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18 - My true self

Note:

Remus tries to be serious, but Sirius is too busy cracking jokes and pondering wolf theories. Meanwhile, Phil’s out in the forest, dodging wolves and existential dread. Classic Hogwarts day, right?

...

Remus' POV:

»Moony, that makes no sense!« Padfoot's voice cut through my thoughts, echoing with the scepticism I could see mirrored in Prongs' eyes. I halted in the corridor, spinning around to face them, ready to argue my point.
»Watch out!« a Slytherin hissed, shoving past me with a glare. Perhaps stopping in the middle of a bustling Hogwarts hallway was not the wisest idea after all.
I moved into the courtyard beside the Transfiguration classroom, the snow crunching beneath my feet, waiting for my friends to catch up. The ground was blanketed in white, the sky a dismal grey overhead. The cold seemed to seep through my clothes, biting at my skin. Leaning against the wall, I watched as the three of them filed out, still staring at me like I had gone completely mad.
»It does make sense, Padfoot,« I insisted, trying to sound more confident than I felt.
Sirius was directly in front of me now, his brow deeply furrowed. Prongs chimed in, his eyebrows raised in disbelief. »I have to agree with Sirius. How can you be so sure she went back? She could be anywhere in the castle.« A gust of wind tugged at his Gryffindor scarf, its red and gold stripes vivid against the snow. We were supposed to be in Herbology right now, a fact that made the chill seem all the more biting.
Turning away from the scarf's flicker, I exhaled sharply, watching my breath mist in the cold air. »I just have a feeling,« I muttered, my voice barely above a whisper. The unease that had been building in my gut told me Phil was not hiding within the castle walls.
Sirius groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead dramatically. »We're skipping class because of a weird gut feeling? Oh, Moony, how you love Herbology.« Despite his sarcasm, the grin spreading across his face showed he was not too disappointed.
»A bit more seriousness, please,« I said.
»Of course, Sir.«
»Padfoot, I'm serious.«
»Understood, my lord.«
»Oh, forget it,« I sighed, unable to stop a small smile from forming. Not because the idea of an adventure excited me like it did Sirius, but because a realisation was dawning.
»What is it?« Prongs asked, noticing my expression.
»I think I know a way to prove my suspicion.«

The Fat Lady's portrait loomed before us, her shrill voice cutting through my question. »No, I haven't seen anything,« she replied, her tone grating on my nerves.
I pressed on, »You didn't see anyone sneaking out of the common room last night? No slender girl with red hair?«
»Not that I recall. Even portraits need their beauty sleep, my boy. I haven't opened the entrance since curfew. If your friend is missing, she never came back here.«
»Thanks anyway.« I turned to leave, but she stopped me with an eager suggestion.
»I could give you a demonstration of my singing? I've been practising,« she added, holding up a glass bowl, her eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. »A strong woman needs a strong opponent,« she declared, raising the bowl.
Panic flashed through me. »No, that’s really not necessary!« I hurriedly declined, relieved when she finally kept quiet.

Great, I thought, and then the boys and I descended the stairs. We moved silently over the moving staircases, only hearing Padfoot's humming sounds since he could never think quietly, then we disappeared into a corridor.

»Well, it’s not really our business, is it?« Wormtail mumbled, his voice barely audible.
I whirled around, irritation sparking. »What do you mean by that?« My tone was sharper than intended. Wormtail flinched, stumbling over his words. »I mean, it's just... if Phil wanted to leave, maybe we shouldn't be looking for her. What if she doesn’t want to come back?«
His point hung in the air, a bitter truth none of us wanted to acknowledge. But Wormtail, not being the sharpest quill in the stack, had overlooked a crucial detail. If Phil had truly sought out her pack, there would be no warm welcome waiting.
»Think, Wormtail. What happens when you approach a wolf pack alone?« I asked, trying to make him see the danger.
Understanding dawned, and Wormtail’s eyes widened in realisation. Finally, even he grasped the gravity of the situation.
»Wolves and a missing Phil, how terribly intriguing,« a new voice drawled, making me jump. My heart sank as Elizabeth Lestrange stepped into view, a smirk curling on her lips. The Slytherin's eyes glittered with mischief as she sauntered towards us, clearly relishing our discomfort.

Elizabeth's POV:

»Lily!« Severus' voice sounded right next to me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I had been lost, mulling over yesterday’s encounter with Aquila. She'd looked terrified, hearing voices, or at least that's what it seemed like. The way she sprinted away, faster than I ever thought someone as skinny as her could manage - it was almost as if she was running for her life. I followed her as far as the edge of the Forbidden Forest, but going in there? I was not stupid.
Today, word was going around the Gryffindors about someone named Phil, and they were out looking for her. Normally, I would steer clear of any Gryffindor business, but after what I saw yesterday, I could not just ignore it. The image of Aquila's wide, panicked eyes haunted me, leaving a chill I could not shake off.
Severus’s voice pulled me back to reality, mostly because he was now talking to Evans. My loud sigh did nothing to hide my annoyance. Severus had already caught up with her, and as soon as Evans noticed him, her face lit up like Christmas. I trudged after them, the dutiful friend I was.

I don't need to understand their friendship. I don't even want to, or my toenails might curl in disgust.

»Oh, hey, Sev!« Evans greeted, throwing her arms around him. I grimaced. Severus' fondness for a Gryffindor, of all people, was beyond me. I already had to tolerate Evans and her insufferable friends more than I liked, thanks to Severus. Luckily, they found me as pleasant as a blast-ended skrewt.
»Lestrange,« Evans said curtly, acknowledging me with a nod. Her friends offered a similar cold greeting, which I returned with equal indifference. »Evans.«
That was all the civility we managed before Evans turned her attention back to Severus. They chattered away, lost in their own world. Severus might be the only person I regularly spoke to, but his infatuation with the Gryffindor girl was painfully obvious. I could not deny that, even as a Slytherin and a Lestrange, Evans had a certain charm. I suppose, if one could look past the whole Muggle-born thing, she was not unbearable. Of course, my pure-blood pride would not let me say that out loud. But not all pure-bloods were worth their salt - Black, for instance, was proof that even our kind could be monumental idiots.
Speak of the devil. A glance across the courtyard revealed the Marauders - a band of brainless jerks -, huddled together like conspirators. My mind wandered back to Aquila’s disappearance. This seemed more intriguing than playing the third wheel to Severus and his lovesick antics. I hung back, letting the space between us widen until I was practically invisible.

Oh, an adventure, how thrilling.

The Marauders moved out of the courtyard, and I slipped into the shadows, trailing behind them at a safe distance. Anything was better than enduring Severus’s moon-eyed adoration of Evans. The boys turned right, towards the moving staircases. Not the direction of the greenhouses, where their Herbology lesson should be. Clearly up to something, I thought, following them quietly.
I lingered at the bottom of the stairs, observing. The Marauders’ hushed conversation meant they did not notice me. I carefully chose my steps, using a different set of stairs to avoid being seen. They were talking to the Fat Lady's portrait.

Yes, Lupin is the smartest among them, I thought, observing the boy who spoke with the portrait.

My guess was that he was asking if she had seen Aquila. But as the Marauders made their way back down, their faces were still clouded with concern.
They ventured onto the third floor. I hurried to catch a moving staircase, just in time, managing to stay on their tail. They stopped in a deserted corridor. I heard Pettigrew’s uncertain voice, »I mean, it's just... if Phil wanted to leave, maybe we shouldn't be looking for her. What if she doesn’t want to come back?«
I peeked around the corner and saw Pettigrew, scrutinized skeptically by his friends. Black, that insufferable twit - oh, how I despised that lad -, looked at his little friend as if he were insane, but Lupin gave a reply, »Think, Wormtail. What happens when you approach a wolf pack alone?«
My curiosity burned hotter now. I was the only one who had seen Aquila flee into the forest yesterday. How could the Marauders possibly connect her disappearance to wolves? They must be on to something, and that something was more interesting than listening to Professor Binns drone on about goblin rebellions.
And I had not had the chance to ruffle the Marauders’ feathers in a while. With a smirk, I stepped out from my hiding place and announced myself. »Wolves and a missing Phil, how terribly intriguing.«

Phil's POV:

I gasped, my lungs burned. I was fast, faster than others, but still, it was too slow. How was I supposed to stand a chance against wolves? It was foolish of me to think this way...

»But Phil, you can save yourself, and you know how,« the voice whispered. This time, it did not sound nice. It was pressing.

No, please not...

My heart grew heavy. My vision blurred. Tears were the cause, and they were traitors - they wanted me to obey the voice.
No, I could not save myself. I firmly believed I was just a girl with a curse. I could do absolutely nothing; I was just me, and I would die.

»Be what you are, why do you resist?«
»I taught you better!«

I fell to my knees and screamed, »No, you taught me nothing!«
I was talking to myself. My hands dug beneath the snow cover and found a stone. I got up, intending to keep running, but it was futile; the wolves had encircled me. I was trapped.
»I never wanted to be like you!« I continued to shout, trembling. Hot tears would not stop forming in my eyes. I had never wanted it. Why had this burden been thrust upon me?

»You can't deny it, Phil!«

»I can and I will. I never want to be like you! You left me! You explained how beautiful the world is, but you're wrong! You lied to me, and then you left!«

»I know, but this is the wrong time to suppress your true self, you'll die, Phil!«

»No...«

»You must do it!«

»But I don't want to, it hurts so much...« I whimpered at the thought of what the voice was saying.

Ah, that all-too-familiar voice. How it always seems to be right in a sick way...

The wolves drew closer. The stone slipped from my hands, I clenched them into fists, and sobbed.

»Phil, now!« the voice urged, and without needing to look, I knew that if I did not act now, I would die. Not quickly, but painfully and slowly.

»I know...« I whispered, then it happened. I had to admit to myself what I was.
Pain overcame me, and I convulsed, falling to the ground. I screamed so loud that it momentarily scared the wolves. Everything burned, then the transformation occurred. I became my true self.

A howl sounded...

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