Warning: This chapter contains mention of suicide that may be triggering <3

Addie POV:

I dipped my fingers into the little ravine, surprised that it was warm. I expected it to be at least a little cool but it was quite warm even though it wasn't even noon and wasn't hot out today. They must live on a spring of some kind. I dragged my fingers in the water, creating no pattern in particular when I felt that familiar feeling.

I didn't think I could ever get over just knowing when Xander was near me and looking at me. My heart started racing as I stood up and looked over my shoulder, finding him standing there wearing blue jeans and a black v-neck. Damn Tess. I wasn't sure if I was thinking 'damn Tess, good work' or 'damn Tess, why are you exploiting my weakness?'.

I turned to face him fully and we just stood there staring at each other for a while. He finally took a small step forward and even if it weren't for the look on his face I'd know how bad he felt. I could feel it, it seemed like the more time I spent with him the more I recognized when his feelings were reaching me. It very much hurt to see him hurt. This was worse than being away from him all night.

"I'm sorry, love," he said, his face crumpling. "I'm really sorry. I panicked and I jus-"

"Will you just shut up and hug me?" I sighed, shaking my head.

His eyes widened and he blinked a few times but then his arms were around me faster than I could register. He buried his face into my neck and held me tightly. It felt so good to hug him, some of that pain fading away and fading even faster when I wrapped my arms around him, too.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing the side of my head. "I'm sorry, love. I... I was trying to protect you from me. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. I'm sorry."

"Stop," I said, shaking my head and pulling back so I could look at him. "I don't want to hear you're sorry. I just want you to talk to me. Can't you just talk to me?"

"Of course I can," he nodded, bringing his hand up to my face and brushings his fingers over my cheek delicately. With the way his face crumpled I thought he might try to apologize again but then he shook his head and kissed my forehead before taking my hand.

By the look on his face I could tell it wasn't going to be easy or fast so I sat down by the ravine and patted the space next to me. He sat down with me and scooted close, running his fingers through my hair. It was something I noticed he liked to do from the very first day, run his fingers through my hair. I wasn't complaining. There was something so comforting about someone running their fingers through your hair. He was quiet but I could tell he was thinking so I waited, setting my hand on his.

At first I was hurt by him but after everything Tess said I realized there was so much more. So much I didn't know. And there was no denying that look on his face before he left, when he said he didn't trust himself with me. He was scared. It hurt that he was scared.

"My parents died from a Pack Suicide," he said, swallowing hard and staring at the ground.

"What?" I breathed. That was so not how I expected this to start.

"When something happens," he said, clearing his throat and lifting his eyes to me. "When someone finds out about us because a pack has been sloppy or someone has been nosy, we're required by law to enact the Pack Suicide. Only a certain number of people take the pill, enough that it looks convincing we're all gone. To protect other wolves. When we die..." he paused, swallowing hard. "When we die, our forms go back to human. That way our kind is always safe, even if we're killed. If one of us is autopsied after death, everything would come back as a normal human even though it doesn't when we're alive. It's just the way it is," he shrugged. "Some same it's something the goddess blessed us with and some say there's a more scientific reason, that in the process of dying our wolf side goes first since we spend more time in our human form. So to prevent our entire race from being at risk, when someone learns about us and intends to hurt us, we have to act. Doing that usually makes the person asking questions look insane for thinking our people were wolves and not just some cultist group, which is what we usually get after a pack suicide. A crazy cultist group."

I didn't know what to say so I just squeezed his hand. The look on his face made me wonder how often he relived that memory.

"Rego's dad was my dad's Beta," Xander sighed, making my eyes widen again. "Usually you wouldn't include both pack leaders and the Beta all at once, you'd leave one to take over the pack. The problem was, it was Rego's dad that got sloppy and he and both my parents were on the radar. So Rego's father was added to the list of ones that had to go, otherwise he'd keep being tracked to every pack he went to and inevitably end up killing more wolves. Rego never forgave my parents for adding his father to that list, he wouldn't see reason, he refused to understand they had no choice and it wasn't an easy to decision to make."

He paused and I took the opportunity to ask. "Is that why he's after us? Rego?"

"No," Xander sighed. "I'm afraid that actually is my fault. In a way," he shrugged. "After it happened, I was named Alpha immediately. It made sense, I was only seven months away from turning eighteen and I'd been brought up to take over the pack, to be an Alpha. The pack isn't just inherited by birth right, if that were the case there would be plenty of wolves that weren't strong enough or didn't want the responsibility taking over," he explained. "However, if you happen to have the birth right and seem like a capable pack leader, you go through intensive training from the time you're little and that's what I did. So it made sense for me to take over because I already knew how to run the pack, I'd already been shadowing my mother and father so I could handle the responsibility. Rego didn't think that was fair. He was older and if not for his dad's name being added to the list, his dad would've been Alpha and that in turn would've made him the next Alpha after some training, not me. So he grew bitter and when I didn't name him as my Beta or Gamma, he was pissed. He challenged me for the title and lost, then went back to his uncle's pack and when his uncle died, he took over that pack."

"So it's all because he's not Alpha of this pack?" I asked, frowning.

"No. That's not the only reason," Xander said, staring at the ground again. "About a year after all that happened, we were doing a rogue raid. I try to leave rogues alone most the time. As long as they're not hurting anyone, I don't see any reason we should bother them. But when they do start hurting, that's when we step in and since the rogues were closest to my and Mateo's packs, we were responsible for doing a raid and taking care of the problem. So we went and found they were holding people against their will for..." he paused, shaking his head. "Entertainment."

"Oh my God," I breathed, closing my eyes.

"It gets dark in this pack, Addie. It's not always easy," he said, squeezing my hand. "Sometimes we have to deal with stuff we'd rather not even think about."

"I get it," I nodded. "My mom was a CIA agent so... I get it. The world is dark and some people are really terrible."

"Right," he frowned. "Anyway, there was this girl. She was young. About Tess's age so almost sixteen at the time? Too young to be able to recognize her mate. Sixteen is when you can be recognized by your mate. Anyway, she was a fae."

"A what?" I asked, frowning.

"Right, sorry, uh," he ran his hand through his hair like he always did when he was nervous. "Fae are magic beings, like us, like witches, they have inherent abilities and they're immortal like vampires. Their abilities are more based in the earth, using nature as a driving force."

"Oh," I said, raising my eyebrows. Questions about that would have to come another day. "Got it, continue."

"Right, so, she was hurt pretty badly and at the time, Mateo's pack was recovering from an intense rogue invasion and he couldn't take in many people so a lot of the rescued ended up with us, including her, Ivory." Something dark went over his face and part of me just knew that this girl was somehow going to play a big part in what he said next. "I housed as many as I could but we ran out of space and so some had to stay in the pack house and Ivory was one of them."

He paused and took a deep breath, looking at me nervously.

"This next part is Rego's biggest issue, why you're such a target. But I want you to know that everything that happened it... I didn't mean for it to be that way, it's not what I was trying to do at all."

He looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something so I nodded. "Okay. Open mind. Go ahead."

I could tell it was hard for him to stay so I squeezed his hand again. He sighed and closed his eyes.

"Ivory got unhealthily attached to me. I think it was because I stopped someone while... Well... I'm sure you can fill in the blanks," he said, shaking his head and opening his eyes, staring blankly ahead. "The point was, I was the one to pull her out of there and give her a place to stay while we tried to find her family, but we never did and she ended up becoming part of the pack. We nursed her back to health and I spent a lot of time, not just with her but with everyone, trying to help them cope with what happened, move forward, that kind of thing. Ivory saw my wanting to help as... Something more than that," he said, looking at me sadly. "I didn't mean to mislead her, Addie. I was trying to be nice, I was trying to be there for her but at that time I made it clear to anyone that would listen that I was waiting for my mate and my mate alone. It was before I started giving up hope and I never felt that way about Ivory, I saw her more as a little sister."

"I believe you," I said, threading my fingers with his.

"When Tess pointed out the problem which I never even noticed until she said something," he said, running his hand through his hair. "I distanced from Ivory. I got her moved to somewhere outside the pack house and I tried to draw clear boundaries for us. But she was also just... She was so hurt from what happened. When she would come to me crying, it's not like I could turn her away so I'd comfort her and... It just became a bad pattern," he sighed. "I tried to get her close to Tess, to someone else, but she just kept coming back to me. Anyway, two years passed, she turned eighteen, and then Rego showed up to try to mend things with me and..." he paused, closing his eyes again. "Ivory was his mate."

My heart had been racing but stopped when I heard that. Rego's mate. The girl attached to Xander was Rego's mate.

"What happened?" I asked, afraid to know the answer.

"He was thrilled," Xander said, opening his eyes and staring past me like he was watching it all happen again. "But she wasn't. She felt the connection to him but... She didn't want to be with him. He tried to win her over and kept coming back to the pack to talk to her but she wouldn't let him in. I think he was a bit intense for her," he sighed. "After everything she went through, she needed someone that would be patient and gentle and Rego isn't exactly like that. She felt their bond and the attraction but all the physical attraction in the world means nothing if you don't have a deeper connection than that and she didn't feel one with him," he shrugged. "It happens sometimes, not often, but it does happen that people take a chosen mate even after meeting their fated mate. So during their last big fight, she told him she didn't want him, she wanted me."

Oh no. I didn't know where it was going but I knew it wasn't good.

"So of course, Rego freaked out," Xander said, shaking his head. "I tried to tell him the feelings weren't reciprocated, that I purposely kept her at a distance when I realized she had feelings for me. But he saw red and for a second time, he challenged me. It obviously didn't end well for him so not only did he go back to his pack without his mate, he went back ashamed for losing a challenge to me for the second time," he said, running his hand through his hair. "He begged me to force her to go with him but I couldn't do that to her, no matter our issues, it wasn't fair to her to force her into another situation she didn't want to be in. I wouldn't force anyone to do that. But apparently when I was trying to reassure Rego that nothing would happen with Ivory, I unintentionally broke her heart. We found her in her room, hanging from the ceiling and that made Rego snap completely. He blames me for it."

"Oh my God," I breathed, leaning forward and wrapping my arms around him. "God, Xander, I'm so sorry."

"I am too," he said, holding me close to him. "I didn't mean for any of it to happen like that," he said, his voice quieter. "She left a letter that said I made her feel more than she thought she ever could, more than she could handle."

Oh, God. That was so fucked up. No wonder he freaked out last night after what I said. No wonder he held so much guilt, she essentially blamed him for it. "Xander, it wasn't your fault," I said, hugging him tighter. "It wasn't your fault. She was sick but it wasn't your fault."

"I was trying to do the best I could and it just... It kept collapsing," he sighed. "Every time I thought I had us in a good spot, something else would happen."

I pulled out of the embrace and sat closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder. There was more. I could tell there was. I laced our fingers together again and waited.

"I was already in trouble from the start, being young and then swearing in Tess and Kaden while they were so young. We were constantly being harassed, having our judgment questioned," he said, a slight hint of bitterness in his voice. "When that happened, it just gave the ones complaining more firing power and I'd already started questioning my judgment because of everything with Ivory that when they started not trusting me even more I just... I let it get in my head. I still do," he admitted.

"Tess said you're adored in this pack," I said, lifting my head up to look at him.

"At the moment I am. But I've seen us fall too many times to believe it won't ever happen again. No one's invincible and I don't always have the right answer. I rarely have the right answer. I lean on Tess and Kay more than I probably should," he frowned. "I just need their judgment because I often don't trust myself, not anymore. At one point I did. I was confident when I took over that I could be good for this pack but... At some point I lost that confidence."

"You'll get it back," I said, nudging my shoulder with his. "You just need time."

"I don't know about that. A lot of time has passed already," he sighed, looking over at me. "I'm sorry about last night, Addie. I'm really sorry. I didn't want to leave you I was just worried I'd hurt you an-"

"Stop," I said, setting my finger on his lips. "It's okay. I get it. But next time, can you just talk to me? I mean I think it's my right to decide if I'm going to trust you to not hurt me, don't you think?"

He looked conflicted but nodded, bringing my hand up to his lips, kissing my palm. "It won't happen again."

He was exhausted. He was so exhausted and I couldn't blame him. That was a lot of shit to carry. I knew what it was like to carry burdens but this was something else. I'd be so afraid to let him see the darkness in my past but he had just as much, if not more. Maybe together, it wouldn't be so dark. We weren't so different after all. 

We could both use a light moment after that so I decided to make it as light as I could. "Good," I said, standing up and brushing the dirt off my jeans. "I want my date now."

He finally smiled and although everything he told me was so heavy, that smile made it all so worth it.

A/N:

Hey lovely readers!! Here's your answer to the question of who is Ivory and why is Rego so hellbent on taking Xander down, now Addie knows almost all the moving pieces. Let me know how you liked this chapter!

Ugh, confession, I was just totally melting at how close they were during this chapter, please tell me that wasn't just me?

Oof, that's some rough history between his parents and Ivory, how do you think Addie handled it?

Who's excited for their date?!

Until Tuesday, my loves! <3