Layla

I had to get to my room.

I felt weak.

Emotionally.

I twisted the doorknob to my room and opened the door. It was dark. Just the faint glow of a single dim electrical lamp by the other side of the bed. Just what I needed, solitude and darkness. I was weak, not just emotionally, but physically drained. I slumped down by the bed and sank my head between my knees. No water came out of my eyes. No sob escaped my mouth. Just my heart beating far more than normal. There was a huge lump that just moved into my throat, making it hard to breathe.

I wasn't sure of the reason for the torment yet. Was it because of the unexpected bomb my family dropped on me? Or maybe I was just overreacting? Maybe I was just exaggerating my response? But it was my family that was on the table. My entire life had been about give and take. I was given utter happiness laid down in front of me. All I had to do was behave well, get good grades, and make them proud. But then, this situation wasn't normal. It was far from it.

The door to the room pushed open and I didn't need to look up to know who it was, my mom walked in. Her presence filled the space with warmth, even in my darkened state. I glanced at her once before burying my head back between knees.

"Why are you sitting on the floor?" She asked gently in Shuwa language, helping herself on the edge of my bed. Her hand slowly found my left shoulder, squeezing it in a comforting gesture.

"Ummi, what am I going do?" I said as my voice trembled.

"Layla, saying yes to this doesn't mean you are getting married instantly." She assured softly. "There's this courting you children do nowadays, you'll have time to get to know each other. Sending a proposal in this age and time is just a formality, in today's world. If you say yes, you are just giving it a chance."

"Ummi, what if I say yes and then regret it later?" I asked, voicing the fear that had been gnawing at me since I left the master bedroom. It was the thought that had been pulling me down all this time.

"No, you won't. In sha Allah, you won't." She replied with a confident smile. "You'll get along, I have a strong feeling. And you know that your brother and I would never do anything to hurt you." She assured.

A tiny chuckle escaped my mouth, but it turned into a sob that didn't catch me off guard, it was long overdue. "Ummi, I'm scared. What if I can't do it? What if we don't get along as you said? I'm not sure I want this."

"No. No, Layla. Don't say that." She soothed, wiping away the tears that had finally started to fall. "Of course, you can. You know what? You don't have to do this if you don't want to because wallah, I swear we won't force you. If you don't want to, then you don't do it. We will both be happy if you say yes, but if you feel you're not okay with this arrangement feel free to say so. We will never force you to do something you are not comfortable with." Ummi said with a soft voice while wiping my tears.

"Ummi, I don't know. I'm... I just... I think I'm scared." I whispered, feeling the weight of my uncertainty.

"It's normal to be scared, habibti. It's okay. I was scared too before I got married to your father." She confided, her voice calm and reassuring. "I told you that your father and I didn't even know each other before we got married. It was afterward that we met, and he fell right in love with me." She came down from the bed and threw a pillow before sitting on it.

I couldn't help but smile at that. "But Ummi, Abba said that you're the one that fell right in love with him."

Ummi laughed softly, a sound that eased some of the tension in my chest. She came from the Shuwa-Kanuri descent of Nigeria while Abba was from the Fulani tribe. The Fulani and the Kanuri didn't always get along, they're more like rivals because of how accurate their differences and similarities were. To puzzle everything out, they decided to start inter-tribal marriages. An inter-tribal union that wasn't always easy but had worked out beautifully.

"No, don't mind him." A sad chuckle escaped her. "He was the one that fell first. But that's not the point. My father and his father were friends too, just like your case, but what I feared was the fact that we're from different tribes. Different society. I kept asking myself; 'What if his family does not like me?' But then, being the ever-optimistic person I was, I realized I wouldn't know unless I tried. So, I decided to go ahead and try and wallah, I wouldn't have had it any different now. I learned your father's culture and his language. He learned mine and that's just it. You wouldn't know if you don't take the risk. Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith." Ummi said.

She continued sharing stories about her marriage with Abba, stories I'd heard before but always found comfort in. There was always something new, some new small detail that made their story even more special.

I took a deep breath and felt the air fill my lungs and the tension released as I exhaled. The fear that had seemed so insurmountable a few moments before felt more like a challenge to be faced rather than an obstacle to be feared. I wasn't certain of everything, but I was certain of one thing, I could trust my family and could trust myself to make the right choice.

I put my head on Ummi's lap and looked up at her face, my eyes met her eyes, and I felt a newfound sense of determination. Ummi's gentle smile, her face radiated with love and adoration, and glowed with happiness as she recalled memories of my father.

How could I say no to my Ummi's happy face?

How couldn't I take a risk, to give as I had always taken?

I sat there late at night, and my mom's words began to sink in, slowly untying the knots of anxiety in my chest. The initial fear that gripped my heart started to abb away, replaced by a very subtle warmth that spread through her. Her calming and reassuring presence was a soothing balm that softened the edges of my fears and doubts.

The stories of my parents' early days together were filled with uncertainty but also with the courage to take a chance, resonated with me more than they ever had before. They came to me at the most righteous time in the midst situation. I found myself reflecting on the idea of taking a risk and stepping into the unknown with hope rather than trepidation. I realized that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't about being pushed into something I wasn't ready for.

Perhaps it was about allowing myself to grow just as my parents had. The heaviness in my heart lightened, and for the first time since the proposal was mentioned, I felt a small sense of peace. The overwhelming emotion of fear and doubt that clouded my mind earlier began to clear and a very quiet resolve started forming. I wasn't entirely sure of what the future held, but the conversation with Ummi reminded me that I wasn't alone. My family was by my side, and they would never lead me astray. Ever.

Ummi almost slept in my room after our long conversation that lasted the whole night. She made me pray Istikhara alongside herself.

The next day, I had only one class, and by the time it ended, the sun was already high in the sky. Rahina and I walked to the parking lot together, our footsteps echoing lightly on the pavement because of our heeled shoes. Lulwa and Rahilatu, our two other best friends, didn't have morning classes, only evening ones, so it was just the two of us.

As we walked, Rahina glanced at me, her sharp eyes catching the "subtle" shift in my demeanor. "Why do you look down today?" She asked. Rahina might be held back and reserved, but she always noticed the slightest change in mood in any of us.

She was right, I looked down today because I felt down though not as intensely as the night before, I couldn't say. How could I explain that to her when I barely understood my own feelings? "Nothing," I said and then released an exasperated sound of frustration that betrayed my words.

Rahina wasn't one to push, but she cared too much to just let it go. She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, turning to face me fully for the first time since we'd started walking. "You wanna talk about it?" She asked, her voice gentle but insistent. "There's a spot over there. We can sit if you want." She nodded toward a shaded bench nearby, nestled in the quiet, leafy area we called the Love Garden. I followed her gaze to the bench, but something in me recoiled. The thought of sitting in a place associated with love and peace when I was feeling so confused and unsettled seemed wrong, almost like I'd be tainting the air around it with my mood. Ummi tried stopping me from coming to the university to rest but I needed to change the environment I was in.

I looked at her face and of course, Rahina looked serious. Her identical twin features mirrored those of Rahilatu, her twin, both shared the same rich, milky complexion and wide, expressive eyes framed by dark lashes. Their lips, full and naturally pink-lined, always seemed on the verge of a smile. The only difference between their faces was the shape of their eyebrows, Rahina had angled eyebrows while Rahila had curved eyebrows. Despite their identical looks, Rahina had always been the more mature of the two, likely due to her role in the family. After their mother passed away following the birth of their youngest sibling, Rahina took on the role of caretaker, a responsibility that had only deepened her natural sense of maturity.

I shook my head and managed to offer her a smile. "I don't want to talk about it," I said slowly, and I meant it. "Yet," I added. I wasn't ready to share, especially when I wasn't even sure how to put my feelings into words.

Rahina studied me for a moment, then nodded, indicating that she understood. Her understanding was as quiet as it was reassuring. "That's okay. Hold in there in a little bit." She linked her arm through mine and flashed me a big, toothy smile, one that was impossible not to return, even if just slightly. "Let's go, the drivers are here."

As we walked, I couldn't help but feel a little more at ease, though the weight on my chest hadn't entirely lifted. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about what was going on, I also didn't even know how to start. I felt like I was adrift, unsure of where to anchor my thoughts and emotions.

How could I explain all that to my best friends when I didn't even know what it all meant to me yet?

It's already been a week since that momentous day. 8 days, to be exact, and the turmoil I felt was still unchanged from last week. I spent the past few days hiding from reality by burying myself in schoolwork, I arrived at school by 7 am every day, even on those mornings when I had no early classes. My study desk in the corner of the room was a refuge, cluttered with case studies and notes, as I poured over every course for the session, trying very hard to fill the empty spaces in my mind with academic work. Trying everything to keep the thoughts at bay.

Ya Malik asked me three more times again through that week if I still wanted to go ahead with the proposal but what he didn't realize was that I didn't want to face it fully just yet. Every time the proposal is uttered, the mere mention of it made my heart lurch, as if it wanted to escape the confines of its rib cage and find a place where making up one's mind was easier.

Meanwhile, Adda Malika, my older sister, had been noticeably relentless. Being obvious was kind of her thing. She has been calling and sending me messages every day since last Friday when the news reached her, desperate to talk to me. But I didn't want to talk.

My heart was in a state of disorderly outburst, the emotions were churning like a storm I couldn't control.

Today, she decided to come over because I was home all day. I wouldn't put it past Ummi or Lulwa how she figured. I had an impromptu online class fixed in the morning, and after finishing the two assignments I had left, I finally had nothing else to hide behind.

Marking the dissimilarity, Adda Malika didn't ask me about my decision. She wasn't asking if I still wanted to go on.

"I know I don't have the experience of an arranged marriage because I had a loved one. But Layla, do you know what I realized when I got married? I noticed I didn't know Abdallah one bit. All I knew was the surface not the Abdallah on the inside. The months we spent together were nothing but an introduction to who we were." She paused, her voice carrying a heavy weight of sincerity.

"I'm not going to vouch for Asad, but Malik... Layla, I'll do it a hundred times over and over again. You know how I always tease Malik about how he doesn't show me half as much love he gives you, every single time I did that, I was serious. I don't have to tell you that Malik puts you first before himself. Sometimes when he does even the smallest of things like not eating delicacies till I keep yours aside, so he'll bring it home for you, it brings tears to my eyes because of happiness. I'm the oldest but he's the one..." She stopped, closing her eyes while pinching the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were watering when she opened them. "Ah, why am I talking about that now." Her voice broke, and she pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to keep the tears at bay.

She chuckled nervously, wiping her eyes. I rested my head on her shoulder and released a sigh of alleviation. The weight in my chest felt a little lighter as if her words had somehow eased the burden I was carrying. "Layla, if you decide to go on with the proposal, only then ut mean it must go on. I won't ask you to change your mind even if you want to, not that it's a bad thing, but more than anything, I've got a good feeling about this. You never know until you give it a try."

I was very young when Adda Malika got married so I have the smallest number of memories with her among all the family members. All distant and hazy. All I remember was our sharing of the same room, going to Islamic school together and suddenly, she was gone, married off to the man she loved. Most of the memories were between these times before she left. But slowly, over time, as I grew older, we reconnected and became friends, if I was asked. We became closer and related more as if she never left the house. My eyes watered as I thought back.

"So, every time you said I stole your brother from you, you were being serious?" I asked with my head still on her shoulder. We were sitting on the upholstered seat in my room, the familiar comfort of her presence making me feel like a child again.

"Is that all you heard?" She asked, playfully glaring at me.

That was my dramatic older sister. The one that always made me smile, even when I didn't feel like it.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Adda Malika prodded.

"Because whatever I say, you'll still try to convince me since you seem to have already made up your mind." I finished by hugging her tightly, knowing I was right.

Perhaps what I needed was someone to tell me what I was about to do was right, reassurance. Ummi and Adda Malik were both adamant about doing only whatever I wanted to do even though they could suspect what my answer was going to be at that point. Deep down, I knew they wanted it for me. The circumstances under which I made my decision were the only pillars I was clenching onto.

Awakening to the warmth of the sun on my face with a headache from a night full of prayers and another getting a blink of sleep can be such a deluge. All the heart-wrenching yaup, yawl, and emotional cloudburst were be hard to deal with. The holdover effect came with a recollection of the events that blossomed a few days and the whole week before. For the past week, I put up with schoolwork as if nothing happened, slept during the night like every week, and had a few thoughts about if my life was going to have abrupt and extreme changes.

What put the seasoning on the meal of indecision was talking to Adda Malika. I'd been putting off meeting her since the beginning of the week, but I was glad I finally did. I put down the quilt that was covering me, I hauled myself by the bedside and leaned, that's how I slept after Subh prayer. But what I didn't remember doing was getting the blanket that covered me which only meant that Ummi had entered the room after I dozed off.

Ummi. She'd never seized to come into my room at night.

After all the time that had passed, I gave my affirmative answer finally. It had been over two weeks since the proposal was laid out before, like a gift I was too afraid to open but I finally gave in. I had wrestled with my thoughts, turning them over in my mind. I tried to make sense of the jumble of emotions that swirled inside me, but the truth was, the fact that it had taken me that long to decide meant that I was going to say yes eventually. My heart used to race with anxiety instead of excitement whenever I thought about the proposal but after saying yes, the knots in my stomach started to untie themselves.

Reflecting on Asad, the man who caused the jumbled-up emotions in me, I felt a swirl of feelings that weren't as intense as before. The proposal hit me like a wave I hadn't seen coming. On one hand, I was flattered, but on the other, there was the deep-seated fear that I would never be able to connect with him. I knew he was a good man, everyone around me seemed to think so especially Ya Malik and Adda Malika. They spoke very highly of him, vouching for his character in ways that reassured me.

After a refreshing hot bath, I slipped into a simple and plain brown dress and headed to Ummi's room. I pushed open the door to Ummi's room slowly. And there, sat in serene, my lovely mother with the Holy book that rested effortlessly on her lap.

"Ummi," I called softly. "Good morning." I greeted sitting beside her and putting my head on her shoulder, seeking the solace the presence always provided me.

"Did you sleep well?" Ummi said with a gentle smile on her face but tinged with the understanding that only a mother could have.

I nodded. "I did. Did you?"

"I did too." She replied with a widened smile. "Have you had breakfast yet?" She asked to which I shook my head.

"Have you?" I asked, trying to mirror her care.

"Yes, yes. I have had breakfast." Ummi said reassuring me with a smile. The smile was so beautiful and full of warmth that I didn't notice when my lips turned up too. It was contagious.

"Go on and have breakfast." She softly urged.

"Ummi, let me charge my battery first," I said playfully, snuggling closer into her embrace.

She chuckled softly before saying. "I didn't tell you. Hajiya Roudha called."

My face held a confused look, my eyebrows furrowed, for a few seconds, trying to place the name. It wasn't one that immediately registered with me, so I glanced up at Ummi for more clarification.

"Asad's mom. She called to formally inform me of their interest." She clarified gently.

My mouth made an 'O' shape, the pieces falling into space. Hajiya Roudha was Engineer Abdulmajid's Arab wife. When I saw her for the first time, I was astounded at how incredibly fair she was. I had seen many fair people from Ummi's Shuwa-Arab family but hers was a different kind than I was accustomed to. No wonder he was exceptionally light-complexioned.

"Are you still going on with the proposal? I told her I'll let her know when they can come." Ummi said, her tone calm but laced with that underlying concern.

I had already said yes.

I was quiet for a while, the weight of the decision I recently made pressing down on me, but it felt different now, lighter somehow.

"It's not too late. You can still say no." She said while encasing my right palm between hers, her touch so comforting.

"Ummi?" I whispered, my face carrying the weight of my thought.

She hummed in reply, waiting patiently.

I slowly removed my left hand from around her and then put my palm on top of hers that was still enclosing mine, our hands now layered together.

"Remember what you told me that night?" I began, my voice steady. "I held it onto my thoughts all through the week. Adda Malika told me she has a good feeling about it too. I realized that's all I needed to hear."

Happiness streaked through like a comet showing on her face, she couldn't hide her delight. Seeing that filled me with joy and peace.

This was giving. I've given and it felt right. Finally. I had made my decision, finally. And for the first time in ages, I felt a sense of relief. I was glad, truly glad.

...............................

Hello readers,

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Thank you to everyone that has reached out so far, the love is surreal. I appreciate you all.

Love, 

Husna, the Writer.