Ayano's pov

I've now learned a new emotion.

Loss.

A state filled without anything and yet overwhelmingly painful. What an agonizingly cruel twist.

Trying to fill this new void in myself, I laid on my side on my bed scrolling through the school's news feed. They had taken the liberty of creating a memoir to the two girls who died yesterday.

Najimi Osana and Churu Supana.

How could their lives that had so much spark...so much passion...so much to actually live for just up and... burn out? I could tell you how. The scenes refuse to leave me be.

Yesterday was going so smoothly. I planned to make an elaborate heart made out of purple and orange sticky notes, when a fantasy sight stopped me. Churu was placing something inside Najimi's locker. I had to stop myself, for I was certain I would fall if I didn't. Was I dreaming? I gave my ponytail a light tug. I felt a light sense of pain. Nope. Supana is actually complying with her feelings! What glorious feelings fled into me.

Churu's eye fluttered around and quickly left the locker room. I flew to the lockers. I nearly opened the door to the locker but I stopped. It just wouldn't be fair if I saw the item first. I hid behind a wall. Soon other students came and left, including the girl of amber, najimi. she pulled a sheet of paper out of the metal box that was her locker. she gave a small smile as she scanned it over. " Churu-blossom, you moron," she lightly muttered to herself. she walked away to venture upstairs. the slip of paper fluttered out her bag. i quickly snatched it off the ground. there was a snake with an eye patch wrapped around a teddy bear with a tiny poem at the bottom.

coronations are red

violets are blue

both use to mean:

I am so gay for you.

my heart began to burst from those words! Najimi liked the tiny gift from her true love! her true love complied with her heart's demands! EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT!

but...

During the club activities...

ruto made me point out the uncomfortable spot on the fountain. she then covered it in some kind of highlighter purple powder and sat me on the spot.the bad feeling erupted from my core. the other club members then spread salt in a very large counter clock circle around the fountain. supana stopped in front of the club side roof...right in front of me. the members in unison flipped up their hoods. ruto lead them in ominus latin chanting. the feeling began to spread from just my core to my thighs, my lung,my throat. i may have been hallucinating but a black waxy-ink like orb appeared from my chest. it looked like it was girataning. i tilted my head a bit to the side , a poor attempt to see if it was real.

i was a fraction of a second to touch it but then, as if someone threw it, it flew forward past my length of reach, past ruto all the way to churu. it knocked her all the way to the building walls. she fe-well flopped forward revealing a large crack in the wall. her club members shouted for her in concern voices. she placed a trembling hand against her head and the other on the white bricked wall. before she could mutter a " i'm good" a srill scream was heard. not by her...but osana. that's right. osana screamed. churu looked up and her last image on this earth was najimi's slightly appealing rump. najimi slammed her behind against churu's causing large fractures to the skull. her left foot impaled churu's rib cage. najimi's skull was then shattered against the cold, hard concrete of the walk way. blood trailed from their wounds... leaving all of us in utter disbelief and horror. once my six seconds of shock faded i too flopped to the floor.

this....this was a bad dream right? RIGHT? a horrible nightmare i am going to wake up from at any moment RiGHt?! i threw my hands against the ground. i felt the rough texture against my palms. this isn't a dream. i tightly clenched my teeth. The bad feeling was gone but now THEY were gone. THEY, who could bring such joy to me. THEY, who had done almost NO wrong. THEY, who coulD ACTUALLY HAVE A NORMAL HAPPY LIFE TOGETHER WERE GONE!!! i slammed my fists against the hard surface. my body began to ache. my muscles began to tighten. my throat became very dry. i felt like i had to release this pressure or i may burst yet...

my body refused to let me cry. it left me to suffer there. It left me to a world with nothing!

a light clicked on my phone. gurin just sent me another text. and by another text it was probably another message of false concern from the students. apparently they felt a kind of pain too after this tragedy... but what do they know... they weren't there. i'll just check on it to make her some what amused. i grabbed my phone off the pillow and clicked the power button.

y̶o̶u̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶n̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶d̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶a̶f̶t̶e̶r̶n̶o̶o̶n̶?̶ ̶:̶)̶

i blinked. that was... different. i didn't respond. instead i waited a bit. she responded again.

y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶y̶a̶n̶-̶c̶h̶a̶n̶?̶

h̶e̶l̶l̶o̶?̶?̶?̶?̶

o̶k̶ ̶i̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶l̶o̶o̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶i̶'̶l̶l̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶m̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶s̶i̶m̶p̶l̶e̶.̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶b̶u̶d̶o̶ ̶w̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶(̶o̶k̶ ̶i̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶)̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶i̶d̶e̶a̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶h̶e̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶e̶o̶p̶l̶e̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶w̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶e̶f̶f̶e̶c̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶a̶l̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶y̶ ̶s̶o̶u̶p̶-̶c̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶b̶i̶n̶ ̶l̶a̶d̶e̶n̶'̶s̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶t̶h̶.̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶a̶r̶o̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶i̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶c̶t̶u̶a̶l̶y̶ ̶S̶A̶W̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶u̶r̶d̶e̶r̶.̶.̶.̶w̶e̶l̶l̶.̶.̶.̶.̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶i̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶a̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶?̶

so. she was just trying to offer fake condolences. i don't need her pity. my phone blinked again.

i̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶a̶n̶g̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶l̶o̶o̶k̶ ̶g̶o̶o̶d̶.̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶g̶o̶n̶n̶a̶ ̶c̶a̶l̶l̶?̶ ̶

i hesitantly typed back.

♡the police?

B̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶u̶n̶n̶o̶r̶m̶a̶l̶ ̶r̶e̶s̶p̶o̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶i̶'̶v̶e̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶g̶o̶t̶t̶e̶n̶ ̶A̶ ̶y̶a̶y̶ ̶i̶ ̶g̶o̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶!̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶C̶ ̶G̶H̶O̶U̶S̶T̶B̶U̶S̶T̶E̶R̶S̶!̶

♡forgive me i don't watch that many movies.

y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶g̶i̶v̶e̶n̶.̶

n̶o̶w̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶s̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶l̶y̶ ̶s̶e̶r̶i̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶s̶e̶n̶s̶e̶:̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶b̶y̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶?̶

i didn't respond. i get she meant morn but how can you mourn what should have never died? what joy could you bring to darkness? for a moment i thought this was another thing for our project but no, she's just trying to make me feel better. well guess what gurin, nothing can make me feel now.

" i don't need your pity...," i yawned to myself and stretched. i scratched my scalp and made a tiny decision. " ...i need a nap."

i shut my phone down completely. i literally don't care what sles she had to say any way. i clung to my bed pillows. i need to nap for an eternity. maybe then they can figure out how to make a time machine so i could save at least one, but hopefully both, of the girls. i closed my eyes and welcomed the darkness...

that sweet, sweet darkness...

...

but then there was a faint knock at my door.

i awoke, but i didn't move my head. i could have been hearing things after all. so i paused a moment... it returned. this time, more frequent. i slowly arose from my futon and looked at the door to my bedroom. i started hard at the thin door. you could see the wood moving as it was being knocked; it was that thin. the soft knocking returned, but my door didn't move. i through my legs over my futon side and walked to the door. i left my room and headed to the hallway. the knocking grew louder.

ah. someone is at the front door... funny... my parents aren't due to be home for another month or so... i checked the peephole. there was a green eye staring at me. i pulled a away slightly puzzled...then i fell. i released a small ack and an even smaller groan as my butt hit the tile floor. "yan-chan! yan-chan! are you okay?" gurin asked in a very concerned tone. gurin? " i'm fine... slightly dusty...but fine," i replied standing the broom i tripped on up," what do you want?" " may i come in please?" she asked. i furrowed my eyebrows. she must have sensed it. " pretty,pretty,pretty please? with little strawberry unicorn crackers , green m&m's, and rainbow sprinkles on top?" she insisted. i looked into the peephole again. i could see her face doing a very well done lost puppy dog look. i sighed. " take your shoes off this time." i heard her squeal from the other side.

she jump/hugged my neck after opening the door. "thank you! Thank you!thank you! it was SO cold out there!" she chanted. "please remove your appendages.." i breathed out. "my what's?" she replied lost. "your..arms.." i responded back. " oh! psh- my bad yan-chan..," i felt her let go," better?" not much different than before...

oh.

she meant breathing wise.

" i'm fine... now once more: what are you doing here."

" oh yeah! we you weren't responding again so i went back to texting budo, daku,mai, ppippi,gema,kokona,saki,yui,sota,and allot of other students because i hate leaving a conversation unfinished and when i was replying to kaga yui texted back saying stuff like: lol maybe she'd ducked too. and i was like do you men died??? and she was like : no shit. and then i freaked out because if you planned to commit suicide too that would be an even BIGGER let down because not only would we have to find a new partner,your club would have no picture of you to sign because you weren't there on photo event day!so nobody would sign off to your memory! so i started texting you again but you didn't reply and then i did my special talent!...spamming. yeah, i apologize for leaving 72 unique concerned messages for you and a dog meme but i was really worried! so then after i sent you my last one i decided to walk all the way from my parent's apartment to here!" she replied taking off her shoes and sitting on the couch.

i blinked.

"i...that's uh...um...thoughtful?" i responded. i think.

she beamed. " no prob broblem! but since i am here... you wanna come to the cafe with us?" ah, that was her ambition. " i have plans today" i lied. she clasped her hand together. " oh please yan-chan? it wasn't as many people as i thought! it'll just be me, you, taro, budo, sho, juku, kokuma,shin,daku,and chojo! that's just ten people. ten! i was originally thinking that everyone that they ever held a conversation with was gonna go. clearly that wasn't the case so please with green skittles on top of sherbet ice cream???" she whined. i looked to the side. " i don't ... think that be..." her eyes appeared to be growing dimmer." ohhh, i get it...," she looked to the side and spotted my mother's acacia blossoms pot on the television stand. her lush eyes fluttered back to me. " i get it... you don't want to bother anyone with your pain.. you aren't alone." i stepped back.

" what do you-" she stood up. " i know you really, really don't want me to say this but... it is okay to let others help you. death affects everyone differently, and i mean everyone! you may feel like it's gonna burden people if you tell them about troubles that aren't their own but it's okay to do that. you're human," she walked over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder, " and humans do better after harsh events with other humans by venting it out. " i continued my stare at her but i let my face soften.

yes i know i am supposed to be human...but that's my problem. i may be human but i don't feel human... actually i don't know if i really am or not i mean.. isn't what makes humans 'human' are their thoughts, their ideas their...emotions...

she cupped my left cheek. she smiled a little bit. "it's okay to cry too, yan-chan. " crying? i shoved her off of me and wiped my lightly dampened face. i then contorted my arms around myself and replied very breathy, " thank you but i prefer to be in solitude right now.." gurin hesitantly slouched her back. " oh well. can't knock a girl for trying, eh? " she pulled out her phone. " if ya' change your mind, where meeting at the crystal candy cafe at the edge of town's center street! it's got a mint green konpeito on a light blue and pink bow as its symbol. you can't miss it, " she happily trotted to the shoe rack. she cracked the door and turned to me. " if not, i hope to see you at school so i can help you get through it then! " then she left. a slight draft filled the house with her departure. i shivered from its sudden chill. i stood in the living room pondering my next move.

should i go back to my bed and go back to sleep? well i really don't feel tired so no...should i go eat something? i haven't eaten since friday and my stomach is in as much pain as my heart,but i don't know what i should make...i could check the scholl page again for more photos so i can feel at least something...even if it's hurtful...

Or...

... sh...should i go join gurin and the others?

that's stupid. why would i want to be with a bunch of normal people who couldn't comprehend what i'm going through...perhaps i should..no.

that's my problem. if i keep cutting myself off to everyone, i'll never be normal. in earlier years of my life it was due to no fault of my but recently it has. if this pattern continues i'll never be like them, they who were perfectly normal in every way. they would have wanted me to be 'happy' right? and 'normal' is 'happy' right? so if i 'mourn' with their normal friends, i could learn to be happy on my own... they would enjoy that-no. they would need that. they could need it to pass on into their next life together. who should deny them their happiness. not me! no i'll make sure of it.

THEIR HAPPINESS SHALL RESIDE IN ME.