26th March, 2019

Ne Pas Casser, Rêver.

But you have been broken, because dreams were all that broke you. Then you came to kill your loneliness with strangers. You came to kill time with emptiness.

I remember those vibes, now which I'd call them sick and deranged, how then they would make my days and the rest of my unknown future.

Seldom you find the right within the wrong and the wrong within the right.

Her giggles echoed down through the empty hallways, as she twirled around in that sleeveless, pink-flamingo and silk dress that barely reached her knees as it flowed around. Her brunette hair flying too, and he was entranced, completely in love as he watched her dance and kept smiling through his chuckles.

I remember the dull aura, those ugly painted walls where I wouldn't dare mark anything on. Oh, they, all they made me think was of fear, imprisonment and cruelty.

This world makes you a monster when you are just a human and a human when you are a monster.

She took his hands in hers and dragged him to her, she leaned on him, he supported her weight, and he took slow steps backwards as her toes trailed along the wooden floor, forward until he lifted her up in his arms. He twirled her around, their gazes locked, her grin looked comely and his heart was stolen. Then they were each other's. Nothing else mattered to them. All long forgotten.

I remember those dark days, the very first ones, when my nights would be spent awake on unwanted regrets, misinterpreted tears and misunderstood pain.

Say it, admit it, we all are just humans, just sinned, just have given our hearts to the wrong hands and to the wrong places.

Taraa learned how to love a heart instead of a face but as of that moment she was lost within his charismatic charms, the defined features of his face, his squinty hazel eyes, his tall, quite broad figure hovering hers, and that thick, dark hair of his, which sometimes fell over his eyes if not brushed.

I remember those forevers spent in seconds, the most dreadful moments of my life, when I couldn't have thought outside the moment, when I had to live in the moment, when I have failed to sacrifice one for a whole, when I have lost the long run for just a moment.

The myriads of doubts, the oceans of questions, the loss of the dead, weren't it all transitory, yet it always felt like an eternity, the reality of it was just abominable.

They were a piece under that grand chandelier, around those dusted mirrors and the lone covered fixtures and in that magnificent empty hall. His hand in her hair and the other wrapped around her waist, while hers were perfectly secured around his neck.

I remember those sad winters, those which would be a reflection of me and everything around me. Frozen cold, unbreakable yet hollowed from within.

You can't. There's no point in giving you false hope, there's no jock or joke that can tell you whether you are right or wrong, whether it's acceptable or not. The evolution of time have ruined us.

Their hearts colliding against each, their breaths one, their skins a great combination, they lived in a moment yet it was of forever.

I remember those rainy evenings, the hurls and the cracks and the crashings and the pool of shards, glassed against the marbled floor. Never did I care of my bleeding heart, the one struck with the actual shards.

I'm sorry, even freedom is compromised. Once you are freed, the moment you have opened your wings, those that have been chained since the beginning, once you have flapped them up in the air, that's when you have lost all your freedom, you can be shot from any angle, at any point to the very aim of you.

Her eyes were the darkest of all yet an illumination to the dark and for it. As if like the stars in the night sky, her think lashes barely blinked for it had forbidden itself to as it bid to only stare right into his eyes. Her hollowed cheeks showed off the highlights of her face, a perfect contrast with her olive skin. Her parted rosy lips were all that got his attention.

I remember those long weekends, studying under the kitchen lights, with lost focus and mind. Those repressing memories, those haunting thoughts and the dozen idea of stupid possibilities.

Oh, it hurt! No one said it wasn't going to. You ripped part your chest and tore off that heart from its designated place and handed it over to them. They mocked you, and of your heart. They tried to feed it with their so-called positivity. Nothing did they know about the position you were standing in. They knew nothing of you yet they have claimed you weak.

He loved how her pale and skinny body was responding with energy and love, her delicate features were exquisite. He was so drawn to her, everything about her and within her.

I remember those years, going to bed with an empty heart, a sinned soul and a foul mind. With absolutely no idea about how to even have a dream, while being mindful that even the ones who sleeps on streets dream.

I could stand with you or kneel with you and tell you that you are only a human to sin, to mistake, to mess it up, to misunderstand and to fall and fail, but it won't work because the world won't accept you, it would only prove you otherwise.

They then closed all the gap that were left between them and the night went on and on.

I remember, I remember.

I remember everything, vivid and like a torment to my soul and there's no way to erase them unless someone hits me right in my head as I would lose my memory.

And the ones who blame you are the ones who have wronged you.

I remember how my heart was grazed like a beast with its venomous claws, how those ugly marks had been engraved which then glimmered among the darkness, how those tears sparkled through the darkness of the night.

We all get shot, we all fall. Life is surrounded by surreal means, sometimes the people and especially the loved ones become weapons targeted at you. The kind of bullets you get shot with are hearts. And you wish they were metal bullets instead, for things would have been much easier and different. In this real world, if bullets were hearts?

"You are so beautiful!" He whispered, and those four words sounded so genuine, like arrows just shot straight in the centre mass of her heart.

I remember all those beautiful lies, how easily they have fallen for the lies. It made me wish that I was a lie too, that I was beautiful enough in their eyes.

It's sadly bizarre that how in a world filled with people you still have to feel alone, deserted and broken. But again, it's okay because you have a God Who won't ever make you feel that way. Just as how He promised.

She gulped, she was on edge, she knew she was falling, in fact she was enjoying it, she didn't want to ruin the moment, she didn't let the water in her eyes turn into ice, she had it under control. She didn't know how to react or what to reply.

I remember suffering from the tests others went through, be it their punishment or hardship! And that had been my test.

When you start falling for someone or something, do you ever think of the end when you would hit the ground, when you would land, or only the idea or the fantasy or the belief of it spins in your mind? Knowing that would you rather keep falling with no end and no destination? Like a blip?

As if reading her mind he whispered again breathlessly, as he leaned to her ear, "You don't have to say anything. All you have to do is just listen."

But most of all I remember knowing that the glitz of this world is nothing but a beautiful lie. And everyday, with every instinct and breath, I tried not to lose myself in it. And Al-Baseer was my Only witness.

You are made up of dreams, from a child's to a dead heart's, the rhapsody of wishes, rendezvous of two forces, a combat whilst the combust, a pierced star, the most beautiful magic within the miracle.

You are fine, as long as you store goodness within you.

But how?

How can you have the heart to break hearts, not only once but time and again?

Then again, you don't have a heart to begin with.

If you did, you would know its worth and value, you would know how though it's like a crystal glass, it's the most substantial matter to have ever existed.

If you did, you would know how it's like to carry such a matter, such an organ in your chest, within you all life long.

If you did, you would know how when the heart breaks, that's not when it hurts, it's the aftermath of it, how the pieces of the broken heart pricks and pierces sharper and harder in your chest, causing your internals to bleed more than it should, as it filters away all the blood that it becomes in need of more and more blood, albeit you want those pieces to turn into ashes and for them to be carried away with the wind, just to ease up your pain.

For though it's hard to live without a heart but it's always better not being stabbed by its broken pieces.

Losing is fine, but consuming and letting the pain sever isn't. Because, memories fade.

But pain never fades nor does it leave. The pain is always remembered. It sticks hard and close with you until you decide to become numb. You can always get over something that's lost, but it's always harder to deal with something that isn't in your control; heart.
Because pain isn't submissive to your needs and demands, it works according to its accord.

And surely, how does it feel to have being stabbed by your own damned heart when it should be the one stopping the source of thrust from having you stabbed?
How does it feel to have your heart to have forsaken you?

How does it feel to have lost the very organ when you needed it the most, in fact when you can't even live without it?

Oh, dear heart, surely you will be the death of me.

So, tell me, dear heartbreaker, how does it feel to live without a heart?

° ° °

"We should leave!" He murmured and she only shrugged.

"Why, you scared?"

"Who did you say this place belong to?" He said caressing her back as she lay top of him.

"My father." She mumbled against his chest. "Some family ancestry."

"I didn't know he did business out of country." He said, staring at the ceiling. The crisp of fire from the hearth was their only source of light.

"Whatever."

"I say, let's get out. See more of the city and fill ourselves with all that we can eat!"

"But I'm so jet lagged." She whispered.

"We came here literally two days ago!" Ameen flatly said.

She slowly sat up and sighed. "I don't like the bus or cab, so I'm not in a mood."

Ameen grinned at her, "Who said we'll needing transport services when we have our own?!"

Taraa eyed at him, "You didn't ship your car here, and if it's those stupid rental cars, I swear I'm gon-"

"Stop guessing, come let's show you what I have been talking about." Ameen stood up and held out his hand for her.

They got dressed and headed out of the mansion when Ameen asked her to wait on the porch.

After waiting for him what felt like hours, her eyes caught the sight of a shiny scarlet red 1969 Camaro which was coming her way and she couldn't believe the person in the driver's seat.

That was a first. She was super surprised.

She typically didn't like cars but when it came to the classics, she was a goner.

Ameen won her heart, he was sure. A victory at last. Her expression was priceless, he would abandon his own forever just to see this expression of hers all the time.

"If that's what it'd take, I'm willing to drive all the pathways just to find your heart's." He said while getting out the car and shut the door.

"How did know to take my breath away?!" She blushed through her words.

"Just did a simple math!" It was his turn to shrugg now.

"Which was?"

"For someone who is out of the ordinary, you have to think out of the box for her!" He grinned as he leaned on the car.

"That was simple yet smart." She nodded.

"Let's lose ourselves?!" He then gestured her to get in.

"Yeah, sounds like a plan!" She mumbled, her mysterious heart soon to be solved by him.

° ° °

They headed towards the highway with the help of the GPS, hoping they hadn't actually lost their ways.

"Where did you get the car from?" She asked as he started to open down the converter.

"I knew people who knew people. My dad has connections too." He flashed a smile at her.

"What are you doing?" She gestured at the almost opened converter.

"Having fun!" He shrugged.

His details patched up her heart through the feelings, everything felt right, everything fit into whole.

He turned on the radio and switched channels between classic rocks and pop music. Taraa just stared at him, this moment felt like a first of everything and she wanted to live in it. She didn't know what kind of music was being played, or what songs they were, she didn't care at all of those, all that mattered to her was him.

He seemed so different than ever. Things about him, for her they felt so different. He was so relaxed, so chilled. The way his left arm rested on the door frame and how he single handedly maneuvered the steering wheel with the other. She loved how his hair was flying, how attractive he looked in that navy blue shirt and black jeans. He didn't look a doctor then, nothing of that do-gooder or that nerd sorts. He looked like one of those rich jobless college dropouts who had stolen their girl and had runaway with their dad's money.

It's a mad world and I have got you, we stroll around in the city of dreams mixing each other's hearts so hold me while we watch dreams others live and let our souls fly.

She hated music in general, she thought it was pointless to listen to them. But then, that moment she didn't mind it. The lyrics synched with the aura and the vibes. She had no idea where they were going or which side of Paris they were driving in.

"Look away because I'm distracted." He worded off, his husky voice was all what she wanted to hear.

Taraa couldn't, though she had blushed. He was all what she wanted too gaze at, even if the desert stars were calling for her.

Street lights, empty roads, speeds and the rev, unreal vibes, city aesthetics, rhapsody of music, stolen hearts, attached souls, knotted dreams and young minds.

"Where are we even going?"

"I have no idea, the routes will tell." He said.

"Can you shut this up? I'm not really comfortable with the air!" She said gesturing at that open roof of the car.

Ameen reduced the volume and nodded. As soon as the roof covered them, she jolted up and moved towards him and jumped on his lap. Ameen was startled and hissed, "What are you doing?!"

Wrapping her hands around him she whispered through her grin whilst staring at him while the latter's gaze was fixated on the road, "Getting comfortable!"

He spared a glance at her and smirked.

This was the moment of her life, she wanted to live in it all, she didn't want anything or anyone else to ruin it. It was more than perfect. Beyond everything else.

It was a dream both had never imagined to have lived it. Together.

° ° °

To life,

I know you are filled with questions, hardships, tears, sorrows, sadness and darkness. Some days you get blessed and lucky enough to receive little bit of colours in you which patches up or defines you.

Yes, I haven't forgotten about my part with you. Not that I've claimed that I am innocent, I'm too guilty for the things that happened to you because of me.

You could call me a hypocrite, I wouldn't mind at all. I'll be honest with you as 'no legacy is so rich as honesty'. When Shakespeare wrote that, he obviously didn't know the kind of lies you're hurt with. Forgive me for quoting him, but truth be told, his words are actually true.

Facing injustice in this time has become a fixed schedule for you. I see how hard you try to stand through the tides and the storms you don't deserve. But just to assure you, let me word them out for you. 'Surely after ever hardship comes ease'. When God said those words He knew His servants would face hardships after hardships. After all, He is the All-Knowing.

Amidst everything of it, you'll have an end. As you began to complete the end, and I earnestly pray that together with you, we'd have a great one.

With regards,

Your Known soul