Desperate howls haunted me the whole way home. Even without the mate bond, I knew whose they were, and even without the mate bond, it hurt. I knew I was the cause of Caleb's sorrow and I knew it hurt him physically as well as emotionally to be mated to me. 

Still, I didn't turn around to be with him so I could ease his pain, or to reject him so he was free. No, I was selfish and carried on walking, ignoring his pain, simply because I couldn't feel anything of it. A part of me still felt as though he might be lying, but at those times my bitch of a concious would kick in and tell me that no alpha would lie to a runt like me to lead them to believe they were his mate. An alpha could have anyone he wanted, so no alpha in his right mind would make up being my mate.

I was so lucky, another part of me realised, but that part was so small that it was easily swallowed by all my worries and fears.

By the time I got home I was glad the howls were being drowned out by the excited chatter of my six-year-old, so I could forget about him for a few hours and forget about how much of a selfish b]itch I was being. 

Alexander clung to me like I'd been gone for days.

"Mommy, I missed you!" he yelled, as I scooped down to his level to wrap him tightly in my arms. At least there was one constant source of happiness in my life, no matter how bitter the memories about his start in this life were.

"I missed you too my little cub. How 'bout I go make us some dinner?" 

He nodded eagerly and trailed behind me into the kitchen. 

***

Our dinner was spent with small talk, my mother didn't bring up Caleb and I sure as hell wouldn't. For a few blissful hours I had almost been able to forget about him. How strange that I used to long for a mate and now that I had one, it was too hard to deal with and  I would rather go back to the days of not knowing him. 

After dinner, I made Alex take a bath and cuddled with him in the big bed until he fell asleep. I had to admit, I stayed a little longer because I was trying to postpone the inevitable talk that my mother was dying to have. She had been quite patient, not prodding, but I had noticed her glancing my way throughout dinner and I knew I couldn't keep her in the dark for much longer. I had never kept anything from her before and although I wasn't sure what to tell her, I felt like I was lying to her.

After a few more cuddles with my brilliant little boy, I gently untangled myself from him and made my way down the stairs. As I was making my way to my mom, an urgent knocking interrupted the talk. I watched the door warily, only one person would knock like that, at this hour, or something bad must have happened. Either of those possibilities, the conversation with Mom didn't seem so frightening any more.

I made my way over to the door and gently swung it open, revealing a Caleb who looked like he was barely holding it together. Alarmed, I raised an eyebrow, but as my lips were trying to form a coherent sentence, arms wrapped around me, tightening their embrace around my small frame a little too harshly.

"I'm sorry for barging in like this, but I just had to see you, the pull is so big and I can't resist, I'm sorry."

His voice came out muffled and in ragged breaths, as every few words he would inhale deeply, sniffing my skin with his face snuggled in my hair.

I let him hold me, I might not have a lot of experience with mates, but I had read about them and I had been told stories of wolves going crazy when not spending time with their mates, so I allowed him this moment, even if his hold was a little too tight and he was sure to leave marks on me. I gently pushed against him, so I could close the door behind us, to drown out any sounds of our conversation, so Alex wouldn't wake up again.

I waited out his embrace, awkwardly keeping my arms beside me. It wasn't like I could move them much anyway. After a few minutes, he seemed to be calmed down enough, until he suddenly realized how tight he'd been holding me.

"Shit,"he uttered, when he did.

In less than a blink of an eye, he was several meters away from me. I sighed and shook my head while walking the few steps down the porch and towards him.

"It's okay, I understand it's hard for you to remember that I'm as fragile as a useless human."

"You're not useless." he immediately said, not letting me finish. "I should have realized, I'm so sorry for hurting you." 

He tried to put more distance between us, but I surprised myself by reaching out to him, keeping him close. 

"It's okay." I repeated. 

He stared at me, not blinking, just staring, taking me in. His fingertips brushes over the light marks his hold had left on me and his eyes clouded black. I felt him try to distance himself again, but this time, I put both of my hands on his cheek, rooting him in place.

"It's okay." I said, a third time, this time, more urgently.

"One should never hurt their mate." he answered, almost robotically.

"It wasn't intentionally, Caleb, that doesn't count, you simply forgot about my frail skin."

He nodded, although I could tell he wasn't agreeing with me.

Deciding to let it go, I changed the subject.

"So, are you alright now? Has your wolf been calmed down enough?"

Caleb nodded, his forest green eyes scanning my face as though in wonder.

"Yeah, your scent soothes me enormously." he paused, seeming to think about something.

I raised an eyebrow, silently urging him to go on.

"You know, it's funny. I've been gone for hours now, and I had barely been touching you, but you smell so much like me, your own scent is actually far less detectable than mine. So weird."

"Hu, that's weird. Must be your alpha pheromones."

He nodded. "Perhaps. Never heard of something like that before, though. Of course mates reek of each other after they've, you know, but that wears of quickly too, but I've barely even touched you, and you smell like you've taken a bath in my bodysmell."

I wrinkled my nose, slightly disgusted with the mental picture I got in my head.

Caleb's face fell. "I'm sorry, you don't smell of course, you smell heavenly, but just a lot like me too."

I waved my hand at him to dismiss his comment, letting him know I wasn't offended. We really needed to stop walking on eggshells around each other, or we'd never get anywhere.

"Weird though, right?" 

I agreed with him, seeing as I had cooked dinner, played in the water with Alex and cuddled with him for so long, shouldn't I smell of him instead? 

"Anyway, sorry for bothering you like this, but my wolf was out of control, I simply had to see you. I'll let you go to bed then. Will I see you tomorrow? Maybe you can let me meet your uhm, son?" 

I watched him, he was handling this so well, even though he visibly struggled with the word 'son'. I found myself nodding, even I'd convinced myself it would have been better to sever the bond between us and let it wither so he could assume a new mate. 

"I don't know about you meeting Alexander yet, but we can definitely meet tomorrow, get to know each other.."

He agreed, eagerly nodding himself. "Fair enough." he said.

He started turning away from me, but changed his mind. All of a sudden, his lips brushed against my cheek very lightly and then he was gone so fast I couldn't even see him anymore. 

I walked back to the house with a stupid grin on my face that I didn't seem to be able to get rid of.