"The worst thing you could
do is tame the chaos in you.
It's like being told not to
feel when you're thrown
in the fire."

~~R. M. Drake

****************

~Nova~

My skull was cracking and my brain was swelling. That could be the only explanation for the pain that spiked through my head like nails being driven by a hammer. I closed my eyes as tight as I could, dreading the moment when I would finally have to pry them open. 

Things slowly started to register in my mind. The orange glow of the sunlight behind my closed eyelids, the obnoxiously loud birds somewhere outside my window, as well as a heavy weight draped over my body. I could feel the sheet, light and cool against my bare skin, and this was definitely not part of it.

Groaning against the pounding in my head, I attempted to roll onto my back. The heaviness shifted enough to allow my movements but slid back over me as I stilled. A memory tugged at my mind through the fog, a feeling more than anything, of safety and reassurances that I wasn't accustomed to. 

The conclusion my hungover thoughts immediately jumped to could only be wishful thinking and I kept my eyes closed to savor the illusion while it lasted. Because I was almost certain that once I opened them, I would be greeted with disappointment. 

I winced as cloth rustled, the sound loud and echoing in my ears. The next thing I knew, fingertips grazed my cheek as gentle as a whisper and I held my breath.

"I know you're not sleeping," Hatter spoke softly somewhere close to my face, his breath lightly fanning my cheek. "I can hear your heart racing."

Slowly letting my eyelids crack open, I looked up into his face looming inches from mine. The air in my lungs caught in my throat as I stared at him, my sluggish brain fighting for some semblance of words. He was breathtaking as he looked down at me, his amber eyes intense and warm, and a small smile played on his lips.

"You stayed," was all that came out when I finally opened my mouth to reply, my voice slightly hoarse and filled with surprise.

"I stayed," he acknowledged, his thumb rubbing gentle circles on my cheek. "Plus, I got the benefit of seeing the look on Dominic's face when he came in here earlier to check on you."

Mischief danced in his eyes and I tried to imagine it but my head protested causing me to close my eyes again. Unlike Nevada, I didn't give two shits about what our father thought of my life or the choices I made or who I made them with. Sighing and turning onto my side, I gave into the urge to bury my face in his neck, allowing myself to take whatever he would give me for however long.

Bits and pieces of the night before flitted through my thoughts, most blurry after the first few glasses of whiskey. I had a feeling I was glad I couldn't remember most of it, especially if Hatter was in my bed. It was then that I realized I was only in my underwear and my body tensed at the potential reasons behind that. So many possibilities but surely I would remember if that had happened. Right?

Embarrassment flooded me, my face heating and I was glad he wasn't looking at me directly. But I had a feeling he could feel it because he chuckled lightly as he rested his hand on my hip.

"Relax, it wasn't that bad, but he definitely wasn't thrilled with the idea," Hatter told me and I could hear the smile in his face. "Okay, you're going to have to let me up."

I made a lazy noise of protest, not ready to give up this moment, and lazily tossed my arm over his waist. "No."

"I'll be right back," he argued patiently. 

"Nope," I replied, shaking my head which I instantly regretted.

"You need water and some aspirin," Hatter explained as if I didn't already know this.

I grunted and tightened my arm around him. My head felt like it was slowly spinning and I began to wonder if I was still a little drunk. It was impossible to fully believe that this wasn't a dream, a hallucination brought on by my alcohol soaked brain. There was no way Hatter would be okay with this, not when he was trying so hard to deny whatever this was.

"Come on, Slink," he urged gently, humor coloring his words and I frowned.

"Are you making fun of me? I feel like I'm missing something," I admitted as I looked up at him in confusion. 

"Just a slittle," he shrugged, laughter swirling in the amber depths and he bit his lip.

It took me almost a solid minute to figure out what the hell he was saying, the words not making any sense at first. Then realization struck me.

"You're such an asshole," I told him, attempting to glare but his sudden grin made it impossible to follow through. 

This was the side of Hatter that was easy to deal with, easy to want without hesitation. The relaxed and confident smiles that hid the dark, twisted knots of what lay beneath the surface, a complex labyrinth of who he was, but called to me all the same. The parts that were Robbie.

"I may be an asshole but you still need to let me up." He carefully disentangled himself and rose from the bed. I silently mourned the loss of him but kept my eyes closed and my body still, unwilling to let him see. "You'll need to eat something, too."

I groaned reluctantly, my stomach roiling at the thought of food which made me wonder if I was going to throw up. Taking slow even breaths through my nose, I fought back the nausea and forced myself into a sitting position. The world tilted dangerously and I fisted my hands in the sheet to steady myself. I rarely got drunk, especially not drunk enough to forget what happened and then feel out of it the next morning.

"My magick is going to be so fucked today," I muttered to myself as I rubbed my hands over my face. 

I could already sense the hazy disconnection, everything dulled and slightly out of sync from what I usually felt. But I refused to let my thoughts drift to anything else because I could feel the jagged edges of it pressing against me. If I could just stay here in this room, with him and the rest of the world shut out, it could be a safe haven where nothing was wrong and nothing hurt. Despite the fear that gripped me at the idea of forever, I had no doubt that if he offered I wouldn't hesitate.

"Drink." I jumped at the sound of Hatter's voice, not having registered his initial return to the bed somehow. "It will help and maybe you won't be out of sorts for too long."

I smiled as best as I could, but I was almost certain I just looked constipated, as I took the glass from his hand and swallowed the tablets he had held out. The cool liquid soothed my raw throat and it no longer felt like it was shredded.

"Why did you stay?" I asked quietly, not meeting his eyes. The possibility of seeing pity in them was too much to risk, I couldn't handle it if he looked at me like that. "You didn't have to and you didn't have to be here when I got up. I wouldn't have held it against you considering… everything."

"Because you needed me," Hatter answered without hesitation. "Because you asked and… "

His words trailed off, uncertainly, and a prickle of muted nervousness nudged against the invisible haze that prompted me to look up. The muscles in Hatter's body were tensed and his fists clenched almost subconsciously in his lap as I held his gaze. There was no pity, not even a hint, only tumult of other emotions swimming in the honeyed pools.

"And… ?" I prompted, unable to look away even if I wanted to.

He licked his lips as his eyes flicked briefly to mine and then back up, his voice dropping low and husky as he said, "And… because I wanted to."

My head pounded, blood roaring in my ears as I processed the words, wanting to believe them but more cautious than I would have been before. I wanted to accept it for what it was, a face value of the fact that he just wanted to be close to me. Physical proximity but nothing more, because that was safe.

Hatter leaned forward, so slow I would have missed it if my eyes hadn't been glued to his. The pad of his thumb traced my lip, sending a shiver down my spine.

"I want a lot of things I shouldn't, do a lot of things I shouldn't," he said quietly, his eyes tracking the movement of his thumb as he hovered inches away, "but I can't bring myself to hurt you."

"Then don't," I breathed, my heart racing in my ears.

A sad smile graced his lips, "I'm not sure there would be any avoiding it."

Anger flashed through me, so quick and hot that it nearly stole the air from my lungs. Without thinking, I shoved him away from me as hard as I could and watched as he tumbled to the floor. Sliding from the bed, I stood over him and looked down at his shocked face.

"I'm not a glass fucking doll, Hatter. Pain is nothing new to me but your determination to paint me as some helpless, broken toy is really starting to piss me off." I glared down at him, fists clenched at my sides. "I appreciate the sentiment but goddamn stop acting like I'm going to crumble without a promise for forever. I never asked for that."

"Nova, I -," Hatter began as he climbed to his feet.

"I'm pretty sure I offered you an out, didn't I?" I continued, disregarding his attempt to talk. "Yeah, I might be a little fucked up in the head right now thanks to my mom and her wonderful disappearing act but I'm not fucking fragile."

"Would you just listen?!" Hatter snapped, his own anger flashing in his eyes.

"I probably should but no. I'm too hung over for this shit." I turned away, grabbing some clothes before heading to the bathroom.

Hatter didn't try to stop me, which I was grateful for because I wasn't sure how I would react if he had. I slumped against the bathroom door, my eyes closed as I fought the urge to punch the wall. Losing my shit wasn't going to help but that's exactly what I was doing. Everything was too overwhelming, too extreme for me to deal with, and I couldn't decide if I wanted to fight with Hatter or fuck him.

I hadn't lied when I said I wasn't fragile but that didn't make the statement entirely true either. I was a ship lost at sea, waves crashing violently into me from every direction. He hadn't deserved that, but I needed him to hear it and if he could believe it then maybe I could, too.

Heaving a sigh, I pushed away from the door and tugged on my clothes. Trying to figure out how to apologize or if I should even bring it up and hope he understood somehow. No, that wouldn't be right even if he did understand. I couldn't leave things like that.

However, Hatter wasn't in my room when I came back out, the space feeling too large and empty without him in it. It left behind an odd sensation, one I didn't recall ever experiencing, and I frowned as I slipped on my boots. Just as I finished and stood to my feet, I felt the prickle of magick from somewhere nearby quickly followed by a small explosion and a screech of fury.

Ducking out into the hall, I saw Dominic with his arms locked around a struggling Alana. A place on the wall opposite them held a decent sized scorch mark and Alana's face was twisted in a mask of complete rage as she glared down the hall. I followed her line of vision and saw Hatter standing stock still, his face impassive but his jaw clenched.

"Let me go right now, Dominic!" Alana shrieked, attempting to twist in his arms. "I swear to the gods I'm going to make the bastard suffer!"

"Calm down, love," Dominic said calmly in her ear. "You don't want to do this and you know it."

"The hell I don't!" She yelled, her eyes glistening with angry tears. "He let that bitch go! Ashira is dead because of her and he fucking let her go! He had her, Dom, he had her!"

"I know, baby, I know," he said, his voice soothing as he pressed a kiss to her temple. "But it's not that simple and you know it."

My eyes flicked back and forth between the two of them and Hatter, trying to piece together what happened. I hadn't asked Hatter any questions, not ready to hear whatever answers he had because I had felt sure he would have killed her and I wasn't sure I could handle that. But he hadn't killed her, instead he had let her go?

"It sure as hell would be if it had been August that was killed," Alana snarled, finally jerking free of Dominic and whirling on him. "You know that and so does everyone else. You wouldn't give a damn about anything but destroying whoever took him from you. Just because it's me and not you, doesn't make it any different."

She shoved by him and back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Dominic rubbed his face with his hands and pushed his way inside. Their muffled yells could be heard through the walls but I wasn't paying attention, my eyes locked on Hatter.

"You really thought I would kill her?" It was posed as a question but it was a statement. He didn't need my answer because he already knew. Hatter's eyes shuttered, his eyes unreadable as he looked back at me stoically. "Don't forget to eat."

And then he was gone, leaving me alone in the hall drowning in my own guilt and cold silence.

********************

A/N: Sorry for this chapter taking so long to post. It's been a bit chaotic for me this last week.

Anyway, here it is and I hope you enjoyed!

Errors? Thoughts?

Thanks for reading!❣

Next chapter will be up as soon as possible.

Please remember to VOTE if you enjoyed it. Comment and follow for more updates.

XOXO🖤❤🖤❤

~SM~