"The most confused you will
ever get is when you try
to convince your heart
and spirit of something
your mind knows is a lie."

~~Shannon L. Alder

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~Nova~

I was freaking out. There was no other way to describe the panicked feeling roiling in my gut. I wanted to scream or throw up or get drunk and then throw up. What the hell was I thinking, offering myself to him on a silver platter with the promise of no consequences? I was such an idiot.

The whole way through the house, I did everything I could think of to calm my frayed nerves and terrified thoughts. The problem was that it was like pulling teeth from a brick wall, completely impossible. And I couldn't blame anyone but myself and my moronic impulses! My lack of self control was going to get me in trouble one day, if it hadn't already done it.

When I got to the top of the stairs that led down to the main part of the house, I paused. There were voices and trickles of laughter drifting up to me from the living room that let me know the others were there. The idea of some family time was both inviting and slightly revolting. I wasn't sure I was in the mood to work on my fragile... truce? bond?... whatever the hell I was supposed to call things with Dominic. But I did miss hanging out with Nevada like we used to.

I looked toward my room at the end of the hall, the door still closed as it had been earlier. My mother would no doubt be curled in the bed as if hoping it would swallow her. After we had returned to August's, she wouldn't talk to me about what had happened last night and I knew she wouldn't talk to anyone else. I was still reeling from the shit storm she had brought upon us all and pissed about her behavior in general. There was so much she needed to explain but she refused to unlock her mouth to do so.

Sighing, I rubbed a hand over my face and grimaced at the light growth of stubble. With all of the constant bullshit, I couldn't even groom myself properly. Shaving could wait, I needed sleep more than that but I couldn't bring myself to go into that room with my mother's intolerable silence.

After a few more minutes of standing in the hallway like an idiot, I made up my mind and slipped into one of August's other guest rooms. He had plenty to go around in this ridiculously large house and could kiss my ass if he didn't like it. I was not in the mood to deal with such petty things and I didn't think I could handle being surrounded by everyone else either.

I flopped face first onto the bed and let out a frustrated groan into the pillow. My body was sore from the running we did the night before and my dick ached from being ignored too frequently as of late. A few weeks ago, one phone call and everything would have felt better in no time. Now, though, it seemed like all I did was get all worked up and there was nothing I could do about it. At least nothing that would satiate the issue.

I tossed and turned for a while in the unfamiliar bed, trying to forget about basically throwing myself at Hatter and every other problem that bounced around my head. It seemed pointless at first but I eventually managed to get comfortable and my mind finally gave in. As I drifted off, a nagging feeling that something needed my attention tugged at my mind but I was too far gone to care.

●●●●

I woke sometime later, moonlight filtering through the curtains on the window and the rest of the house seemed quiet as if everyone had gone to bed. My restless sleep had been filled with dreams I couldn't remember other than flashes of naked flesh and chiseled muscle. I clenched my jaw in irritation when I realised that even my erotic dreams were untouchable and ended unsatified.

Throwing the sheet back, I stomped to the bathroom and turned on the cold water. The world was falling apart, people wanted to kill me, and all my mind could focus on was my dick. It would have been a laughable idea even recently, and would have been then if I wasn't so fucking miserable.

Stepping under the cool water, I gasped in shock as the drops hit my heated skin and the shiver down my spine went straight to my groin. With my hand gripping the base of my shaft, I was tempted to find Hatter to see if he wanted to help and give a guy a hand but I had already embarrassed myself enough tonight. No, I couldn't handle another rejection so close to the lat. Besides, desperation wasn't generally an attractive quality.

After the cold water and quick orgasm failed to relieve the tension in my body, my cock still semi erect, I stepped out and dried off.

"What the actual fuck?" I muttered in annoyance to myself as I wrapped the towel around my waist and went out into the hallway. "Take a shower without clothes to put on afterwards and my dick thinks it's a prepubescent tween."

Shaking my head in disgust at myself and insane libido, I quietly eased the door open to my room, trying not to bother my mother but I couldn't stay naked. I left the light off as I grabbed some clothes and dressed as silently as I could in the bathroom, however I realized something wasn't right when I came back out. A feeling of dread grew in the pit of my stomach as I remembered the sensation of something begging for my attention just as I had fallen asleep.

With bated breath, I flipped the light switch and frozen as silence surrounded me as all other concerns left my mind. I was alone in my room staring at an empty bed, everything neatly in its place just as it should have been. Except for the note in the center of the bed and my mother nowhere to be seen. I forced myself to survey the room, suddenly desperate to find something that would ease the knot in my chest.

I kept telling myself that she couldn't have left, someone would have noticed or heard or something. Ignoring the note that screamed like a neon sign, I tore from the room and raced down the stairs. When I reached the entryway, my heart pounded in my ears as I checked the kitchen and then the living room but I came up empty. A banging sound in the garage drew my attention and flew through the door.

My mother wasn't there but Hatter was, shirtless and crouched beside a motorcycle with tools scattered all around him and grease on his hands. Normally I would have appreciated such a sight but the moment was ruined by the fact that my mother had once again disappeared on me.

"What's wrong?" Hatter stood instantly, frowning at my distressed state.

"Have you seen my mom?" My hands were shaking and I clenched my fists to still them. "She's not upstairs or down here."

Hatter's brow furrowed even more. "No, I haven't seen anyone since August took over watch. Everyone was in bed when I came down."

"Are you sure? You haven't heard anything?"

I didn't want to feel like this and I shouldn't feel like this. It was just like being in my childhood all over again and this shouldn't have been surprising to me at all because this is what she did. If I was honest, it wasn't exactly a shock, but the all too familiar pain that went with it, and still managed to burrow in deep like glass, was. She would show up, turn everything upside down and leave again. Every. Fucking. Time.

"Nova, I have no reason to lie about that," Hatter pointed out patiently. "Maybe she's just in the bathroom."

I shook my head, my breathing coming out quick and shallow as fear snaked its way in. "No. No, I looked."

I was on the verge of an anxiety attack and that knowledge did nothing but piss me off even more. She shouldn't get to me like this anymore, especially after what happened last night, but she was still my mom and people wanted her dead. I still didn't know why but that didn't negate the facts. I could spend the rest of my life angry and hating her but that didn't mean I wanted her to die.

"Tell me what happened." Hatter's voice was calm but firm as he wiped the grease from his hands with a stained rag.

I swallowed hard and tried to calm my breathing enough to form words. I quickly relayed the short story as there wasn't much to tell, my throat going dry and my voice cracking slightly.

"And so now I'm here and she's just... gone...," my words trailed off and I felt even more like a lost little kid again.

"You said she left a note?" Hatter asked cautiously as if he could tell I was barely in control.

I could feel the magick rushing towards me like a tidal wave, feeding off my turbulent emotions like a parasite. If I didn't do something soon it would end up like that night in the kitchen when I blew up at Hatter but so much worse. But first I needed to know what that stupid piece of paper said.

"Yeah," was my only reply before I turned and made my way back through the house like an automaton. I had to freeze everything, throw up a wall in my mind to hold it all in long enough to do this. Hurting someone else wasn't an option.

Why couldn't I catch a break, even for a fucking day?

The folded piece of paper lay in the same place as before, the blankets pulled neatly into place as if no one had been here at all. My hands trembled as I slowly picked it up and stared at my name written in neat cursive scrawled across the front.

"Just open it, Nova. Stop being a dramatic pussy and get it over with," I growled to myself. "Great, now I'm talking to myself."

I really was losing my shit...

"Would you like me to do it?" Hatter offered unexpectedly from the doorway, making me jump.

"Goddamn it, Robbie!" I explained with a hand to my chest as my heart popped into my throat. "I didn't realize you were there. Wait, of course you are. You're always fucking right there."

Hurt flashed in his eyes when I looked at him but he quickly masked it. "Okay, then do you want me to leave?"

"What? No, I didn't-," I closed my eyes and pressed my lips together for a moment before looking back at him. I couldn't do this shit. "Just... shut up. And don't move. Shush."

Gods, I'm such a girl sometimes. Fuck!

Hatter's lips twitched like he was fighting a smile and I glared at him before looking back at the letter in my hand. I was almost positive I knew what it would say, but I couldn't stop now. Flipping the paper open, I began to read the words elegantly written and except for ink smudged from tears, the spots still damp.

Nova,

I know you hate me and I've accepted that fact because I know I deserve it. I've done nothing but cause you pain your entire life and for that I am truly sorry. You were a beautiful gift in my life of darkness but my own bitterness squandered the light inside you for so many years.

I've done things I can't take back but you're with good people now and I won't take that away from you, not this time. Your father is a good man, one worthy of your love, but I'm not good. Not anymore.

I couldn't do what I was supposed to do this time and it will cost me my life, but hopefully it will save yours. I love you, Nova but please don't look for me. You are stronger than you know and if you don't believe anything else, please believe that.

Love Always,
Mom

The air got stuck in my lungs and the color drained from my face as I read the letter again and again like it would change the words. After what felt like an eternity I looked up at Hatter, words dissolving in my head before they could even form entirely. Without saying a word, he gently took the letter from my hands and read through it while I stared at the empty bed in front of me.

It didn't make any sense. What was she supposed to do? Why was not doing it going to get her killed? The questions pinged around in the hazy numbness, centering on one fact alone. But I didn't want to believe she would do that. She had always done stupid shit but this... this was completely different, it felt different as if there was a finality in her written words.

My eyes stung as my legs trembled, forcing me to sit on the edge of the bed to keep from falling. It seemed as if the gods were determined to destroy everything that was left of me along with the life I used to have.

"She left knowing she was going to die, and she did it anyway," I said in a voice barely above a whisper. My throat ached, anguish filling every nerve in my body. "Robbie, my mom is going to die."

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A/N: Yes, I'm aware the first third of this chapter revolved around Nova's dick. But are we really complaining? Lol

Thanks for reading!❣

XOXO🖤❤🖤❤

~SM~