, but still felt his on her.

You are not mine to stare, why bother?

Oh, weren't you once my heart's dream, my soul's only desire?

Ghaith wasn't staring at her out of sorrow and loss or affection, it was out of pure pain, pure rage, all out of betrayal.

Asynchronous,

Disconnected

Disrupted

Catastrophic

Albeit my silence

Tasted of tranquility,

Justifiable?

Wildered

Maddened

Your cause, why?

Was a yearning,

A distinct longing

For our connection

inevitably prayed for

Your permanence

Were you even real?

I hope not!

Whilst the gentle intensification,

Among the silky sheets

Between our unfinished

Lines of feelings

Completely drowned

In my feelings

They were all about you

Yet, could we have connected?

Thank God for not

Those secrets smiles

Through the lost petrichor

In run with our stale hearts

Who could have believed

In our love?

Guilt was her prey then, suddenly she didn't even remember vanishing out from his sight and finding a seat next to a sophomore girl. She stared at her friend, frozen, Malak's nervous voice was numb against her hearing senses even if she could have listened to her.

The rebuttals, counter claims, and the opponents' point of views were plain voices, she heard only voices and not words.

Guilt did a great job, hunting her. Though she had accepted it, her fate, somewhere inside the dead corners of her heart, some shards had awaken up to remind her she was the cause to their separation.

Malak's sarcastic laughter knocked her out to the inner reality, that she was actually amazed by her friend's words.

"It's the heart which keeps us going anyway for even a dumb could live without a mind, this explains that belief is more important than extended knowledge. Zero plus zero cannot possibly give us one, the rationality here is obvious but it seems that simplicity has become very hard to accept as the minds of today are complicated enough to do so."

Wow!

"You are no soul if you have no courage and patience to hold and carry acceptance.

Somethings aren't meant to be said even if they are thought about. Somethings aren't meant to be discovered even if they are mysteries. Somethings aren't meant to searched for even if they are hidden. Some people go to extreme lengths just to prove a point which won't actually matter, which won't change the facts which are overpowering them. Ignorance, arrogance, pride and even a little bit of stupidity are overloaded here and they are in need of clearance!"

Taraa's eyes shifted towards Ajmal who looked taken aback, completely stunned. But what made Taraa amused was that they had actually started conversing in the freaking debate, causing everyone to buzz with whispers and what not!

"Don't you think you are sliding off the topic?" Ajmal uncomfortably acknowledged.

"No, I don't think that since I'm intentionally doing that!"

She left Taraa speechless, she left Ajmal speechless.

She then dramatically exclaimed, "Man is beautiful, the ironic part is that it's the insides which make him ugly.

To conclude, some people waste their time discovering, searching for things that don't exist in the first place while knowing it. Is that mental illness?"

Wow! From technology to mental illness, kinda correlated though!

Taraa's mind was completely blown, causing her to forget about the earlier encounter with Ghaith. Malak remained back while Taraa left for home, taking the longer route through the narrowed path between the woods.

She was completely numb, she couldn't understand the oblivious blur which engulfed her. She was tear-less, each of the broken pieces of her heart weren't beating as they always did, for a moment she missed them, their absence. She kept speeding, unaware of the destination as she supposedly relied on fate to lead her car to the destined place?

The car's windows were rolled down, even the strong winds which were passing by through her was anesthetized. Half of her left arm was outspread and swung with the wind as she rested it on the winding frame, she stared ahead, not even blinking as she let go of her right hand from the steering wheel.

Her heart was long broken, even before she had existed.

We attach to part, don't we?

She felt pathetic, seeing Ghaith, witnessing his hatred toward her, it actually hurt. All this time she had been ignoring the pain which kept surging deep down, she hated how he was humiliated, how he was betrayed, all because of her.

Oh, but did it matter now? Because then, she almost cursed when it not only mattered but affected her. Beating away the airbag, she managed to get out of the car and sighed. Staring at her car, which crashed against a gigantic unfortunate tree branch.

They don't deserve to know my pain as it didn't come cheap. Hiding my pain was hurtful, but worth it. No one knew of my weaknesses as God was my only witness.

After dealing with the police, she called up the insurance company and left her car off to the garage. Taking a cab home, during her ride, the conversation with the policeman kept rewinding in her head.

"How did you hit the tree? Couldn't you see it? It's not like the tree was in the middle of the road!" The officer huffed, taking the required notes.

Taraa threw a bored look at him, "Told you, I lost my mind!"

"What?" He spat.

She then snapped her eyes at him, "Is this world crazy? I just said more than thrice, I lost my mind because this world is a crazy one!" She sighed eyeing at the dented bumper of her car.

Crazy world!

° ° °

She didn't find her husband home when she reached the apartment. Feeling extremely worn out, drained out of everything, she went in for a shower. Taking her time, she relished in the cold water, pouring down her skin, freezing her more than she already was.

Soon later she realised she hadn't brought her essentials and clothes along with her. Internally groaning, even she herself couldn't understand the constant, abrupt and weird changes of her mood. Hoping Ameen wouldn't show up while she was only wrapped up with the towel, she crept towards the closet. Taraa wasn't in a mood to dress up good, with her elegant skirts and shirts like she always did, moving to the PJ section she grabbed the first thing that was there. Pulling it over her, she hopped to the living room, not bothering to dry up her damp hair or whether her dark grey t-shirt dress which reached right above her knees was shooting cold spikes on the rest of her legs. Nonchalantly, she took the book from the stand which she had been reading earlier and drowned herself into the words as she covered up the entire space on the couch.

She found herself greeting back to Ameen as he came, the latter just stared at her.

"Um, it's chilly outside! Shouldn't you wear something warm and full?!" Ameen began.

Without sparing him any glances, "No."

"Why won't you?" Ameen questioned.

"Because, like you said, it's chilly outside not inside!"

"It's the same thing!" He exclaimed!

"What is it with you? Why are the first things that go around in your head are health concerns only?" She shut the book close and looked away.

Wait what? What did she want him to think about her anyway? Groaning, she tossed the book away and said, "Sorry, I didn't mean what I said. And, I think I can deal with the cold, don't worry."

Ameen was then relieved, kind of startled by her behaviour.

"And I haven't cooked anything. I wasn't hungry and didn't feel like it." She scrunched her brows and wandered her eyes off to everywhere. Why wasn't she hungry? "I'm sorry, I didn't . . . I totally forg-"

"It's okay, I'm on it!" Ameen then reassured.

"Thank you?"

° ° °

"I have the nightshift tonight, so I won't be there for the night."

"Of course!" Taraa simply replied.

Ameen frowned at her as she was quick to correct his thoughts, "I mean you have the night shift, so of course you won't be there. I just found you stupid stating the obvious!" Taraa closed her eyes then, cringing at her for being extremely forthright, for thinking out loud.

Was she crazy? What was wrong?

"You called me stupid?" He was speechless, taken aback.

"Not entirely . . ." She trailed off, completely caught off guard.

God, this was so awkward.

She jumped a little when Ameen was walking towards her, Taraa noticed a different kind of message flashing in his eyes to her, his features amused, excited and intensified.

Being inches apart, he voiced, "Don't you wear perfumes?"

She raised her brows, "No, not a fan really!"

"Good." He said before he grabbed her by the waist to have closed the gap between them.

"Why?"

She felt her heart working up, she felt the heat steaming off of her chest. Letting out a secret smile when Ameen had lowered his face down to her neck, she felt her nerves syncing with his.

Circling her hands around him, the moment he whispered "Because then I have to smell you being this close to you, or even closer . . .", she couldn't understand why she felt that her heart had gotten stolen.

But more than anything, it had got her wondering if all this was just because she had worn the shorts.

Was it distracting or attractive enough?

° ° °

"Why are you going to the basement?" Aunt Esta asked, eyeing at her hoodie and sweats.

"Just need some steaming off!" Taraa shrugged.

"You came home just for that?"

"No, I came home because my husband has a nightshift so he won't be at home?" For a moment she got lost in confusion earning weird looks from her Aunt. "I thought I could visit you."

"What do you need to steam off?"

"A lot of things." With that she hopped down the basement, nostalgia hitting her hard with each hops, hurting her somewhere she couldn't quite tell where.

Her brows were furrowed when she eyed at the punching bag hanging in the middle, pushing out the ugly memories, she walked over to it, once again to reclaim its pleasure.

Pulling the hood over her head, she began punching it, low blows at first followed by harsh, hard ones.

She didn't have the sense to acknowledge someone else's presence in the same room until the latter came up to the bag and grabbed it still.

"Yes?" Taraa asked heaving up and down as she couldn't recognize the woman in suits standing before her.

"I'm Abed's lawyer, you must be Taraa."

Internally sighing with disappointment, she nodded.

"With great apologies I'm here to say that he got confined in the asylum hours ago."

"What?" Taraa asked in disbelief. "Look, Abed wouldn't tell me the whole story, but he's mentally fine despite him being just reckless! Why the asylum?"

"I'm sorry I can't disclose more than I'm told to, but I can tell you that it was the court, his history with many incidents had lead him there."

"He has nothing to do with mother's death." Taraa fired back in defence.

"Of course, but sadly that was the opening to everything." The lawyer countered back.

Taraa looked away in annoyance and anger for a moment until the lawyer started walking toward her.

"Abed asked me to deliver this to you." Handing her the files, the lawyer left shortly.

Taraa stared at it, fear hunted her then as she was its prey. She was caged when she slowly started to open the file.

But then fate itself was another of her predators, who stabbed her in the back when she saw the two familiar set of documents.

Her medical reports.

She turned pale upon reading the small note she found in between the papers.

Knew that Adel's dirty dealings wouldn't have been convincing enough. Had to dig further till the core

P.S. Infertility actually suits you, all the more reason for you to bribe the doctor to make alterations in regards to your marriage so Ameen wouldn't know

Good save, sis

Seems like you have inherited the bloodline, we aren't so different from father anyway

Hope this is compelling enough

Love,
You know who

Squeezing her eyes close, she crumpled the papers and tore it to pieces and bits. The endless tears rolling down her cheeks had no correlation with the strike of pain oozing out from her chest, it hurt harder than what was called a betrayal.

Tell me, how does it feel to have stabbed in your back by the people with whom you share the same blood with?

The insult, humiliation, the trauma, the shame, the unworthiness, they all felt nothing compared to the weight of pain produced by her blood's betrayal.

Wait, why was she even surprised? She should have seen this coming, she should have been more ready for its affect. She felt her conscience mock at her, she felt the universe laugh at her, she felt her heart combust with her mind.

Emptiness, the feeling which calls for attention, where the heart needs another's when the heart cannot receive it.

Depression, the feeling which causes the insides to die in an attempt of not being able to keep up with anything or anyone.

Combustion, the feeling which evokes fire from the insides as a result of pain in order to steam off.

Loneliness, the feeling which is produced by detachment from everything possible, all strings unattached with the specific kind of pain followed by nothingness, emptiness and etcetera.

Ever wondered what happens when these four emotions are connected to correlate? It forms a black hole, causing nothing to pass or hold its mass.

Stomping towards the shooting range, she picked up the handgun, aiming at the target, she kept shooting fiercely, endlessly, uncontrollably! She tried hard not to imagine Abed's face, she tried hard to ignore the devil. She really did.

But then again, she heard the universe laugh at her, mocking her existence ever so clearly.

To life,

I know you are filled with questions, hardships, tears, sorrows, sadness and darkness. Some days you get blessed and lucky enough to receive little bit of colours in you which eventually patches up or defines you.

Yes, I haven't forgotten about my part with you. Not that I've claimed that I am innocent, I'm too guilty for the things that happened to you because of me.

You could call me a hypocrite, I wouldn't mind that at all. I'll be honest with you as 'no legacy is so rich as honesty'. When Shakespeare wrote that, he obviously didn't know the kind of lies you're hurt with. Forgive me for quoting him, but truth be told, his words are actually true.

Facing injustice in this time has become a fixed schedule for you. I see how hard you try to stand through the tides and storms you don't deserve. But just to assure you, let me word them out for you. 'Surely after ever hardship comes ease'. When God said those words He knew His servants would face hardships after hardships, so He gave us this promise, for us to hold on, to feed on patience. He is the All-Knowing.

Amidst everything of it, you'll have an end. As you began to complete the end, and I earnestly pray that together with you, we'd have a great one.

With regards,
Your known soul.

° ° °

She sat up straight exhausted, startled by her sudden awakening. Sweat dripped from her skin, she massaged her temples, to lessen the ache. Amidst the blurred vision, she spotted her phone on the ground, realising that she had slept the night in the basement.

Crazy world.

Reaching out for her phone, she furrowed her brows when the time read four in the morning. Almost grateful that she didn't have to pray, with her dulled mood her soul still desired for her heart's dream. Taraa couldn't tell why Ameen was the first person who came in her mind but she was so done, she was so done with this place, done with everything and everyone in it, then her heart compelled her to type down her soul's desire to Ameen.

Do you believe in the concept of 'soulmates'?
I don't know whether I believe in it or not, but I seem to romanticise 'love' or the concept of 'soulmates'. I romanticise a lot of things, so don't worry, I'm not a desperate!

Lately, all I desire to dream is just travelling somewhere far, somewhere alone, somewhere distant

I was solely fated to you, made for your soul. I wish that your soul would find me, you would come to me, so that we could fly to that place. We are two souls but made as one. We could forget the world, detach the technological strings from within us and breathe in the moment, breathe in us as the only connection would be us, through soul and body, heart and mind

° ° °

Washing off, he whispered 'Alhamdulillah' for the success of the surgery. Feeling extremely good and satisfied he walked towards his office, while bringing out his phone the first notification he read was from his wife. Pressing it open, after reading it he felt his heart skipping beats over beats.

Everyday, every single time, she had to leave him speechless, surprised or dumbfounded. Taraa maybe beautifully weird but there were times he absolutely found her downright attractive. His heart smiled though his lips were curved up into one. Before he could reply her back, the usual nurse entered in.

"Doctor Mohammad?"

He looked up at her and nodded, "Yes?"

"The patient has been taken to the ward, she's been recovered and will be released within a week or less."

And poor him, he found himself being tangled up within the strings of two hearts.

What a mess!

--- --- ---

السلام عليكم ورحمة لله وبركاته
Dearest readers, hope you are doing well, mostly hope you have enjoyed this chapter.

And this chapter is dedicated to a beautiful stranger who have recently stepped into my life. So Maryam, I know you have a long way to reach this chapter, maybe you won't ever. But if you ever do, I just want you to know that this chapter is dedicated to you. As you can read the letter To Life, one of the letters I have written to you, for some reason I wanted to add it to the chapter from the protagonist's perspective and I found it beautiful after when I did, also it reminded me of you a lot as most the words, lines, ideas, phrases of this chapter were inspired by you. Hope you don't mind.
With fondness,
You know who ;)

Peace and love,
froward,