August 6, 2022

Hands on hips. Fingers in hair. Feet touch. Lips meet. Breaths mingle. Moans blend. Pulses race. Lungs ache. Blood turns hot. Chills down spine. Fear gone. Memories seep in. Love enters. Minds ignored. Hearts followed.

I fly up in bed, gasping for air, feeling around aimlessly in search for the lamp. My breathing becoming erratic as I find myself lost in the dark. Flashes from my dream haunting me, making my panic worse. Where am I? Where is he? What is happening? A pathetic whimper leaves my lips and as my heart beat increases and the feeling of suffocation in the dark silence worsens, a scream builds up in my throat, only to be released moments later.

My bedroom door flies open and the light flooding in and illuminating my bedroom allows for my heart to be put at ease ever so slightly as Charlie rushes in and switches on my bed side lamp. "Kai!? What's going on? Are you okay?"

The thing is, the dream wasn't horrible. It was amazing in every sense of the word. The horrible part, was it could never be reality. My heart aches at that thought as I choke on a sob, emotions slightly erratic in my exhausted and panicked state. "No. No, I'm not."

He doesn't ask for an explanation, because he doesn't need one. I'm grateful, because I don't think I have the strength to really explain how not okay I am. How much I've crumbled in the week I've spent away from Jace. How my composure is slowly cracking and how the depressed eighteen year old me I thought I'd buried long ago is slowly scratching at the surface. Ready to pull me back under into a place I never wish to be again.

The next morning, I'm practically dragging my exhausted body up the stairs to work. Why on earth did the elevator have to break down today of all days? Life is just testing my patience. First my coffee maker busted and I had to leave early to go to Starbucks. Then a passing bus splashed me, getting my black jeans soaked. Now... this.

Entering the building, Seth regards me for a mere second before handing me his hardly touched coffee, "I think you'll need the double dose of caffeine today. Not sleeping well still?"

I shake my head and walk past him. It may be rude to brush him off like that, but I'm just really not in any mood to speak to anyone about anything. He understands that, which is why I know he won't be totally offended. Charlie was the same. After failing at making small talk over breakfast, he had just given me a sad smile and left me to my morning routine alone.

It's times like this that make me want to just take a walk down the street to the local bar.

With a sigh I walk into the radio booth and prepare myself like I always do before every show. We go live in five minutes and I listen to B rant from the other room about how if I ever leave her with Seth again she will castrate me. My, she's a lovely gal isn't she?

As the 'ON AIR' light flicks on, my radio persona comes to life and before I know it, I'm speaking with a liveliness I didn't know I had in me this morning, "Good morning, London! I'm Kai Harkins and you are listening to BBC Radio 1."

I go through the normal spiel, talking about daily drama going on in the city, playing a few songs. Talking to a celebrity guest who to be quite honest I don't even know and keep forgetting their name. By the time it's the time to take callers, I feel myself growing exhausted.

"Now it's time to take some calls. Caller one, you are on the air. What's your question?" I ask, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Hi Kai! My question is; How do you tell your friend that she needs to spend less time with her new boyfriend and a bit more time with her friends?"

I smile, "If I were you, I'd just sit your friend down some time and tell her that as happy as you are for her and her new found relationship, you would like for her to still make time for her friends, because no matter who comes into her life, as great as they may be, friends will be more important because they are the ones who will always be there for you."

I end the call and press the second lit button, "Caller two, you are up! What's your question?"

"Hey Kai..."

My eyes widen and I feel my mouth run dry.

"My question for you is... How do you stop loving someone? How do you stop thinking about them to the point where you can't breathe because when they left they took your air? How do you look at the person you should love and smile honestly when your heart is beating for another?"

My mouth opens, but no sound comes out. I feel like I can't breathe and there's a painful lump in my throat. Am I going crazy? It's him, isn't it? Of course it's him. I could never mistake that voice. No matter how tired I am, I could never imagine his voice. It's real, it has to be.

Seth appears in the two way window ahead of me, giving me a questioning look and mouthing, "Jace?". I just nod, taking a deep breath before words are spilling out, "As much as I wish I had an answer to that, I don't. Our hearts are sort of masochistic in the sense that they don't know when enough is enough. Maybe you should leave this person in the past and focus on your new love interest. Let feelings fade and regrow. Maybe it's best."

Those last words come out strained and my throat aches with the strain I am putting on it to hold back my tears. I am on camera, on live radio. I can't fall apart now. Later, when I'm alone, I can crumble. Not here, not like this.

"One more thing, Kai... what would you do if you made possibly the worst mistake of your life? If that mistake ruined something between two people that was meant to be cherished and valued? How do you apologize to that person and make them see how horribly sorry you are? How much you regret what you've done, that you'd do anything to go back and make things right."

A single tear slides down my cheek against my will as I whisper hoarsely, "You can't."

The door to the booth opens at that point as Seth barges in, ignoring protests from the producers as he comes over to me and takes over, grabbing my hand beneath the sound board. "Well, that's all the time we have for calls today. Thanks for hanging out with us today guys, we will be back same time tomorrow. Now to close, here is a favourite."

Seth switches on some music track before the 'OnAir' light goes out and he guides me from the booth and over to a bench. "What happened in there? I haven't seen you shut down like that since-"

"I know," I cut him off. "It was him, and he just... how can he keep doing this to me? The kiss? The text? Ignoring me, but never leaving my thoughts, my dreams, and now he calls the show? I can't escape him! Why is he doing this to me?"

Seth frowns and pulls me into a tight hug, "I don't know, Kai. What I do know, is that you deserve better than to stay hung up on that guy, he doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you. Whatever shit he's going through, he shouldn't drag you through it. It's unfair for him to play with your feelings, no matter how confused he may or may not be. You need to show him that you're not going to just wait around for him. You have your own life to be getting on with and he's just holding you back with all this shit. Either he man's up and makes a decision, or you drop him."

I smile sadly at my friend, "I don't know how much I like serious Seth. I quite prefer weird and sex crazed Seth, he's more entertaining."

"I'm being serious you dork, "He chuckles, pushing me over on the bench. "Honestly though, you know I'm right."

"You probably are. But... I could never 'drop' Jace. I love him, Seth. I know I shouldn't, but it's just how it is. It's not like the family love I'll always have for you and Zoe and Leah and Charlie and Jared. It's not like past feelings for someone you used to find attractive, or who you had some summer fling with. The long lost love that never lasted. This is the man who completely changed my life, changed me, made me a better person. He's so deeply rooted in my heart, that I don't think there is a me without him. I thought I'd been okay the past few years, but once I felt his presence again, I realized how empty I'd been. I'm not whole when he's not around. It's like something is always missing, something only he can bring out in me. I don't know, Seth... I just don't.,"I say, getting up and walking towards the stairs.

I need to leave, just get away and get some air. This suffocating feeling just won't go away and the more people try to force the whole 'move on, it's for the best' thing down my throat, the worse it gets. I know I should move on, they just don't understand that I can't decide when my heart stop feeling for him. I can't control it. I don't want to suffer this way, who would want that?

Jogging down the stairs, my phone quickly vibrates and I pull it out to see two texts from Charlie.

To: Kai

From: Charlie

Hey! Was Seth at work today?

That's weird. I saw Seth text a lot this morning, I figured he had been talking to Charlie. I quickly read the next one and smiled. Perfect.

To: Kai

From: Charlie

Let's go out, I need a good drink. Yeah?

I grin as I text him back.

To: Charlie

From: Kai

I'm in. First rounds on you.

Walking into the place I used to visit as a regular back in my university days, a nauseous feeling washes over me. I know I shouldn't be here, but this feels like the last hope to regain some sanity. Some control. I just want to stop obsessing over that beautiful asshole I call my ex-boyfriend.

Minutes later I hear the door open and Charlie joins me at the bar and orders a beer for both of us. I can see that he hasn't slept much himself and he looks kind of irritated to be honest. So, deciding it best to forget my issues for a bit, I decide to focus on his.

"What has you down?" I ask.

He sighs and I honestly think he's going to ignore my questions, but he eventually says quietly, "I went on a date with Seth."

I damn near cough up my drink, "Oh god. He didn't sleep with you did he? If he hit it and quit it with one of my friends I swear-"

"No! We didn't.. we didn't do anything at all, honestly. But... that was five nights ago and he hasn't tried to get a hold of me at all. I texted him once, but he never answered," He sounds so sad that I realize that Charlie may have developed more than just a little crush on Seth.

I growl under my breath before taking a pull off my beer, "Look. I'll talk to him. Who honestly knows what's going on with him. B could have blown up his phone and he smashed it without thinking for all we know. I'll ask him about you without directly involving you and see what he says, alright?"

He nods and thanks me and I just smile back, finishing my first beer and calling the bartender over to get another. "So... you know my shit. What's your reason to drink this fine afternoon?"

"Can't a guy just enjoy a beer without being questioned?" I ask, sounding slightly more defensive than I meant to.

He frowns at me though and I feel my facade crack slightly, "I listened to the show today."

I nod, saying nothing as I drank more of my beer. We stay quiet this time until we both finish our drinks and then I jump at the sound of Charlie slamming his empty beer down, "Screw this, we need something stronger. Round of shots over here!"

"Charlie... I really shouldn't," I mumble, but I'm already taking one of the tiny glasses.

"Tell me why and I'll tell you to stop," He says, meeting my gaze steadily.

I smirk and toss back the shot, "Nah. I'd rather get drunk."

He smiles and I smile in return as we both slam back the couple of shots left. I throw my head back and laugh as Charlie takes my hand and drags me over to the dance floor and starts making me dance along to the song. I haven't let go like this in so long and to be honest, it feels great. I forgot how great alcohol made me feel. It's like I was invincible.

Charlie chuckles as some cute blondie grabs me and starts dancing up on me and I don't even try to stop him. I'm just having fun and feeling good. I let his hands touch my hips and glide along beneath my shirt to touch further up as he runs his hands over my body. His junk presses up against my back side and I don't cringe away like sober Kai would. No, I grind back on him and tilt my head against his shoulder, just letting my body move with the music.

What feels like forever later, Charlie drags me back to dance with him, the two of us giggling as we try to make seductive faces at one another. It's at the point when his face gets a little too close, and our smiles drop, and we realize my arms are around his neck and his are around my waist that we seem to forget where we are, who we are and what is important to us. All that matters, is that I am suddenly overcome by a lust that's been building inside me, simmering in my blood, only now with help from the booze, reaching it's boiling point.

He makes the first move and launches forward, pressing his slightly chapped lips to mine. They're not bad, but they're not the ones I crave. However, at this moment it doesn't matter what I want. It just matters that I get what I need. I crave affection and the feeling of being wanted. I want someone to want to touch me. To want to kiss me. To want to be intimate. I miss it and I need it.

Charlie backs me up into one of the pillars along the outside of the dance floor and wraps one of my legs around his hip, gripping me beneath the thigh. I moan into his mouth as his hips rock against mine, grinding our 'problems' together.

A sharp gasp has us pulling away so quick I have to grab Charlie so he won't stumble backward. Turning our attentions we see a few faces that we never expected to see in here, nor expected to see us in this particular state.

There, with shocked faces, were; Seth, Leah, Jasper, and worst of all... Jace.

Charlie and I stare at them in shock for a moment before glancing at each other with a shared expression of 'what the fuck did we just do?' Then, it's as though all sanity has finally escaped me, because of all the things I can think to do, I burst out laughing.

"Your faces! Holy hell, that's priceless," I chuckle, wiping a tear from my eye.

"Kai... babe, are you drunk?" Leah says with a saddened expression.

I smirk, but there's a bitterness to it, "Indeed! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get another drink. Care to join me?"

I walk away from Charlie, and pass my friends, but a hand catches the sleeve of my shirt. Turning, I see Jace's concerned eyes boring into mine, "You're not supposed to be drinking."

I jerk my hand away and scowl at him angrily, "Yeah, well you're not supposed to be alive."

"Hey! Don't talk to him that way!" Jasper snaps. "I put up with you being a dick before, understandably. But, Jace isn't doing anything wrong! Christ. he's just looking out for you!"

I turn and smile disbelievingly at Jasper, and I can see the worry in Jace's eyes at that, "Looking out for me? I handled myself for the past eleven years. I don't need a fucking babysitter anymore, Asshat."

I laugh again, "You want to know something about your precious Jace? Hmm? Did you know that we were engaged before? Probably not. To be honest, I have a feeling he didn't tell you a whole lot. You think you have this special claim over him, but I'm sorry, you'll never have him like I do."

He scowls at me and tips his chin up in offense, "What makes you think I don't already?"

"Guys. Sto-" Jace tries to break in, but I cut him off.

"You don't, but I'll let you keep believing you do," I say smugly, before walking over to the bar and ordering another set of shots.

The bartender looks at me warily, setting them down and then leaving me to it. Seth runs up and tries to stop me, making me huff in protest as I reach around him and swallow the show anyway, "Kai, come on man. You're better than this. You were doing so well."

"Oh, would you shut up! You don't get it, okay!? I can't... he's just... I'm not" Suddenly, the world is tilting and the room is getting too hot and my lungs feel like there are weights on them, making it harder and harder to breathe by the second.

"Kai? Kai!" I hear several voice shout.

My stomach aches and my body shakes as I feel myself drop to the floor, caught up in someones arms just in time. As I slip into unconsciousness, I hear a distant whisper. The words spoken for only I, take me back to a place I haven't been in a long time. A time long ago. A time I wish to go back to. When I was just a broken kid and he was just a free spirit.

"I've got you, Kai. Don't worry."

For some stupid reason... I trust you.

~Shay<3