"You are enough to
drive a saint to
madness or a
King to his knees."

~~Grace Willows
~'To Kiss a King'

****************

~Hatter~

There were so many words I could have said, denials or truths, but it wouldn't have mattered. Alana would still be angry and Nova would still have believed that I would have killed his mother. Admittedly, I had contemplated the idea and at one point I had aggressively wanted to. But when it came down to it, I knew I wouldn't have done it.

Nova had been forced to deal with too much because of her, the scars running deeper than he would ever admit. She didn't deserve his love, very few in this world ever would if I was honest. However, I wouldn't have been able to look at him, or worse him look at me, with her blood on my hands. The mere idea shot a bolt of pain through my chest.

Gritting my teeth, I pushed away the thoughts as best as I could and attempted to focus on my surroundings. After leaving a dumbstruck Nova alone in the hallway, I had informed August that I would take his patrol around the property. He hadn't argued and I wasn't the least bit surprised especially when I could hear Nevada puking in the bathroom.

Undoubtedly, she was hungover worse than Nova since the poor girl had never drank a drop of alcohol as far as I was aware. If she had, it was such an infrequent occurrence that she had zero tolerance. Sympathy tugged at me but I squashed it down. August would take care of her because his love struck brain wouldn't allow any other alternative.

It amazed me that Dominic hadn't figured it out yet but, then again, he seemed to be oblivious when it came to his children. Especially to the fact that they were no longer actual children, but fully grown adults capable of taking care of themselves. Nevada wasn't as weak as everyone treated her, but everyone's hesitation caused her to constantly second guess herself. One of these days it would get her killed if something didn't change.

Letting out a low, frustrated growl, I continued on through the woods as quietly and efficiently as possible. My mind kept trying to wonder but I couldn't let my focus stray from the task at hand. I couldn't think about Edith and the words she had reluctantly admitted before I watched her disappear into the darkness. I couldn't think about August with his secret love for his best friend's daughter, the anger in Alana's eyes that bled into raw pain, or Dominic and his grudging understanding. And I couldn't think about Nova and everything that he drug to the surface of my being.

I took my time circling the property, intent on dissecting the different aromas and sounds as I watched for signs of unwanted entry. August had assured me if anyone broke through the boundary that he would feel it, but those had been placed centuries ago before he had been turned. He could no longer wield his magick, only sense it, which made it impossible not to question the strength of what he had left behind.

By the time I had made at least five treks around the border of August's property, it was just south of midafternoon and there were no signs of potential intrusion. Silently, I made my way back and slipped unnoticed into the house and up the stairs. The urge to avoid everyone was impossible to ignore but I didn't exactly try to repress it either. Too many emotions were swirling inside this impossibly large house and made it feel nearly claustrophobic at times, with tension running so high it was amazing we hadn't all killed each other yet.

I froze with my hand on the doorknob to my bedroom, the intoxicating aroma that belonged to Nova fluttering around me like a delicate caress. Listening closely. I could hear the slow, even breaths coming rhythmically from the other side, anticipation coiling dangerously at the base of my spine. I clenched my jaw and eased the door open to reveal Nova sprawled across my king sized bed like he belonged there.

He had changed into a pair of black basketball shorts and a white sleeveless tee, his ugly rainbow athletic shoes discarded on the floor beside the bed. I hated those fucking shoes, more than an inanimate object probably earned, but there it was anyway. Forcing myself to look away and refusing to glare at them, I indulged myself in just looking at Nova, taking in the sight of him in my bed.

His hair was longer than he usually kept it, the pale strands falling slightly across his forehead. My fingers involuntarily twitched with the desire to feel the soft locks slide between them. It would be so easy to sink into the image that floated dangerously at the edges of my thoughts, Nova naked and writhing beneath me, my hand in his hair baring his throat to me. So easy to let myself fall into the fantasy if I only just closed my eyes.

The sound of his heartbeat beginning to steadily rise tickled my ears and I repressed the smug sense of satisfaction that washed over me. His uneven breathing and the partial erection outlined beneath his shorts let me know he was awake and very aware of my gaze slowly trailing over his body. When my eyes finally met his, dark and stormy in the dim light that filtered through the curtains over the window, he had still yet to say a word.

I wished I could say I was angry with him, betrayed or disappointed even, but I couldn't. I wasn't surprised by his mistrust or for expecting the worst of me. It wasn't like I had given him a ton of reasons to have reacted any differently and maybe that was for the best anyway. But that didn't mean it hurt any less.

"You were gone a long time," he observed quietly. "I was beginning to wonder if you would be back tonight."

Steeling myself, my masks sliding into place like an old friend, I crossed the room to my closet and pulled out a clean shirt. "Patrolling the property is vital to your security as well as Nevada's. With recent occurrences, it's better to be thorough than caught off guard again."

I could feel his eyes on my back as I yanked my shirt over my head, the fabric torn in multiple places due to my unstable attention from time to time and getting myself snagged by passing branches. He didn't say anything and I kept my back to him as I tugged on the new shirt before sitting on the edge of the bed to remove my muddy boots.

"Sounds professional, like you've had some experience with that," Nova said as I slipped the first knot free.

"Yes." I kept my voice even and refused to elaborate, ignoring the memories that pushed at my subconscious from my life before.

Nova sighed and I felt his movements as he sat up and tenuously moved closer. "I wanted to talk."

"About what?" I asked casually, ignoring the painful stab of hope that tried to flicker to life.

I tossed my boot towards the bathroom door and started on the other one, determined to drag this out as long as possible. There was no telling what would happen if I looked at him.

"I'm sorry, Robbie." Nova's voice was so quiet that it was almost a whisper, the words dripping with regret as if they had been soaked in it for hours. "What I did, what I said... it was so fucked up and you didn't deserve that."

A wry bark of laughter escaped before I could force it back down. "It was the least I deserved, so don't apologize."

I could picture the frown in his face, the furrow of his brow as his gaze bore into the back of my head. It was an almost tangible thing and the image in my mind so clear that it was almost as if I were looking at him.

"That's not true," he protested but I shook my head.

"There are plenty of lies going around this house, Nova, but that isn't one of them." I fumbled with the laces of my boot, barely paying attention to them. Frustrated, I kicked it off and watched it thud against the wall before finally looking back at him. "I'm a monster and there's no denying that. Hell, I wouldn't deny that because I enjoy it."

I stood from the bed and towered over him, ready for shock, disgust, or maybe even fear to distort his features but I was not expecting the heat that filled his eyes. Nova sat perfectly still, watching me with an awareness as if he knew every thought going through my head. It felt as if he was looking into my very being and I felt stripped, naked down the dark husk of who used to be.

"You've never lied to me, have you?" He asked it lightly but I felt the weight of them in my bones.

"No," I responded without hesitation, because it was true. I hadn't lied to him, even when it would have been easier.

"And you never would." A statement this time, one filled with a hint of wonder.

"No." Again, no hesitation because there was no point. I could lie as easily as breathing but I didn't unless it was imperative because I'd never cared for it.

Nova made a noise between a hum and a groan as he moved across the remaining expanse of the mattress and every muscle in my body tensed. He stopped just within arms reach and curled one hand around my belt buckle, his warm fingers lightly grazing my skin and leaving trails of fire across the cool,sensitive flesh. I watched, entranced by the determined lust that darkened Nova's indigo irises as he rose onto his knees.

"So, you'll be honest if I ask you a question?" The hiss of leather filled the room as he slowly loosened my belt without taking breaking his gaze.

My mind screamed at me to stop before I crossed that line but I could make the words come out of my mouth, my jaw so tight I wouldn't be surprised if I cracked bone.

"What question?" I finally managed as my belt fell open, my voice slightly hoarse.

Nova's lips twitched as if he was about to smile as he asked, "Will you let me make it up to you?"

He reached for the button on my jeans, my cock straining against the tight fabric but I caught his hands in mine.

"Not like this," I told him, the words strained as if my body was trying to reject them. "I've already told you that I don't need an apology and certainly not like this."

"And if I wanted to do it anyway?" Nova raised a brow, mischief swirling with the desire in his eyes and I realized he continued to speak in questions. "Would you let me?"

I gritted my teeth, wanting to deny it but the darkness whispered that it was a lie even as I struggled to form the words. In the end, I remained silent as I let him pull his hands free and return their attention to the fastenings of my pants. Arousal, frustration, and raw need throbbed in the air around us. I grasped at the few remaining threads of my self control as the button popped free beneath his fingers.

"You said, no strings, right?" I ground out, silently fighting to hold myself together as he hummed in acknowledgement, his movements agonizingly slow. "I come with strings, Nova, strings that will choke you if you get too close. And I can't..."

My words trailed off as the rasp of my zipper echoed in my ears bringing with it an unbidden image of him in its wake. Grief tangled with everything else, blurring the lines between desire and loss until my head spun. I could feel the heat of Nova's body as he edged closer, his slender fingers of one hand cupping the back of my neck, his breath warm across my face while his other hand expertly pushed my jeans down my hips.

They bunched at my knees and my cock sprang free, eliciting a hiss from my lips at the sudden relief from confinement. I kept my eyes closed and my hands clenched at my sides, unwilling to give in to the darkness that was begged for me to just let go and take what I wanted.

"Relax, Robbie," Nova whispered against my lips, the words becoming the lightest of kisses before he pulled away enough to raise my shirt over my head and I let him despite the part of me that still protested. "I'm not asking anything from you. Not now."

Fabric rustled briefly and when Nova returned again, his chest was bare as it pressed against mine. The warmth of his body in contrast to the ever present lack in my own was disorienting yet addictive, my hands finding a will of their own to grip Nova's hips. A shudder erupted down my spine, my fragile control slipping even more as his shaft ground against mine, the slick material of his shorts sliding easily against me but not even near firmly enough.

Nova trailed feather light kisses along my jaw and down my neck, gently grazing my skin where it met my shoulder with his teeth. A swallowed a sound of pleasure that bubbled into my throat and pulled him instinctively closer to me. The moon goddess Selene's words replayed in my scattered thoughts.

'You can't even say his name.'

Everything stopped for the briefest of moments, the world froze and time seemed to slow as his face flickered behind my eyelids. His youthful sculpted face smiling wide and laughing as he looked at me, radiating happiness with love in his eyes. A face I would never see again.

"Tell me about him?" Nova offered, pressing a gentle kiss to my collarbone.

It was a question that left me the option to not answer if I couldn't, or handing me a lifeboat that could possibly save me from drowning. I could keep him to myself, holding his memories close until there was nothing left of me. Or I could share him with the one person that didn't see just the monster when they looked at me.

'You've been given a second chance...' Selene's words whispered against my thoughts again and my throat ached as I worked to form words.

"H-his name was..., " I paused and took a deep shuddering breath, completely useless as a vampire but reflexive nonetheless. "His name was James."

A tortured moan tore free from me as Nova wrapped a hand around my shaft and my eyes stung behind my still closed lids. His lips met mine, the kiss bruising and fevered yet chaste as he broke away and stroked his hand up and his thumb circled the tip. Pleasure zipped through me despite the tight ache in my chest and he pressed his forehead to mine.

"He sounds perfect already," Nova whispered with a smile in his words. "Tell me something else?"

Again, an offer to continue or hold back but Nova's response to his name alone made it impossible for me not to keep going. Desire rushed through me, pleasuring zinging in my veins.

"He was a human," I hissed out as Nova strokes began a slow, torturous rhythm, "and he loved music."

Gods this was so wrong, talking about my dead mate while I had my cock in someone else's hand. But, fuck, it felt so right that there was no going back, not now and maybe never again. Nova hummed his approval as he trailed kisses down my chest. I growled deep in my throat as he bit my hip, hard, and followed it with the heat of his tongue to soothe the skin beneath his lips.

Thrusting into his hand, I threaded on hand into his hair just as I had wanted to do when I first found him in my bed. His cheek slid over my erection followed by the wet glide of his tongue around the head.

"Fucking hell!" My head fell back and I resisted the urge to plunge into the heat of his mouth and fuck him until he choked. Instead, I growled out a warning. "Careful teasing, little Tink."

"I can handle it." I felt him smile against me. "What kind of music?"

I opened my mouth to respond but the words came out as a rough groan as he gripped the base of my shaft and took it into his mouth. Heat enveloped me, pleasure pooling at the base of my spine as the pad of his tongue rasped over me. My fingers tightened in his hair, dragging a moan from Nova that vibrated through me and my hips flexed pushing me further into his mouth.

Apologetically, I immediately pulled back only to be rewarded by him following. My muscles tensed when I brushed the back of his throat but instead of gagging, Nova tilted his head against the pull of my grip in his hair and swallowed all of me. A primal noise rumbled in my chest and when he went to retreat, I dragged him up my body and yanked at his shorts before pushing him back onto the bed and tossing them away.

Kicking off my jeans, I crawled over him as everything else in the world disappeared. Nothing existed except for Nova, his eyes bright with desire and a longing I couldn't even begin to fathom. The heat of his body against mine was the kind of bliss I never expected to feel again but yet here I was. Every thought and second guess was absent as I stared down at him, his lips red and slightly swollen, cheeks flushed and blonde hair disheveled.

"Fucking beautiful," I said softly, my eyes roaming over his face as I took him into my hand.

His eyes grew wide and glazed over with pleasure as he thrust into my hand. Nova pulled my mouth to his and I swallowed the sounds he made as I worked him, attuned to every reaction as I learned what he liked. I bit his lip, careful not to pierce the skin with my fangs, and soothed it with my tongue when his hand snake between around bodies and held me in a rough grip.

"Come with me, Robbie," Nova rasped breathlessly.

Groaning, I crashed my mouth to his, savoring the taste of him as my tongue danced with his. We moved in symphony, new yet familiar like we had done this a hundred times before. Terrifying and exhilarating all at once, and I couldn't get enough. Nova's skin was feverish against mine, his body trembling and his movements growing more frantic. The pressure built steadily, an intensity that threatened to overwhelm me as I teetered on the edge.

Nova broke away from the kiss, my name on his lips as the first pulse of his orgasm slicked between us. The sound of my name whispered in ecstasy from Nova was all it took to send me tipping over the edge right behind him. Pleasure burned through me like fire, nerve endings I didn't remember I had igniting with a frenzy that left me dizzy.

I dropped my head to the crook of his neck, listening to his breathing and heart slowly ease back into their normal rhythm, our hands still trapped between us. When I had control of my limbs again, I eased away and rolled onto my back as I tried to process what the hell just happened.

I expected to feel regret, to feel shitty for betraying the memory of the first man I ever truly loved. And maybe it would come later when I least expected it or maybe it wouldn't come at all. But in that moment, as I lay staring up at the slowly darkening ceiling as the sun drifted lower, I felt... peaceful. The monster no longer snarling and snapping in the back of my mind.

"Rock." I said, the words sounding loud in the quiet of the room.

"What?" Nova asked, turning his head with his brow furrowed.

"James. He liked rock." I looked at Nova, surprised it didn't hurt like swallowing glass to say his name. "He was in a band and they were a week away from signing the final contract with a big label."

Nova looked at me for a long time, shadows flitting beneath the lingering pleasured glaze in his eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was filled with a dark sadness that I instantly hated.

"Sometimes things happen that we were never meant to change, no matter what choices we could have made, it would have ended the same." I knew he wasn't just talking about James but what he said next was the last thing I thought he would say. "I killed for the first time when I was six years old, and more than once after that, all because I thought she would stay if I did."

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A/N: So, that happened lol.

It was a much longer chapter than the usual. What did you think?

Did you see errors? Let me know.

Next chapter will be up as soon as I can.

Thanks for reading!❣

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XOXO🖤❤🖤❤

~SM~