Yohan had never been much of a fighter, but he'd never allowed himself to be bullied either. Any other circumstance would have had him fighting back, even knowing that he was no match for the other man, but he'd stood there taking the blows for at least half a minute, feeling the rage behind every punch. He couldn't be sure when rational thought – along with a deep sense for his own survival – kicked in, but soon he was behind Jaejin pinning his arms down with no idea how he'd gotten there.

Jaejin had pushed away from him easily, proving his point that he wouldn't have been able to restrain him if the man had chosen to continue beating him. He looked down at the person he'd tried hard not to love, ignoring the single word spoken, not sure what the right thing would be to do, but knowing that leaving wasn't it.

He moved to kneel in front of the other man, feeling the warmth of Jaejin's tears touching his fingers as he tilted his face up to look into his eyes – eyes he'd looked into countless times before, yet never before had he seen them so full of pain. Jaejin flinched as if he'd been scalded by his touch, so he dropped his hand.

"It will take more than a few punches to get me to leave again."

He wasn't sure what to do. Was there a right thing to do in this awfully wrong situation? His heart sank as he watched how desperately Jaejin clung to the wall, his body wracked with sobs. In their time together he'd seen many sides of the man, but he'd never expected to ever see him this vulnerable – this completely broken.

Jaejin could try to push him away, continue to deny that he felt anything other than desire and be as cruel to him as he wanted, but all he felt in that moment was the need to take away his pain. To comfort him. To love him. To hope that they could someday be together freely.

He reached out to lift Jaejin's hand from his face, praying to the God he'd never been on good terms with that the man would allow him to comfort him, even slightly.

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Jaejin pulled his hand free, glaring at Yohan before getting up and heading into the living room. Why wasn't he leaving? He needed to be alone. He shut his eyes briefly, trying to still his ragged breathing, standing with his back to the other man, already feeling that he'd bared more to this man in the past few minutes than he had to others his entire life.

He needed air... the room suddenly felt too small, suffocating him. He looked down at the coffee table for his whiskey, then remembered the fate it had met earlier. Fuck! He needed a drink more than he needed air.

"You can let yourself out," he said as he walked toward his studio, leaving the door ajar so he'd hear when the other man left. He grabbed the glass he'd left on his desk earlier that day, downing the leftover whiskey before sitting down on the sofa.

He shut his eyes, leaning his head back against the worn leather, a dull ache in his head. How had his perfect life become this nightmare? Award-winning author, co-owner of the country's leading publishing house, sometimes songwriter, adoring husband, then in a blink of an eye – reclusive drunk with no will to live, except he was too much of a coward to end himself.

"I already told you... I'm not going anywhere."

His eyes didn't open at the sound of the other man's voice, he was too worn out to fight him. His soul felt heavy, torn...

▼▲▼

No response? He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but that wasn't it. His eyes drifted to the silver chain around the man's neck, longing to have access to Jaejin's mind again, even if only for a moment. He'd always considered his powers a burden, but in that moment he would bear it if only it could let him know how to ease this man's torment. Leaving the way he did had been one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Cowardice. That was what it was called, simply that, nothing more and nothing less. The guilt of what he'd caused was tearing him apart, so he'd run away, leaving Jaejin to deal with the mess he'd left behind. He was done running. And now he needed to fix things.

Jaejin had every right to hate him, so this quiet calm scared him more than the rage he'd seen a few minutes ago. He could feel its effects in his upper body every time he moved now, his fingers unconsciously moving to run softly over his split lower lip, something that would not be easy to conceal, even with make-up.

He leaned forward, grabbing Jaejin by the shoulders and pulling him closer, hesitating only briefly as their eyes met before closing the distance between them. If he got punched again, he would endure it, but he could no more resist this urge than he could resist coming there. 

▼▲▼

Jaejin's eyes snapped open at the unexpected move on the other man's part, every instinct telling him to get away, yet he found himself stunned into a meek silence the moment his eyes met those mesmerising ones. He should've resisted. He should've pushed him away, it would've been easy enough. He should've clung onto the anger that kept him strong. Instead, he caved the moment those supple lips pressed against his, eyes closing as he allowed the kiss – not kissing back, but not resisting either.

There was nothing shy or gentle about the kiss, bordering on cruel as Yohan's mouth moved hard and urgent against his. He welcomed the contact, but the brutality of the kiss came as a surprise, the pain and metallic taste of blood – even if he didn't know whose – exciting him, making him moan involuntarily into the kiss.

So many memories came flooding back in the short moment their lips touched, all of them good, that he prayed the kiss would never end if it came with the power to stop the flood of bad memories that had been threatening to drown him for months. His eyes remained shut even after the kiss had ended, as he tried desperately to keep reality from crashing down onto him again.

"I'm sorry." Yohan's breath ghosted over his lips, his voice heavy with emotion.

Those words were what snapped him back, allowing every bit of pain, both physical and emotional to rush back as he opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was the damage he'd done during his moment of rage. His hand lifted, one finger tracing lightly over the other man's bleeding lip, the familiar tightening he'd always felt around the singer in his chest for the first time in months.

▼▲▼

The gentle touch to his lip sent shivers through Yohan, yet he remained still as the finger brushed over the cut, his lips parting slightly. He wasn't ignorant to the fact that his kiss hadn't been returned, but this simple action was enough to make his heart flutter.

"You shouldn't have come here."

"I know." His fingers brushed lightly over the fresh bruise against Jaejin's skin. "I tried to stay away... to... forget you." And he had tried to stay away, to stop thinking about the man, but nothing he did had worked. "I needed to see for myself. To know that you're... okay."

Jaejin nodded, but his eyes remained on the wall behind him rather than looking at him. Yohan watched the emotions chasing each other over Jaejin's face, listened to him breathe in slowly as he clearly tried to remain unaffected by the moment.

"You have no right to be here... to act like you give a damn." Tears once again spilt from Jaejin's eyes as he spoke, tears that he did not try to hide. "You have no right... you never did."

Yohan's hand lifted off the other man's face, Jaejin's words making him flinch. Those words stung more than the bruises he could feel all over his face. Maybe he'd deserved it. No. He knew that he did. He deserved every bit of pain he was feeling.

"I do give a damn. What do you think would've happened if I'd stayed?" He felt the sting to his lip, tasted his own blood as he ran his tongue over it. "Staying... I would've wanted to fight for you. I would've wanted to ruin your life further. To make you mine." He looked down at his own hands, at the way they trembled. "Do you think I care about what others think? I would tell the world how I feel about you. I regret nothing we've done. I have nothing to lose." He could feel a tightening in his chest as he held back his tears. "I won't apologise for loving you, Jae. I have no regrets."

▼▲▼

"I don't need your regrets. Mine are enough to last all my lifetimes." Jaejin turned to look at the man sitting before him, barely able to breathe through the effort it took to keep from giving in to his emotions again. "My biggest regret is not..." He breathed out slowly, the words stuck somewhere deep inside of him.

He looked Yohan in the eye as he tugged his shirt open, ripping the top buttons right off, then reached for the silver necklace he'd not taken off since it was given to him by a friend over a year ago. The necklace that had been carefully crafted and spelled to protect his mind from the man before him. The witch's instructions to him had been simple, but clear - don't ever remove it, for it was the only thing that could protect him from unnatural things. He fingered the purple fluorite pendant for a moment before taking it off and tossing it aside, allowing Yohan into the most intimate part of him – his mind.

He no longer cared about privacy, he wanted the man to look directly into the darkness that was consuming him. He was fully aware that along with the pain and resentment, Yohan would also finally know what he felt for him. Words he'd never had the courage to say... but he no longer cared.

He watched Yohan closely, trying to read every expression as thoughts that weren't his own flooded his mind. It was one of the worst ideas he'd ever had. He wished he knew how to project only the thoughts he wanted to share, but if he'd been any good at controlling his own thoughts and emotions, they would not have been in the mess they were in.

After the initial rush of emotions, common-sense slowly crept back, that familiar comforting numbness spreading through him again. He reached for the discarded necklace, unsure if he'll ever need it again with Yohan out of his life, but slipping it back on out of habit more than anything else.

He tried not to look at the other man as he stood up. "I didn't do that so you could pity me. I did it so you could have the answers you came here for and leave."

He walked out of the room, heading for the kitchen to get a half bottle of whiskey stored in one of the cabinets, then headed up the stairs to find the solitude he'd become accustomed to over the past two months. 

▼▲▼

Pity? Was that really what Jaejin thought he felt? When the talisman came off, every thought darkening the other man's mind rushed him, overwhelming him even before he could start to make sense of them. Yohan remembered all the beautiful moments they'd shared, but he found none of them amongst Jaejin's recent thoughts, it was as if a dark shadow had been cast over everything Yohan ever was to him.

He felt every bit of despair weighing Jaejin down, images of Nara's face when she'd walked in on them that night flashing before his eyes... a memory of him slipping out of the loft as the couple argued... regrets... anger... sadness... grief... some things he could not fully understand, things he were still trying to make sense of when the thoughts had stopped abruptly with the talisman back in place.

He felt emotionally wrung from only a few minutes of experiencing the despair consuming Jaejin, yet that was the dark hole the other man had been living in for over two months. Pity was not what he was feeling, it was guilt.

By the time Yohan had regained enough of his composure to walk back out Jaejin was halfway up the stairs, a bottle in his hand. What was the right thing to do? Nothing he could think of felt right. He'd felt it clearly, Jaejin's desire to be left alone. His desire to distance himself from everything, especially Yohan. But did he even know what he needed?

"Jae..." He moved up the stairs, grabbing the hand holding the bottle. "You don't want to keep doing this."

▼▲▼

Jaejin was halfway up the stairs when he heard his name. He considered ignoring it, continuing up the stairs, but his feet refused to cooperate, feeling too heavy to take another step. Why was he making this so hard? He felt like his heart was being ripped apart. Every fucked up emotion he'd been feeling for the past few months had intensified the moment he'd heard Yohan's voice over the phone.

He flinched as his wrist was grabbed, the familiar jolt of electricity he always associated with Yohan's touch infuriating him. How could this man still affect him after everything that had happened? Not only was he part of the reason Nara left, but he'd also not stayed by his side when he'd needed him most. Instead, he'd left and taken up with someone else. Why was he there now when he was no longer needed?

"Why are you here?" He spun around, pulling his hand from the other man's grip. "Things not work out with your new lover? He leave you?" He reached out to grab a fistful of Yohan's hair, pulling him roughly against his chest, capturing his mouth in a hard kiss, tongue forcing its way past his lips to explore, feeling the familiar stirring of desire as he kissed him until he needed to come up for air. "He not fuck you the way I do?" he whispered against Yohan's lips before shoving him away and turning to continue up the stairs.

"He wasn't you." He'd barely taken a step when Yohan moved past him blocking his way. "No one is, Jae."

"Move." Why couldn't this man see how dangerously close he was to losing it?

And before he could utter another word Yohan's lips were pressed to his again, rough and hungry, his hands gripping Jaejin's shoulders, teeth tugging at his bottom lip. He would be lying if he said that the other man's boldness didn't surprise him, the glimpse of determination he saw in his eyes making him allow the kiss, growling softly at the sting to his lip.

The kiss was something he could easily resist, but the moment those sensual hands touched his body he knew he was lost. His arms wrapped around the other man, pulling him closer, a soft moan escaping as he kissed back, his body responding to the desire coursing through him – a desire he knew he'd never felt for anyone before this infuriating man, not even his wife.

"This changes nothing..." he growled against Yohan's lips as his hands moved to undo the other man's pants with trembling hands. 

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